Share Your Favourite Jokes...

bonscott said:
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets th e best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Click to expand...
:rofl:
 
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
then poof!..both of his legs fall off!
 
bslick69b said:
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
then poof!..both of his legs fall off!
Click to expand...
:jaw::ntome:
 
Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"

To this he replies, "Small world."
 
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."
 
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
 
Wade Boggs, Steve Garvey and Pete Rose are in a bar.

A pretty woman walks by and Boggs says, "I'm going to ask her out."

Garvey replied, "You can't do that, she's carrying my baby."

To which Rose added, "You wanna bet?"
 
bslick69b said:
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands."
Click to expand...

Awesome! :D
 
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
 
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

8-10 Lb Turkey
1-cup melted butter
1-package stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is best)
1-cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Lightly salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, then salt and pepper. Fill the cavity with the stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the turkey flies across the room, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook
 
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
 
The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.:cheers:
 
suncloud said:
Sam the penguin is driving around texas, when his car makes a loud noise, and stops running. Sam looks around and sees a mechanic store not too far away. He waddles over to the mechanic and asks him to fix his car. The mechanic responds that it will take an hour to figure out what the problem is.

Sam decides to walk around the town, but its hot in texas. So he walks over to an ice cream store to cool down. He orders his favorite ice cream - vanilla, and proceeds to eat it. Because he lacks opposible thumbs and has a beak, the ice cream gets all over him. Despondent, he walks back to the mechanic, who is working on his car.

The mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal"
The penguin replies "no, its just ice cream."
Click to expand...
lmfao.......:rofl:
 
a man was taking a pi$$ at a urinal when he noticed a man standing next to him with no arms. the man with no arms asked him if he can open his zipper, the man kindly did. the man with no arms said "hey buddy, before you leave can you pull my penis out and aim it towards the urinal"?..the man hesitated and being a good samaritan agreed to do it. as the man pulled out the other mans penis he noticed it was green with blue dots and scaley and puss oozing of it. the man said" i gotta ask, what happened to your penis"? the man with no arms pulls his arms out from inside his jacket and said" i don't know, but "I" ain't touching it".
 
corny a$$ quickies that i still enjoy from elementary school.

what do ya say to a 1 legged hitch hiker? hop in

what do ya call a hooker with no arms and no legs? a nightcrawler

what do ya call a midget with a h@rd-on? a pogo stick.
 
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his penis by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
 
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
 
A texan is walking down the beach, when he see's a lady with no arms and no legs, and she's crying. The texan asks the lady why she's crying. The lady says "i've never been hugged before." The texan reaches down, picks her up, and gives her a huge hug. Then, he sets her down, and starts walking down the beach again.

The next day, the texan is walking down the same beach, and sees the same lady, and she's crying again. He asks her whats wrong. She replies "i've never been kissed before." Overcome, the texan leans down, and gives her the most passionate kiss of his life. Then, he continues walking down the beach.

The next day, the texan goes for another walk, and lo and behold, who does he see crying again? He walks over, and asks her what's wrong. The lady says "i've never been F'd before." The texan leans down, picks her up, and throws her in the ocean, and says "now you're f'd."
 
Cucumber

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
 
ABNRanger said:
Cucumber

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Click to expand...
:rofl:
 
erection

A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection that just won't go away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers he can find and heads for the drug store. He enters the store and goes to the pharmaceutical section.
The lady there asks if she might help him.
He asks to see a male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is no male pharmacist.
The man starts to leave. The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir, I am a registered pharmacist, as is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds."
The guy is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his trousers, and gets out his rather stiff member. He then says, "What can you give me for this?"
The woman says, "How long has it been that way?"
The man responds, "Almost three days."
The woman says, "I will have to consult with my sister, and I'll be right back. She leaves and returns in a few minutes.
The man asks, "What did you decide?"
She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half interest in the drug store."
 
want a Woman

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
 
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

:bruce3:
 
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
 
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
 
bslick69b said:
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
Click to expand...

She wasn't anxious to get rid of him, or anything! :(
 
Fastone said:
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

:bruce3:
Click to expand...
:icon_lol:
 
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 
A girl went to church to confess:
girl:forgive me father for i have sinned.
priest: what is it my child?
girl: I called a man a son of a ***** yesterday.
priest: why did you do this my child?
girl: because he touched my hand.
priest: like this?(priest touches her hand.)
girl:yes.
priest: that is not enough to call a man a son of a *****.
girl: then he kissed me.
priest: like this? (priest kisses her.)
girl: yes.
priest: that is still no a reason to call him that.
girl: then he took my clothes off.
priest: like this? (priest takes her clothes off.)
girl: yes.
priest:that is still not a reason to call him that.
girl:then he stuck his you-know-what in my you-know-where.
priest: like this?(priest stuck his you-know-what in her
you-know-where.)
girl:yes.
priest: that is still not a reason to call him a son of a *****.
girl: but father, he had AIDS......
priest: THAT SON OF A *****!
 
:icon_lol: funny sh1t
bslick69b said:
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
Click to expand...
 
my wife wanted to make love like they do in the movies
so i stuck it in the butt n ca** on her face and she got mad
i guess we don't watch the same movies
 
A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."
 
what is black with nappy hair hanging from the ceiling

_paris hilton changing a light bulb


(thats so hot)
 
the titanic is sinking when a french guy spot an american fighting to be rescued the french guy calmly approach him and say
_excusez moi monsieur but it s still women and children on board
and the american look at him and say
_do you really think its the right time to think about fuc**ng
 
why do a lot of mexican names "manuel"
don't look at me i don't know was just wondering watching them clean my carpet.
 
bslick69, bonscott, and abnranger check out in a motel unfortunatly its only one bedroom left w a king bed in it
at 3 in the morning abnranger starts sneezing and got spit all over his two friends they get mad but don't say nothing
at 4 in the morning bonscott starts sneezing and spit on his two friends also they get mad and say guyz next time give heads up
at 5 in the morning bslick69 holla "heads up " and before he finish his sentence his two friends get under the sheet " i'm farting"
 
_have you ever tried rodeo sex
_rodeo sex! what is it
_you get on top of your wife put it in and whisper to her ear your sister gives better head and try to stay on top for 15 seconds
 
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