Smont
Legend
Me too. Still not out the woods but were looking good so far. Hes very energized and like 75% his usual selfGlad the little guy is alright….my wife and I are big animal lovers too, and have paid some pretty crazy vet bills ourselves.
Another log (prioritizing strength)
- Thread starter Smont
- Start date
Smont
Legend
Heres some updates, first the important stuff. my bud trimmer has arived. Hopefully i can get everything done this weekend and il have Christmas presents for some parties interested.
This is a older pic but im trimming this stuff now
Training- im training guys and im working out in bits and pieces. Example.....
The other day i go in at 6am with my guy for his pull workout. i did weifhted chins 5x5, deadlift 5x5, walking lunges superset db curls 20 steps/10 curls, repeat twice. After work i did some shoulders rehab/prehab and i hit the bag for 5 rounds.
Next day i only got a incline bench for 3x3, back off set×15, dropset×15. After work i did my shoulder stuff and 5 sets of db flys, some plyo push ups and 5 rounds on the bag. Today nothing in the morning and tonight im gonna work on some clean and press, box squat heavy bag and friday or Saturday il do arms.
Theres no plan other then stay fit and not get fat. I also just did another diet overhaul and im cutting calories.
Im going to start a log for some new product reviews soon if anyone is intrested il post a link.
Im gonna keep this thread open till im done sending out Christmas gifts.
Any suggestions for products to review?
Mots c i started yesterday and i have goodies on the way.
Currently i dropped to test 300mg/week and im cruising on that through the winter
This is a older pic but im trimming this stuff now
Training- im training guys and im working out in bits and pieces. Example.....
The other day i go in at 6am with my guy for his pull workout. i did weifhted chins 5x5, deadlift 5x5, walking lunges superset db curls 20 steps/10 curls, repeat twice. After work i did some shoulders rehab/prehab and i hit the bag for 5 rounds.
Next day i only got a incline bench for 3x3, back off set×15, dropset×15. After work i did my shoulder stuff and 5 sets of db flys, some plyo push ups and 5 rounds on the bag. Today nothing in the morning and tonight im gonna work on some clean and press, box squat heavy bag and friday or Saturday il do arms.
Theres no plan other then stay fit and not get fat. I also just did another diet overhaul and im cutting calories.
Im going to start a log for some new product reviews soon if anyone is intrested il post a link.
Im gonna keep this thread open till im done sending out Christmas gifts.
Any suggestions for products to review?
Mots c i started yesterday and i have goodies on the way.
Currently i dropped to test 300mg/week and im cruising on that through the winter
MrKleen73
Legend
Sounds like you are enjoying your training and that is awesome. Sometimes it is really nice to just go in and do what you feel like based on what all you have done recently and only that being your guide. Just what you want to train, and no pressure, just enjoyment. I am kind of longing for that but the last two sessions back following something specific and I am enjoying the structure again. So going to ride this wave for a bit.
Man that thing sure cleaned that bud up nicely, you going to use all the trimmings and shake for edibles? I would love to make some homemade edibles again sometime soon, but it takes so much bud if you don't have a situation like you have there where you have the "junk weed" from the harvest, cleaning, and curing.
The last batch of edibles I made were pretty ridiculous. We had one of those bag vapes, and were saving all of the vaped weed to make edibles because there is often a good 30% of the THC left in flower when you vape it. I had a gallon ziploc bag of the stuff and put it all in a slow cooker with coconut oil for like 12 hours on low. Then made a few batches of lemon cookies, and saved some of it for dipping bread, seasoned it up with garlic, salt, pepper, italian seasoning, and would put it on toast, or just go in and grab a little oil off the top and eat it directly. That stuff was pretty silly judging by how it felt I would say about 100-150mg a cookie and we had like 25, had to freeze some of them for later. LMAO. One time while her Mother was visiting she asked us about it because she used to smoke, so we let her have a little of the seasoned oil on a piece of toast. OMG, she had a blast, ended up going to her room and putting on one of her favorite concerts and singing at the top of her lungs the rest of the night. Telling us how much fun she was having, and of course asking for snacks!!! LMFAO.
Man that thing sure cleaned that bud up nicely, you going to use all the trimmings and shake for edibles? I would love to make some homemade edibles again sometime soon, but it takes so much bud if you don't have a situation like you have there where you have the "junk weed" from the harvest, cleaning, and curing.
