I guess sometimes a very long overdue apology is not good enough I knew that an ex of mine had been long gone and I owed a very big apology to him you know having gastroparesis and having to deal with my own mortality basically has set a lot of things in the motion for me and that is that I probably won't live forever obviously......I probably have maybe 10 years left if I'm lucky I'm tired like I'm just very tired of the can't eat need to eat don't want to eat get sick if I eat you know do we give her a G-tube, do we give her a PICC line, how do we get her to eat so she can survive and it's come to the point where I don't really care anymore like food to me and this is sad but food to me really has no bearing on my life except if I don't eat I know I will die and that's what it comes down to but I try to reach out to someone I did wrong years ago but I ended up getting an email from his wife and I did not email her I did not know he was married I just wanted to simply say I'm so sorry for what I kind of like an alcoholic 12 steps although I'm not an alcoholic it's like my 12 steps of OK who have I wronged how can I fix it and at least how can I say I'm sorry and that's really all I wanted to do and I feel horrible because this woman emailed me last night like midnight about seven times back-and-forth and I'm like please I didn't email you I emailed this person who I guess this is your husband I was just to say that I'm so sorry for how badly I treated him in the past it has nothing to do with him he has not been in contact and the more I did I typed that I feel like the worse I made it so I stopped.
Well the end of the whole thing is she now knows hopefully she'll give my message hopefully he'll accept my apology and whatever happens happens you know I'm OK with the way things are I'm OK if I was to go tomorrow I'm fine I made peace with this about a year ago when I lost a lot of my friends, I lost a lot of my family, it's no fun having a date with someone who can't eat food And so yeah that's a huge deterrent for men who might want to go out with me and I'm OK with that too so anyway that's my rant for the day and I think I will head to the gym later I did have Covid I am on the mend and I can come out today not feeling quite 100% obviously can't eat haven't been eating lost like 12 pounds since I've had Covid for the past week so I'm not sure what my gym routine will be today it might just be as simply riding the bike for 30 minutes just to kind of get back in there but yeah and here we go again with the whole now what do we do either that's my G.I. doctor, my regular doctor, my surgeon all putting your heads together coming up with ideas and then presenting them to me and I'm kinda done with it so we'll see we'll see if they come up with this time.....
Well the end of the whole thing is she now knows hopefully she'll give my message hopefully he'll accept my apology and whatever happens happens you know I'm OK with the way things are I'm OK if I was to go tomorrow I'm fine I made peace with this about a year ago when I lost a lot of my friends, I lost a lot of my family, it's no fun having a date with someone who can't eat food And so yeah that's a huge deterrent for men who might want to go out with me and I'm OK with that too so anyway that's my rant for the day and I think I will head to the gym later I did have Covid I am on the mend and I can come out today not feeling quite 100% obviously can't eat haven't been eating lost like 12 pounds since I've had Covid for the past week so I'm not sure what my gym routine will be today it might just be as simply riding the bike for 30 minutes just to kind of get back in there but yeah and here we go again with the whole now what do we do either that's my G.I. doctor, my regular doctor, my surgeon all putting your heads together coming up with ideas and then presenting them to me and I'm kinda done with it so we'll see we'll see if they come up with this time.....