Hello,
I was once a prominent member of this forum years ago. I went offline a few years ago, but I'm back just today, to share with you as a friend.
I started using Pro-hormones at the age of 19, RPN Havoc specifically. Once the skinny guy in high school and soon became a well respected monster. That progressed into injectables, orals, and bodybuilding competitions. There was what appeared at the time to be considerable rewards. First, there was this every day desire and drive to succeed in the gym and gain. With AAS, came considerable motivation. Motivation to train, eat, focus, and become a dedicated machine to achieving goals. AAS allows the opportunity to become something that was otherwise only a dream, and to bring this to life we do no less then take full advantage of the opportunity. I dove into this forum, researching everything I could find. Spending countless hours on hormones; SHGB, test/bioavil/free, estradiol, prolactin, progesterone, lipids, etc you name it. I had eventually come up with a plan for success (summarizing here), one that was healthy, regular blood tests etc. and was able to transform in a matter of a few years. Everything changed; women, friends, jobs, etc...the dominance the became of the transformation opened doors never thought possible. I was hooked to this persona and even once I reached a nice cruising level I continued to recognize benefits in many aspects of life. Or so I thought.
Now, I don't want to go on for long as I'd like to keep this short and informative. After years of cycling, I'm here to share my conclusion of what all of this is for, its for nothing other than an identity. No matter how we try to spin it and justify our reasoning for using AAS, its deductible to absolutely no other reason but to enforce an identity. When we begin AAS, or even years into it, we may not notice this fact. At the beginning its a love affair with great emotions and energy as the weights go higher and the pumps are larger. Then the dedication increases, we start spending time reading, researching, obtaining, training, cooking, dieting, etc etc. ANY serious bodybuilder is going to know full well that the amount of dedication required to do what we do is dumbfounding. The sacrifice is great. Free time goofing around like the rest of the world becomes opportunity cost at what could be better gains. We become very conscious of our bodies, gain a sense of confidence that we can achieve what we imagine, and we push on. And in the process we are rewarded by inspiring others, motivating, helping people to live healthy lives.
Now, what I'm here today to post about is what is also becoming during this process. During this process, an identity is created. This is the new version of yourself. The self that now has achieved a new success. This new self makes new decisions, new choices, and a has a new outlook on the life and the meaning of life. A warrior is becoming.
Trust me when I say this, I do NOT believe steroids are inherently bad for you if utilized responsibly. Of all people, I'm one to push the limits. I like to go 200mph in everything that I do. I'm a believer in hard work and sacrifice. If you're going to do something, doing it with everything you've got. Make it special. Create and command the universe. However, after many years and reflection, I just want express that steroids may not be bad for our health if properly administered, but they can and will affect your consciousness.
Many guys come in here asking about 'roid rage. Mood swings, sex drive etc. All of this stuff is less of a deal than people make it out to be. Side effects are just side effects, we expect them and we learn how to be smart (hopefully). But, apart from all of this, we never ask ourselves, what is the effect on our consciousness? Our being? Our identities? Think about it, when we're worried about our estrogen levels, or a SERM / AI taper during PCT, we're not concerned or even considering what may becoming of our consciousness, of our sense of self.
What are the consequences of the gains??
No one comes in here and reports how their sense of self has changed. What doors have opened in their lives. What doors have closed. Its ONLY about the steroids, the side effects, and the muscular results.
Today, it brings me a great deal of nostalgia and profound feeling of emptiness to share, that at the end of this game, there is no clear-cut reward. Many have failed to express, that with the reward of physique, fortitude, and discipline also comes great shackles.
I'm here, not to discourage, and not to criticize, but from friendship, to warn you. The further down the path you venture, the more defined the path becomes. If you choose to hike into this forest, it will be harder to find your way back. And I wish that you will not go so far as to forget where you came from.
I walked around at 200lbs, 5" 8", and 6% bodyfat year round. This used to make me (that created identity) feel confident and goal oriented to push for success in all aspects. But as I progressed, I began to notice that the gains aren't as profound. It now takes more, pushing harder, going beyond to reach that gratification. But as we go further, the costs increase. Maybe not physically, but mentally. I have now reached a point, where I've realized a every inch of my growth from the day I began, was nothing other than a game. I had convinced myself into believing these gains were rewards. And now, at the end of the day, I've used up all my rewards. In order to have more, we must eat even more food, push even more weight, take even more gear otherwise we feel as if we're not moving.
In otherwords, life had become a goal post that was always moving backwards. The closer you get to the goal the further back it moves. Until eventually, even the very best of us reach catastrophe for that extra mile. If you don't believe it just look at a guy like Andrea Munzer. It wasn't the steroids that killed him, it was the identity that he created that killed him.