The last batch of edibles I made were pretty ridiculous. We had one of those bag vapes, and were saving all of the vaped weed to make edibles because there is often a good 30% of the THC left in flower when you vape it. I had a gallon ziploc bag of the stuff and put it all in a slow cooker with coconut oil for like 12 hours on low. Then made a few batches of lemon cookies, and saved some of it for dipping bread, seasoned it up with garlic, salt, pepper, italian seasoning, and would put it on toast, or just go in and grab a little oil off the top and eat it directly. That stuff was pretty silly judging by how it felt I would say about 100-150mg a cookie and we had like 25, had to freeze some of them for later. LMAO. One time while her Mother was visiting she asked us about it because she used to smoke, so we let her have a little of the seasoned oil on a piece of toast. OMG, she had a blast, ended up going to her room and putting on one of her favorite concerts and singing at the top of her lungs the rest of the night. Telling us how much fun she was having, and of course asking for snacks!!! LMFAO.
gphagan1
Legend
Man that bud is looking great….that trimmer does the trick, gives your bud that clean dispensary look. I bet it smells great when it’s trimming.
As far as products to review, I know Mike has that new L-Carnitine ATP-Nitro kit with two vials that sounds great. Looks like next level Carnitine injectable.
As far as products to review, I know Mike has that new L-Carnitine ATP-Nitro kit with two vials that sounds great. Looks like next level Carnitine injectable.
Smont
Legend
I feel like recently I've been mentioning feeling down and how seasonal depression really hits me this time of year. If anyone really starts to feel down you gotta tell someone, you gotta talk to someone. Whatever is wrong in your life is fixable. Everything blows over, nothing is permanent except for death.
Today I lost a brother, he left a note and we found him, and it's too late. He's always been hot and cold where he's the life of the party or hates everything and it always was just who he is I thought.
I'm not crying right now, i did, and I stopped and I cried again and I stopped but it doesn't feel real yet. Like I'm gonna see him later tonight. He's gonna tell me a joke and tell me how awesome I'm doing cus he was proud I pulled my life together when I did. My nephew comes home from college tonight, who tells him. I'm picking my daughter up from the bus trip home from college in a few hours, who tells her. Who tells pop his son is gone. I can't, I gotta vent here cus it's easier dumping your problems off on people who don't really know you. At least it won't upset them.
Pay attention to your friends and family and don't let them slip through the cracks.
I love you juice
but why you do it
Today I lost a brother, he left a note and we found him, and it's too late. He's always been hot and cold where he's the life of the party or hates everything and it always was just who he is I thought.
I'm not crying right now, i did, and I stopped and I cried again and I stopped but it doesn't feel real yet. Like I'm gonna see him later tonight. He's gonna tell me a joke and tell me how awesome I'm doing cus he was proud I pulled my life together when I did. My nephew comes home from college tonight, who tells him. I'm picking my daughter up from the bus trip home from college in a few hours, who tells her. Who tells pop his son is gone. I can't, I gotta vent here cus it's easier dumping your problems off on people who don't really know you. At least it won't upset them.
Pay attention to your friends and family and don't let them slip through the cracks.
I love you juice
but why you do it
WickedWarlock
Member
That really sucks brother. Very sorry for your loss. Indeed nothing is permanent except death. Also sometimes it’s the friends you would never guess or suspect that are the saddest. Rough times all around. Sending prayersI feel like recently I've been mentioning feeling down and how seasonal depression really hits me this time of year. If anyone really starts to feel down you gotta tell someone, you gotta talk to someone. Whatever is wrong in your life is fixable. Everything blows over, nothing is permanent except for death.
Today I lost a brother, he left a note and we found him, and it's too late. He's always been hot and cold where he's the life of the party or hates everything and it always was just who he is I thought.
I'm not crying right now, i did, and I stopped and I cried again and I stopped but it doesn't feel real yet. Like I'm gonna see him later tonight. He's gonna tell me a joke and tell me how awesome I'm doing cus he was proud I pulled my life together when I did. My nephew comes home from college tonight, who tells him. I'm picking my daughter up from the bus trip home from college in a few hours, who tells her. Who tells pop his son is gone. I can't, I gotta vent here cus it's easier dumping your problems off on people who don't really know you. At least it won't upset them.
Pay attention to your friends and family and don't let them slip through the cracks.
I love you juice
Hyde
Legend
It has to be you. If not you, then who? You’re at the stage of your life where you wear the crown for your family - and that’s a heavy burden. It doesn’t matter that your heart is broken, and it’s okay to cry. But you have to carry on for them. To be there with the people you love and share their hurt, this sadness. You don’t have to play tough, only honest & loving. It’s important to grieve, and they need to be enabled to begin that process too, like you have.I feel like recently I've been mentioning feeling down and how seasonal depression really hits me this time of year. If anyone really starts to feel down you gotta tell someone, you gotta talk to someone. Whatever is wrong in your life is fixable. Everything blows over, nothing is permanent except for death.
