Share Your Favourite Jokes...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here
 
What do the movie Brokeback Mountain and the town of Dallas Texas have in common.:blink:






















They both have Cowboys that suck.:toofunny:

:bruce3:
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
 
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
 
Sad, very sad,..
THERE'S
A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD..
Right now, as you read this, 17
Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer
 
BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth .

They grow up so fast, don't they?
 
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked
if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish
genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.. So... what'll it
be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle
East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and excl aimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape
after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT
good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and
gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the ****ing map again."
 
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected!
 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
 
funny commercial!

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgtfC5LBAW4"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/nomedia]
 
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart
attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.!
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that
all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've
got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw
Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over
his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,!
doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and
finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"
 
a woman walks into a local convenient store (7-11) and buys a loaf of bread, gallon of milk, and eggs. As she's checking out, a drunk man standing next to her asks, you must be single. the woman replies.."how can ya tell..is it by my groceries?"..the man says, no because your fu@#ing ugly.
 
a blind man walks into a furniture store and grabbed his dog by the tail and swung him around in the air for about 3 minutues..the store manager asked him "what are you doing sir"..the blind man replied, "just looking around".
 
This is funny now that I look back on it. I am sure you will find it funny too. Had to take a dump in the men’s room at my job (fair enough). Ok, sat down did my thing, reached for the TP, the darn thing slipped from my hand, and rolls under the wall separating my stall and the next. It actually rolls all the way thru to the exit door, and there was not another roll in my stall. Now I am in a dilemma (I sure can’t pull my pants up on my sh1tty a$$). So I decided to take a chance and go after the roll. There I am pants around my ankle doing the penguin going for the roll. I get half way to the roll, guess what? Someone walks in; I am busted (could you imagine the look on my face?). The guy just looks at me, I look at him, gave him a customary head nod of “what’s up” reached for the roll, and hobbled back to my stall, wiped my a$$ and sat there till he left. True story. Now that was this morning.
Went to the gym, had to use the head there too, (that damn protein shake). Sat down did my thing, reached for some TP….. no damn TP on the roll. (you know that saying “look before you leap”). I sure was not about to do the penguin again and take a chance of having a repeat of this morning. I sat there, waited for someone to come in, then asked him to hand me a roll from the next stall.
You are probably wondering why I did not get a roll from the next stall in the first story…. I checked, there wasn’t any. Whoooooo what a day, hopefully tomorrow is better
 
ABNRanger said:
This is funny now that I look back on it. I am sure you will find it funny too. Had to take a dump in the men’s room at my job (fair enough). Ok, sat down did my thing, reached for the TP, the darn thing slipped from my hand, and rolls under the wall separating my stall and the next. It actually rolls all the way thru to the exit door, and there was not another roll in my stall. Now I am in a dilemma (I sure can’t pull my pants up on my sh1tty a$$). So I decided to take a chance and go after the roll. There I am pants around my ankle doing the penguin going for the roll. I get half way to the roll, guess what? Someone walks in; I am busted (could you imagine the look on my face?). The guy just looks at me, I look at him, gave him a customary head nod of “what’s up” reached for the roll, and hobbled back to my stall, wiped my a$$ and sat there till he left. True story. Now that was this morning.
Went to the gym, had to use the head there too, (that damn protein shake). Sat down did my thing, reached for some TP….. no damn TP on the roll. (you know that saying “look before you leap”). I sure was not about to do the penguin again and take a chance of having a repeat of this morning. I sat there, waited for someone to come in, then asked him to hand me a roll from the next stall.
You are probably wondering why I did not get a roll from the next stall in the first story…. I checked, there wasn’t any. Whoooooo what a day, hopefully tomorrow is better
Click to expand...

If this is in fact a true story, I feel bad for you, my friend. Very bad...but it was a funny story as well. :D
 
ABNRanger said:
This is funny now that I look back on it. I am sure you will find it funny too. Had to take a dump in the men’s room at my job (fair enough). Ok, sat down did my thing, reached for the TP, the darn thing slipped from my hand, and rolls under the wall separating my stall and the next. It actually rolls all the way thru to the exit door, and there was not another roll in my stall. Now I am in a dilemma (I sure can’t pull my pants up on my sh1tty a$$). So I decided to take a chance and go after the roll. There I am pants around my ankle doing the penguin going for the roll. I get half way to the roll, guess what? Someone walks in; I am busted (could you imagine the look on my face?). The guy just looks at me, I look at him, gave him a customary head nod of “what’s up” reached for the roll, and hobbled back to my stall, wiped my a$$ and sat there till he left. True story. Now that was this morning.
Went to the gym, had to use the head there too, (that damn protein shake). Sat down did my thing, reached for some TP….. no damn TP on the roll. (you know that saying “look before you leap”). I sure was not about to do the penguin again and take a chance of having a repeat of this morning. I sat there, waited for someone to come in, then asked him to hand me a roll from the next stall.
You are probably wondering why I did not get a roll from the next stall in the first story…. I checked, there wasn’t any. Whoooooo what a day, hopefully tomorrow is better
Click to expand...
:toofunny:
 
yep true story... not that I want to relive it. Always glad to contribute to the forum... even at the expense of being laughed at hahahahaha.
 
Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt
 
bslick69b said:
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Click to expand...
propped ya son youre :toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny:
 
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!
 
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes and, of course, the gas.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will also have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'you're bullshittin' me!'

The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it!
 
A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
 
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
 
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"
 
An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."
 
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...

Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal.

The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?
 
Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"

"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."
 
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

That's easy ... Seven-Up!
 
Why is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay
 
Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.:ntome:
 
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
 
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
 
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."
 
ABNRanger said:
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."
Click to expand...
:rofl:
 
Sam the penguin is driving around texas, when his car makes a loud noise, and stops running. Sam looks around and sees a mechanic store not too far away. He waddles over to the mechanic and asks him to fix his car. The mechanic responds that it will take an hour to figure out what the problem is.

Sam decides to walk around the town, but its hot in texas. So he walks over to an ice cream store to cool down. He orders his favorite ice cream - vanilla, and proceeds to eat it. Because he lacks opposible thumbs and has a beak, the ice cream gets all over him. Despondent, he walks back to the mechanic, who is working on his car.

The mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal"
The penguin replies "no, its just ice cream."
 
A string walks into a bar. the bartender says "we don't serve strings'.

The string walks out, and asks a pedestrian walking down the street to tie him up and ruffle his edges. The pedestrian agrees, and ties him in half, and really ruffles the string up.

The string walks back into the bar, where the bartender says "aren't you the same string that just came in here?"

The string replies "No, i'm afraid not."


get it? a frayed knot? sorry. i need some sleep.
 
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room..



She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister

noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water

floated, of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.



'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

pointing to the bowl.



'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!”
 
Two elderly woman are sitting in Church.
One lady says"My butt cheeks are falling asleep.".
The other lady replies,"I know, I heard them snoring."
 
bonscott said:
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room..



She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister

noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water

floated, of all things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.



'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

pointing to the bowl.



'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!”
Click to expand...
:rofl:..lol.!
 
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
 
bslick69b said:
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE."

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?"

She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"
Click to expand...

:toofunny:
 
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