Share Your Favourite Jokes...
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nemo
Well-known member
How to Win a Woman:
Compliment Her
Cuddle Her
Kiss Her
Caress Her
Love Her
Stroke Her
Tease Her
Comfort Her
Protect Her
Hold Her
Spend Time with Her
Wine and Dine Her
Buy Things for Her
Listen To Her
Care for Her
Stand By Her
Support Her
Go To the Ends of the Earth for Her
How to Win a Man:
Show Up Naked and Bring Food
Compliment Her
Cuddle Her
Kiss Her
Caress Her
Love Her
Stroke Her
Tease Her
Comfort Her
Protect Her
Hold Her
Spend Time with Her
Wine and Dine Her
Buy Things for Her
Listen To Her
Care for Her
Stand By Her
Support Her
Go To the Ends of the Earth for Her
How to Win a Man:
Show Up Naked and Bring Food
nemo
Well-known member
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men....are men
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men....are men
AGELESS
Registered User
Older Women Are So Reasonable
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY
AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT
ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,00 0.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN
A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY
AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT
ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,00 0.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN
A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES
TheLastRonin
Active member
So one day this farmer finds out that his main rooster randy hasn't been living up to his end of the bargain with the hens. So the farmer mixed up a batch of outdated viagra pills and home remedies in a kind of ultimate rooster sexual aid. He then fed it to the rooster where the effects seemed to be imediate, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."said the farmer and with that, Randy strutted into the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But, Randy didn't stop there.
Randy went down to the pond and started rogering the ducks, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.
Not enough for Randy he proceeded to go to the cows and roger them as well!
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Randy! You'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner, so the farmer retired to his house for the night.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying out there in the middle of the yard. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, one wing twitching and his beak slowly opening and closing.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy."
Randy opened one eye and said "Shhhhhhh" , "I almost got those buzzard's to come over here." :laugh:
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But, Randy didn't stop there.
Randy went down to the pond and started rogering the ducks, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.
Not enough for Randy he proceeded to go to the cows and roger them as well!
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Randy! You'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner, so the farmer retired to his house for the night.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying out there in the middle of the yard. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, one wing twitching and his beak slowly opening and closing.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy."
Randy opened one eye and said "Shhhhhhh" , "I almost got those buzzard's to come over here." :laugh:
EasyEJL
Never enough
I finally have a good one to contribute
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
supersoldier
She thinks my traps'rrrr sexy!
Didn't read the whole thread so sorry if its been posted...
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of my hand!:slap:
:lol:
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of my hand!:slap:
:lol:
nemo
Well-known member
To Those of You Born
1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno... If you don't read anything else, please
read what he said.
Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno... If you don't read anything else, please
read what he said.
Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
ABNRanger
Well-known member
The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
=2 0 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the C ircus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I fini shed.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
=2 0 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the C ircus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I fini shed.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
strategicmove
Legend
nemo
Well-known member
> >
> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
> >
> > THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
> >
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> >
> > FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME..
> >
> > SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH
> >
> > THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS
> >
> > AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
> >
> > THEN?
> >
> > UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> >
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
> >
> > TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
> >
> > MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
> >
> > THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED,
> >
> > FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
> >
> > ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
>
> > HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
> >
> > THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
> >
> >
> > MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> >
> > FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> >
> > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME..
> >
> > SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH
> >
> > THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS
> >
> > AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
> >
> > THEN?
> >
> > UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> >
> > THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY
> >
> > TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
> >
> > AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
> >
> > MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
> >
> > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
> >
> > WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
> >
> > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
> >
> > YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
> >
> > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
> >
> > THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED,
> >
> > FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH
> >
> > ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
>
nemo
Well-known member
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
The children began to identify the flavours by their color:
Red...................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The children began to identify the flavours by their color:
Red...................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
nemo
Well-known member
> > Bottle of wine
> > A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
> > After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting.. I am a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
> > Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault..women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
> > The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
> > She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
> > The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
> > The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
> > The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
> > MORAL OF THE STORY:
> > Women are clever, evil bitches
> > A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
> > After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting.. I am a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.
> > Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault..women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
> > The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
> > She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
> > The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
> > The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
> > The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'
> > MORAL OF THE STORY:
> > Women are clever, evil bitches
nemo
Well-known member
Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ ,
the young minister
noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ ,
the young minister
noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
EasyEJL
Never enough
My wife says she has anal sex every time. Its because every time she's having sex with an assho1e.
nemo
Well-known member
Not really a joke,.. but a good read!!!
The Sack Lunch
>
> > I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
>
> assigned sea t. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good
>
> book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
>
>
>
> Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and
>
> filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me.. I decided to start
> a
>
> conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated
> nearest to
>
> me.
>
>
> < br> > 'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then
> we're
>
> being deployed to Afghanistan
>
>
>
> After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack
> lunches
>
> were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we
>
> reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the
> time..
>
>
>
> As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he
> planned
>
> to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch.
>
> Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base '
>
>
>
> His friend agreed.
>
>
>
> I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked
> to
>
> the back of the plan e and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar
> bill.
>
> 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed
>
> tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier
> in
>
> Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
>
>
>
> Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were
>
> seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which=2 0do you like best- beef
> or
>
> chicken?'
>
>
>
> 'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to
> the
>
> front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first
>
> class. 'This is your thanks.'
>
>
>
> After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
>
> heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want
>
> to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars..
>
>
>
> Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down
> the
>
> aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not
> looking
>
> for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the
>
> plane. When he got to20my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an
>
> said, 'I want to shake your hand.'
>
>
>
> Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand.
> With a
>
> booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot.
> Once,
>
> someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I
>
> was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
>
>
>
> Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A
> man
>
> who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,
> wanting
>
> to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
>
>
>
> When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane.
>
> Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put
>
> something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a
> word.
>
> Another twenty-five dollars!
>
>
>
> Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip
> to
>
> the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars.
> 'It
>
> will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a
>
>20sandwich. God Bless You.'
>
>
>
> Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their
> fellow
>
> travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their
>
> safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I
> could
>
> only give them a couple of meals.
>
>
>
> It seemed so little...
>
>
>
> A veteran is s omeone who, at one point in his life,wrote a blank check
> made
>
> payable to ' America for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
>
>
>
> That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
>
> longer understand it.'
>
>
>
>
>
The Sack Lunch
>
> > I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my
>
> assigned sea t. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good
>
> book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
>
>
>
> Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and
>
> filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me.. I decided to start
> a
>
> conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated
> nearest to
>
> me.
>
>
> < br> > 'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then
> we're
>
> being deployed to Afghanistan
>
>
>
> After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack
> lunches
>
> were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we
>
> reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the
> time..
>
>
>
> As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he
> planned
>
> to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch.
>
> Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to base '
>
>
>
> His friend agreed.
>
>
>
> I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked
> to
>
> the back of the plan e and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar
> bill.
>
> 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed
>
> tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier
> in
>
> Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
>
>
>
> Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were
>
> seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which=2 0do you like best- beef
> or
>
> chicken?'
>
>
>
> 'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to
> the
>
> front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first
>
> class. 'This is your thanks.'
>
>
>
> After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane,
>
> heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want
>
> to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars..
>
>
>
> Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down
> the
>
> aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not
> looking
>
> for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the
>
> plane. When he got to20my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an
>
> said, 'I want to shake your hand.'
>
>
>
> Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand.
> With a
>
> booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot.
> Once,
>
> someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I
>
> was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.
>
>
>
> Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A
> man
>
> who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,
> wanting
>
> to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
>
>
>
> When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane.
>
> Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put
>
> something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a
> word.
>
> Another twenty-five dollars!
>
>
>
> Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip
> to
>
> the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars.