Today I lost a brother, he left a note and we found him, and it's too late. He's always been hot and cold where he's the life of the party or hates everything and it always was just who he is I thought.
I'm not crying right now, i did, and I stopped and I cried again and I stopped but it doesn't feel real yet. Like I'm gonna see him later tonight. He's gonna tell me a joke and tell me how awesome I'm doing cus he was proud I pulled my life together when I did. My nephew comes home from college tonight, who tells him. I'm picking my daughter up from the bus trip home from college in a few hours, who tells her. Who tells pop his son is gone. I can't, I gotta vent here cus it's easier dumping your problems off on people who don't really know you. At least it won't upset them.
Pay attention to your friends and family and don't let them slip through the cracks.
I love you juice
I’m really sorry to hear this happened Smont; I wish your family peace in your time of mourning. It’s going to get harder before it gets easier. Don’t hurt yourself in the gym. You might think that sounds insensitive, but this is an important reminder that you matter to your family still & your recovery is going to be compromised from stress for awhile, and you may want to destroy yourself in your favorite outlet. Stick to cardio or things that won’t risk your joints if you need to expend yourself eventually when you move into anger.
Renew1
Legend
I'm very sorry this happened, brother.
I lost my little sister like this. She always had so much. ... More than anyone else in my family. It isn't what we have, or don't have ... It's our current perception and reaction to our own reality.
My best friend recently blew his whole life apart, and another good friend recently made terrible choices.
They aren't gone (yet, and hopefully won't be), but they had things going on on their hearts and minds that led them to their terrible choices .... And now their reality Really is worse, so I'm reaching out to them the best ways that I know how, hoping that they'll start doing well again, instead of possibly making that ultimate, final, Worst decision.
If you ever need to talk privately, please feel free to reach out to me via PMs.
I'm always here for anyone.
I lost my little sister like this. She always had so much. ... More than anyone else in my family. It isn't what we have, or don't have ... It's our current perception and reaction to our own reality.
My best friend recently blew his whole life apart, and another good friend recently made terrible choices.
They aren't gone (yet, and hopefully won't be), but they had things going on on their hearts and minds that led them to their terrible choices .... And now their reality Really is worse, so I'm reaching out to them the best ways that I know how, hoping that they'll start doing well again, instead of possibly making that ultimate, final, Worst decision.
If you ever need to talk privately, please feel free to reach out to me via PMs.
I'm always here for anyone.
PolishHamm3r77
Well-known member
Brother, I am Sorry. A bit misty at the moment. I have been in your shoes. Just know that you were the best to him you could have been. My wife beats herself upI feel like recently I've been mentioning feeling down and how seasonal depression really hits me this time of year. If anyone really starts to feel down you gotta tell someone, you gotta talk to someone. Whatever is wrong in your life is fixable. Everything blows over, nothing is permanent except for death.
Today I lost a brother, he left a note and we found him, and it's too late. He's always been hot and cold where he's the life of the party or hates everything and it always was just who he is I thought.
I'm not crying right now, i did, and I stopped and I cried again and I stopped but it doesn't feel real yet. Like I'm gonna see him later tonight. He's gonna tell me a joke and tell me how awesome I'm doing cus he was proud I pulled my life together when I did. My nephew comes home from college tonight, who tells him. I'm picking my daughter up from the bus trip home from college in a few hours, who tells her. Who tells pop his son is gone. I can't, I gotta vent here cus it's easier dumping your problems off on people who don't really know you. At least it won't upset them.
Pay attention to your friends and family and don't let them slip through the cracks.
I love you juice
over her sisters suicide/overdose on Christmas Eve. Some people can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and whatever the darkness, it hurts to the point that they are willing to do anything to make the pain stop. We should all hug our loved ones a little tighter tonight.
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gphagan1
Legend
I’m so sorry for your loss brother….. I lost a brother to suicide years ago, and I feel your pain. And I truly understand how it feels surreal and doesn’t make sense. As you grieve with your Father and family just let it out and embrace each other and hopefully you and your family can find peace and comfort being with each other. If you just need to talk or get stuff off your chest you’re more than welcome to DM me or post it here. Your brothers here on AM are here for you.
sammpedd88
Well-known member
First off, to @Smont….i can’t imagine what you’re feeling but I’ve seen my fair share of suicides on the investigative end and there’s nothing more tragic to a family. You want answers, you want closure, you wonder what more you could have done, the sad part is there’s nothing you could have done. We will never know the dark places our loves ones are in, mentally. To echo the others above, you take care of yourself and be there for your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
To the others that have lost friends and family to suicide and overdoses….my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you as well.
