Infidelity
- Thread starter ABNRanger
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Knowbull
Well-known member
Like anything else requiring a value judgement, it depends on the context of the situation, some people are promiscuous as a matter of lifestyle, some times its just plain youthful folly, if they are much younger than you, count on it happening again. Try a menage, that will test it, you will find out quickly what to do next, lol ! JMO
jasonschaffin
Well-known member
If you cheat on me I kick you to the curb. I'm way to good for you.
Thats my thoughts, never been cheated on though.
Thats my thoughts, never been cheated on though.
jasonschaffin
Well-known member
And if its with another female. Were gonna have a little fun, the three of us, and then I'm kicking you to the curb. But I'm keeping your number for when I want some fun...
bslick69b
Well-known member
i would def leave if she cheated on me. and if she cheated on me with another woman,it would wouldnt bother me as much as if it was with another man! but that would be fukced up! none the less!
suncloud
Well-known member
if my girl cheated on me, i'd leave. period. it would bother me regardless of if it was with a man or a woman. once a cheat, always a cheat.
sadly, i know a lot of guys that wouldn't mind if their girl was with another girl. my ex wife came out of the closet in 1997.
if that had not happened, i don't think i would have minded as much if i caught my girl with someone elses.
Irish Cannon
Legend
I'd leave them. I think if you have any respect for yourself you have to. There is no possible way that you could look at them the same.
Nope. Same deal. It might be even worse if it was with another woman. That most likely means that it's something emotional/psychological rather than the chance that it's purely sexual. I'd ditch her either way.
bslick69b
Well-known member
true that!:wave:c-ya..biotch..!
Trauma1
Legend
I'm in total agreement stx.
dsade
NutraPlanet Fanatic
It all comes down to moral integrity and principle.
A promise of fidelity was made and, likely, expressed as one of THE most important factors in the relationship. Regardless of context, the PROMISE was broken, which means her word becomes meaningless.
If at once, "I promise not to do x" is broken, then you can't trust anything else the person promises to do or not do. Age, circumstance, doesn't really have much significance. Once a cheater, always a cheater - it's a one-way street.
A promise of fidelity was made and, likely, expressed as one of THE most important factors in the relationship. Regardless of context, the PROMISE was broken, which means her word becomes meaningless.
If at once, "I promise not to do x" is broken, then you can't trust anything else the person promises to do or not do. Age, circumstance, doesn't really have much significance. Once a cheater, always a cheater - it's a one-way street.
Delta Force
PES Rep
lets raise the stakes a little bit... what if there are kids involved?
would you then compromise their life over this infidelity act? sure, in the back of your mind you could never fully trust him/her but you can forgive, would that lack of trust be enough to separate the children from their parent?
just curious!
would you then compromise their life over this infidelity act? sure, in the back of your mind you could never fully trust him/her but you can forgive, would that lack of trust be enough to separate the children from their parent?
just curious!
j4ever
Member
it would not bother me more if same sex, would i kick her to the curb? it depends,i know some say they would no matter what and there is no doubt i would if i had a couple of years into a relationship but just imagine if this were to happen and you have 10,12 or 15 years into a relationship would you be so fast to kick her to the curb and what role did you play did you totally ignore her for the past couple of years? things are'nt always black and white
Irish Cannon
Legend
Staying together and having a poor marriage just for the kids? You think the kids won't be able to sense that?
dsade
NutraPlanet Fanatic
Well, we as humans have this fantastic invention called language, which enables someone to say "hey...not really pleased with the situation..if it is not remedied then I will henceforth start sleeping with someone else. If you are not ok with that, then we need to look into divorce....kthnx."
SHort of that, treachery i just that. BEtrayal is just that.
ABNRanger
Well-known member
At this point let me make my input. I could not stay with someone if they cheated on me (same sex or not). I firmly believe, while I can forgive, I could not forget. Kids, believe it or not, while they may not say anything, they have a level of perception, and sense of negative or positive environment, that they get credit for. Some stay thinking that it will get better (not saying it won't), but I don't want to find out. Even if I am the cause for her cheating, I would respect her more if she broke up with me, than cheat on me.
Irish Cannon
Legend
This thread reminds me of the movie Unfaithful. Richard Gere is a complete nutsack panzi in that movie. I can't believe he held on to his wife. That movie makes me so frustrated. He was a good husband. He was loving. He provided. She goes and screws some Frenchman.
...but she was so hot. I can't hate on the Frenchman for going for it.
...but she was so hot. I can't hate on the Frenchman for going for it.
j4ever
Member
and i dont totally disagree with that and if people would communicate with each other instead of slowly drifting apart maybe that could happen what i disagree with is that people always say what they would do or would'nt do and in fact they probably don't know until they are in that situation,like i everything not so black and white.but for now gotta go work legs,later.