Now obviously that's a physical catastrophe and very unlikely unless you are that level of obsession. But, I must warn you, the "alpha" male feeling that's talked about by steroids is real. And this "alpha" male mentality, of course can be adopted on your own with practice, but on Androgenic/DHT compounds it will quite literally come out of you. Many may never venture to doses to were it becomes self-realized, but take a gram of tren and you'll quickly see that your personality is not so much the same. This is then realized at all levels of usage.
Let me take you into the mind a bit.
Start out with 200mg of Testosterone Cypionate, with the according ancillaries, and most will notice a nice increase in sex drive, muscle mass, and confidence, sleep, less stress etc. Its like a damn good cup of coffee for every situation. Immunity to the environment and a nice reward of gains.
Move up to 400mg the next cycle, everything has returned the same, same sense of "well-being" as we like to call it, but now the sex drive is a little higher. Gains are a little more rapid. We don't realize it, but we may be more focused, flexing a little more in the mirror, paying a little more attention to the numbers and the scale and the calories. The stakes are higher push further.
Now move up to 2000mg and throw in dbol. Now everything has increased, the gains, the libido, the "aggression" as they like to call it. But here's where things get interesting. I like to call it the "false identity" has arrived. For me, beginning in this dosage range, a new viewpoint arrives. I see life in a new lens without realizing it. I feel as though I'm important, as if the things I have to do are more important than those around me. Everyone else and everything, or obligation, can take second priority and if its not, then I feel annoyed or stressed or anxious, as I my priorities are number one. In conversations, this persona is suddenly always the dominant. Intrinsically, things that were once interesting are now boring or annoying because they don't apply to the mission of the persona, command and conquer. All while this is occurring, gains are being made and nothing actually "bad" is happening. In fact, the persona see's itself as making good progress and having fun. I was invincible, impermeable, a god. Blasting and cruising was a game of +/- in this persona. The persona would slightly weaken at 700mg cruise and then reincarnate on the blasts. It seemed to be a joy. A discovery. A success.
And then the breaking point. The hospital for emergency gallbladder removal with 48 gall stones. It was time to take a break. Time to go back to 100mg/wk HRT dosages. Whatever the reason, at some point in time, remember that there is a breaking point and you must come back down to earth.
I thought it would be easy. After all, I started at 100mg, and felt great on HRT, why would it be any different? WRONG. Immediately I went through a huge ordeal of a crash. I figured it must be bad test, high estrogen, high cortisol, dopamine withdrawals or something. What was going on? I lost a TON of muscle mass and gained a little fat. It was quite feat to see the rock hard 19's start to deflate, but that wasn't the saddening part. The saddening part was THE RETURN OF EMPATHY.
During the years of high doses, tren, masteron, and all these powerful androgens, it wasn't so much of the gains, but it was the mental sharpening that affected me. I became a dominating machine and had no idea. While I was falling, I instantly realized that things were never going to be the same. A walk through the woods on 2g of gear was now so much apparently different than a natural walk through the woods. Appreciation for small things returned. Humbleness returned. And then the mind recognized the shackles that had existed for so long. Life was passing by so quickly and being lived only for the pursuit, so much, that relationships and normal human emotions and sympathy were left behind. I soon realized the change that loved one's must have seen. The things that I missed out on from the dedication to pursue. In a sense, the intrinsic alpha that becomes of the androgen is detrimental. The accomplishments and rewards were not from helping others, but only from helping myself. I had become a selfish monster that would eliminate anything in its path, but manipulated it to myself and others as if it was for some beneficial purpose.
In the end, like I said, it was all a game. The power of being the most dominant, self sufficient, survivor and beast in every aspect ultimate became nothing but a drug induced trip. An ego trip that lasted a good deal of time and affected a good deal of people and not for any benefit. All the opportunity cost spent in these years towards this goal suddenly became largely a huge waste. The only thing left that is good is the lesson learned. The lesson learned which is to never loose sight of who you are. Never take a drug to the degree that is changes who you are. And trust me, you'll think you are fine when you are actually deluded. There is no one that can stop you or keep you in check. You decide what you want out of life.
DO. NOT. LOOSE. SIGHT. OF. WHO. YOU. WERE/ARE
Do not tell yourself that you are a new person now that you've gained 100lbs and have xx inch arms. You are no different than any other human being on this earth.
What I have learned from my experience with gear is that GEAR = EGO. The higher the dose, the more the ego. And eventually there will be a point by which its impossible to maintain any sort of empathy and humbleness.
