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Great SIMPSONS Quotes

RenegadeRows

RenegadeRows

Well-known member
There is so many to choose from, and the animation itself takes a good portion of the show's humor...but I want to hear your favorite/funniest simpsons quotes.

I like in the episode where Homer is becoming hyper-obese in order to get on workman's disability, he is at the nutrition store, and he goes up to the counter with a giant tub that says "MASSIVE WEIGHT GAINER". The clerk looks at his obvious gurth, and replies "Lucky for you this stuff don't work..." :rofl: :rofl:
 
Wording might be a little off but - "What do you think I am, a pathetic drunk? Oh look there's some beer in this ash tray! sluuuuurp"
 
jarhead said:
Wording might be a little off but - "What do you think I am, a pathetic drunk? Oh look there's some beer in this ash tray! sluuuuurp"
Click to expand...

LOL. I like that one too!

"Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod?"
"Homer Simpson sir, one of your chair moisteners from 7-G"
 
i like the episode when groundskeeper willie says "grease me up woman"

i also like the one when homer is singing about when he was 17.

"when i was 17...i bought some very good beer, some very good beer i purchased, with a fake id, my name was brian mcgee, i stayed up listening to queen,....when i was 17"
 
Homer Simpson is on trial for selling his soul episode...
Lionel Hutz (holding a pizza box): "Well, I didn't win the case so your pizza is free."
Marge: "But we did win, mister Hutz."
Lionel Hutz: "Thats okay, the box is empty."

Most anything that Hutz says. Or anything that Gil says. He is the most underused and underrated character. And when they are both in there...

Gil: "What did you use Marge, the old buff and bluff? The hail murry? The sasquhana shuffle? Huh, Huh?"
Marge: "No. None of that. It was salesmanship."
Lionel Hutz: "Sure Marge, 'salesmanship'."
Marge: "But it was."
Lionel Hutz: "Sure Marge, 'was'."
 
Homer's fascination with simple objects: "Oooh! A shoe horn! Shoe goes on... Shoe comes off... Shoe goes on..."

Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'
 
Mr Burns (seeing the devil on security cameras): "Smithers, Whos that goat-legged fellow. I like the cut of his jig."
Smithers: "Prince of Darkness sir, he's your 11:00'
 
Ned when Homer runs out the house naked "Homer I can see your doodle!" The way Ned talks just made me crack up when I heard that. Also anything Ralph says is golden. I kno there are thousands of other good lines, just gotta watch some episodes.
 
Marge: Homer, your work called. They said if you don't come in today, don't bother coming in tomorrow either.
Homer: WOOHOO! 4 Day Weekend!
 
When Bart has to play with Ralphie and they get into the Chief's stuff and the Chief says -

"What is your fascination with my secret, forbidden closet of mystery, boys?"
 
Last one - I promise.

Homer becomes a food critic - and one of the people that like him says:

"I love your reviews, you are not like most critics who poo poo new foods right away"

Homer responds - "no, it takes a few hours"
 
The episode when Homer finds the over turned truck full of sugar

"People will point and stare,..there goes Homer Simpson with his odd smells and strange manners, but they will never know what i know..the dizzying highs, the terrible lows,,,and the creamy middles!

".. first you get the sugar , then you get the women!"

When the bee farmers notice that their bees are missing

Adam West-" hello ole chum,... nice and quiet today around the hive...mmmh,..all most too quiet,..The Bees!...quickly to the bee mobile!"

"..uhh, do you mean your chevy?"

Adam West-"...(sheepishly) Yes.

The episode where there casting for Fallout boy

Producer to Bart-" congradulations your the new Fallout boy!!!!...that's what I'd be saying to you, if you were just two inches taller...next!
 
LOL, wheystation u had some good ones!
---
Who Shot Mr. Burns part 2

Smithers: sir, I'm truly sorry I shot you in your wooden leg.
Jasper: Who shot who in the what now?
 
Not exact words but the gist of it, this is from the one where bart becomes a fat ass from the vending machines and goes to fat camp..

After Bart is home and the fat camp takes Homer instead (there on their way in the car and Tab Spangler is the Fat Camp instructor)

Tab Spangler: What are you eating now?
Homer: Cheeseburger.
Tab Spangler: You're a catastrophe! Let me have half of it.
Homer: I don't wanna.
Tab Spangler: I just want the cheese. I don't want the meat. I do want the meat!
Homer: Here's a corner.
Tab Spangler: I mean just bite it. Don't rip it! Let me have the whole thing. You'll get some later.
Homer: You're a selfish jerk.
Tab Spangler: I smelled it. It has to be eaten!
Homer: But it's my burger.
Tab Spangler: I'm driving. I'll kill us.
Homer: Fine. I'd rather die.
 