Knowbull
Well-known member
It depends on the level of the relationship, if your "sig other" is having sex with someone else, its over and has probably been over for a while, a split naturally develops. Open relationships are a myth. Sometimes people arent involved as much as they think, it takes 2 to make a commitment, maybe they never were commited in the first place. Monogamy is best
bslick69b
Well-known member
thats a very interesting point.im with the mother of my kids, at the moment and i cant stand her,im with her soley because of my kids,hopefully loves second wind will kick in!..lol..!:ntome:
Irish Cannon
Legend
I don't know if anyone watches Arrested Development but do any of you remember the part where Tobias and Lindsay were talking about open relationships and she asked if they work and Tobias said, "Haha! No, they never work for anyone. Somehow couples fool themselves into thinking it will...but..it may work for us!"
:rofl:
Irish Cannon
Legend
You have to be SUCH a forgiving person to continue with the relationship after they've cheated on you. I honestly don't see how it's possible. I know some people have done it, and some were successful, but wow. That would be hard.
I have no doubt that there are plenty of people that would take it back if they could, and would never do it again, but sometimes that just isn't enough. We're human, and we can't forget. We don't have that power. It would take so much time to build any respect for that person again.
rubberring
Well-known member
Agreed. However, I have to admit to having double standards when it comes to gender. I truly believe, like a lot of men, that I could cheat and it would be meaningless to me... and would not speak to anything "lacking" in my relationship. I just feel like, "Hey, I'm a guy... I'm biologically wired to spread my seed! It's no biggie." But, if my wife were to do it... well, let's not go there. I know that's hypocritical, but I'm just being honest.
Oh, and if she cheated with a woman... I can't really say I'd be as infuriated. If she wasn't emotionally involved with the other girl, I'd feel betrayed... and I'd probably feel a bit intimidated in a weird way... but not devastated. If she ever came to me and asked for my permission to get with another chick... hmmm... I'll give that a bit more thought. Gettin' a chubby just thinking about that. :lol:
Fastone
Well-known member
After being married for thirty years, if my wife were to cheat on me, the first thing I would do is honestly assess myself and see if I drove her to it. If the answer was yes I would attempt to get things straightened out, If the answer was no chances are you would then get to know my real identity from the newspapers. Funny thing though if it were with another woman, my feelings would probably adjust somewhat just being honest.
:bruce3:
:bruce3:
Irish Cannon
Legend
Would it be her or him?
tattoopierced1
Guest
bingo
dsade
NutraPlanet Fanatic
This actually just speaks more about character than anything else, such as gender.
Fastone
Well-known member
That's a good question. Under the circumstances I mentioned before of unprovoked infidelity, I would be extremely angry but I would actually hope after thinking about it more that I would remember what my wife has meant to me and what I was feeling at that point would not solve the problem.
That being said I'm really happy that our relationship which started as a friendship all those years ago is still rooted in that friendship. We aren't perfect but after all these years, our communication and ability to make each other laugh is still intact.
:bruce3:
crader
Board Sponsor
I would leave if I were cheated on. Period! I don't believe in another entering the relationship. Plus if cheating is a thought it means the person is looking for someone else and is usually mentally done with the relationship anyway.
As far as kids, I would leave faster..Do you really want your kids growing up thinking that is what marriage is. Or to live with the open hostility that your relationship becomes after it is found out. They deserve to spend time with 2 happy parents versus fighting ones. And they need to see what a good relationship is to be able to pattern one for themselves later in life.
As far as kids, I would leave faster..Do you really want your kids growing up thinking that is what marriage is. Or to live with the open hostility that your relationship becomes after it is found out. They deserve to spend time with 2 happy parents versus fighting ones. And they need to see what a good relationship is to be able to pattern one for themselves later in life.
Omen
Banned
WOW.....considering what you said in the other thread......what a f**king hypocrite! :rofl:
dsade
NutraPlanet Fanatic
BTW...the movie Fracture, with Anthony Hopkins has a great take on this...deliciously complex (though the ending was kind of weak.)
And I think spouses that cheat should be prosecuted for fraud and theft, regardless of gender (though breach of contract would be the unfortunate likelihood.)
And I think spouses that cheat should be prosecuted for fraud and theft, regardless of gender (though breach of contract would be the unfortunate likelihood.)
DEADn
Member
Well, if this happened in my life first thing I would do is sit down with her and ask her what is wrong with 'US'. It is too easy to just leave and start accusations. You then become a Springer type. You gotta find out what is going on in your significant others life. Then you will find you can either come together stronger or you have issues to workout or the relationship is hopeless and you have to dissolve it. It doesn't matter if it is with either sex.
