Share Your Favourite Jokes...

I had a good chuckle over this one.



Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Barack Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an
enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.

Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
 
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.


When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he
asked about using one of the pills.



The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
strong and very expensive."


"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd st
ill like to try one, and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."


Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.


"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
 
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?' To which th e man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use the m to have safe sex.'
'Oh, I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'I've heard of that in health class
at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks , 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high s chool boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.' ' Cool' says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then, who are these for?' 'Those are for col lege men,' the dad answers. 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'Then, who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12- pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....... '
 
Amish
Sex
An Amish woman and her daughter
were riding
in an old buggy one
cold blustery day.

The
daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are
freezing cold.'

The
mother replied, 'Put them between your legs.

Your body heat will warm
them up.'

The daughter did, and her
hands warmed up..

The
next day, the daughter was riding with her
boyfriend who said,
'My
hands are freezing cold.'

The girl
replied, 'Put them between my
legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them
up.'

He did and
warmed his hands.

The following day, the
boyfriend was again in
the buggy
with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is
cold.'

The
girl replied, 'Put it between my legs.
The warmth of
my body will warm
it up'.

He did and warmed his nose.

The
next day the
boyfriend was again driving with the daughter,
and he said,
'My penis
is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was
driving in
the buggy with her
mother again, and she says to her mother,

'Have
you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother
said,'
Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies:

'They
make a mess when they defrost, don't they?!
 
why is it girls get their nipples pierced eeven though it hurts? they get breast augmentation..probably sore for awhile...they get tatoos on genital areas and dont complain...they pluck their eyebrows..thats gotta hurt...but when you try to get them in the a#$..they say .."NO...its gonna hurt"..
 
Woman tells her husband one night while in bed, make love to me like they do in movies, husband turns over and nuts on her face, wife says WTF! he says i guess we dont watch the same movies
 
Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did a s she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my gosh, Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when you face wook ed zachary like you butt.'
 
Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie
 
Dude goes to the dr and says

Dude: "I think I may loosing my hearing"

Doc "Tell me about the symptoms"

Dude: "Well Homer's the fat one and Marge has blue hair"

Bbwahahah I kill my self.
 
MALE DOMINATION...........................

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise,
God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line was for men who were true heads of their household,
and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were
gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you
to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have
not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one
in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
 
I was at my bank today; there was only a short line for a change. There was
just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady said, 'Fluc you white people too!'
 
okay, this one is kinda stupid.

did you hear about the football stadium in warsaw?

it had to be torn down, because everywhere you sat, you sat behind a pole....


why couldn't the leper talk?

cat got his tongue....


what's a lepers favorite book?

a farewell to arms...
 
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here's a great sale on tires!"
His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." To that, the man said, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?"

:laugh2:
 
Ok ladies ; What is the best way to tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm count ?






























If you have to chew before you swallow !!

FTW!!!
 
Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river.
Needing to get to the other side,
The first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs
And he was able to swim
Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give me
Strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! . God gave him a rowboat and strong arms
And strong legs and he
Was able to row across in about an hour
After almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men,
The third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength,
The tools and the intelligence
To cross the river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map,
Hiked one
Hundred yards up stream
And walked across the bridge.



'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
 
Never let a man order the wedding cake!
 

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A man and his wife are about to have sex for the first time in a very long time. They get naked, he puts it in, and his wife gasps "WOW! I had forgotten how big you are!" The man replies, "I was gonna say the same thing about you."
 
"We'd like a room, please," the man said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning. ""Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal? ""No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it. "
 
what's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?




a prostitute can wash her crack and resell it....
 
Two Blondes With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentery work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for
the other side of the house!'
 
That's nice!

As today there is still much talking about MJ I wish to share with you one joke i heard.

