Share Your Favourite Jokes...

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A: They don’t have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won’t stop for directions.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

Q: Why don’t women have men’s brains?
A: Because they don’t have penises to put them in.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They’re intended for children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their *******s and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It’s sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn’t happened yet.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He’s breathing

Q: What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don’t know. It’s never happened.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What is a man’s idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
 
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it’s pointless.
 
bonscott said:
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it’s pointless.
Click to expand...

Quite witty! :D
 
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effor t you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
 
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.
 
Two sperm are traveling the length of a mans' penis

suddenly they're out in open air and on their way

After a while one sperm says to the other

"Man I'm getting tired, where the hell is that egg"

The other sperm replied

"We've got a long way to go we're only at the tonsils"

:bruce3:
 
Fastone said:
Two sperm are traveling the length of a mans' penis

suddenly they're out in open air and on their way

After a while one sperm says to the other

"Man I'm getting tired, where the hell is that egg"

The other sperm replied

"We've got a long way to go we're only at the tonsils"

:bruce3:
Click to expand...
hahaha g1
 
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season', Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates', Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
 
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blond shouts, "fire!!"
 
Three guys work on a construction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply, saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building." The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says "I'm with you guys."
The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I love my wife." The black guy opens his lunch. He says, "Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said "HAM AGAIN! See ya guys." With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says " I feel sorry for him." The white man replies, "I'm not, he packs his own lunch."
 
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
 
A man is lost. He decides to stop and ask for directions at a farm.

Before he knocks on the door, he saw in the window an old, naked couple. The wife was pulling her breasts, and the husband was jerking off. Horrified, the man runs across the street to another house.

The homeowner tells the man, "They're deaf. She's saying 'Milk the cows,' and he's saying 'Go fcuk yourself.'"
 
A Fairy Tale

One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine,
nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End
 
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh1t."
 
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.

:bruce3:
 
5 Minute Management Course


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. ;

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you an d do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field..

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

:bruce3:
 
Fastone said:
5 Minute Management Course


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. ;

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you an d do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field..

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

:bruce3:
Click to expand...

Great!!! :thumbsup:
 
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!
 
December 8

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry f#%&ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."
 
CHILI FOR LUNCH?

A young cowboywalks into a seedy cafe in Western
Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy
with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't
gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns
his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie
manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy
reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts
spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom
and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking
and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
 
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervadingAmerica ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

< /div>

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'&nb sp;LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTER NATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
 
WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...




"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Pennsylvania and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"
 
>
>
> Subject: What if Santa Wrote Back
>
>
> deer santa:
> I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
>
> Yer Frend,
> BiLLy
>
>
>
> Dear Billy,
> Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
> give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
> your
> older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
> Santa
>
>
> Dear Santa,
> I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
> and joy in the world for everybody!
> Love,
> Sarah
>
> Dear Sarah,
> Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
> Santa
>
>
> Dear Santa,
> I d on't know if you20can do this, but for Chris tmas, I'd like for my
> mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
> Love,
> Teddy
>
>=2 0Dear Teddy,
> Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
> hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
> frigid, fat
> mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
> get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with
> those?
> Santa
>
>
> Dear Santa,
> I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
> drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
> Love,
> Francis
>
> Dear Francis,
> Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I'm giving you a doll
> instead because I bet you're gay.
> Santa
>
>
> Dear Santa ,
> I left milk and c ookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
> your reindeer outside the back door.
> Love,
> Susan
>
&g t; Dear Susan,
> Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
> riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
>
> Santa
>
0A >
> Dear Santa,
> What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
>
> Your friend,
> Thomas
>
> Dear Thomas ,
> All the toys are made by little kids like you in China .20Every year I
> give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas,
> where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
> drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
> losing
> money at the craps table.
> Santa
>
> P.S.
> Tell your mom she got the p art.
>
>
>
>
> Dear Santa,
> Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
> like in the song?
> Love,
> Jessica
>
> Dear Jessica,
> Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
> your house.
> Santa
>
>
>
>
> Dear Santa,
> I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
> PLEASE could I have one?
> Timmy
>
> Timmy,
> Th at whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
> work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater=2 0again.
> Santa
>
> Dearest Santa,
> We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
> Love,
> Marky
>
> Mark,
> First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
> kicked at school. Secon d, you don't live in a house, you live in a
& gt; low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
> all the
> burglars do, through your bedroom window.
> Sweet Dreams,
> Santa
>
>
>
 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The eye-candy pediatrician arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed exam inaction. Motioning to her to get dr essed, the
doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 
A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in
the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my
own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry
a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.
'Makes your **** look bigger.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ?
 
