Dating up

I found myself in your exact situation. Dated a few more women than you did and dated one of them for almost 10 months before cutting that one loose. Decided after 12 years of marriage I wasn't going to sacrifice certain things I wanted in a relationship and immediate 'red flags' would cause me to break things off.

Finally, by accident, met up with a woman who turned out to be a personal trainer and ultra-marathon runner. Absolutely beautiful and a great personality. I was told on several occasions that she was out of my league. I believed them but I didn't let that deter me from trying to move things along. A lot of Dsade's advice is dead-on but very hard, very hard, to follow without going back to what's familiar.

Good luck on getting back out there and remember there isn't dating up there's just dating and some people you're just not going to be compatible with.
 
thanks guys, so far so good. We email regularly so we will see how it goes
 
Can I see a pic?

Hey reaper, I was in the same boat, but I ended up marrying my beautiful girlfriend. I dont know how I won her heart but she married me. She is way out of my league (lol). Slick has seen a few pics, I'm sure he can agree. I wish you the best of luck, if I can do it, so can you.
 
manny1010 said:
Can I see a pic?

Hey reaper, I was in the same boat, but I ended up marrying my beautiful girlfriend. I dont know how I won her heart but she married me. She is way out of my league (lol). Slick has seen a few pics, I'm sure he can agree. I wish you the best of luck, if I can do it, so can you.
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yes!..in manny's case!..he was truly blessed!..his wife is def. wayyy out of his league!...i dont know what the heck she seen in him:toofunny:..J.K!..you know im messing with you my friend!
 
it is funny, as women most certainly look at it differently than guys. I guess we are all shallow over something :)
 
I've found that education seems to be more of the 'outta ur league' issue over looks. I tried dating a woman with a PHD who was about 30... Had a lot in common except for the fact that i'm an idiot in comparison and there are a lot of traits that usually follow those types of people that didn't work for me either. Couldn't even send a damn text message without proof reading it a half a dozen times and feeding it through spelling and grammar check first.

Damn she was hot and a gymnast too...
 
Jayhawkk said:
I've found that education seems to be more of the 'outta ur league' issue over looks. I tried dating a woman with a PHD who was about 30... Had a lot in common except for the fact that i'm an idiot in comparison and there are a lot of traits that usually follow those types of people that didn't work for me either. Couldn't even send a damn text message without proof reading it a half a dozen times and feeding it through spelling and grammar check first.

Damn she was hot and a gymnast too...
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daaaaammmm!.jay!..you let that one go?..good girls like bad boys!..because they think that they can help them on the road to the goody,goody life!..but seeing that big-jay is popo!..i can see theres no bad boy image there!...but i can see how walking on the proper grammer and spellchecking eggshells can get to someone!
 
Jayhawkk said:
I've found that education seems to be more of the 'outta ur league' issue over looks. I tried dating a woman with a PHD who was about 30... Had a lot in common except for the fact that i'm an idiot in comparison and there are a lot of traits that usually follow those types of people that didn't work for me either. Couldn't even send a damn text message without proof reading it a half a dozen times and feeding it through spelling and grammar check first.

Damn she was hot and a gymnast too...
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To paraphrase Nietzsche, Marriage is nothing but an extended conversation.

To interpret - the novelty of hotness and sexual exploration wears off quickly..and you better be sure that the one you end up with will hold your interest in conversation and other areas, or you will find yourself miserable.
 
Exactly! The woman i've been dating now does just that for me. We have great conversations on a lot of topics. She's still more educated than me but i've found that to pretty much be the standard lol.

Morals, ethics, family values, common interests, ambition, education, sexual compatibility
.
.
.
.
.
Beauty

That's my personal list(incomplete) on what I look for in a potential long term relationship and family.
 
Jayhawkk said:
Exactly! The woman i've been dating now does just that for me. We have great conversations on a lot of topics. She's still more educated than me but i've found that to pretty much be the standard lol.

Morals, ethics, family values, common interests, ambition, education, sexual compatibility
.
.
.
.
.
Beauty

That's my personal list(incomplete) on what I look for in a potential long term relationship and family.
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Pretty good list there J!
 
dsade said:
To paraphrase Nietzsche, Marriage is nothing but an extended conversation.

To interpret - the novelty of hotness and sexual exploration wears off quickly..and you better be sure that the one you end up with will hold your interest in conversation and other areas, or you will find yourself miserable.
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Never a truer statement about marriage. Word to the wise - don't end up married. Far too many couples end up that way.

OT - the number one reason for divorce in our society is marriage.
 
