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Remember that last contest I had and no one cared???

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won, hands down!
 
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"
 
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
 
SJA said:
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won, hands down!
Click to expand...

:rofl: :rofl: :toofunny: :toofunny:
 
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.

After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?"

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to.

The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.

"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"

"Is that right" the nun replies?

"Yes."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"
 
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
 
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
 
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We’ll grab her..." said the second. "Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
 
One day little red riding hood was going to go see her grandmother, So she got some cookies and some other things ready and right before she was going to leave her mother turned to her and said RED you best look out for that big bad wolf cus he’ll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red pantys and **** your little red socks off. Oh dear said little red riding hood, So she continues on her way. About 2 hours later she get to her grandmothers house and she is soo pleased to see little red, her grandmother invites her in and she makes some tea and they sit down and eat the cookies and drink the tea, they talked and talked and talked and then she notesed that it was like 10 at night she said oh dear little red its gettin late you should get going, So little red gets ready and was just about to leave when grandma turns to her and says RED you best beware of the big bad wolf cus he’ll pull up your little red skirt, pull down your little red pantys and **** your little red socks off. Oh dear said little red, so she starts on her way back home and get about half way through the woods when all of a suden the big bad wolf pops out from behind a bush SOO little red pulls up her little red skirt, pulls down her little red pantys and says to the big bad wolf.....Eat me like the storys says...
 
A woman and a man meet at a rapid dating service.

The man sits down and says, "I’ve only got 3 questions."

"OK," replies the woman.

"Do you like to clean?" he asks.

"I love cleaning," she replies.

"Great. Do you like to cook for other people?"

"I love to cook," she says.

"Awesome," says the man. "OK last question, do you like sex?"

"I like it infrequently," she replies.

The man then asks, "is that one word or two"
 
a pirate walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender goes, gets hisdrink, and goes back over to give it to him
The bartender noticed something strange about him, so he looked oveer the bar to see a steeringwheel attached to the pirates zipper.
He says to the pirate," um exuse me sir, but i would like to point out that u have a steering wheel attached to your pant zipper."
the pirate quickly answers,"arr and its drivin me nuts."
 
one day three sister were at home and there mom said there boyfriens could spend the night ,that night there mom was walking threw the hallway and in the first daughter’s room she heard crying,in the second daughters room she heard laughing and in the third daughter room she didn’t here anything the next day after there boyfriends left the mother asked the first daughter why she was crying she said it hurts the first time u do it,she asked the second daughter why she was laughing she said it tickles the first time u do it and she ask the last daughter what she was doind because she didn’t here anything she said you taught me not to talk with my mouth full.
 
A man walks into a bordello / hooker bar in New Orleans and says to the madam of the house "I would like to see Madelyn." The madam says "Madelyn is our most expensive woman at a $1000 a night." The guy says "No problem!" and lays down $1000 in cash. Madelyn comes downstairs, they both go back upstairs, they screw around and the man leaves. The next night, the man shows up and requests Madelyn again, throws down $1000, and Madelyn and the guy go upstairs and screw around. After they’re done Madelyn tries to make small talk and asks him where he’s from. The guy says "I’m from Philadelphia". Madelyn jumps up in surprise and says, " Really, me too!!" The guys says "Yeah, I know. Your father just passed away and your brother wanted me to give you $2000"
 
Guy gets outta jail has ten bux in his pocket and the clothes on his back. couple years in the slammer makes for a really long time without sex. He decides to go get him some at the nearest whorehouse - Asked the lady "what can I get for 10 bux"? Lady gives him a slightly dirty look but smiles soon after and says "up the stairs 3rd door on the right" she takes the 10 bux and he makes his way to the room where he is shocked to see a beautiful woman naked on the bed waiting for him. He gets all excited and rips his clothes off, jumps on her and starts going to town. After he is done he goes back downstairs tells the lady "I think somethings wrong with the woman I was just with, mid way through sex her eyes got watery. She doesn’t look well at all." The lady smirks and yells "Hey Charlie, the dead ones full again".
 
There was a picky rich man who like to receive head. But his wife hated to give head. So the man went into town and went up to a whore and asked her, "Can you suck my dick and sing the Star Spangled Banner at the same time? It must be a clear voice, not hummed. "The whore said sure and he took her to a hotel room and turned out the light.

She started to suck him and then she started humming the national anthem. The rich man said "Nope! I’m not paying you." and left.

He walked the streets again and found a second woman. He asked her, "Can you suck my dick and sing the Star Spangled Banner at the same time? It must be a clear voice not hummed. " The whore said sure and he took her to a hotel room and turned out the light.

She started to suck him and then she started humming the national anthem. The rich man said "Nope! I’m not paying you." and left.

Finally he went to some stranger and asked him if there was a woman who would suck his dick and sing the national anthem at the same time. The guy said, "Yeah down 3 blocks and take a left." So the rich man followed the directions and found 1 womanstanding there.

He asked her "Can you suck my dick and sing the Star Spangled Banner at the same time? It must be a clear voice not hummed. "

The whore said "sure but it will cost you 1000 dollars."

"$1000?" the man asked. "Ok..."

And the whore said "Under one condition... you must turn off the lights." The man said ok and he took her to a hotel room and turned out the light.

She started to suck him and then she started singing the national anthem clearly. When he got off he paid her and left with a smile.

The next day he found the same woman and asked her to do it again the whore said, "sure but it will cost you 1500 dollars."

