whiskers
Banned
But seriously, it is odd that we call the result of all of our actions consequences. why no prosequences?
Share Your Favourite Jokes...
- Thread starter strategicmove
- Start date
But seriously, it is odd that we call the result of all of our actions consequences. why no prosequences?
nemo
Well-known member
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one
wanted to room with John because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in John's room and came to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'John snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that John shakes
the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. The next morning he came to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested. 'Good
morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what
happened? How did you get a good night's sleep?' He said, 'Well, we
got ready for bed. I went over and tucked John into bed, pinched him
on the ass and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all
night.
wanted to room with John because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in John's room and came to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'John snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that John shakes
the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. The next morning he came to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested. 'Good
morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what
happened? How did you get a good night's sleep?' He said, 'Well, we
got ready for bed. I went over and tucked John into bed, pinched him
on the ass and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all
night.
Fastone
Well-known member
The Original Computer!!!!
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
Invalid Link Removed
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
:bruce3:
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy...
Invalid Link Removed
You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
:bruce3:
ABNRanger
Well-known member
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.
I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.
I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.
I said, "I sure did",,,,,,,,and held up my thumb to show her.
strategicmove
Legend
strategicmove
Legend
:jaw:
papapumpsd
Well-known member
What's the worst part about eating pussy?
Peeling the diaper off.
OHHHH LAWDY LAWDY! SUMUNZ GUNNA NEG ME FO SHO!! OHH LAWDY LAWDY!! LOL. Tasteless isn't my middle name cause I'm all about the FLAVA!
Invalid Link Removed
Peeling the diaper off.
OHHHH LAWDY LAWDY! SUMUNZ GUNNA NEG ME FO SHO!! OHH LAWDY LAWDY!! LOL. Tasteless isn't my middle name cause I'm all about the FLAVA!
Invalid Link Removed
nemo
Well-known member
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When
the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC ., and those *******s deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When
the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC ., and those *******s deducted $95.00 in taxes.
bslick69b
Well-known member
:rofl:
bslick69b
Well-known member
one day a little boy had a dream that he was talking to god,and the little boy could ask god any question he wished,so he said,god what is an eternity to you,and god said,an eternity is but a minute to me, my child,then the little boy asked another question,he said god,what is a million dollars to you,and god replies,my child a million dollars is but a penny to me,then the boy asked,god can i have a penny then,then god says,o.k my child,you will have it in a minute!
whiskers
Banned
When I was young, I prayed for a bicycle every day.Then I realized the lord didn't work that way, so I stole one and begged for forgiveness
Fastone
Well-known member
Should children witness child birth? Good question. Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked The wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......spank him again!'
:bruce3:
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked The wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......spank him again!'
:bruce3:
bslick69b
Well-known member
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
ABNRanger
Well-known member
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again"Them horses they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"
"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly"That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"
Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"
"No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks"What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband a bit flustered answers"Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks"What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again"Them horses they're roping!"
She replies"Oh I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my!" she cries"What is that?"
"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly"That's ma'rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps"Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says"Stop honey wait a minute!"
Her husband panting a little asks"What's the matter honey am I hurting you?"
"No" the bride replies"undo them damn knots I need more rope!"
strategicmove
Legend
ejg700
New member
A man says to his wife:-
"Get ready,you,me and the Dog are going fishing".
Wife replies:-
"I don't want to go fishing".
"OK",says the man,and gives her 3 choices:-
1/Fishing
2/B***job
3/Take it up the a**e
Wife thinks a while,and chooses a B***job.
After sucking for a while,she says:-
"This tastes like S**t.!".
Man replies:-
"I know,the Dog didn't want to go Fishing either.!!!!
"Get ready,you,me and the Dog are going fishing".
Wife replies:-
"I don't want to go fishing".
"OK",says the man,and gives her 3 choices:-
1/Fishing
2/B***job
3/Take it up the a**e
Wife thinks a while,and chooses a B***job.
After sucking for a while,she says:-
"This tastes like S**t.!".
Man replies:-
"I know,the Dog didn't want to go Fishing either.!!!!
ejg700
New member
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
When you're playing charades!
Two guys are sitting at a bar, and they both have black eyes. One guy says to the other,
"How did you get your black eye?"
"Well, I went to the travel agent to pick up a couple of plane tickets. When I got there, I noticed the travel agent was super hot, and had a body to boot! Instead of saying, 'I need two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I said, ' I need two plickets to titsburg,' so she punched me in the eye." "So how did you get your black eye?"