To the others that have lost friends and family to suicide and overdoses….my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you as well.
Segansational
Well-known member
MrKleen73
Legend
@Smont Feeling for you Brother, I have dealt with suicide from both ends. I know the misery and helplessness that leads to that decision, and luckily lived to learn the damage and pain it would have caused my family and friends. So I have the emotional reactions of my family and friends as well as a long scar going up my wrist to remind me to never allow myself to get there again.
If it helps once someone truly hits that level of despair I don't know that there is anything that can bring them back outside of physical interruption. I had my closest friends there in the house actively trying to be there for me and I locked myself in a bathroom turned on the shower slit my wrist and sat down under the hot water. One of my friends realized had disappeared, found the bathroom door locked and kept knocking but I wasn't responding. So he kicked the door down and saved my life. I was half passed out and out of it when he busted the door down. No doubt he saved my life, and I was so angry at him in the moment.
I remember talking with family and friends after and my mom really letting me have it. We were coming up on my birthday which would be the 1 year anniversary of my brother being killed at my birthday party, and i just melted down. No real signs of depression, then got drunk and lost it one night.
I still remember my mother asking me how could I do that to her, that her son was murdered last year and now I was trying to kill the only son she had left. She was so broken... just from knowing she had almost lost me too. It was a very awakening thing to see my mother in that much pain, especially since I lived. Knowing I was the cause of her suffering was excruciating for me. That one moment made me realize that even though I felt hopeless, trying to commit suicide was the most selfish thing I had ever done. The people who would have been left behind would have been my final victims, and may have never fully recovered. Thank goodness I had that awakening, now when it gets bad or those thoughts start to creep in I pay attention and seek out help. Sometimes I will just let my wife know the darkness is back, and I just need her to hold me and make me feel okay for a while. if it gets too bad I will see a therapist. Luckily those moments get farther and farther apart.
Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I just wanted you to know from the point of view of someone who has attempted suicide, that there really isn't anything you could have done. If you were there for him and showed him love and affection you did everything you could have done and brought him more joy than I am sure you can imagine just being his friend. That level of hopelessness hits hard, and hits fast, sometimes out of nowhere, and it encompasses everything suddenly. So don't beat yourself up, you being a good friend is the best thig you could have done for him and that is what you did.
If it helps once someone truly hits that level of despair I don't know that there is anything that can bring them back outside of physical interruption. I had my closest friends there in the house actively trying to be there for me and I locked myself in a bathroom turned on the shower slit my wrist and sat down under the hot water. One of my friends realized had disappeared, found the bathroom door locked and kept knocking but I wasn't responding. So he kicked the door down and saved my life. I was half passed out and out of it when he busted the door down. No doubt he saved my life, and I was so angry at him in the moment.
I remember talking with family and friends after and my mom really letting me have it. We were coming up on my birthday which would be the 1 year anniversary of my brother being killed at my birthday party, and i just melted down. No real signs of depression, then got drunk and lost it one night.
I still remember my mother asking me how could I do that to her, that her son was murdered last year and now I was trying to kill the only son she had left. She was so broken... just from knowing she had almost lost me too. It was a very awakening thing to see my mother in that much pain, especially since I lived. Knowing I was the cause of her suffering was excruciating for me. That one moment made me realize that even though I felt hopeless, trying to commit suicide was the most selfish thing I had ever done. The people who would have been left behind would have been my final victims, and may have never fully recovered. Thank goodness I had that awakening, now when it gets bad or those thoughts start to creep in I pay attention and seek out help. Sometimes I will just let my wife know the darkness is back, and I just need her to hold me and make me feel okay for a while. if it gets too bad I will see a therapist. Luckily those moments get farther and farther apart.
Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I just wanted you to know from the point of view of someone who has attempted suicide, that there really isn't anything you could have done. If you were there for him and showed him love and affection you did everything you could have done and brought him more joy than I am sure you can imagine just being his friend. That level of hopelessness hits hard, and hits fast, sometimes out of nowhere, and it encompasses everything suddenly. So don't beat yourself up, you being a good friend is the best thig you could have done for him and that is what you did.
Hyde
Legend
Powerful stuff; thank you for sharing your experience!
gphagan1
Legend
This really is a powerful post, and so glad your friend was there to save you. Thank you for sharing…..a lot of people need to see your story and how seeing your Mother and family was affected, and that your love for them helped you choose life. I know that had to be a hard post, but again thanks. That really puts things in perspective.
