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Friends with ex's

Mulletsoldier said:
Most definitely, and your contemporary situation can be attributed to more than likely three predominant factors; your currents wife's security; your own wisdom; your ex-wife's security and appropriate handling of the situation. Unfortunately, different rubrics must be used when judging the actions of a 22 and 42 year old woman (or man, for that matter) as they are quite different entities. I harbor no ill-will towards any of my former partners, however, the determinant decision is not mine and mine alone (speaking both in specifics and generalizing for people my age).
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But lets consider that that I was divorced at 28 and that it took the maturity of some foresight to employ the proper behaviors to allow this to be what it is at 42. These things began to take place long before my current wife came into the picture. Actually my ex and I grew each other into the security that we have by instilling in each other the unconditional (to the best of our abilities at the time) acceptance and affirmation of each others roles as co parents. We were free to love each other as who we were as individuals without the restraints of a dysfunctional immature marriage. But yes that one factor was children. But far far too many divorces w/kids usually end differently. We aspired to be unusual.

The moral to my story is that you have to act out now what you want to be in the future. Being mature now potentiates the future fruits of maturity when you are matured.

Fake it 'til you make it :)
 
Last Saturday, I went to dinner with my daughter, my daughter's mother, and my daughter's step-mother - yes, both ex-wives. It was my daughter's idea, and her step-mother's idea to bring her down for the rest of the Thanksgiving weekend (she's in school in Boston). We had a really good time. *I* had a really good time.

Once upon a time, this couldn't have happened: when her mother left & took her away, I truly hated her, hated how she treated me, hated her for taking my daughter, hated the sense of failure that came with her departure. We we were a good baby-making team, but that's literally where it ended. For years after, we only spoke when we had to. Somewhere along the line, she realised that I was not the source of al her problems; started treating me differently, and that gave me room to stop being so mad at her.

The step-mother & I split 3 years ago, but only went public last year, followed by a divorce; we never hated each other - we were just COMPLETELY mis-matched. Despite our best efforts, we kept pushing each other away, feeling more and more alone. Bad thing in a small house. Finally, while I was still pretending I could fix things, she decided enough was enough, and moved out.

Since then, I've been living with my new GF, and that's been both up AND down - often simultaneously. I asked her last week to find another place to live - not because I'm ticked, or she's awful, or that the fun is gone, but simply because I need to spend some time alone. I have projects ahead, remodeling, a business to kickstart, I need to get used to flying solo again, at least for a while. She understands, and we're actually having a much better time now than we have been in the last 6 months while we waited for some of our own projects to wind down. I t was hard to find a way to address it so that we wouldn't explode into anger & resentment; it took time, it was frustrating, and it was difficult. The payoff, though, is that we'll stay friends - perhaps for the rest of our lives.

I'm glad my daughter's mother and I are on good terms: been through the flip-side, and it sucked big & bad; I'm glad I'm on good terms with the step-mother: she's a good-hearted, lovely woman who never meant me any harm, and my daughter is crazy about her. I'm glad my GF and I are splitting amicably: she's been my best friend for a year and a half, I love her like crazy, and we have a great time together. I'm glad I'm going to have my life back: babies and relationships have dominated the last 20 years of my life, and it's my time now.
 
B5150 said:
The term used sort of implies that someone took advantage of you or misused you. Maybe, instead, you should consider that YOU misappropriated YOUR resources into a fruitless investment.

There were results. Everything has a result. Doing nothing has a result. The result in this case should be that in the future YOU recognize when YOU misappropriate YOUR resources into another fruitless relationship, without it needing to take two years to figure out.

Unless at 19 years old you are marriage minded and have determined that this is what both of you have in mind and desire for your future together then the result of having a girl friend should or could be just to enjoy each other for a time and a season. How else do you learn about mature relationships without having actually had one.

What you experienced is not unusual and it is not wrong.
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You make some very good points, and while I agree with most of them, I haven't once said (to her, nor anyone else) that it wasn't my fault for our problems. She may have been perfectly correct in all of her actions during our relationship, but that doesn't mean that when I think about her that it makes me feel good. Lots of people (wrong or right) don't enjoy all of their memories. My relationship with her, and all that it involved, just doesn't make me happy when I think about it.

And for the whole marriage issue, it actually was a very strong thought in both of our minds. We had been really good friends for four years before we even started dating seriously. I spent six years of my life with her, and while we were not officially dating for all six years, it was something very similar to a marriage. Lots of give and take. Something I thought could eventually turn into a permanent relationship, i.e. marriage. And while I now agree that I am still young, and probably not ready to be that serious, at the time I was at a much different, much more understanding and accepting point in my life, ready to give all 100%. And thinking back to that point in my life, compared to right now, just isn't one of my "happier" memories
 
Who here saw "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.

anyone been in that kind of situation where you've been really close once, go through a real hard break up and eventually run into each other years later and be total strangers? it's a strange feeling :blink:
 
b unit said:
Who here saw "The Break Up" with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.

anyone been in that kind of situation where you've been really close once, go through a real hard break up and eventually run into each other years later and be total strangers? it's a strange feeling :blink:
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He broke your heart?:stick:
 
Hurleyboy05 said:
You make some very good points, and while I agree with most of them, I haven't once said (to her, nor anyone else) that it wasn't my fault for our problems. She may have been perfectly correct in all of her actions during our relationship, but that doesn't mean that when I think about her that it makes me feel good. Lots of people (wrong or right) don't enjoy all of their memories. My relationship with her, and all that it involved, just doesn't make me happy when I think about it.