WHen homer goes for a late night walk and sees a sign that says GYM.

Homer: "What's a ghyme?"
walks in and sees all the weights
Homer: "Oh, A GHYYMMMEEEE."
 
In one episode Homer, Carl and Lenny are kids. They are going to their swimming hole at the quarry. Carl tells everyone that he just invented the internet. Lenny says, "Yeah, what's that?". Carl replies "It's this soft netting that I lined my swim trunks with, I call it the inner net." Later, when they run to dive into the quarry, they see at the last minute that the quarry is almost empty. They come skidding to a halt and Carl says "I think I just logged onto my inner net."
 
ken77 said:
In one episode Homer, Carl and Lenny are kids. They are going to their swimming hole at the quarry. Carl tells everyone that he just invented the internet. Lenny says, "Yeah, what's that?". Carl replies "It's this soft netting that I lined my swim trunks with, I call it the inner net." Later, when they run to dive into the quarry, they see at the last minute that the quarry is almost empty. They come skidding to a halt and Carl says "I think I just logged onto my inner net."
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:icon_lol:
 
bart-"look out radioactive man"

millhouse-"Its soooo thick" (when he and bart and sucking down squishies from the quickemart
 
Anything flanders says usually makes me laugh.

"The lights, the noise, the letter X. It's all designed to inflame the senses. I'm overstimulated. I've gotta get out of this town."

"Well kids looks like this year we’re gonna have an imaginary Christmas."

"We're done for! We're done-diddly-done-for! We're Done-diddly-doodly-done-diddly-doodly done-diddly-doodly"
 
"damn sexy flanders" homer ski trip
"Were dealing with real acid here folks, safety goggles"
Rameir wolfcastle- Real Acid" "the goggles they do nothing"

Ralph- "My cat's breath smells like cat food"
-"Ms. hooover my worm crawled into my mouth and I ate it can i have another one"
No ralph put your head down and go to sleep so I can teach the other students
"Yeah sleep that's where i'm a viking"

"I bent my wookie"
 
Bart imaginig being fat

" I clean myself with a rag on a stick!"

Lionel Hutz attorney at law

" Even though,the state Bar association prohibits me from promising you a large cash reward,...I promise you a large cash reward!!!"

" This will be my biggest case since I sued the makers of the movie, Never Ending Story!"

"The Judge doesn't like me because last year I almost ran over his dog"

"..Oh my is that true?"

" Well,..if you change almost to did and dog to son then,...yes"
 
Here are some quotes from homer that found pretty funny

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

Maybe some day somebody will call me "Sir" without adding "You're making a scene

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
 
Ralph is too funny b/c we all had to sit by a kid like him in grade school.

Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

I found a moonrock in my nose!

And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life

Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!

That's where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!
 
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My ALL TIME FAVORITE ONE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

When Grandpa escapes from the nursing home -

Call me mint jelly 'cause I'm on the lamb
 
From Treehouse of Horror III

== DIAL "Z" for ZOMBIES ==

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer: He was a Zombie!?
 
Grandpa Simpson
"You guys blame me for everything; who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the tv?"

GP:"Your lamp's running away."
Bart:"That's my dog!"
GP:"So long lamp."
 
Lunch Lady Doris: "We're here to save the world, eh fall out boy?"
Ralph: "What's for lunch today"
Producer: "Next!"
Ralph: "Chicken Necks?"

Homer: "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

Homer: "Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

Homer: "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
 
Grampa Simpson-" oh its not a scam, first you give them all of your creditcard numbers and if one of them is lucky...you win!!!"
 
HOMER's GHOST: "St. Peter says I have to do one good deed to get in to heaven."
MARGE:"Well the garage needs cleaning and the trash needs to be taken out......."
HOMER:(CUTS HER OFF)"Whoa, whoa, whoa Marge, Im just trying to get IN to heaven im not running for JESUS.

In another halloween episode.........

Mutated DR. Hibbert: "Not all of us were killed in the atomic blast Homer.... Some of us were merely horribly mutated.....a he he he he he."