"Well, I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife, and instead of asking her to pass me the maple syrup, I said, 'B**ch,
you've ruined my fuc*ing life!' So she punched me in the eye."
When you're playing charades!
Two guys are sitting at a bar, and they both have black eyes. One guy says to the other,
"How did you get your black eye?"
"Well, I went to the travel agent to pick up a couple of plane tickets. When I got there, I noticed the travel agent was super hot, and had a body to boot! Instead of saying, 'I need two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I said, ' I need two plickets to titsburg,' so she punched me in the eye." "So how did you get your black eye?"
"Well, I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife, and instead of asking her to pass me the maple syrup, I said, 'B**ch,
you've ruined my fuc*ing life!' So she punched me in the eye."
bslick69b
Well-known member
this teacher was teaching her 5th grade class one day.she wrote on the blackboard 4 words which were deduct,defense,defeat, and detail.then she turned to her students and said,which one of you can use all these 4 words in a sentence.there were silence,then a faint voice came from the back of the class,and said i can senorita',then the teacher say's okay jose,stand up and tell the class what your sentence is ,then jose say's dat his easay senorita,DEDUCT went ohver DEFENSE first DEFEAT than DETAIL!
ABNRanger
Well-known member
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
strategicmove
Legend
suncloud
Well-known member
there's so many other things you could do
re-arrange the furniture
switch out your doorknobs
replace the phone with an iron
use golfing shoes and walk over their books
the possibilities are endless...
nemo
Well-known member
Top 10 things you can only say at Thanksgiving!
10. Talk about a huge breast!
9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
7. That's one terrific spread!
6. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
4. Don't play with your meat.
3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
2. How long will it take after you stick it in?
and the Number #1 thing you can only say on
Thanksgiving....
1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
10. Talk about a huge breast!
9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
8. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
7. That's one terrific spread!
6. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
5. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
4. Don't play with your meat.
3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
2. How long will it take after you stick it in?
and the Number #1 thing you can only say on
Thanksgiving....
1. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
nemo
Well-known member
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
nemo
Well-known member
An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor said, “George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
George replied, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes
off.”
”Wow, that's incredible,” the doctor said.
A little later in the day, the doctor called George's wife. “Mary,” he
said, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night
to go to the bathroom that, poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and
when he's done, poof! The light goes off?”
”Oh, my Lord!” Mary exclaimed “He's peeing in the refrigerator again!”
normal results. The doctor said, “George, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
George replied, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes
off.”
”Wow, that's incredible,” the doctor said.
A little later in the day, the doctor called George's wife. “Mary,” he
said, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of
his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night
to go to the bathroom that, poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and
when he's done, poof! The light goes off?”
”Oh, my Lord!” Mary exclaimed “He's peeing in the refrigerator again!”
nemo
Well-known member
The Philadelphia Police are cracking down on speeders heading into Philadelphia.
For the first offense, they give you two Eagle tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Philadelphia Eagles.
Q. What do the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.
Q. How do you keep the Philadelphia Eagles out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?
A. To the Eagles Stadium - they never have a touchdown there!
Q. What do you call a Philadelphia EAGLE with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.
Q. What's the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Philadelphia Eagles does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out.
Q. What do the Philadelphia Eagles and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
For the first offense, they give you two Eagle tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Philadelphia Eagles.
Q. What do the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.
Q. How do you keep the Philadelphia Eagles out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.
Q. Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?
A. To the Eagles Stadium - they never have a touchdown there!
Q. What do you call a Philadelphia EAGLE with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.
Q. What's the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q. How many Philadelphia Eagles does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out.
Q. What do the Philadelphia Eagles and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
nemo
Well-known member
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
nemo
Well-known member
Philadelphia Eagles football practice was delayed nearly two hours this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Head coach Andy Reid immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.
Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
Head coach Andy Reid immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.
Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
nemo
Well-known member
I am passing this on to you-------It is definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a cherry pie, a fifth of Old Grand Dad, a small box of chocolate candy and slapped the living hell out of someone I don't like. I feel better already.
bslick69b
Well-known member
:toofunny:..your the worst bonscott!:toofunny:..you bad..bad..boy!
nemo
Well-known member
ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little *****. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ***** is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week!!
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a **** about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little *****. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ***** is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week!!
nemo
Well-known member
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done . Your turn!)
lol
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done . Your turn!)
lol
nemo
Well-known member
Fellow Business Executives:
As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact
that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will
increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in
our fees to them of about 8%. But since we cannot increase our fees right now...due to the
dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really
been eating at me for awhile, as we believe we are a family here. I didn't know how to choose
who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled through our parking lot and found 6 Obama bumper stickers on our
employees' cars and have decided these are the folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't
think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact
that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will
increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in
our fees to them of about 8%. But since we cannot increase our fees right now...due to the
dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really
been eating at me for awhile, as we believe we are a family here. I didn't know how to choose
who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled through our parking lot and found 6 Obama bumper stickers on our
employees' cars and have decided these are the folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't
think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know.
nemo
Well-known member
Quote for the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her crap -
you will receive more **** than any one human being
can handle."