> 'It
>
> will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a
>
>20sandwich. God Bless You.'
>
>
>
> Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their
> fellow
>
> travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their
>
> safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I
> could
>
> only give them a couple of meals.
>
>
>
> It seemed so little...
>
>
>
> A veteran is s omeone who, at one point in his life,wrote a blank check
> made
>
> payable to ' America for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
>
>
>
> That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no
>
> longer understand it.'
>
>
>
>
>
Stallion83
Member
thats a good one looking at it at a male perspective lol
Stallion83
Member
Enjoy many of these are really funny.
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Stallion83
Member
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
omg that is so hilarious. I can imagine a bunch of morons doing that hahaha. Better yet talk to ppl about moleculare structure and what it is and all like i.e. lets say Ephedrine and see if they follow and throw in some of their "ideas"
omg that is so hilarious. I can imagine a bunch of morons doing that hahaha. Better yet talk to ppl about moleculare structure and what it is and all like i.e. lets say Ephedrine and see if they follow and throw in some of their "ideas"
Stallion83
Member
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
I got to try that someday lol
I got to try that someday lol
Fastone
Well-known member
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said,
she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the
amount of money i
nvolved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clo
ck in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'
:bruce3:
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said,
she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the
amount of money i
nvolved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clo
ck in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'
:bruce3:
strategicmove
Legend
Quite a good one, Fastone! :thumbsup:
strategicmove
Legend
suncloud
Well-known member
two kids live next door to each other. their parents insist on one-upmanship. for example, the dad buys his son a swing set for the back yard, so the next door neighbor buys their daughter a jungle gym. this keeps going on until both parents are starting to go broke.
finally, one of the fathers has had enough. he whispers some words in his sons ear. the next day, the son walks over to the little girls house, and drops his pants. he then says "i got one of these, and you don't!"
the little girl slams the door and runs crying to her mom. her mom gets the story, and whispers some words in the girls ear. the next day, the girl walks over to the boys house, and pulls up her skirt. she says "my mom said with one of THESE, i can get as many of THOSE as i want!"
finally, one of the fathers has had enough. he whispers some words in his sons ear. the next day, the son walks over to the little girls house, and drops his pants. he then says "i got one of these, and you don't!"
the little girl slams the door and runs crying to her mom. her mom gets the story, and whispers some words in the girls ear. the next day, the girl walks over to the boys house, and pulls up her skirt. she says "my mom said with one of THESE, i can get as many of THOSE as i want!"
nemo
Well-known member
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo .....just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo .....just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot...
nemo
Well-known member
CHEWING GUM FOR THE MIND
ONE ... CAN:
One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.
One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.
One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.
One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.
One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true.
One life can make the difference,
You see it's up to "You"
~ Author Unknown
PEACE OUT
ONE ... CAN:
One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.
One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.
One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.
One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.
One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true.
One life can make the difference,
You see it's up to "You"
~ Author Unknown
PEACE OUT
nemo
Well-known member
'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
(this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
nemo
Well-known member
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
Done my part!!!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
Done my part!!!
nemo
Well-known member
>
> > Next time you use a pair of latex gloves, you're
> going to smile when
> you think of this:
> >
> > A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old
> lady, was
> > nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
> put on his
> > gloves.
> >
> > 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he
> asked.
> >
> > 'No, I don't,' she replied.
> >
> > 'Well,' he spoofed,' there's a
> building in Canada with a big tank of
> > latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the
> tank, dip in their
> hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw
> them into boxes
> of the right size.'
> >
> > She didn't crack a smile.
> >
> > 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
> >
> > But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of
> the procedure,
> she burst out laughing.
> >
> > 'What's so funny?' he asked.
> >
> > 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
>
> >
> > (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are
> always working!)
> >
> >
> > They have been there and done everything!
> > Next time you use a pair of latex gloves, you're
> going to smile when
> you think of this:
> >
> > A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old
> lady, was
> > nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
> put on his
> > gloves.
