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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
 
>> HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
>>
>> I got rear-ended this morning on the way to work.
>>
>> There we were pulled over alongside the road and slowly the other
driver
>> got out of his car and . . .
>> you know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and then suddenly
some
>> little thing will strike you as the funniest thing in the world?
>>
>> Well I could NOT believe it . . . the guy was a DWARF!
>> He stormed up to my car, looked up at me, and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
>>
>> I looked down at him and replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
>>
>> . . and that's when the fight started .


:bruce3:
 
:toofunny:
Fastone said:
>> HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
>>
>> I got rear-ended this morning on the way to work.
>>
>> There we were pulled over alongside the road and slowly the other
driver
>> got out of his car and . . .
>> you know how sometimes you just get sooo stressed and then suddenly
some
>> little thing will strike you as the funniest thing in the world?
>>
>> Well I could NOT believe it . . . the guy was a DWARF!
>> He stormed up to my car, looked up at me, and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
>>
>> I looked down at him and replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
>>
>> . . and that's when the fight started .


:bruce3:
Click to expand...
:toofunny:nice one man
 
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them
 
Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."
 
ABNRanger said:
yep true story... not that I want to relive it. Always glad to contribute to the forum... even at the expense of being laughed at hahahahaha.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you had a s h i t t y day...:ntome:
 
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocain in the condom!"
 
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.
 
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
 
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the Meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's Roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a Relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful Silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you? Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to Be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom
 
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"no! "croaked"the old man, but there starting to twitch!
 
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today



You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to bslick69b again.
 
bonscott said:
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.
'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'
'I can't see my ass coming into work today



You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to bslick69b again.
Click to expand...
:rofl:..no..prob! bro!:cheers:
 
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"

The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
 
bslick69b; said:
One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"

The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
Click to expand...

A classic! :thumbsup:
 
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
 
bslick69b said:
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"
Click to expand...

:rofl:
 
A horny husband was helpin his wife set up a password 4 the computer, he typed in MYPENIS....she fell over laughing when it said, ERROR: not long enough.

:D
 
The Perfect Breakfast As a Man Sees It

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
 
The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
 
Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."
 
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
 
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, y ou see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine ,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
 
Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
 
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should ..."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.




She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'







She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'










'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'






She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'







The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'








'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'







The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.







But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.








'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'







'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'






The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
 
damn. now i can't remember which ones i posted in here.


Why did the fag get fired from his job at the sperm bank?



Drinking on the job.
 
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice " ... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ... ".

The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned " ... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ... ".
 
Halloween costume






A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume
company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with
your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel
and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald he ad, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his
bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of
complaint.
A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden
leg up your a** and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co.
 
bonscott said:
Halloween costume






A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he
writes to a costume
company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with
your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes
a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel
and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald he ad, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his
bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of
complaint.
A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden
leg up your a** and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,Acme Costume Co.
Click to expand...
:rofl:
 
A Category #5 hurricane hits MEXICO . Two million

Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The

country is totally ruined and the government doesn't

know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.



The rest of the world is in shock.



CANADA is sending troops to help the Mexican army

control the riots.



SAUDI ARABIA is sending oil



Other LATIN AMERICAN countries are sending supplies.



The EUROPEAN community (except FRANCE ) is sending

food and money.



THE UNITED STATES, not to be outdone, is sending two

million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
 
First guy proudly: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.":rasp:
 
Mental Problems

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that fcuking train!'
 
A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.

He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.

The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.

The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.

They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.

The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"

The man replied, "Nah, too expensive
 
bonscott said:
A Category #5 hurricane hits MEXICO . Two million

Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The

country is totally ruined and the government doesn't

know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.



The rest of the world is in shock.



CANADA is sending troops to help the Mexican army

control the riots.



SAUDI ARABIA is sending oil



Other LATIN AMERICAN countries are sending supplies.



The EUROPEAN community (except FRANCE ) is sending

food and money.



THE UNITED STATES, not to be outdone, is sending two

million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
Click to expand...

Horrible!- but Hilarious!:toofunny:
 
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
 
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
 
why men have better friends.....


Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told
her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew
about it.



Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his
wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them
confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was
still there.


I don't know. Maybe men just think its this way . haha
 
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets th e best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
 
one day a lion was walking through africa.acting like he was the s**t.so he came up to a girraffe and roard,and said whos the king of the jungle,and the girraffe said you are mr.lion,your the king of the jungle.the lion said thats right,and dont you foreget it.next he came up to a tree with monkeys in it and he let out a loud roar and said monkeys whos the king of the jungle,then the monkeys said you mr.lion your the king of the jungle,then the lion let out a roar and said thats right and dont you little punks foreget it,then he came across and elephant,and before he could say anything the elephant pick him up,threw him in the air stepped on him and beat the living crap out of him,then the lion half dead sttaggerd away mumbbling,geez dont get mad because you dont know the answer!
 
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