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her crap -
you will receive more **** than any one human being
can handle."
freqfly
Active member
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
nemo
Well-known member
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.
A blonde female crew member took the box and promised to put it in
the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her
about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
She became annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to
the entire cabin 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
A blonde female crew member took the box and promised to put it in
the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her
about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
She became annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to
the entire cabin 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
nemo
Well-known member
Cheating Wife...
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
$100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun
to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly
dues.'
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, 'What would you do?
The cabby replied; 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he
catches a cold.'
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
$100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun
to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly
dues.'
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, 'What would you do?
The cabby replied; 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he
catches a cold.'
ejg700
New member
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas
station that was closed for the night. They approached
one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his
greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think
you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards
them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him
a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,
he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna,
and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing
over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
station that was closed for the night. They approached
one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his
greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think
you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards
them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him
a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness,
he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna,
and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing
over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
nemo
Well-known member
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble withone of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked.’The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying anew one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her babyin the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.’
Submitted By An RN (No Name)
A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely nude they noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly andslightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I Instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
And, finally…
Dr. Wouldn’t Submit His Name
As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner”.
One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble withone of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked.’The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying anew one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her babyin the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.’
Submitted By An RN (No Name)
A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety oftattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely nude they noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly andslightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I Instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
And, finally…
Dr. Wouldn’t Submit His Name
As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No, Doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner”.
nemo
Well-known member
**** LIST !!!
>> ------------------------
>>THE GHOST ****
>> The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** on the toilet paper, but
>> there's no **** in the bowl.
>>
>>THE CLEAN ****
>> The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** in the bowl, but there's
>> no **** on the toilet paper.
>>
>>THE WET ****
>> You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
>> putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
>>ruin
>> them with those dreadful skid marks.
>>
>>THE SECOND WAVE ****
>> This **** happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
>> and you suddenly realize you have to **** some more.
>>
>>THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE ****
>> Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead ****".
>> You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
>> practically have a stroke.
>>
>>THE CORN ****
>> No explanation necessary.
>>
>>THE LINCOLN LOG ****
>> The kind of **** that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
>> without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
>>
>>THE NOTORIUS DRINKER ****
>> The kind of **** you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
>> It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
>> toilet bowl after you flush.
>>
>>THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD ****" ****-
>> The kind where you want to ****, but even after straining your guts out,
>> all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
>>
>>THE WET CHEEKS ****
>> Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
>> ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
>>
>>THE LIQUID ****
>> That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
>> splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
>> chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
>>
>>THE MEXICAN FOOD ****
>> A class all its own.
>>
>>THE CROWD PLEASER
>> This **** is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
>> show it to someone before flushing.
>>
>>THE MOOD ENHANCER
>> This **** occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
>> allowing you to be your old self again.
>>
>>THE RITUAL
>> This **** occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
>> the aid of a newspaper.
>>
>>THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS ****
>> A **** so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
>>
>>THE AFTERSHOCK ****
>> This **** has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
>> within the next 7 hours is affected.
>>
>>THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" ****
>> This is any **** created in the presence of another person.
>>
>>THE GROANER
>> A **** so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
>>
>>THE FLOATER
>> Characterized by its floatability, this **** has been known to
>> resurface after many flushings.
>>
>>THE RANGER
>> A **** which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
>> a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
>> push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
>>
>>THE PHANTOM ****
>> This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
>> putting it there.
>>
>>THE PEEK-A-BOO ****
>> Now you see it, now you don't. This **** is playing games with
>> you. Requires patience and muscle control.
>>
>>THE BOMBSHELL
>> A **** that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
>> inappropriate to **** (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
>> are nowhere near shitting facilities.
>>
>>THE SNAKE CHARMER
>> A long skinny **** which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
>> position - usually harmless.
>>
>>THE OLYMPIC ****
>> This **** occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
>> event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
>> Drinker's ****.
>>
>>THE BACK-TO-NATURE ****
>> This **** may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
>> woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
>>
>>THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN ****
>> An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
>> God when you actually CAN'T ****.