Deductively, this leads to a great deal of confusion. If logically, more androgens = more ego/less empathy, then by definition, less androgens means more empathy less ego. Take a huge dose of clomiphene citrate and tell me how humble/sympathetic you feel. Now my question is, what dosage is "correct" for the mind. Correct for the ego. What dose doesn't hurt your inner self or others? Once you are on the path, you can never go back.
I haven't proved it or seen proof of it, but I believe that there is a feedback between the mind and the natural androgen levels of the male species. In other words, if we aren't injecting testosterone, our lifestyle choices will decide the appropriate level of ego/dominance/DHT to a limited degree. The slippery slope is that once you become exogenous, the mind is NO LONGER IN CONTROL. The ANDROGEN is now dictating the behavior of the mind. BUT the game is that the mind thinks its in control!
PCT is not so bad because you need to "restart your testosterone levels and balance your estrogen". Yes that part is unfortunate but ultimately PCT sucks because YOUR MIND has become adjusted to a new level of dominance / success and now must return to normal life, so it perceives a loss. I will dare say that steroids introduce the possibility of clear-cut extra personalities.
Coming down from 2000mg a week and 4500ng to 100mg/wk @ 750ng. My test level were perfect. Estrogen was perfect. But "I" was missing. The sex drive, the dominance, the way I commanded my thoughts, my goals, my conversations, my senses, my ambitions, my instincts, and my reactions, my thought patterns, my desires, my exhibitionism, everything was drastically different. And none of this related to the typical "pct" stuff we discuss.
I now have adjusted and am very conscious of trying to give myself a "fair" amount so that my own natural mindset can develop. I now have appreciation for things that I once appreciated many years ago and had forgotten. But, I can never go back all the way. I can never reverse the sacrifices I made. And I can never be what I would have been if I had not taken Androgens for the past 7 years.
So please, to those of you who are beginning or those of you who are experienced bodybuilders, power lifters, or vets. If you died tomorrow, is your persona what you'd wish to leave behind?
I understand that most will read this and resist what I have to say, or place the blame on me as one who was wreckless and just a story of what not to do. But remember, I'm here to tell you, that if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. Do not delude yourself. Never loose sight of who you are when you look into that mirror or step on that scale. And at the end of the day, if this helps one person to make a different decision from wherever they might be, then my journey was not wasted.
Thanks and best regards to AnabolicMinds,
Monsterbox
I was once a prominent member of this forum years ago. I went offline a few years ago, but I'm back just today, to share with you as a friend.
I started using Pro-hormones at the age of 19, RPN Havoc specifically. Once the skinny guy in high school and soon became a well respected monster. That progressed into injectables, orals, and bodybuilding competitions. There was what appeared at the time to be considerable rewards. First, there was this every day desire and drive to succeed in the gym and gain. With AAS, came considerable motivation. Motivation to train, eat, focus, and become a dedicated machine to achieving goals. AAS allows the opportunity to become something that was otherwise only a dream, and to bring this to life we do no less then take full advantage of the opportunity. I dove into this forum, researching everything I could find. Spending countless hours on hormones; SHGB, test/bioavil/free, estradiol, prolactin, progesterone, lipids, etc you name it. I had eventually come up with a plan for success (summarizing here), one that was healthy, regular blood tests etc. and was able to transform in a matter of a few years. Everything changed; women, friends, jobs, etc...the dominance the became of the transformation opened doors never thought possible. I was hooked to this persona and even once I reached a nice cruising level I continued to recognize benefits in many aspects of life. Or so I thought.
Now, I don't want to go on for long as I'd like to keep this short and informative. After years of cycling, I'm here to share my conclusion of what all of this is for, its for nothing other than an identity. No matter how we try to spin it and justify our reasoning for using AAS, its deductible to absolutely no other reason but to enforce an identity. When we begin AAS, or even years into it, we may not notice this fact. At the beginning its a love affair with great emotions and energy as the weights go higher and the pumps are larger. Then the dedication increases, we start spending time reading, researching, obtaining, training, cooking, dieting, etc etc. ANY serious bodybuilder is going to know full well that the amount of dedication required to do what we do is dumbfounding. The sacrifice is great. Free time goofing around like the rest of the world becomes opportunity cost at what could be better gains. We become very conscious of our bodies, gain a sense of confidence that we can achieve what we imagine, and we push on. And in the process we are rewarded by inspiring others, motivating, helping people to live healthy lives.
Now, what I'm here today to post about is what is also becoming during this process. During this process, an identity is created. This is the new version of yourself. The self that now has achieved a new success. This new self makes new decisions, new choices, and a has a new outlook on the life and the meaning of life. A warrior is becoming.
