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Cussing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.



Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.




Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.




Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?




Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.




Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!




Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.




Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.




Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?




Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.




Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?




Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.




Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.




Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.




Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.




Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.




Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.




Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?




Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.




Thank You,
Human Resources
 
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. I seldom laugh out loud, but these really made me roar.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
 
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness..

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
 
bonscott said:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and
Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness..

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Click to expand...

Quite an anti-climax!
 
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to
leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the
front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I
will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.
 
bonscott said:
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to
leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the
front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I
will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.
Click to expand...


Aww, was expecting the cab driver to give some kinda weird advice about kidnapping people, or spitting out some one liner. Was this a true story?
 
I assume,...

love it
 

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chinese predictions


3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.
Next year is the year of the **** .. . . Should I get worried?
 
You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
 
This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.
 
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
 
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
 
bonscott said:
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Click to expand...

Ouch!
 
bonscott said:
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
Click to expand...

Good one.
 
here's one!!

A blind man with his seeing eye dog are walking down a busy street in New York. The man comes to a cross walk to get to the other side of the busy street. The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic. Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog. The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound. The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit. One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said "Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?! The blind man said "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass!"
 
Hey, we just found out why Tiger Woods had trouble winning tournaments this past year, he can still putt but he can't drive.:veryhappy:
 
Three priests are out taking three choirboys fishing, when the boat starts to sink.
"We've got to save the boys!" screams the first priest.
"**** the boys!" roars the second.
The third looks nervously at the water flooding the boat and asks "Do you think we've got time?"
 
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I ****ed her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.
 
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They beat the ****ing **** out of her.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, "I Miss New Orleans."
So I smashed the window and stole the radio.
 
The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Tesco's and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital. Last time I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
 
roids1 said:
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They beat the ****ing **** out of her.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, "I Miss New Orleans."
So I smashed the window and stole the radio.
Click to expand...


Actually to punish Helen the Keller's made her read a waffle iron or rearranged the furniture:veryhappy:
 
Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."
 
At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"
 
4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find. The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, "I'm the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off. The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, "I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off. The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, "This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!" And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.
 
This was one of my dad's favorite jokes:
Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!"
As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."
 
Edna and Bill were quite the item at the nursing home. Even thought they were both 90 they would sit together every every night.

And even though they were too old to make love she would hold his penis in her hand as they sat together.

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said,

"Where were you these past couple of nights?"

He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 90 years old."

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's disease."
 
Dear Grim Reaper

Dear Grim Reaper

I am wrighting you to say that this year you took my favorite singer Micheal Jackson my favorite actor Pactrick Swayze and my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett. I would like to inform you Barack Obama is my favorite President ! Thank You
 
purelife1 said:
Dear Grim Reaper

I am wrighting you to say that this year you took my favorite singer Micheal Jackson my favorite actor Pactrick Swayze and my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett. I would like to inform you Barack Obama is my favorite President ! Thank You
Click to expand...

You should have put "I am Wrightwing you", btw, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are my favorite media personalities:veryhappy:
 
Funny Dude

roids1 said:
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They beat the ****ing **** out of her.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, "I Miss New Orleans."
So I smashed the window and stole the radio.
Click to expand...

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.

I like the mean ones.LOL
 
Maybe this is a more appropriate forum for this.

What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name.
 
Lemme preface this by saying I don't have a daughter. Anyhoo, here goes.


I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning.
She's still too young to understand what I was doing, though.

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
 
In today's news...32 more planets were found outside of our solar system bringing the total to 400. And..., not a sign of intelligent life, not even here.
 
Ranking 1 Bad 2 Not That Bad 3 Pretty Good 4 Good 5 Very Funny
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
 
Guy: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
 
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.
 
this is from the comedian redd fox.

"i was at a bar, and a woman told me to give her 8 inches and make it hurt, so i put it in twice and hit her with a brick"
 
Any more jokes? :)
 
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cooch?" no you can't smell my cooch!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
 
a guy came across a really jacked teen in the gym.


guy: wow, you have a lot of dedication. whats your motivation, to be a bodybuilder?
teen: f*** no.
guy: oh sorry. powerlifter right? pro strongman.
teen: are you kidding me?
guy: well whats your goal then?
teen: i wanna be governor but i don't know anything about politics.
 
Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold."

Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

What happened to you"? Ask her two friends.

"Mike hit me". Came the reply.

" Why?" ask the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him the blow job like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's.
 
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