- What does King of Pop mean?
- Pervert
On
Pills
 
JERSEY GIRLS ARE BEAUTIFUL, CLASSY, AND HAVE AN ATTITUDE

Drinking with a Jersey Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Jersey girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican
finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol,
and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink
with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's
a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the
glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that
we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Jersey girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots
the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Jersey we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the
same ones twice.'

God Bless New Jersey
 
Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Ohio had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not c oming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said
'I'm here to feed the alligator .'

Some old men can still think fast.
 
The Three Little Pigs ... Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down ... and he did !

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, 'Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house' so the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down' and he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!'

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.

These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living **** out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet, threw his sorry ass into the creek and then got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! 'Who the hell were those guys?' they asked.

Those were my cousins ... the Guinea Pigs'

Gotta love those Italians '
 
Stamp Malfunction
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3.People are spitting on the wrong side.


Remember,.. it's a joke!
 
Here's one I heard on the tv show, 3 1/2 Men the other day. We all know that big breasted girls can work at Hooters, but where do one legged girl work? IHOP.

BTW, that show is great.
 
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies


"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - Alot cheaper than a doctor."


So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.


He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.


Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.


He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2.. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!


Thank you for shopping @ Walmart
 
Awesome, Fastone! :D
 
Why is it when your wife gets pregnant




all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations"




but nobody rubs your **** and say's "Good Job"?
 
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
 
25 THINGS ABOUT TO BECOME EXTINCT IN AMERICA

Will this happen in our lifetime?

25. U.S. Post Office
They are pricing themselves out of existence. With e-mail, and online services they are a relic of the past. (refer to #9) Packages are also sent faster and cheaper with UPS.

24. Yellow Pages
This year will be pivotal for the global Yellow Pages industry Much like newspapers, print Yellow Pages will continue to bleed dollars to their various digital counterparts, from Internet Yellow Pages (IYPs), to local search engines and combination search/listing services like Reach Local and Yodel Factors like 20 an acceleration of the print 'fade rate' and the looming recession will contribute to the onslaught. One research firm predicts the falloff in usage of newspapers and print Yellow Pages could even reach 10% this year -- much higher than the 2%-3% fade rate seen in past years.

23. Classified Ads
The Internet has made so many things obsolete that newspaper classified ads might sound like just another trivial item on a long list. But this is one of those harbingers of the future that could signal the end of civilization as we know it. The argument is that if newspaper classifieds are replaced by free online listings at sites like Craigslist.org and Google Base, then newspapers are not far behind them.

22. Movie Rental Stores
While Netflix is looking up at the moment, Blockbuster keeps closing store locations by the hundreds. It still has about 6,000 left across the world, but those keep dwindling and the stock is down considerably in 2008, especially since the company gave up a quest of Circuit City. Movie Gallery, which owned the Hollywood Video brand, closed up shop earlier this year. Countless small video chains and mom-and-pop stores have given up the ghost already.

21. Dial-up Internet Access
Dial-up connections have fallen from 40% in 2001 to 10% in 2008. The combination of an infrastructure to accommodate affordable high speed Internet connections and the disappearing home phone have all but pounded the final nail in the coffin of dial-up Internet access.

20. Phone Land Lines
According to a survey from the National Center for Health Statistics, at the end of 2007, nearly one in six homes was cell-only and, of those homes that had land lines, one in eight only received calls on their cells.
19. Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs
Maryland's icon, the blue crab, has been fading away in Chesapeake Bay. Last year Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Just four decades ago the bay produced 96 million pounds. The population is down 70% since 1990, when they first did a formal count. There are only about 120 million crabs in the bay and they think they need 200 million for a sustainable population. Over-fishing, pollution, invasive species and global warming get the blame.

18. VCRs
For the better part of three decades, the VCR was a best-seller and staple in every American household until being completely decimated by the DVD, and now the Digital Video Recorder (DVR). In fact, the only remnants of the VHS age at your local Wal-Mart or Radio Shack are blank VHS tapes these days. Pre-recorded VHS tapes are largely gone and VHS decks are practically nowhere to be found. They served us so well.