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
 
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and
calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did anyone else see my face?' calls the
robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent,Standing next to her said, looking down,
tentatively raises his hand and says:



"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse .
 
bonscott said:
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the
robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and
calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did anyone else see my face?' calls the
robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent,Standing next to her said, looking down,
tentatively raises his hand and says:



"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse .
Click to expand...
and her spoiled son from a previous marriage also but he is at home but i can give you the address!.LOL..good one bon's!:thumbsup:
 
Just want to say, with all the hell going on in my life, finances falling apart, heart ache, and a hate for Christmas due to an ex.... these jokes made me get a few moments breaks.... heh.


Someday things will look up, until I have some of these jokes...
 
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed too qualified for the job.

'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'

'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'
 
bonscott said:
CHILI FOR LUNCH?

A young cowboywalks into a seedy cafe in Western
Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy
with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't
gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns
his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie
manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy
reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts
spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom
and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking
and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.
Click to expand...

Wow! :food:
 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
 
There is a medical distinction!
>
> We've all heard about people having "the guts"
> or "the balls", but does anyone really know the
> difference between them?
>
> In an effort to keep everyone informed, and to
> alleviate any further confusion, the following
> definitions are listed below:


> "GUTS": Is arriving home late
> after a night out with the guys, being met by your
> wife with a broom, and having "the guts" to ask:
> "Are you still cleaning or are you flying out
> somewhere?"


> "BALLS": Is arriving home late
> after a night out with the guys, smelling of booze
> and perfume; lipstick on your collar and slapping
> your wife on the ass and having "the balls" to say
> "You're next chubby!"

> I hope this clears up any confusion on the
> definitions. Medically speaking there is no
> difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
> result in death.

:bruce3:
 
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . .. which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you
think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Billy raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Billy, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.
 
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, 'How

do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. ''Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
 
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
 
Who is your real friend?

This really works!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
 
bonscott said:
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, 'How

do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. ''Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
Click to expand...

Nice!
 
On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cowboys fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Cowboys fans.
Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Cowboys fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Cowboys fan, then wh o are you a fan of?'
'I am an Eagles fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie, please tell me why you are you an Eagles fan?'
'Because my mom is an Eagles fan, and my dad is an Eagles fan, so I'm an Eagles fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be an Eagles fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, wha t would you be then?'
'Then,' Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Cowboys fan.'
 
Four football fans - a Cowboys fan, an Eagles fan, a Redskins fan, and a Giants fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal. 'This is for the Redskins!' he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Giants fan shouts, 'This is for the Giants!' and throws himself off the mountain.
The Eagles fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, 'This is for everyone!' and pushes the Cowboys fan off the mountain.
 
A Eagles fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Cowboys fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Blue & White shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, 'Where are you going, Father?'
'I'm20going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road,' replied the priest.
'Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!' The priest cl imbed into the p assenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Cowboys fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then rememb ered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, sorry Father, I just missed hitting that Cowboys fan.'
'That's OK,' replied the priest 'I got him with the door.'
 
GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the mall!!

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall and got very frightened. He approached a uniformed policeman and sobbed, "I've lost my grandpa!!!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

My grandson hesitated for a moment, wiped his tears onto his sleeve and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."
 
This Guy Knows Math

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so...
 
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