>>
>>PREMEDITATED ****
>> Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
>>
>>SHITZOPHERENIA
>> Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
>>
>>ENERGIZER vs DURACELL ****
>> Also known as a "Still Going" ****.
>>
>>THE POWER DUMP ****
>> The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
>> you're done.
>>
>>THE LIQUID PLUMBER ****
>> This kind of **** is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
>> over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
>> ****.)
>>
>>THE SPINAL TAP ****
>> The kind of **** that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to
>> be coming out sideways.
>>
>>THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY *******" ****
>> Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size
>> of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
>> the rectum for some time afterwards.
>>
>>THE PORRIDGE ****
>> The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
>> have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
>> your butt while you sit there helpless.
>>
>>THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" ****
>> When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
>> rectum on the way out in the morning.
>>
>>THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" ****
>> When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
>> make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
>>
>>THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" ****
>> Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
>> anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
>> near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
>> air.
>>
>>THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" ****
>> Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
>> off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
>> ------------------------
>>THE GHOST ****
>> The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** on the toilet paper, but
>> there's no **** in the bowl.
>>
>>THE CLEAN ****
>> The kind where you feel **** come out, see **** in the bowl, but there's
>> no **** on the toilet paper.
>>
>>THE WET ****
>> You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
>> putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
>>ruin
>> them with those dreadful skid marks.
>>
>>THE SECOND WAVE ****
>> This **** happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
>> and you suddenly realize you have to **** some more.
>>
>>THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE ****
>> Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead ****".
>> You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
>> practically have a stroke.
>>
>>THE CORN ****
>> No explanation necessary.
>>
>>THE LINCOLN LOG ****
>> The kind of **** that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
>> without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
>>
>>THE NOTORIUS DRINKER ****
>> The kind of **** you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
>> It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the
>> toilet bowl after you flush.
>>
>>THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD ****" ****-
>> The kind where you want to ****, but even after straining your guts out,
>> all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
>>
>>THE WET CHEEKS ****
>> Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
>> ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
>>
>>THE LIQUID ****
>> That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
>> splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
>> chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
>>
>>THE MEXICAN FOOD ****
>> A class all its own.
>>
>>THE CROWD PLEASER
>> This **** is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
>> show it to someone before flushing.
>>
>>THE MOOD ENHANCER
>> This **** occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
>> allowing you to be your old self again.
>>
>>THE RITUAL
>> This **** occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
>> the aid of a newspaper.
>>
>>THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS ****
>> A **** so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
>>
>>THE AFTERSHOCK ****
>> This **** has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
>> within the next 7 hours is affected.
>>
>>THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" ****
>> This is any **** created in the presence of another person.
>>
>>THE GROANER
>> A **** so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
>>
>>THE FLOATER
>> Characterized by its floatability, this **** has been known to
>> resurface after many flushings.
>>
>>THE RANGER
>> A **** which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
>> a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
>> push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
>>
>>THE PHANTOM ****
>> This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
>> putting it there.
>>
>>THE PEEK-A-BOO ****
>> Now you see it, now you don't. This **** is playing games with
>> you. Requires patience and muscle control.
>>
>>THE BOMBSHELL
>> A **** that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
>> inappropriate to **** (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
>> are nowhere near shitting facilities.
>>
>>THE SNAKE CHARMER
>> A long skinny **** which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
>> position - usually harmless.
>>
>>THE OLYMPIC ****
>> This **** occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
>> event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
>> Drinker's ****.
>>
>>THE BACK-TO-NATURE ****
>> This **** may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
>> woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
>>
>>THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN ****
>> An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
>> God when you actually CAN'T ****.
>>
>>PREMEDITATED ****
>> Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
>>
>>SHITZOPHERENIA
>> Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
>>
>>ENERGIZER vs DURACELL ****
>> Also known as a "Still Going" ****.
>>
>>THE POWER DUMP ****
>> The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
>> you're done.
>>
>>THE LIQUID PLUMBER ****
>> This kind of **** is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
>> over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
>> ****.)
>>
>>THE SPINAL TAP ****
>> The kind of **** that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to
>> be coming out sideways.
>>
>>THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY *******" ****
>> Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size
>> of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
>> the rectum for some time afterwards.
>>
>>THE PORRIDGE ****
>> The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
>> have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
>> your butt while you sit there helpless.
>>
>>THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" ****
>> When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
>> rectum on the way out in the morning.
>>
>>THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" ****
>> When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
>> make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
>>
>>THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" ****
>> Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
>> anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
>> near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
>> air.
>>
>>THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" ****
>> Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
>> off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.