I agree there is no dating up looks are in the eyes of the beholder how do you know she isn't looking at you and finding you on equal footing etc. if you like her and are comfortable with her and she is you that's what matters. i've dated many women that guys drool over (disclaimer not because i am some great catch or brad pitt but i do have the distinct good luck of being related to several strippers and having worked at various strip clubs for several years pre marriage) and you'd be surprised how much they are into guys that just treat them like regular girls
 
dsade said:
To paraphrase Nietzsche, Marriage is nothing but an extended conversation.

To interpret - the novelty of hotness and sexual exploration wears off quickly..and you better be sure that the one you end up with will hold your interest in conversation and other areas, or you will find yourself miserable.
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awesome quote and very true. My father used to tell me it was about tolerance. Can you truly tolerate each other after all the looks fade, and the rest falls away?
 
Reaper329 said:
no, why do you ask?
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Looks do fade and many things do fall away. In time you do grow from who you were to being other people. Life does change you or you have not grown. The challenge is to grow together toward oneness otherwise it is tolerance. Tolerance runs out sooner than later.

Unless you are very much alike and very compatible in many many ways (I mean actively engage in the same lifestyles, hobbies, activities and interests) living with someone is work. Living with anyone is work. It can be work at tolerance or work at growing together or growing apart. Either way there is work.
 
Dating up...stupid term, you met someone whom you like spending time with, enjoy that aspect and all other things will fall into place.......


TC
 
Reaper329 said:
it is funny, as women most certainly look at it differently than guys. I guess we are all shallow over something :)
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Women are just their own kind of shallow - you're selling yourself short *AGAIN*.

Dude, cut it out - breathe, relax...and if you have to do it again 2 sec. later, then do it again.

You're smart, you're engaged, you're engaging, you care about stuff, you struggle to be a good dad. ALL OF THAT is more important than 'how you look'.

I'll tell you something that's really true: how you are with your kid, how you talk about your kid, how your kid is w/ you - these things are *very* important* to a woman who's involved in the same struggle of raising a kid alone. You could look like *roadkill*...but if you're a devoted father, your kid's turning out well & loves you - and you treat *her* kid in a way that's consistent with what she sees in your relationship w/ your kid - that's worth more than gold.

Seriously.
 
dsade said:
To paraphrase Nietzsche, Marriage is nothing but an extended conversation.

To interpret - the novelty of hotness and sexual exploration wears off quickly..and you better be sure that the one you end up with will hold your interest in conversation and other areas, or you will find yourself miserable.
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THIS IS TRUE: Carve it on the inside of your skull so you NEVER forget it.

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to dsade again."
 
Jayhawkk said:
Exactly! The woman i've been dating now does just that for me. We have great conversations on a lot of topics. She's still more educated than me but i've found that to pretty much be the standard lol.

Morals, ethics, family values, common interests, ambition, education, sexual compatibility
.
.
.
.
.
Beauty

That's my personal list(incomplete) on what I look for in a potential long term relationship and family.
Click to expand...
Never to quibble w/ you, Jay...but you left out parenting.

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Jayhawkk again."
 
mixedup said:
I you like her and are comfortable with her and she is you that's what matters. i've dated many women that guys drool over (disclaimer not because i am some great catch or brad pitt but i do have the distinct good luck of being related to several strippers and having worked at various strip clubs for several years pre marriage) and you'd be surprised how much they are into guys that just treat them like regular girls
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BANG - exactly. Women who are beautiful get SO much attention for "being beautiful" - but NO appreciation at all for anything else...and *everyone* with a brain is pleased when someone notices what they've got "under the hood".

Dated a stripper myself for a while, and she was truly beautiful...but she didn't like people, especially men. Said she felt like livestock: no-one cared how she felt or what she wanted, much less what she thought. Everyone thought I was crazy when I broke up w/ her....
 
I include parenting in family values :)

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well a little update. We went out to a nice dinner tonight, and it was great. We are actually planning on getting together within the next week or two. :woohoo:
 
Reaper329 said:
so far so good. I actually have flowers being sent over tomorrow for vday, nothing too romantic but a nice little bouqet.
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Be sure to include a card that says "Happy VD!!"
 
is that for an std or for the holiday? :)

if it is for the holiday, than it was included
 
ABNRanger said:
I think you are beating up yourself more than you need to. Appreciate her beauty, but don't over compliment her, she will think you only like her for her looks. Just take it one day at a time, and see how it goes. Make sure that in your heart, that you are not on the rebound, and you need to assure her of that as well. Now as far as "dating up" that is relative only to YOU. Always believe that you are worthy of more than what you are getting; don't beat yourself into thinking you don't deserve a beautiful woman, or that ANY WOMAN IS OUT YOUR LEAGUE. You will be alright, she obviously likes you, otherwise she would be long gone.
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This man speaks the truth.
 
No one is "out of your league".

