Jayhawkk
Legend
Dear employee As a result of the reduction of money budgeted forall department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thuspermitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnelby the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effectimmediately..
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobsoutside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records beforeactual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be calledS.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers)..
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with uppermanagement. Â This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by HigherAuthority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R .P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee whohas received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED bythe company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that thecompany will continue its policy of training employees through our: SpecialHigh Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all of the S.H.I.T. you can stand.. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thuspermitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnelby the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effectimmediately..
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobsoutside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records beforeactual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be calledS.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers)..
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with uppermanagement. Â This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by HigherAuthority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R .P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee whohas received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED bythe company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that thecompany will continue its policy of training employees through our: SpecialHigh Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all of the S.H.I.T. you can stand.. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