17. Ash Trees
In the late 1990's, a pretty, iridescent green species of beetle, now known as the emerald ash borer, hitched a ride to North America with ash wood products imported from eastern Asia. In less than a decade, its larvae have killed millions of trees in the
Midwest, and continue to spread. They've killed more than 30 million ash trees in southeastern Michigan alone, with tens of millions more lost in Ohio and Indiana.. More than 7.5 billion ash trees=2 0are currently at risk.

16. Ham Radio
Amateur radio operators enjoy personal (and often worldwide) wireless communications with each other and are able to support their communities with emergency and disaster communications if necessary, while increasing their personal knowledge of electronics and radio theory. However, proliferation of the Internet and its popularity among youth has caused the decline of amateur radio. In the past five years alone, the number of people holding active ham radio licenses has dropped by 50,000, even though Morse Code is no longer a requirement.

15. The Swimming Hole
Thanks to our litigious society, swimming holes are becoming a thing of the past. '20/20' reports that swimming hole owners, like Robert Every in High Falls, NY, are shutting them down out of worry that if someone gets hurt they'll sue.. And that's exactly what happened in Seattle The city of Bellingham was sued by Katie Hofstetter who was paralyzed in a fall at a popular swimming hole in Whatcom Falls Park. As injuries occur and lawsuits follow, expect more swimming holes to post 'Keep out!' signs.

14. Answering Machines
The increasing disappearance of answering machines is directly tied to No 20 our list -- the decline of landlines. According to USA Today, the number of homes that only use cell phones jumped 159% between 2004 and 2007. It has been particularly bad d in New York; since 2000, landline usage has dropped 55%. It's logical that as cell phones rise, many of them replacing traditional landlines, that there will be fewer answering machines.

13. Cameras That Use Film
It doesn't require a statistician to prove the rapid disappearance of the film camera in America Just look to companies like Nikon, the professional's choice for quality camera equipment. In 2006, it announced that it would stop making film cameras, pointing to the shrinking market -- only 3% of its sales in 2005, compared to 75% of sales from digital cameras and equipment.

12. Incandescent Bulbs
Before a few years ago, the standard 60-watt (or, yikes, 100-watt) bulb was the mainstay of every U.S. home. With the green movement and all-things-sustainable-energy crowd, the Compact Fluorescent Lightbulb (CFL) is largely replacing the older, Edison-era incandescent bulb. The EPA reports that 2007 sales for Energy Star CFLs nearly doubled from 2006, and these sales accounted for approximately 20 percent of the U.S. light bulb market. And according to USA Today, a new energy bill plans to phase out incandescent bulbs in the next four to 12 years.

11. Stand-Alone Bowling Alleys
Bowling Balls. US claims there are still 60 million Americans who bowl at least once a year, but many are not bowling in stand-alone bowling alleys. Today most new bowling alleys are part of facilities for all types or recreation including laser tag, go-karts, bumper cars, video game arcades, climbing walls and glow miniature golf. Bowling lanes also have been added to many non-traditional venues such as adult communities, hotels and resorts, and gambling casinos.

10. The Milkman
According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, in 1950, over half of the milk delivered was to the home in quart bottles, by 1963, it was about a third and by 2001, it represented only 0.4% percent. Nowadays most milk is sold through supermarkets in gallon jugs. The steady decline in home-delivered milk is blamed, of course, on the rise of the supermarket, better home refrigeration and longer-lasting milk. Although some milkmen still make the rounds in pockets of the U.S., they are certainly a dying breed..

9. Hand-Written Letters
In 2006, the Radicati Group estimated that, worldwide, 183 billion e-mails were sent each day.. Two million each second. By November of 2007, an estimated 3.3 billion Earthlings owned cell phones, and 80% of the world's population had access to cell phone coverage. In 2004, half-a-trillion text messages were sent, and the number has no doubt increased exponentially since then. So where amongst this gorge of gabble is there room for the elegant, polite hand-written letter?