PolishHamm3r77
Well-known member
very powerful. Past 24hrs of this thread have had me quite emotional. I applaud you for being able to share your experience. I myself cannot find a way to articulate my past scenario. That last sentence was the closest I’ve been. Story for another time I guess…
To echo your point, no one knows what the darkness feels like unless you have been there. And it feels like there is NOTHING ANYONE CAN SAY OR DO to take the pain away, thus leaving you to your own devices. I’m glad to see that you made it to the other side. Thank you for sharing
Smont
Legend
Thank you guys, especially you @MrKleen73, i keep trying to figure it out but i know i cant step in the shoes and im sorry you have. And im glad your still here.
About a hour after I made the post, my sister was outside my house and the paramedics said he's alive, he was still breathing a little. The bullet went out his neck and missed his brain. I had like 45min of hope and then they basically said they could keep him alive long enough for my sister and nephew to get there last goodbye and around 630 it was official.
Juice (Justin) was my brother, technically he was my brother in-law. But he's been here since I was about 5 years old. He played baseball for my father in little league, he moved in with family friends in high school so he didn't have to leave when his father decided to move away. In his 20's he married my sister and they had my nephew. My sister and him divorced but it wasn't bad, no court drag out, no child support, 50/50 down the middle and juice never skipped a family gathering after either. He's picked me up from the police station, he's brought me to the emergency room, he's loned me money when I was a drunk bum and he was my biggest fan when I pulled my **** back together.
A few years back he had a spine injury and surgery after surgery wasn't working. He lost a ton of weight, 280 to 220 @ like 6'2-6'3 to help himself be more mobile and get around in less pain but his back and neck were getting worse. His letter basically said he can't deal with the pain, can't keep doing the surgeries and the thought of being disabled and him not being able to work made him feel like he's useless. Can't support anyone or himself. He knows we all would have taken care of him and that might have made it even harder. Looking back, the signs where there. Everyone keeps acting shocked but we should have seen it, or even if we couldn't see it, it should be clear Looking back. This one stings bad and I just gotta keep on trucking or it's gonna eat me up.
About a hour after I made the post, my sister was outside my house and the paramedics said he's alive, he was still breathing a little. The bullet went out his neck and missed his brain. I had like 45min of hope and then they basically said they could keep him alive long enough for my sister and nephew to get there last goodbye and around 630 it was official.
Juice (Justin) was my brother, technically he was my brother in-law. But he's been here since I was about 5 years old. He played baseball for my father in little league, he moved in with family friends in high school so he didn't have to leave when his father decided to move away. In his 20's he married my sister and they had my nephew. My sister and him divorced but it wasn't bad, no court drag out, no child support, 50/50 down the middle and juice never skipped a family gathering after either. He's picked me up from the police station, he's brought me to the emergency room, he's loned me money when I was a drunk bum and he was my biggest fan when I pulled my **** back together.
A few years back he had a spine injury and surgery after surgery wasn't working. He lost a ton of weight, 280 to 220 @ like 6'2-6'3 to help himself be more mobile and get around in less pain but his back and neck were getting worse. His letter basically said he can't deal with the pain, can't keep doing the surgeries and the thought of being disabled and him not being able to work made him feel like he's useless. Can't support anyone or himself. He knows we all would have taken care of him and that might have made it even harder. Looking back, the signs where there. Everyone keeps acting shocked but we should have seen it, or even if we couldn't see it, it should be clear Looking back. This one stings bad and I just gotta keep on trucking or it's gonna eat me up.
Hyde
Legend
Bro, the signs are there most of the time, once you have the benefit of after the fact - but you really can’t know ahead of time, short of having failed a prior attempt. Because the signs you now realize were things that healthy people shrug off. Life can be hard in different ways for most people very often, and the rational answer is never kill yourself. So we don’t see these little cracks in the glass as warnings that someone is going to smash the whole vase - we just think they’re working on glueing them as they can like we would.
gphagan1
Legend
Sometimes we never know the pain others are going through, whether mental, emotional, or physical, and how that pain affects their lives. And we never know the threshold of when they feel they can’t take it anymore. Whenever we hear that inner voice or urge to reach out and help others, whether through giving money, an encouraging word, the giving of our time, or maybe just a hot meal, we may never know how much that will bless them and we will always be blessed when we give.
He sounded like that kind of man, that cared for and gave to others and those he loved. Again Smont so sorry for your loss, but glad your sister and nephew got to say goodbye.
You and your family is in my thoughts and prayers brother.
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MrKleen73
Legend
Thanks!
Thanks! It is a hard post but something I feel is important for people to know sometimes. Of course their is a sting of shame in telling it. However in the end it is a story of learning and growth rather than tragedy. Sometimes a situation or moment will come up where I feel like it is worth sharing if it can help someone, or give perspective.
