I was sitting on my deck today and thinking of this question again. Something was nipping at me and I couldn't quite place it until now. I actually had the time to sit and consider why I began lifting all those years ago. Before I came down to Florida and began my journey taking care of my parents, and losing all of those 60 lbs gained.
I started working out quite early in my childhood. It was a response to a relationship I had with my cousin and best friend Kenny. You see, Kenny had muscular dystrophy and we were inseparable. I would often go to his home and we as children would play in the pool, the only place where he could escape the braces on his legs. He inspired me then because he was really smart, and after enduring many painful surgeries had the great spirit of laughter that made me feel humbled yet honored to be his best friend.
Kenny passed away when he was 13, and it is a time that has been ever forged into my memory. They didn't permit me to see him in the hospital because he was in such a bad way, and they couldn't allow me to see this. I held anger for a while after this, but it was subdued from the effect of his death and the void it contained. It was soon after I began to commit myself to a form of self-punishment in an effort to justify my own existence and answer the question why not me? Why him? He was better than I was. I was fearful of the dark, and easily frightened, and he was brave and always cheerful.
When I entered High School, I decided to tryout fort he football team. It's funny because I was less than 90 lbs as a freshman. I proudly walked into the classroom where all the hopefuls gathered to see whom would be chosen. Almost immediately I was summoned to leave the room by the coach as he walked me next door... confused and intimidated, I just did. We entered a room full of what I would consider 'leftovers' or 'rejects' from the football team. It was the wrestling group, and the coach smiled when he spotted me. He said, I think we have our fill of 98 pounders! Your in kid!
Best thing that could have happened to me. This man took me in, and changed my life for the better since that one day. As a young man filled with vim and vinegar, I was given a way to channel my anger, and learn to control my fears. It was then, I learned how to lift properly, and it inspired me.
I asked for a 110lb weight set with a bench. The kind you fill with sand. That was a new beginning for me, and it offered me a challenge to overcome that superseded all other wasteful things such as anger. After lifting I found an inner peace that I had long yearned for, and it made me reflective. A reflection necessary to forgive myself for having that anger about my cousin's death. I could finally openly cry, and it was like a weight had been lifted from my soul.
I cannot and will not trade my alone time in the gym ever again. It has been and always will be a sanctuary where I can face the demons with strength, and conquer my fears. I'm not a religious person, but I am still allowed to believe in God, and Angels. My cousin watches over me, as do my parents, and I recognize how much it means in my life.
Thank you for the chance to reflect on an ironclad resolve I gifted to myself all those years ago. I couldn't have wished for anything better.
Edit: That was exhausting.
Plus: like I said before but wish to add. I've won my good share and don't wish to take away from anyone here. You're all so great and deserving.
If you were to consider me one of the winners I ask you consider another.
I would love it if USPlabs could send something to my brother in Chicago. Anything would be great. My post honors him as well. I don't want anything.
Thank you again for a great thread. That exercise made me feel as if I already won.