Trust me when I say this, I do NOT believe steroids are inherently bad for you if utilized responsibly. Of all people, I'm one to push the limits. I like to go 200mph in everything that I do. I'm a believer in hard work and sacrifice. If you're going to do something, doing it with everything you've got. Make it special. Create and command the universe. However, after many years and reflection, I just want express that steroids may not be bad for our health if properly administered, but they can and will affect your consciousness.
Many guys come in here asking about 'roid rage. Mood swings, sex drive etc. All of this stuff is less of a deal than people make it out to be. Side effects are just side effects, we expect them and we learn how to be smart (hopefully). But, apart from all of this, we never ask ourselves, what is the effect on our consciousness? Our being? Our identities? Think about it, when we're worried about our estrogen levels, or a SERM / AI taper during PCT, we're not concerned or even considering what may becoming of our consciousness, of our sense of self.
What are the consequences of the gains??
No one comes in here and reports how their sense of self has changed. What doors have opened in their lives. What doors have closed. Its ONLY about the steroids, the side effects, and the muscular results.
Today, it brings me a great deal of nostalgia and profound feeling of emptiness to share, that at the end of this game, there is no clear-cut reward. Many have failed to express, that with the reward of physique, fortitude, and discipline also comes great shackles.
I'm here, not to discourage, and not to criticize, but from friendship, to warn you. The further down the path you venture, the more defined the path becomes. If you choose to hike into this forest, it will be harder to find your way back. And I wish that you will not go so far as to forget where you came from.
I walked around at 200lbs, 5" 8", and 6% bodyfat year round. This used to make me (that created identity) feel confident and goal oriented to push for success in all aspects. But as I progressed, I began to notice that the gains aren't as profound. It now takes more, pushing harder, going beyond to reach that gratification. But as we go further, the costs increase. Maybe not physically, but mentally. I have now reached a point, where I've realized a every inch of my growth from the day I began, was nothing other than a game. I had convinced myself into believing these gains were rewards. And now, at the end of the day, I've used up all my rewards. In order to have more, we must eat even more food, push even more weight, take even more gear otherwise we feel as if we're not moving.
In otherwords, life had become a goal post that was always moving backwards. The closer you get to the goal the further back it moves. Until eventually, even the very best of us reach catastrophe for that extra mile. If you don't believe it just look at a guy like Andrea Munzer. It wasn't the steroids that killed him, it was the identity that he created that killed him.
Now obviously that's a physical catastrophe and very unlikely unless you are that level of obsession. But, I must warn you, the "alpha" male feeling that's talked about by steroids is real. And this "alpha" male mentality, of course can be adopted on your own with practice, but on Androgenic/DHT compounds it will quite literally come out of you. Many may never venture to doses to were it becomes self-realized, but take a gram of tren and you'll quickly see that your personality is not so much the same. This is then realized at all levels of usage.
Let me take you into the mind a bit.
Start out with 200mg of Testosterone Cypionate, with the according ancillaries, and most will notice a nice increase in sex drive, muscle mass, and confidence, sleep, less stress etc. Its like a damn good cup of coffee for every situation. Immunity to the environment and a nice reward of gains.
Move up to 400mg the next cycle, everything has returned the same, same sense of "well-being" as we like to call it, but now the sex drive is a little higher. Gains are a little more rapid. We don't realize it, but we may be more focused, flexing a little more in the mirror, paying a little more attention to the numbers and the scale and the calories. The stakes are higher push further.
Now move up to 2000mg and throw in dbol. Now everything has increased, the gains, the libido, the "aggression" as they like to call it. But here's where things get interesting. I like to call it the "false identity" has arrived. For me, beginning in this dosage range, a new viewpoint arrives. I see life in a new lens without realizing it. I feel as though I'm important, as if the things I have to do are more important than those around me. Everyone else and everything, or obligation, can take second priority and if its not, then I feel annoyed or stressed or anxious, as I my priorities are number one. In conversations, this persona is suddenly always the dominant. Intrinsically, things that were once interesting are now boring or annoying because they don't apply to the mission of the persona, command and conquer. All while this is occurring, gains are being made and nothing actually "bad" is happening. In fact, the persona see's itself as making good progress and having fun. I was invincible, impermeable, a god. Blasting and cruising was a game of +/- in this persona. The persona would slightly weaken at 700mg cruise and then reincarnate on the blasts. It seemed to be a joy. A discovery. A success.
And then the breaking point. The hospital for emergency gallbladder removal with 48 gall stones. It was time to take a break. Time to go back to 100mg/wk HRT dosages. Whatever the reason, at some point in time, remember that there is a breaking point and you must come back down to earth.