For me it was also an overwhelming feeling not only of hopelessness, but that I was the source of problems for many people and they would all be better off without me. Unfortunately I have been on that ride more than once. I was broken pretty early, I think I was 9-10 the first time I attempted, it was back when they had the big scare about the tylenol bottles poisoned with cyanide. I got all upset about something and ate a half a bottle of tylenol thinking that would be the end of me. Thank goodness I just got sick. I didn't attempt again until the time I discussed but I would literally fantasize about how I would do it all the time. Always thinking I was the source of problems in everyones life because i couldn't control my behavior due to the ADHD. So I would want to punish myself, and make sure noone else had to deal with me since I thought I only brought bad things to peoples lives. Luckily, I managed the next several years limited to self harming, rather than self-deleting. My Mom and StepDad kicked me out in the summer of 1987 so I came to live with my Dad. He saved me from myself. After about 8 months of me being here I was slipping into my old ways, made some friends I shouldn't have made and ended up expelled for throwing a desk at a teacher. It was then I melted down in the office of school and begged for help. I told them I couldn't stop myself ansd didn't want to live like that anymore. My Dad put me in an psychiatric / emotional hospital, and i lived there for 4.5 months which I can honestly say now saved my life.very powerful. Past 24hrs of this thread have had me quite emotional. I applaud you for being able to share your experience. I myself cannot find a way to articulate my past scenario. That last sentence was the closest I’ve been. Story for another time I guess…
To echo your point, no one knows what the darkness feels like unless you have been there. And it feels like there is NOTHING ANYONE CAN SAY OR DO to take the pain away, thus leaving you to your own devices. I’m glad to see that you made it to the other side. Thank you for sharing
I feel for you brother, nothing like losing someone that close, who was a mentor, friend, family and loved one.
I can understand his desire not to be a burden on anyone and how thinking this would remove the burden he thought he was causing. That is the thing I think a lot of people with suicidal tendencies think that people will somehow be better off without them. That suicide is not just a removal from the pain, but a kindness to those you believe you affect negatively. Obviously we all know that not to be true, but it feels like reality in that moment. I can't tell you how many times I thought the world, and my loved ones would simply just be better off without me.
Keep your head up, stay busy if you need to, and try to think of the good times you were blessed to have with him. I wish you and your family peace in your time of mourning.
Dustin07
Legend
I don't even have the words man, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I can only imagine what you guys are going through, just reading your post hits hard.
You can't do that, men choose this path 4x more often than women. it's just fuckin hard out there, even when the weight of the world isn't actually on our shoulders, it feels like it is. it's wired into us. Sometimes it's like you're just treading water trying to keep your head above water, how on earth can you save the world around you when you're still trying to stay alive yourself? We definitely want to pour love and optimism and life into everyone around us but I keep thinking of the airplane pre flight telling us to put that oxygen mask on ourselves before helping others. we don't save anyone if we die trying to save someone.
I'm so sorry @Smont for your loss, and @MrKleen73 I really appreciate your candid sharing. It's all just such a jarring reminder of the value of life.
Smont
Legend
I know, I can't stop thinking about it tho. My nephew went through juices journals that we didn't even know he had and time Flys. The accident that hurt him was way further back then I remember and he's been preparing for this for at least 4 years. His room was full of prescription meds. Multiple pain meds and depression meds, stuff I've never heard of. Like 16 medications. He was probably completely detached from reality. I hope after the funeral I can stop cus I'm driving myself crazy and probably driving everyone around me crazy. Life has to go on and I need to snap outta it cus I'm not helping anyone or anything
Dustin07
Legend
I don't know **** about emotions, mental health, or therapy but last month we hit the 1 year since my wifes cancer diagnosis and she and I both had some break downs. She put together a little cancer walk in our town and dozens of people showed up, some were survivors, others supporters, but the whole experience knocked the wind out of my wife and I because it made everything we'd gone through in 2023-2024 come back up like painful vomit. all the things we experienced last year during her tests and surgeries but I guess we never "addresed"(??). Again, I really don't understand emotions, but I know Oct 2024 was in many ways harder for us than Oct 2023 - 2024. We were on edge, tense, we actually argued at one point which is rare for us, and highly emotional.
And that was just from cancer, that she's now clear of.... but it shook the **** out of us apparently and I think it's something that will come back to weigh on us over and over. It honestly hits my heart like when I think of the night my grandpa passed away from time to time.