> >
> > 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he
> asked.
> >
> > 'No, I don't,' she replied.
> >
> > 'Well,' he spoofed,' there's a
> building in Canada with a big tank of
> > latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the
> tank, dip in their
> hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw
> them into boxes
> of the right size.'
> >
> > She didn't crack a smile.
> >
> > 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
> >
> > But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of
> the procedure,
> she burst out laughing.
> >
> > 'What's so funny?' he asked.
> >
> > 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
>
> >
> > (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are
> always working!)
> >
> >
> > They have been there and done everything!
nemo
Well-known member
Dear God:
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.
-UNKNOWN AUTHOR
...now go and listen to some good music!
So far today, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.
-UNKNOWN AUTHOR
...now go and listen to some good music!
nemo
Well-known member
One for the Irish
Nookie Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Nookie Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
nemo
Well-known member
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels .
>
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
>
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
> first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
> " Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ---
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
>
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to p ay me a
> compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, " Your eyesight's damn near perfect. "
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
>
> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
>
> I said, 'Dust.'
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
>
> She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds.'
>
> I bought her a scale.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
>
> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
> expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
> first.
>
> "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
>
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
>
> " Nah, she can order for herself."
>
> And then the fight started...
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ---
>
> A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
>
> She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
> horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to p ay me a
> compliment.'
>
> The husband replies, " Your eyesight's damn near perfect. "
>
> And then the fight started.....
>
> ------------ --------- --------- ------
>
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
>
> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
>
> I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
>
> And then the fight started....
>
nemo
Well-known member
36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 , repeat 71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
NBA Or NFL?
Give up yet? ...
Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 435 members of the
United States Congress
The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 , repeat 71
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can
you guess which organization this is?
NBA Or NFL?
Give up yet? ...
Scroll down,
Neither,
it's the 435 members of the
United States Congress
The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.
suncloud
Well-known member
two strangers are sitting next to each other in an airplane. the guy notices that the girl next to him is pretty hot, so he strikes up a conversation :
man : you're really cute! what do you do for a living?
woman : i'm a sexologist
man : a what?
woman : i study all things related to sex. for instance, i've found that men with the widest schlongs are actually jewish
man : really?
woman : yep. and contrary to popular belief, men with the longest schlongs are american indian
man : wow - i didn't know that.
woman : my name is amy
man : tonto goldstein
man : you're really cute! what do you do for a living?
woman : i'm a sexologist
man : a what?
woman : i study all things related to sex. for instance, i've found that men with the widest schlongs are actually jewish
man : really?
woman : yep. and contrary to popular belief, men with the longest schlongs are american indian
man : wow - i didn't know that.
woman : my name is amy
man : tonto goldstein
Inarius
Well-known member
lol. :006:
Young Gotti
Well-known member
two gay guys r having sex, they both die at the same time...which one gets to heaven first?
the one on the bottom, he already had his **** packed
the one on the bottom, he already had his **** packed
Red Dog
Well-known member
haha the "what the ****?" reaction to the Iron Eagle tattoo by the black dude on the right gets me good.
suncloud
Well-known member
the black guy can't decide if he should kick mcmoney around for a few, or if he's above the sillyness. classic
Red Dog
Well-known member
the black guy can't decide if he should kick mcmoney around for a few, or if he's above the sillyness. classic
haha oh yeah, and you can see mcmoney avoiding eye contact cause he'd get his tiny ass whooped by those dudes.
ABNRanger
Well-known member
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
strategicmove
Legend
Ouch! Quite a hit!
nemo
Well-known member
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.
nemo
Well-known member
Our troops in Afghanistan prove yet again they have retained
their sense of humor. One of them sent this:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral
objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket
launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider
bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and
suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared
Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry
explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses
other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man
should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's
Goat...................
their sense of humor. One of them sent this:
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral
objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket
launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider
bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and
suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared
Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry
explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses
other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man
should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's
Goat...................