And for the whole marriage issue, it actually was a very strong thought in both of our minds. We had been really good friends for four years before we even started dating seriously. I spent six years of my life with her, and while we were not officially dating for all six years, it was something very similar to a marriage. Lots of give and take. Something I thought could eventually turn into a permanent relationship, i.e. marriage. And while I now agree that I am still young, and probably not ready to be that serious, at the time I was at a much different, much more understanding and accepting point in my life, ready to give all 100%. And thinking back to that point in my life, compared to right now, just isn't one of my "happier" memories
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I am sorry that things turned the way they did for you. Your ability to recognize your role in the relationship, for better or worse, is quite mature. Most males at any age are too proud or too insecure to consider looking at themselves. You are wise in doing so. Don't think for a second I have not failed miserably at your age and mine. I wish you well.
 
B5150 said:
I am sorry that things turned the way they did for you. Your ability to recognize your role in the relationship, for better or worse, is quite mature. Most males at any age are too proud or too insecure to consider looking at themselves. You are wise in doing so. Don't think for a second I have not failed miserably at your age and mine. I wish you well.
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I appreciate it. I'm just glad to be where I am now. If I were still in a relationship I don't think I would be so into working out/staying healthy. When I was with her, I got to that place where you get too comfortable because you're already with someone, and you kinda forget about trying to look good, or take extra care to stay healthy/fit. Now I gotta keep up with myself, and I really quite enjoy it. Plus, this is the first time I've put 100% into me, instead of someone else. Maybe I should thank her for that!
 
B5150 said:
I am sorry that things turned the way they did for you. Your ability to recognize your role in the relationship, for better or worse, is quite mature. Most males at any age are too proud or too insecure to consider looking at themselves. You are wise in doing so. Don't think for a second I have not failed miserably at your age and mine. I wish you well.
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wise words B

i agree, pride is a killer dude and can really cloud one's judgement and perspective, i been there, i done that!

accountablity and admitting one's fault can be a huge weight of one's shoulders and has the potential to make you that much stronger, it's way to easy to blame everyone else and not take a real good look at yourself IMHO

cheers
 
b unit said:
couldn't help it, i've lived in australia a number of times and i never heard of "hole friends" so i just had to ask.

I thought it may have been an australian phrase to explain "f*ck buddies" :lol:
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Nope, just meant to say we'l see how the "friends" situation will pan out.

Where'd you live in Oz? Go the might Panthers!
 
B5150 said:
But lets consider that that I was divorced at 28 and that it took the maturity of some foresight to employ the proper behaviors to allow this to be what it is at 42. These things began to take place long before my current wife came into the picture. Actually my ex and I grew each other into the security that we have by instilling in each other the unconditional (to the best of our abilities at the time) acceptance and affirmation of each others roles as co parents. We were free to love each other as who we were as individuals without the restraints of a dysfunctional immature marriage. But yes that one factor was children. But far far too many divorces w/kids usually end differently. We aspired to be unusual.

The moral to my story is that you have to act out now what you want to be in the future. Being mature now potentiates the future fruits of maturity when you are matured.

Fake it 'til you make it :)
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Most definitely insightful. I would still interject the same point, however.

I believe all individuals have unrealized potential to be caring, secure, mature, and mindful of others; the fact one has not realized it as of yet does not characterize them as 'bad', or conversely if another has, it does not characterize them as 'good', merely in separate stages of realizing that potential. Most would call that 'maturity', I believe.

As such, I have to give my current girlfriend time and space to realize her potential to accept others, including my ex's. She has begun to see the complete lack of sexual or romantic interest I have in my exes, which is progress. While she's not quite at the stage of either your former or current partner, I have faith she'll reach it one day.

So, I suppose, I'll take your advice and fake it 'till we make it.

;)
 
freqfly said:
Absolutely positutely hell no. If you had a true emotional connection with them, it never works out to be "just friends" IMO
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I agree here, theres a few slight cases where you could have a lot of feelings as did the other person and for the most part you basicaly "dated" but never became that bf and gf and still after things are done be mutual friends. But most of the time under ordinary circumstances no its not gonna happen.
 
With 2 weeks left in the semester,a paper and a final, I decided to take a break and come and post!!!

Ummm friends with ex's, this last one, no, he owes me money (I know big mistake,but i am a trusting person, and when he said I will pay you back in 2 weeks, that was almost a year ago).........But other ex's yes, I always start out as friends, althought we are not close friends, we do talk from time to time.......

TC
 
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