Share Your Favourite Jokes...

As A Mom Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A Strange Buzzing Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She Observed Her Daughter Giving Herself A Real Work Out With A Vibrator. Shocked, She Asked:

What In The World Are You Doing?'

The Daughter Replied: 'mom, I'm Thi Rt Y-five Years Old, Unmarried, And
This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband! Please, Go
Away And Leave Me Alone.'

The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The
Other Side Of The Closed Bedroom Door. Upon Entering The Room, He Observed His Daughter Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator. To His Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said:

'dad I'm Thi Rt Y-five, Unmarried, And This Th Ing Is About As Close As
I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone.'

A Couple Days Later, Mom Came Home From A Shopping Trip, Placed The Groceries On The Kitchen Counter, And Heard That Buzzing Noise Coming From, Of All Places, The Living Room.

She Entered That Area And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch,
Downing A Cold Beer, And Staring At The Tv. The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The Couch, Buzzing Like Crazy.

The Wife Asked: 'what The Hell Are You Doing?'

The Husband Replied:
I'm Watching Football With My Son-in-law
 
VERY INTERESTING STUFF



In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'



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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered

into the English language.



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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.



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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.



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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.



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Coca-Cola was originally green.



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It is impossible to lick your elbow.



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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)



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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age

of eleven:

$ 16,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. In any given hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.



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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.



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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.



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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:



Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.



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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.



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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?



A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?



A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?



A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?



A. All were invented by women.



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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?



A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?



A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'



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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.



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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'



It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'



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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.



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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!



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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.



I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?



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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...



1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.



4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.



5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen



8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.



11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.



14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


Go on, forward this to your friends and try to lick your elbow. You know you want to!
 
Being a dyslexic at school, my English teacher always used to insult my grammar. I said, "you never even met her."
 
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
 
BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start
deporting all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, run!
 
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'It's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' He hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says, and in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has her right there, in front of her parents face.
His girl friend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks to himself. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,'All right, that's enough; I'll do the ****in' dishes!'

:bruce3:
 
Joe Smith started the day early
> >having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot
> >(MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN
> >HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans
> >(MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).> After cooking his
> >breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his
> >calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.> After
> >setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in
> >his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with gas (from Saudi Arabia) and
> >continued his search for a good payin g AMERICAN JOB. > At the end of yet
> >another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In
> >Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE
> >IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on
> >his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good
> >paying job in AMERICA >
 
Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ****."
 
I have an idea to lower teenage pregnancy rates in the UK.

Replace the current sex education in our schools with porn.

It would mean the girls would accept anal as the norm and the boys would know to pull out and come on the girls tits.
 
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
 
You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............





You're listening to your IPod !
 
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like ****.'
 
ouch!

Not a joke but a good read…

The first part is a girl's email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply...

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L! ' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't **** him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad
 
This one had me in stitches!


A young woman is lying on her death bed hopelessy close to her end, her husband enters the room and gently cups her hand to comfort her.

The woman musters her remaining strength and gently whispers "darling i must come clean with you".

The man hushes her, telling her to save her strength.

She continues anyway telling him that she hasn't been entirely faithful to him and informs him of her multiple affairs with his brother, father, sister and uncle.

The man replies "I know darling, why the **** do you think i poisoned you?"
 
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely f **ker is reading this... You hang in there, Sunshine!
 
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience
 
a guy walks into a bar on the second story of a building. he orders a beer, slams it, and says "man, i'm feeling great today. i'm going to jump out of that window, and walk back up here!". a nearby drunk watches the man take a running leap, and jump out the window. the man comes back up the stairs, and orders another beer. he slams this one too, and says "man, that was incredible, i think i'll do that again!" sure enough, he takes a running leap out the window. the man returns back up the stairs.

the drunk in the corner watches this in disbelief, and says "maybe this is my lucky day - i'm going to try this too!" he makes a leap for the window, and falls out, landing dead on the pavement.

the bartender turns to the first man and says "you're a real asshole when you're drunk Superman."
 
ABNRanger said:
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience
Click to expand...

:cheers:
 
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards...
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
 
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!
 
I'm just in a new relationship, which is nice, but theres so much to get used to in a new relationship. Things I forgot about after five years of single life.

Like after sex as we're lying there, I have to keep repeating to myself..."do not hand her cash, do not hand her cash".
 
Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher , iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday:


"I have outlived my pecker".
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight ... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.


'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ****ing blanket..'



After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End


:bruce3:
 
Words of wisdom.

A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your d1ck look bigger.'
 
Once a MARINE always a MARINE
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said;

" Mission Accomplished."
 
Subject: Humor

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
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A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
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One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly.'
=========================================
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyonehere tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age',

Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her, you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

:bruce3:
 
A guy named bill from Philadelphia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job,because he retired from the Sheriff's Office in Philly.

The Manager says, " Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Philadelphia."

Well, the boss liked the guy and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today? The guy says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The guy says "$101,237.65". The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The guy says, "Well, first, I sold him some small fish hooks. Then I sold him some medium fishhooks. Then I sold him some larger fishhooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat departmen t and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The guy said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife", and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing..."
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids,' Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are
you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
 
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life but always promised to refuse a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, and finally concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some donuts.

