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Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.


You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.


1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of there.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off--

After I laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!


Friendship is like peeing in your pants

everyone can see it,

but only you can feel the true warmth.
 
Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate!!!!
 
"The Fisherman"






Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day. So, I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to
my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather
out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
 
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....


****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...


****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....


****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....


****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
 
One dark night in the small town in Garfield , NJ , a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced t hat for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, t he 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isz a fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
 
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
 
THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE

At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'
 
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
An impressive new book.. It's called ..........
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and
Your boss, the Pope only expects you
To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
SRC="aoladp://MA22757737-0006/ATT4.jpg">
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my
Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. A s you slide down the banister of life, may
The splinters never point the wrong way.
 
GREAT ADVICE!

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life,
let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.




If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:



When loved ones come home, always run to greet
them.


Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.


Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in
your face to be pure ecstasy..



When it's in your best interest, practice obedience!



Let others know when they've invaded your territory.



Take naps.



Stretch before rising.



Run, romp, and play daily.
</ FONT>

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.




Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.




On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into
the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make
friends.





Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you
have had enough.



Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.



If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.


When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
 
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
 
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
 
Super Bowl Seat

A Steeler fan had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl,
the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I
was suppose to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
some one else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

:bruce3:
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'
 
Fastone said:
Super Bowl Seat

A Steeler fan had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl,
the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I
was suppose to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
some one else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"


The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

:bruce3:
Click to expand...
yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeessss!!!!! lol
 
Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that f*cking slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.




Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!..... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own ****ing blanket.'



After a moment of silence, ...................he farted.

The End
 
> Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
> the same
> complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
> require a hip
> replacement.
> The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is
> x-rayed the same day and
> has a time booked for surgery the following week.
>
> The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3
> weeks for an
> appointment,then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
> then gets an x-ray,
> which isn't reviewed for another week and
> finally has his surgery scheduled
> for 6 months from then.
> Why the different treatment for the two patient s?
> The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
> The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
> Next time take me to a vet.
 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
 
this is not a joke but more like a funny story that a friend told me he read on some hip hop forum :)

here's how it goes!




So Monday evening I'm in the bath with my daughter and she points to my bits and says "What's this one?"

I said, "That's my vagina."

She points to her own and says "This one my one."

So I say "Yes, that's your vagina".

She days, "Where daddy's one?"

I tell her "Daddy doesn't have a vagina. Only girls and grown up women have vaginas. Daddy is a man so he has a penis."

She claps her hands and shrieks "I LIKE PEANUTS!"

:wiggle:
 
Jayhawkk said:
I have a good one!


A woman on welfare goes and has 8 more kids and continues to be a drain on society...



Funny huh?
Click to expand...

Yep! :D

iphone.gif
 
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered.. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
 
There is a mother in the kitchen who was washing the dishes, and while she was doing so she could hear her son in the living room playing with his new toy trains. All she could hear was her son saying
"We have arrived in San Francisco, those getting off the train get the fu_k off, those getting on the train get the fu_k on."
The mother couldn't believe what she was hearing, so she went into the living room and warned her son that if he didn't stop swearing, he was going to go stand in the corner for a time out. The mother then returned to the kitchen to finish her dishes, when all of a sudden she could hear her son again in the other room saying
"We have arrived in New York city, those getting off the train get the fu_k off, and those getting on the train get the fu_k on."
The mother was angered, so she immediately sent her son up stairs for half an hour time out. 30 minutes later, the son came back downstairs and played with his train set and this time he said
"We have arrived in California, those getting off the train please get off, and those getting on the train please get on."
From the kitchen the mother sighed with relief that her son finally listened, and she felt like a good mother for just a brief moment, which then she continued to listen to her son and heard him say...
"If you are all wondering why the train was a half hour late... Ask the C-u-n-t in the kitchen."


Hope you all enjoyed:D
 
A Koala was sitting in a gum tree...... Smoking a joint.
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint; come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala ,
Where they enjoyed the weed.