DEADn
DEADn
hardknock
Well-known member
Honestly, it depends on the person and what you knew from the start...
Say if, A) You knew she had the potential to cheat from the start, maybe she'd been with a couple of guys or cheated on someone else before, but you still chanced it, then can you honestly say you'd move on because you were shocked? And that, you could never look at her the same, or it hurt you?
Im just saying, if i go to a used car lot, Im expecting lemons, not champagne!!
Also, if it was me that caused her to cheat, then i'd consider a 2nd chance. I mean, say i was always rude, or physically abusive, or verbally abusive...then i wouldn't expect anything less than her to go out and cheat; however, I would rather her just break it off and say see'ya!
Say if, A) You knew she had the potential to cheat from the start, maybe she'd been with a couple of guys or cheated on someone else before, but you still chanced it, then can you honestly say you'd move on because you were shocked? And that, you could never look at her the same, or it hurt you?
Im just saying, if i go to a used car lot, Im expecting lemons, not champagne!!
Also, if it was me that caused her to cheat, then i'd consider a 2nd chance. I mean, say i was always rude, or physically abusive, or verbally abusive...then i wouldn't expect anything less than her to go out and cheat; however, I would rather her just break it off and say see'ya!
Fastone
Well-known member
I don't know your personality or anything but just looking at your picture, Who in their right mind would cheat on you?:box:.
You make some very good points, I have however seen relationships that have overcome a cheating event and become stronger through therapy and realization of what was truly important. Even in the best of situations, marriage is so much more complicated than people realize when they start out. Loving someone and being in love with someone kinda morphs over the years into what everyone hopes is a lifelong committment.
:bruce3:
rubberring
Well-known member
You're such an uneducated pansy. No wonder the recruiter told you that you're not qualified for the military. Go do your chores.
dsade
NutraPlanet Fanatic
I wouldn't. Not only is she amazing, but infidelity would reflect on MY character, and I am not an immoral sh*tbag.
I am truly trying to understand where you are coming from here, but especially seeing terms like "a cheating event" seems to take the position that it ISN'T what it is - an absolute betrayal and elimination of any moral integrity you can claim. You made a, and I hesitate to use the word, SACRED promise - then you knowingly took the steps necessary to break it.
Sure, people lie to themselves by claiming "well, my husband is being a jerk, and I think I will might plan on divorcing...someday...if things don't change, he ignores me, works all the time, blah blah...but this is YOUR promise, and only reflects on YOUR character. Until the day you have filed for divorce (or at least unequivocally stated your intentions to everyone involved and, as stated in my first point, invalidated the fidelity oath in NO uncertain terms) then your oath still stands to maintain faithfulness under any conditions. Anything less, and you are - and now always will be "under the right conditions" a cheater, which renders your word suspect.
Oh, and as far as the past goes...people that tend to cheat also tend to somehow justify it in their heads, then somehow decide that this is not something that they are not obliged to share with the next person, which just compounds the moral degeneration. So for that, you can't ever be "sure" of who you are with and what they are capable of/have done in the past.
Omen
Banned
STFU and go cheat on you gf/bf some more or go play with more homos, you do live in California don't you? :rofl:
I'm not eligible for a while, after that, I'm good to go, you should be too, as long as no one asks...or tells.....:cheers:
rubberring
Well-known member
Yeah, try to keep up you dolt. I served back when you were in diapers, kid.
Seriously, I'm stunned by your lack of intelligence. My wife thinks your parents must be related.
rubberring
Well-known member
Props to you for your honesty.:clap2: Apology accepted.
P.S. You're on my Ignore list, so now... you really are invisible to me!
Bye now.Omen
Banned
That's kool grandpa, tell your wife she thinks wrong....but if she needs any lovin I'm only a PM away...if you send pics first.....:rofl:
EDIT: LOL, that's funny....at least it's over
Beau
Well-known member
OK guys - on this one I can shed some person experience. Many have probably heard this before.
I am in the process of getting a divorce. My wife cheated at with at least two other men, and both guys were wimps. The second one is possibly the ugliest guys I've ever seen. He is also about 3" shorter than the she-devil. And they are both narcissist, were both married (meaning he was too), both school teachers, and both were also both employed at the church I used to attend. In other words, they lead praise in front of our congregation, while committing adultery. I'll let the Lord handle that part.
Her "first" affair - if it was her first - was 10 years ago. In fact, it was consummated 10 years ago this coming Friday. It was awful and I was shattered. She never really showed remorse, but did cry - but only in front of other people. It was an act.