"Go home, take off your clothes, sit on the floor, legs apart, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull's-eye in your wife's love canal. Then, on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the donuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the entire donut.< BR>
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and again said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them, so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news: "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Okay," said the doctor, "go to the store and buy some oranges and a box of Cheerios . . .."
 
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF Vs. NEW YORK LAWYER



A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Kerrville, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.







The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair.' says the deputy, 'Please exit your vehicle, sir.'

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down sir?'

Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas !!
 
The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!




DANGEROUS

SAFER

SAFEST

ULTRA SAFE


What's for
Dinner?

Can I help you
With dinner?

Where would you like
To go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.


Are you
Wearing that?

You sure
Look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine


What are you
So worked up about?

Could we be
Overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.


Should you be
Eating that?

You know, there are
A lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece
Of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.


What did you
DO all day?

I hope you didn't
Over-do it today.

I've always loved you
In that robe!

Here, have some wine.










13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

And my favorite o ne :

13.Potential Murder Suspect

Forward this information to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh...
And men who need a warning.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The Theory of
Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.



'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A
herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd
is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake
of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And
that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
 
Subject: An actual ad on Craigslist...






> To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
>
> I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you
> demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and
> my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
> earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to
> apologize.
>
> I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after
> you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a
> reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my
> girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
> Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it
> that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating
> weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
>
> I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to
> wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in
> your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up
> leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have
> you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us
> again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as
> you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your
> situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your
> shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's,
> along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet
> itself in a dumpster.
>
> I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be
> on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel
> recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a
> little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that.
> I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about
> to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
> Oh well.
>
> So, about your pants; I know that I was a little rough on you when
> you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it
> up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like
> to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you
> used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or
> powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead
> making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll
> reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be
> so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch
> and laundry. Peace! - Alex
 
A WOMAN'S ENGLISH:
> > 1. Yes = No
> >
> > 2. No = Yes
> >
> > 3. Maybe = No
> >
> > 4. We need = I want.
> >
> > 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
> >
> > 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
> >
> > 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
> >
> > 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
> >
> > 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
> >
> > 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think
about?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A MAN'S ENGLISH:
> >
> >
> > 1. I am hungry = I am hungry
> >
> > 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
> >
> > 3. I am tired = I am tired
> >
> > 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
> >
> > 5. I love you = let's have sex now
> >
> > 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
> >
> > 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
> >
> > 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
> >
> > 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
> >
> > 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
> >
> > 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
> >
> >
> >> > Subject: Fw: Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads
> >
> >
> > DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
> > ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > 40-ish..........................................49
> >
> > Adventurous..............................Slept with everyone
> > Athletic.......................................No tits
> >
> > Average looking.......................Ugly
> > Beautiful...................................Pathological liar
> >
> > Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of pills
> > Emotionally secure..................On medication
> >
> > Feminist......................................Fat
> > Free spirit..................................Junkie
> >
> > Friendship first...........................Former slut
> > Fun..............................................Annoying
> >
> > Old-fashioned.................. .......No BJs
> > Open-minded............................Desperate
> >
> > Outgoing..................................Loud and Embarrassing
> > Passionate................................Sloppy drunk
> >
> > Professional...............................Bitch
> > Voluptuous.................................Very Fat
> >
> > Large frame...............................Hugely Fat
> > Wants Soul mate.......................Stalker
>
 
We live in a retirement community and I've often been asked,

'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

And I say "Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends

who have chemical engineering backgrounds,

And one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer,

wine, scotch,and gin into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!"
 
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty!"

Mom Fainted!!!!!!!!!
 
> Apple does it again..
>
> Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
> that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
>
> The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
>
> This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained
> about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
>
 
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:




Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.





Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.





You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


No wonder men are happier.
 
Face your fears...Live your dreams." A man without dreams, has nothing in life..."

3 WOMEN IN A SAUNA
>
> THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE
> SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
>
> SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
> AND THE
> BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER,"
> SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
>
> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
> TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I
> HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
>
>
> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
> HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST
> AS IMPRESSIVE.
>
> SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE
> BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR
> END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
>
> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........
>
> WELL,
> WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.. I'M GETTING A FAX!!
>
>
>
 
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says,� That�s OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. l can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she
look like?"

�The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look
like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let�s look for yours."
 
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.
When they were growing up; what with walking

Twenty-five miles to school every morning Uphill..barefoot...BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda!!!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that.. I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it !

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all th e way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.'cause that's how we rolled dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy . You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
 
"Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill"

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co.
have combined to market the new mint-flavored
birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major
drug store chains and Walmart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....


"Pre-****-a-mints."
 
Drinks Show Your Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay!
 
What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked,'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment:'Legs.'

Ms Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied:'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks:'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks:What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious andcontains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:
'Coconut.'

The princip al sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks:'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Ha rry:'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks:'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
 
The Sheer Night Gown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy-), 'I have
an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
 
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