I thought it would be easy. After all, I started at 100mg, and felt great on HRT, why would it be any different? WRONG. Immediately I went through a huge ordeal of a crash. I figured it must be bad test, high estrogen, high cortisol, dopamine withdrawals or something. What was going on? I lost a TON of muscle mass and gained a little fat. It was quite feat to see the rock hard 19's start to deflate, but that wasn't the saddening part. The saddening part was THE RETURN OF EMPATHY.
During the years of high doses, tren, masteron, and all these powerful androgens, it wasn't so much of the gains, but it was the mental sharpening that affected me. I became a dominating machine and had no idea. While I was falling, I instantly realized that things were never going to be the same. A walk through the woods on 2g of gear was now so much apparently different than a natural walk through the woods. Appreciation for small things returned. Humbleness returned. And then the mind recognized the shackles that had existed for so long. Life was passing by so quickly and being lived only for the pursuit, so much, that relationships and normal human emotions and sympathy were left behind. I soon realized the change that loved one's must have seen. The things that I missed out on from the dedication to pursue. In a sense, the intrinsic alpha that becomes of the androgen is detrimental. The accomplishments and rewards were not from helping others, but only from helping myself. I had become a selfish monster that would eliminate anything in its path, but manipulated it to myself and others as if it was for some beneficial purpose.
In the end, like I said, it was all a game. The power of being the most dominant, self sufficient, survivor and beast in every aspect ultimate became nothing but a drug induced trip. An ego trip that lasted a good deal of time and affected a good deal of people and not for any benefit. All the opportunity cost spent in these years towards this goal suddenly became largely a huge waste. The only thing left that is good is the lesson learned. The lesson learned which is to never loose sight of who you are. Never take a drug to the degree that is changes who you are. And trust me, you'll think you are fine when you are actually deluded. There is no one that can stop you or keep you in check. You decide what you want out of life.
DO. NOT. LOOSE. SIGHT. OF. WHO. YOU. WERE/ARE
Do not tell yourself that you are a new person now that you've gained 100lbs and have xx inch arms. You are no different than any other human being on this earth.
What I have learned from my experience with gear is that GEAR = EGO. The higher the dose, the more the ego. And eventually there will be a point by which its impossible to maintain any sort of empathy and humbleness.
Deductively, this leads to a great deal of confusion. If logically, more androgens = more ego/less empathy, then by definition, less androgens means more empathy less ego. Take a huge dose of clomiphene citrate and tell me how humble/sympathetic you feel. Now my question is, what dosage is "correct" for the mind. Correct for the ego. What dose doesn't hurt your inner self or others? Once you are on the path, you can never go back.
I haven't proved it or seen proof of it, but I believe that there is a feedback between the mind and the natural androgen levels of the male species. In other words, if we aren't injecting testosterone, our lifestyle choices will decide the appropriate level of ego/dominance/DHT to a limited degree. The slippery slope is that once you become exogenous, the mind is NO LONGER IN CONTROL. The ANDROGEN is now dictating the behavior of the mind. BUT the game is that the mind thinks its in control!
PCT is not so bad because you need to "restart your testosterone levels and balance your estrogen". Yes that part is unfortunate but ultimately PCT sucks because YOUR MIND has become adjusted to a new level of dominance / success and now must return to normal life, so it perceives a loss. I will dare say that steroids introduce the possibility of clear-cut extra personalities.
Coming down from 2000mg a week and 4500ng to 100mg/wk @ 750ng. My test level were perfect. Estrogen was perfect. But "I" was missing. The sex drive, the dominance, the way I commanded my thoughts, my goals, my conversations, my senses, my ambitions, my instincts, and my reactions, my thought patterns, my desires, my exhibitionism, everything was drastically different. And none of this related to the typical "pct" stuff we discuss.
I now have adjusted and am very conscious of trying to give myself a "fair" amount so that my own natural mindset can develop. I now have appreciation for things that I once appreciated many years ago and had forgotten. But, I can never go back all the way. I can never reverse the sacrifices I made. And I can never be what I would have been if I had not taken Androgens for the past 7 years.
So please, to those of you who are beginning or those of you who are experienced bodybuilders, power lifters, or vets. If you died tomorrow, is your persona what you'd wish to leave behind?
I understand that most will read this and resist what I have to say, or place the blame on me as one who was wreckless and just a story of what not to do. But remember, I'm here to tell you, that if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. Do not delude yourself. Never loose sight of who you are when you look into that mirror or step on that scale. And at the end of the day, if this helps one person to make a different decision from wherever they might be, then my journey was not wasted.
Thanks and best regards to AnabolicMinds,
Monsterbox