Why did I stay? I have 3 kids. At the time they ranged in age from 13 to 5. I did what I thought I had to in order to hold my family together. I stopped making things about me. But I now know that I also stopped having any passion in my life, and I died inside, and I tried to forgive her. She was never trustworthy.
I lived my life as a knight in rusty Armour - meaning I protected myself from allowing anyone to get close enough to hurt me like that again. I simply existed. It sucked.
Well, as I mentioned above - she did it again. We are getting a divorce. That is good - except for the financial part. FYI - if you live in a no-fault state and make more money than they person you are divorcing - mark my words - you will get RAPED financially. I don't mean treated unfairly - I mean RAPED. Just as if they drove a Class A Motor home up your ass, and with the mirrors sticking out.
My sons are devastated and won't talk to their mother. They knew about her first affair and knew about the 2nd one before I did. My ex-wife stopped being a mother to my daughter a few years before, and started confiding in my daughter as a best friend - although she forgot to tell my daughter she was screwing someone else. So now my 16 year old daughter feels responsible for her mother's emotional well being, and wants nothing to do with me (we are changing that with a counselor's help).
To the question: Stay or Go. I stayed, but now know I should have left. But, I'm glad I did everything in my power to be a man for my family, and that is the reason I tried to live in a shitty marriage for 10 years. The facts speak for themselves. I did the best I could, and she was a selfish pig.
I can never have those 10 years back, or the 17 that came before them. But, as Dave Grohl says in "Monkey Wrench":
One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the **** that somehow came along with it
Still theres one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now Im free
Fastone
Well-known member
Dadof2
Active member
I think that a relationship can be salvaged in the wake of infidelity only if the cheater is repentant about what they did. Understand that I am not talking about getting caught and then acting like they are sorry, but true remorsefulness.
That being said salvaging the relationship is predicated on whether or not the person who has been cheated on is willing to try and forgive the cheater. If the cheated party is unable to or unwilling to forgive they have every right to terminate the relationship.
That being said salvaging the relationship is predicated on whether or not the person who has been cheated on is willing to try and forgive the cheater. If the cheated party is unable to or unwilling to forgive they have every right to terminate the relationship.
Beau
Well-known member
Sage comments, especially those I underlined. True remorsefulness usually involves three things (1) showing true remorse over your transgressions, (2) repenting of the behavior, and (3) making restitution for the damage you have done.
How can one make restitution to another for committing adultery? Well, most would argue that the cheater could easily determine what they needed to do by simply by asking the person they cheated on what they need to see or have done (within reason) for the cheater to demonstrate that hey want to repair the damage they inflicted. And then? If the cheater is unwilling to do whatever they've been requested to do - you have your answer.
I wish I would have known this 10 years ago. I would have said she could stay provided that she do the things I needed to see in order to reestablish trust. In fact, I told her what I needed her to do - she just said "I wasn't going to see her remorse that way". And she was almost right; because - as time would tell - she had no remorse.
Delta Force
PES Rep
LOL.... wow, such honesty there that i felt pity for Omen while reading this
Zero V
Well-known member
Having had my last girlfriend do things like search out a bunch of guys our age and friend them online and start talking to them all the time, to flirting with other guys, to purposely trying to hurt me and make me jealous, promising me 5 times that she wouldnt lie anymore, to God knows how much crap she pulled....
I have a very harsh opinion about cheaters, personally I believe cheating should initiate an effect of martial law on the cheater....and what the spouse chooses to do, should be accepted.... be that forgive(work through it) or forget(leave) or frag(disintegrate)........
I so wish it could be a law, automatic loss of the children in a marriage, loss of all compensation normal from a divorce, no alimony or child support, the one who didnt cheat gets the kids(unless drugs/violence is an issue). And 4 years in prison. Because it will probably take that partner 4 years to trust again, to smile again, etc....
When someone cheats on someone, they are scum.
I know I am religious, but I feel cheating is really the most disgusting thing you can do. The amount of pain you cause someone, and your family.....
I have a very harsh opinion about cheaters, personally I believe cheating should initiate an effect of martial law on the cheater....and what the spouse chooses to do, should be accepted.... be that forgive(work through it) or forget(leave) or frag(disintegrate)........
I so wish it could be a law, automatic loss of the children in a marriage, loss of all compensation normal from a divorce, no alimony or child support, the one who didnt cheat gets the kids(unless drugs/violence is an issue). And 4 years in prison. Because it will probably take that partner 4 years to trust again, to smile again, etc....
When someone cheats on someone, they are scum.
I know I am religious, but I feel cheating is really the most disgusting thing you can do. The amount of pain you cause someone, and your family.....