"$1500?" the man asked. "Ok..."

But the whore said "Under one condition... you must turn off the lights." The man said ok and he took her to a hotel room and turned out the light. She started to suck him and then she started singing the national anthem clearly. When he got off he paid her and left with a smile.

That night he wondered how she did it. So he desided he will turn the light on in the middle of her performance. So a few days later he went to the same street and asked the same woman. She said ok and requested $2000 due to inflation. the man said ok and she said she wanted the lights off. so they went to a hotel room and got to it.

As the woman was in the middle of the song the man turned on the light and on the side table was a GLASS EYE.
 
A girl goes to a doctor for a check-up. It’s a routine exam, therefore, she takes of her shirt. When her shirt is off, the doctor sees a large "P" on her chest. The doctor says, "What the hell happend to you?" The Girl replies "Well, my boyfriend goes to college, and he is so proud of himself, that he wears his letterman jacket during sex. The check-up is done and the girl leaves.

The Next day, another girl goes tot he doctor for a checkup, she takes off her shirt and on her chest, is the letter "L". Yet again the doctor says, "What the hell happend to you?" The Girl replies "Well, my boyfriend goes to college, and he is so proud of himself, that he wears his letterman jacketwhen we ****. The check-up is done and the girl leaves.

On the third day, a third girl walks in for her exam, she removes her shirt and there is a large letter "W" on her chest.

The doctor says, "Lemme guess... , your boyfriend goes to Wisconsin...right?"

The girl replies, "No doctor, but I just had sex with my girlfriend from Michigan."
 
There was a man who enjoped his sex life a lot, but sometimes had problems gettin ’it’ up, so he went to see his doctor, his doctor said that to help it stay up he needed to masturbate a couple of hours before sex.

The man agreed but couldnt think of any good places, he thought of the toilets but realised he may be heard, his office, but someone may walk in.

As he was driven home he thought of the perfect place, he pulled his car onto the side of the road, got out and layed out underneath the car, pleased with the comfort and discretion he shut his eyes started to masturbate picturing his wife.

After about 10 minutes a police man came and asked him what he was doing, his eyes still closed and masturbating he replied ’erm just checking everythings OK’

’Yeah OK, well while you’re down there you might want to check the brakes because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!’
 
One morning a guy walks up to his wife washing dishes and squeezes her ass. he says "if you could get this to firm up we wouldnt need your girdle anymore." she was angry, but didnt say anything. the next morning, he walks up to his wife and squeezes her breasts and says "if you firmed these up we wouldnt need your bra." she got angier but didnt say anything. the next morning he walks up to her, and she turns around and squeezes his penis. "if you got THIS to firm up, we wouldnt need the mailman, milkman, gardener, tutor AND your brother."
 
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name’s Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you’d like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ’em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More ’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that’s not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
 
SJA said:
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Click to expand...

:rofl: I love it!!!! :rofl:
 
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds???
.
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.
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.
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Because there are twenty of them :D
 
Hey - thanks to SJA and for the three poetry winners, I have taken your information to the office and I will have your freebie shipped this week.

THANKS<AGAIN>

Laura
 
So now you can use a different title for your next contest....I think that with 12 pages of posting in two days....people care :D
 
i have re read my poem and believe many changes could have been made, maybe for round 2, if it happens, ill bring out "My Luck" v2.0

:D
 
BigVrunga said:
We should petition Bobo for a creative writing forum here at AM.com:)
Click to expand...

Invalid Link Removed


Go write a nice review!!!!


:afro:
 
Wow - You guys just never cease to amaze me with your talent(s).

thanks for being the best board I am on - AND I challenge anyone to show me where I have said this AND MEANT it to any one else.........

thanks - I will run another contest in a few days.

Laura
 
wheystation said:
Wow - You guys just never cease to amaze me with your talent(s).

thanks for being the best board I am on - AND I challenge anyone to show me where I have said this AND MEANT it to any one else.........

thanks - I will run another contest in a few days.

Laura
Click to expand...
will this contest be of a similar nature?


I like how bobo called us bitches in the link:rofl:
 
I never said such a thing. I meant bruthas but I didn't want to offend anyone's ethnic sensibilites :D
 
Godamn right it is.

bitches.
 
Let me check.....I am sure that they have already gone out, but let me get some tracking information.

This was so much GD fun that I would be willing to deliver them MYSELF>


Laura
 
wheystation said:
Let me check.....I am sure that they have already gone out, but let me get some tracking information.

This was so much GD fun that I would be willing to deliver them MYSELF>


Laura
Click to expand...

Don't tease me!
 
BIG BIG BIG Apologies -They have not been shipped - APPARENTLY, my requests were not given the priority that needed.....However I am heading to the office to rectify this and will be including t shirts in the packages as a way to apologize.

I will forward tracking numbers to my winners as soon as they are available.

My most sincere apologies.

Laura
 
wheystation said:
BIG BIG BIG Apologies -They have not been shipped - APPARENTLY, my requests were not given the priority that needed.....However I am heading to the office to rectify this and will be including t shirts in the packages as a way to apologize.

I will forward tracking numbers to my winners as soon as they are available.

My most sincere apologies.

Laura
Click to expand...


When is your flight leaving to the West Coast?? :afro:
 
i didnt win, hmmm maybe next time.

i just had to buy my delicious 5lb choco mint like a normal person....its more rewarding.
 
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