And later in that same episode.....
Mutant Dr. Hibbert: "I guess among all the maiming, killing and brain eating......... we forgot THE LOVE".
 
Homer in the episode that he was sent away to be a missionary, but starts a casino instead.
Rev. Lovejoy escorts Homer onto a plain and tells him he is going away to be a missionary.
Homer: "...but I don't even believe in Jebus". His planes starts taking off and Homer bangs on the window and screams,"Help me Jebus!"
 
BLANE said:
i like the episode when groundskeeper willie says "grease me up woman"

i also like the one when homer is singing about when he was 17.

"when i was 17...i bought some very good beer, some very good beer i purchased, with a fake id, my name was brian mcgee, i stayed up listening to queen,....when i was 17"
Click to expand...


awesome one!
 
This is one of my favorites of all time....I highly recommend getting the audio mp3 to send to your buddies when their team loses to your team in whatever sport....really pisses them off!


Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!


classic
 
In memory of the late, great Phil Hartman:


Troy McClure: HI. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke yourself thin' and 'Get some confidence, Stupid!
 
Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
----------
Besides, he'd miss part of the Eagles game!
 
This is one of my favorites:

Homer Simpson: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer Simpson: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer Simpson: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh ... ooh ... yeah ... right, Lisa. A wonderful ... magical animal.
 
WOW! Great thread!! How did I ever miss this one!

when Moe sees a big stack of cash
moe: "Holy Shlamoley look at all that kerblingey!"

Rainier Wolfcastle training Homer in the gym in the Powersauce bar episode
Rainier: "Lift this weight while I shout slogans at you!!... Max the envelope!"

The episode where the kids are all standed on the island (parody of lord of the flies) when they all paint their faces and Ralph paints his face like a cat and says "Meow"

homer says "Now I'm not easily impressed but- oooh a red car!!!"

sorry, I can go on and on. I love that show
 
HOMER IN THE GUN STORE

Homer- "I have to wait five days? but I am angry now!!!"

Salesman- "Sorry, that's the rules!"

Homer- "If I had my gun I'd shoot you right now!"

Salesman-"Yea, but you don't!...do you?"

Homer-"(sheepishly) ...no"
 
Where Bart and Lisa go to live at the Flanders' house...(not word for word)

Flanders,
"Time for Nachos Kids! ....... Flanders Style, thats cottage cheese and cucumbers"

also from the same episode,

"To know where Flanders went, I have to think like Flanders. (In Homer's Mind) 'Hi my name is Ned, and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and...' To the Springfield Lake!"
 
Ok, if someone already said it and I missed it, I apologize:

Homer sleeping, mumbling in his sleep:
"Donuts....... Beer.......... boooooooooobies"
as drool runs onto his chin.
 
Ralph "my cats breath smells like cat food"

Homer dialing the number to work to report a melt down "your fingers are too fat, please hang up."

Mr burns "see my vest , see my vest..."

Any one of the old prank calls to moes tavern. I P nightly, amanda huginkiss,
hugh jass, this is hugh jass.....
 
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
Wait a minute...
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Marge picks up the extension and hears:
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

7G03 (Homer's Odyssey)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7G06 (Moaning Lisa)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
Bart laughs

7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)

Bart with Lisa
Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7F15 (Principal Charming)

Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
Oh, no...
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"

7F22 (Blood Feud)

Bart
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
Bart and Lisa laugh

8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II)

Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins
Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute...
Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well

8F08 (Flaming Moe's)

Bart
Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)

Bart
Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
Bart laughs

9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Bart
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room

9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Laura Powers with Bart
Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
Laura and Bart laugh

2F19 (The PTA Disbands)

This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers

3F14 (Homer the Smithers)

Mr. Burns says "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

3F17 (Bart on the Road)

(Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
(Moe) Eura Snotball?
(Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

CABF20 (Homer the Moe)

Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
(Bart) Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
(Homer) (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
(Bart) Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
(Homer) I don't get it
(Bart) Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
(Homer) What's the gag?
(Bart) Oh, forget it...

DABF21 (Helter Shelter)

Bart, sending a telegraph message to Moe's
Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
Oh, do, that little, ooh...
I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!
Bart laughs

FABF13 (The Way We Weren't)

10-year-old Marge calling Homer's camp; Moe answers the phone
(Marge) I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar
(Moe) Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? Ooh...and that's the origin of that.
 
RenegadeRows said:
7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II)

Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins
Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute...
Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well
Click to expand...

One of my favorite lines ever!
 
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