Only reason I bring that up is because your loss is even more traumatic and severe. If our experience is what I think it is, then I hope you can really let yourself heal and feel the grief. It may actually be right to find a counsellor at least short term to help you sort it out cause like I said, I don't get emotions at all. I have 2 1/2 that I undestand. Angry, horny, happy. the rest like like a sack of bricks upside the head to me.
Hyde
Legend
The funeral will help put a bit more reality to it, not immediately but sooner than if not - funerals are for us living.
When my friend killed himself, he had been taking antidepressants and decided he felt great so he wanted to stop taking them before his wedding. But he didn’t follow the doctor’s plan to slowly taper - he felt great so he just cold turkey quit them, as it turns out. Didn’t take long after that for him to commit suicide. His diary entries reflect how dissociated he became after he suddenly stopped them.
MrKleen73
Legend
I agree the funeral should help with a little closure. Also try to remember you need to grieve too, not just be strong for others. There is strength in going through emotions with someone rather than holding back to be there for them. Some may see you allowing yourself to feel as permission to let themselves fully grieve.
gphagan1
Legend
I know how tough it is….the funeral will help to start the journey of bringing closure, but you being able to go through the healing process for yourself takes time. Getting things off your chest and talking about it helps, whether here on the forum or with talking with friends or family, and being able to have the outlet of the gym will help. Especially beating on the heavy bag. But being able to get it out really does help.
I’ll go ahead and share my brother’s story. He took his life in April of 1998, after a bitter divorce. He was living in Naples Florida and had a great business making six figures a year, seemed like he had it all, and then his wife left him. He started down a dark place with drinking and meth, but none of us ever knew (there were 9 of us, 5 boys and 4 girls) because he was so good at holding things in and acting normal. Then in April 1998 friends found him in his garage, car running, with a hose run through the window, he was 44 years old. It almost destroyed me, because he was one of my older brothers who I had always looked up to. The funeral does help some, for me gym helped a lot. Working out, being around friends, and I would wear out some heavy bags (for me this was one of my best outlets), and I had quite a few crying times, but in the end it all helped. And my wife was awesome through it all. No one really can say the pain will go away, but it does get better. Even now 26 years later I’m crying as I write this, but I have been able to help others out of my pain, and that helps bring healing.
So brother just keep letting it out, and use your workouts as a safe, healthy outlet. And enjoy your family…a tragedy always seems to help us to appreciate those we love and draw us closer.
SkRaw85
Legend
I know how tough it is….the funeral will help to start the journey of bringing closure, but you being able to go through the healing process for yourself takes time. Getting things off your chest and talking about it helps, whether here on the forum or with talking with friends or family, and being able to have the outlet of the gym will help. Especially beating on the heavy bag. But being able to get it out really does help.
I’ll go ahead and share my brother’s story. He took his life in April of 1998, after a bitter divorce. He was living in Naples Florida and had a great business making six figures a year, seemed like he had it all, and then his wife left him. He started down a dark place with drinking and meth, but none of us ever knew (there were 9 of us, 5 boys and 4 girls) because he was so good at holding things in and acting normal. Then in April 1998 friends found him in his garage, car running, with a hose run through the window, he was 44 years old. It almost destroyed me, because he was one of my older brothers who I had always looked up to. The funeral does help some, for me gym helped a lot. Working out, being around friends, and I would wear out some heavy bags (for me this was one of my best outlets), and I had quite a few crying times, but in the end it all helped. And my wife was awesome through it all. No one really can say the pain will go away, but it does get better. Even now 26 years later I’m crying as I write this, but I have been able to help others out of my pain, and that helps bring healing.
So brother just keep letting it out, and use your workouts as a safe, healthy outlet. And enjoy your family…a tragedy always seems to help us to appreciate those we love and draw us closer.
It’s surreal how people can be holding so much pain beneath the surface and still maintain a false front that even their family is fooled. That’s heavy GP, can’t imagine losing a brother like that.
WickedWarlock
Member
Masks are easy unfortunately
Dustin07
Legend
its much easier than asking for help, especially when as a man, you're not sure the thing you need help with is even valid. There is a reason why the majority of homelessness, drug addiction, self harm, etc is on the male side of things. life is really fuckin' hard.
WickedWarlock
Member
For sure. Can’t even begin to count how many times I heard “just get over it” from people (acquaintances and “friends”).