Just make her feel special, but not too special, as you have needs as well. You don't want to put her on a pedestal.
 
OK to update this, we have now gone out several times, we were out just this sunday and it was great. Here is the but, we have taken things slowly (which seemed more based on location than anything else) however, she is now acting strange and the communication has slown considerably. Additionally, this morning in a text I received I saw "I am going through a lot right now". Which by the way I dont doubt, as both she and I are in bad living situations at the moment. I am beginning to think maybe I was taking it too slowly? Damn women are nuts I tell you :lol:

However, it seems all I can do is be patient, which is an unfortunate things, as this had gone ridiculously well up until yesterday, when it started to turn. I mean hell, she was talking to me about plans for my birthday at the end of March. :aargh:
 
Just focus on the things she's having to go through right now. sometimes people want to know if the person they're planning on being with will be there even if there are a few obstacles in the way.
 
As Jay said make sure she knows that you will be there for her and see if there is anything you can do to help or be there to listen.
 
I offered to help in any way possible, even if she just needed someone to talk to.
 
I feel assuming she was out-of-your league was your first mistake, Reap. What reasoning do you have that the situation is, in fact, not reversed? Who is to say you are not out of her league? If you feel it possible for a woman to be out-of-your league than, unfortunately, she will be; if you assume nobody is out your league, then, they are not.

Also keep in mind that sub-conscious non-verbal language - such as your shoulder and head position while navigating through a social setting, or the way you hold your hands and shoulders while leaning up against a bar, or even the way your hands fall when sitting - communicates more to a potential pair-bond than you could ever aspire to verbally; unbeknownst to even themselves, a potential social-partner may become immediately disinterested in you based simply on these non-verbal characteristics. We must never forget that 200,000 years of selective sexual evolution does not dissipate so easily. While our rational intellectual-possessiveness has fooled us into collectively believing that deliberate cognitive action represents who we are in a social setting, the fact is our sub-cognitive behaviours often dictate our social opportunities i.e., a fancy way of saying instincts re: pair bonding and social mating still play a large role in mate selection.

This is why confidence must be a particular inherent aspect of who you are, and not merely a mantra; many males speak confidently, but navigate unconfidently, and this is readily apparent to a possible social partner. In effect, one must face themselves with the impossible task of controlling their sub-cognitive behaviour; much like Marines train themselves diligently so that reactions on the battlefield are almost entirely instinctual.

At any rate, this was a bit of a tangent and I am not necessarily claiming this is what happened to you!
 
I will be honest, I truly thought I was acting confident. I dont think I was showing a sense of bad body language, however, I really cant tell in retrospect.

In this situation I think I just am going to need to exhibit a great deal of patience which is not my strongest characteristic.
 
Reaper329 said:
I will be honest, I truly thought I was acting confident. I dont think I was showing a sense of bad body language, however, I really cant tell in retrospect.
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The fact that we subconsciously carry our bodies in a way which mirrors our unadulterated and unrepresented intentions is often subversive to our conscious goals. Obviously, the fact they are subconscious makes it highly difficult to retrospectively assess behaviour in a given position. Attempting to would be akin to asking, "How many times did you scratch your nose or shift positions last Tuesday?" The key is not acting, but being: the mere use of the word 'acting' implies that you were exhibiting a behavior set which may not necessarily constitute your inner-most 'Reaper' [I sound quite like a Chinese proverb, here]. E-mail me, as I have some literature you may be interested in.

In this situation I think I just am going to need to exhibit a great deal of patience which is not my strongest characteristic.
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As long as you are being patient, take some time over the next few days to slowly disseminate your behavioural pattern re: non-verbal communication. Rather than unassumingly passing through social settings, ask yourself:

a) How am I making eye contact? Am I making eye contact?

b) How do I hold my body when walking through a crowded setting?

c) How do I enter a room? [very key]

d) Where is my body positioning when I address a female? Open-stance and forward, or slightly retracted?

You must remember that, for example, a dominant male of our ancestral race would not meander into a social setting - his arrival would be announced as he is fully cognizant of his social position within a group of mixed-gendered contemporaries. In this same way, I feel many women will dissect your entire sense of purpose and intentionality the minute you enter a room; simply because you did not see them does not mean they did not see you.

I also find women are much more socially astute and fastidious than males. Even minute details such as the way you exit a bathroom back into a social setting may be subconsciously substantial to them.

If you learn to be aware of your subconscious signaling, then you can be sure of your actions in retrospect.
 
I will agree, women are far more astute about these things. I am evidently oblivious to most things when it comes to women. I am going to assume that it has more to do with being in a relationship for almost 12 years, as opposed to being a jackass. After our date Sunday and all the missed signals (I only know this based on a conversation with another female who I trust).
 
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