After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry
And that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
Over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, and
Helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
Was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
Got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked
Into the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was
Sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'

:bruce3:
 
 
I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response :

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:


You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina
 
A guy was browsing the classified ads for a new dog. His eye catches an ad that says, "Talking Dog-$5." The guy was just amazed. He placed the call and set up an appointment.
When he gets there, he's greeted at the door by an older man in coveralls. So the guy says, "Is he really a talking dog?" The owner says, "Sure is. He's in the backyard. Why don't you go have a look-see."
When he gets out there he sees the dog and says hello. The dog wakes up and says, "Oh hello. I didn't see you there. It's nice to meet you. My name's Rex." The guy is amazed! He says, "Wow, I can't believe it! Tell me about yourself."
So then Rex says, "Well, I had a happy childhood. As a pup, I was in numerous commercials and when I got a bit older, I wanted to help the community, so I became drug-sniffing dog for the local police dept. As time went on, I thought I could do more to help, so I joined the military and went all over the world as a bomb-sniffing dog until I retired about 5 years ago. At that time, I decided that I wanted to settle down and raise a few pups and live out my life around my family. Occasionally, I do volunteer as a seeing eye-dog and I have a part-time dog as a security guard."
The guy is ready to piss his pants. He can't believe what he's hearing or seeing. An actual talking dog. He tells Rex he'll be right back and goes back to talk to the owner.
"Are you sure you want to sell him?" The owner says, "Yep."
The guy says, "But why so cheap?"
Well, I have my reasons."
They guy says, "Well I do want to buy him but if you don't mind, Could you please tell me what your reasons are?"
Looking hurt, the owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of those things!"
 
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do .......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'

:bruce3:
 
Fastone said:
Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'

'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'OK,' the bartender says. 'Here's what you need to do .......

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her.'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things ..'

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat tequila?'

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

'Now,' he says. 'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'

:bruce3:
Click to expand...

Awesome!

iphone.gif
 
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Fred declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.

:bruce3:
 
Wow!

iphone.gif
 
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
 
picture yourself riding a zebra alongside a giraffe, meanwhile being chased by a tiger. What do you do???? Get your drunk ass off the carousel.........
 
a flasher is walking through a park wearing his jacket, when he spies 3 old ladies on a bench. he quickly approaches them and opens his jacket.

the first lady had a stroke.
the second lady had a stroke.
the third ladies arms were too short to reach.
 
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student
agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with
as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is
wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
 
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say "****", the Rottweiler ate
her!!!!

The teacher had to leave the room....
 
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a
tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.'
 
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen . An un armed man is a subject .

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
 
The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

' Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Billy, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Billy said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...
Why does the teacher always faint?? Do you know?
 
Leave It to Those Irishmen


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500.00 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gently, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500.00, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go straight away and tell him!" says Gallagher.

* * * * *

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you; he must've had something in his hand."
"That he did!" says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean. "You should've defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy! "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and thing of beauty it was; but, useless in a fight!"

* * * * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop. "It looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right!" the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, you wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," signs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

* * * * *

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So, what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night!"
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
She says, "He said, Please Mary, put down that damn'd gun!"

* * * * *

And . . . . The BEST for Last!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there.
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!
 
Confucius Says;

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.
 
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'
 
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.

Every night after dinner, he goes to a secluded garden behind the center
to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks,"Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?

SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held
a
gun to your head!"

I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it
for a while.

" Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his
dingle and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's dingle.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding his dingle

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that
I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's !!!!!"
 
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy
to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later, he came
home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without - Send extra sauce .
 
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:


"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************


In a Podiatrist's office:


"Time wounds all heels."
**************************


On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************


On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************


On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************


On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************


At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************


On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************


In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************


On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************


At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************


On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************


On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************


At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************


Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


**************************


In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************


In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:


"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


**************************


And don't forget the sign at a


RADIATOR SHOP:


"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************


Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
 
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007



Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.



2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.



2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them w ith assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.




Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's offi ce and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt..



1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.



2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


0D

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.



2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Hi s car is then sear ched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English..



1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.



2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.



1957 - Ants die.



2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.



0A

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.



2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


how stupid we have become!!
 
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe..."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says, is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"

"You're in the team for Tuesday."
 
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