8. Wild Horses
It is estimated that 100 years ago, as many as two million horses were roaming free within the United States. In 2001, National Geographic News estimated that the wild horse population has decreased to about 50,000 head. Currently, the National Wild Horse and Burro Advisory board states that there are 32,000 free roaming horses in ten Western states, with half of them residing in Nevada. The Bureau of Land Management is seeking to reduce the total number of free range horses to 27,000, possibly by selective euthanasia.

7. Personal Checks
According to an American Bankers Assoc. report, a net 23% of consumers plan to decrease their use of checks over the next two years, while a net 14% plan to increase their use of PIN debit. Bill payment remains the last stronghold of paper-based payments -- for the time being. Checks continue to be the most commonly used bill payment method, with 71% of consumers paying at least one recurring bill per month by writing a check. However, a bill-by-bill basis, checks account for only 49% of consumers' recurring bill payments (down from 72% in 2001 and 60% in 2003)..

6.. Drive-in Theaters
During the peak in 1958, there were more than 4,000 drive-in theaters in this country, but in 2007 only 405 drive-ins were still operating. Exactly zero new drive-ins have been built since 2005. Only one reopened in 2005 and five reopened in 2006, so there isn't much of a movement toward reviving the closed ones.

5.. Mumps & Measles
Despite what's been in the news lately, the measles and mumps actually, truly are disappearing from the United States.. In 1964, 212,000 cases of mumps were reported in the U.S. By 1983, this figure had dropped to 3,000, thanks to a vigorous
vaccination program. Prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine, approximately half a million cases of measles were reported in the U.S. annually, resulting in 450 deaths. In 2005, only 66 cases were recorded.

4. Honey Bees
Perhaps nothing on our list of disappearing America is so dire; plummeting so enormously; and so necessary to the survival of our food supply as the honey bee. Very scary. 'Colony Collapse Disorder,' or CCD, has spread throughout the U.S. and Europe over the past few years, wiping out 50% to 90% of the colonies of many
beekeepers -- and along with it, their livelihood.

3. News Magazines and TV News
While the TV evening newscasts haven't gone anywhere over the last several decades, their audiences have. In 1984, in a story about the diminishing returns of the evening news, the New York Times reported that all three network evening-news programs combined had only 40.9 million viewers. Fast forward to 2008, and what they have today is half that.

2.. Analog TV
According to the Consumer Electronics Association, 85% of homes in the U.S. get their television programming through cable or satellite providers. For the remaining 15% -- or 13 million individuals -- who are using rabbit ears or a large outdoor antenna to get their local stations, change is in the air. If you are one of these people you'll need to get a new TV or a converter box in order to get the new stations which will only be broadcast in digital..

1. The Family Farm
Since the 1930's, the number of family farms has been declining rapidly. According to the USDA, 5.3 million farms dotted the nation in 1950, but this number had declined to 2.1 million by the 2003 farm census (data from the 2007 census is just now being published). Ninety-one percent of the U.S. FARMS are small Family Farms.

Both interesting and saddening, isn't it?
 
I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.

It said my password wasn't long enough. :(
 
I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.

It said my password wasn't long enough. :(

Password expander required! :biglaugh:
 
q-why dont women fart? a-because they dont shut up long enough to build up pressure!:twak:
 
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.


OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.





1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: 'bread.'
If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4..








4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or 'no man's land'?










Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.








5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus.... In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?



















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends,
pray they do better than you.
P.S. 95% of the people fail most of the questions!!!
 
TWO OLD MEN

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.


AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.


THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'


THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'


'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'


'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'




'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
 
Nice contributions, Bonscott! :thumbsup:
 
Why is it when your wife gets pregnant




all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations"




but nobody rubs your **** and say's "Good Job"?

fcuk yeah!
 
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