Smont
Legend
Sorry boss, thank you for sharing tho. I get wrapped up in myself at times and forget that everyone has loses. We had the wake last night and the funeral this morning. I'm not very religious at all, but I actually grew up Going to private catholic school until 5th grade and I have spent a lot of time in church, like clockwork I find myself saying the responcs drilled into my head from childhood. Juice was very religious, that's why suicide is so hard to accept I think. The priest was a little choked up himself. Juice went to church 2-3x a week to light candles for his family or friends, i didn't know that. In his lowest times he was worried about us. The priest told us that. He told a few jokes that Juice told him and he was visibly sad himself. I got a lot of hugs from old lady's and ppl I only know in passing, I don't hide sadness well when it comes to death i guess. I'm not over it and I may never be, every holiday, every event, everything my family did, he was there. The seasonal blues won't bother me anymore, this memory will take its place and I'm OK with that. I don't wanna forget, I just wanna be comfortable with it. Juices favorite saying was from the bronxtail, nothing worse then wasted talent. So il just keep that close as another reason to make myself better.I know how tough it is….the funeral will help to start the journey of bringing closure, but you being able to go through the healing process for yourself takes time. Getting things off your chest and talking about it helps, whether here on the forum or with talking with friends or family, and being able to have the outlet of the gym will help. Especially beating on the heavy bag. But being able to get it out really does help.
I’ll go ahead and share my brother’s story. He took his life in April of 1998, after a bitter divorce. He was living in Naples Florida and had a great business making six figures a year, seemed like he had it all, and then his wife left him. He started down a dark place with drinking and meth, but none of us ever knew (there were 9 of us, 5 boys and 4 girls) because he was so good at holding things in and acting normal. Then in April 1998 friends found him in his garage, car running, with a hose run through the window, he was 44 years old. It almost destroyed me, because he was one of my older brothers who I had always looked up to. The funeral does help some, for me gym helped a lot. Working out, being around friends, and I would wear out some heavy bags (for me this was one of my best outlets), and I had quite a few crying times, but in the end it all helped. And my wife was awesome through it all. No one really can say the pain will go away, but it does get better. Even now 26 years later I’m crying as I write this, but I have been able to help others out of my pain, and that helps bring healing.
So brother just keep letting it out, and use your workouts as a safe, healthy outlet. And enjoy your family…a tragedy always seems to help us to appreciate those we love and draw us closer.
Tomorrow I will try my best to start on the right foot, hit the gym and get my life back on track. I can't afford another week home crying anyways
gphagan1
Legend
Juice really sounds like he was a great guy, and touched and blessed a lot of lives.
It’s good to hear that you’re going to the gym, and trying to get back to your life, that’s one of the best things you can do. And I know it would please Juice to know that you are getting back to living your life and not letting your talents go to waste.
Smont
Legend
Il prob start a fresh thread for 2025 but anyone interested in my tinkering with verious peptides and products "for research purposes only" and not using them on humans 
.
I'm cleaning out, starting fresh and experimenting with the life quality stuff more then muscle builders but I want to eventually get into my cycle late February and run it for a solid 6-8MONTHS, given nothing goes south.
Currently working on research with MOTS-C and NAD + ALTERNATING EVERY 2 WEEKS, TB500 in larger doses and soon kispeptin 10 as I lower my 300 test back to 150 or less.
I'm also preparing for my cycle by dropping bf and weight as a whole
.I'm cleaning out, starting fresh and experimenting with the life quality stuff more then muscle builders but I want to eventually get into my cycle late February and run it for a solid 6-8MONTHS, given nothing goes south.
Currently working on research with MOTS-C and NAD + ALTERNATING EVERY 2 WEEKS, TB500 in larger doses and soon kispeptin 10 as I lower my 300 test back to 150 or less.
I'm also preparing for my cycle by dropping bf and weight as a whole
ReformedNerd
New member
Troponin Supplements carries one.
Smont
Legend
Thanks, I checked them out. It's 600 nac and 250 tudca so I would need 2 bottles per month, $80/month plus tax is a bit steep for this. It would be more cost effective to buy them seperate. Some of there other products did peak my interest.
Sometimes you can find good deals with the 2 for 1 combos. I use to get one that was like $20 and it gave you 1000 nac and 500 tudca per serving. Can't remember for the life of me what it was called tho
Hyde
Legend
That sounds like a scam product. Steve has talked a lot about all the fake TUDCA out there, even major companies not being aware they’re sold trash.
CEL TUDCA 250mgs and Swanson NAC gram capsules is the way to go.
Smont
Legend
It wasn't, it was fairly popular brand and I wanna say the company is one I had actually talked with Steve about. Thus is going back probably 4 years since I used it. But it was more recent I talked with Steve, il ask him if he has any clue what I'm talking bout. Il figure it out, I'm sure the price has gone up but my point Was to make a price comparison versus the other one costing eighty bucks a month. Even if it's up to forty now that might still be a good deal. I thought life ext had it but I'm either wrong or they stopped making that product which is doubtful. In the meantime il take your advice with cel and swanson