Sometimes

[toughchick401]

I guess sometimes a very long overdue apology is not good enough I knew that an ex of mine had been long gone and I owed a very big apology to him you know having gastroparesis and having to deal with my own mortality basically has set a lot of things in the motion for me and that is that I probably won't live forever obviously......I probably have maybe 10 years left if I'm lucky I'm tired like I'm just very tired of the can't eat need to eat don't want to eat get sick if I eat you know do we give her a G-tube, do we give her a PICC line, how do we get her to eat so she can survive and it's come to the point where I don't really care anymore like food to me and this is sad but food to me really has no bearing on my life except if I don't eat I know I will die and that's what it comes down to but I try to reach out to someone I did wrong years ago but I ended up getting an email from his wife and I did not email her I did not know he was married I just wanted to simply say I'm so sorry for what I kind of like an alcoholic 12 steps although I'm not an alcoholic it's like my 12 steps of OK who have I wronged how can I fix it and at least how can I say I'm sorry and that's really all I wanted to do and I feel horrible because this woman emailed me last night like midnight about seven times back-and-forth and I'm like please I didn't email you I emailed this person who I guess this is your husband I was just to say that I'm so sorry for how badly I treated him in the past it has nothing to do with him he has not been in contact and the more I did I typed that I feel like the worse I made it so I stopped.

Well the end of the whole thing is she now knows hopefully she'll give my message hopefully he'll accept my apology and whatever happens happens you know I'm OK with the way things are I'm OK if I was to go tomorrow I'm fine I made peace with this about a year ago when I lost a lot of my friends, I lost a lot of my family, it's no fun having a date with someone who can't eat food And so yeah that's a huge deterrent for men who might want to go out with me and I'm OK with that too so anyway that's my rant for the day and I think I will head to the gym later I did have Covid I am on the mend and I can come out today not feeling quite 100% obviously can't eat haven't been eating lost like 12 pounds since I've had Covid for the past week so I'm not sure what my gym routine will be today it might just be as simply riding the bike for 30 minutes just to kind of get back in there but yeah and here we go again with the whole now what do we do either that's my G.I. doctor, my regular doctor, my surgeon all putting your heads together coming up with ideas and then presenting them to me and I'm kinda done with it so we'll see we'll see if they come up with this time.....

 

[Kronic]

so what can you eat? where do you regularly get nutrients from? seems kinda like you'd need everything injectable or transdermal. maybe your tongue could be used as an absorption point and do sublingual nutrition.

 

[toughchick401]

so what can you eat? where do you regularly get nutrients from? seems kinda like you'd need everything injectable or transdermal. maybe your tongue could be used as an absorption point and do sublingual nutrition.

So I can't eat much if I do try to eat I usually end up throwing up which is not fun or it does past her but I'm in such pain that I need to be in our bathroom for the next five hours of my life so that's not really feasible of having a job so what I do is I go to the hospital every Friday the infusion center, I get my iron infusion, my potassium infusion and I get a banana bag and that usually makes me feel pretty good to about Wednesday and I start feeling like **** again and then it happens all over again so this is just a band-Aid that we're putting on until we decide what our next move is I've had in the last year and you with infected I end up a a third to burn's a When you cut a section of G-tube what happens your whole opens up yes it does well stupid decided that she would do that when I told her not to cut the stitch she did and like I said second and third-degree chemical burns all over my stomach I ended up with a colostomy bag over my stomach the whole because she took out the G-tube when I told her not to I told her to replace it with something bigger and she didn't then after that my G.I. doctor refused to put another G2 in but gave me a pick line which goes right into your heart so every night I would hook up an IV bag of nutrients that were made specifically for me by a pharmacist which is Hella expensive and I would run that all night I would disconnect when I got up in the morning and then I will go about my business that word best for me but then I got into an accident and I broke both my wrists my shoulder so I could no longer threat the pump and if you can't thread the pump and you use your line you can't keep your pickle so they pulled the the gl line and here I am eight months nine months later and I'm back down to 120, I can't eat, I just got Covid for the first time last week which has sent me into another tailspin I have a lot of medical issues I guess you could say bottom line lotta medical issues still hit the gym now because I love it not that I do a lot but I do still go to the gym so that is my safe place that is my happy place so for me to answer and won't answer what I eat I don't and I don't say that because I don't want to it's because I can't I've tried every diet, every food, every food combination, every supplement, and I'm tired of spending truckloads of money on **** that doesn't work so I decided just to give it up to what I'm doing my doctors talked about putting palliative care in place for me because nothing seems to work.... but all enough I'm OK with that to be honest and it's not anything more than just simple if I didn't wake up I really wouldn't care like I'd be fine like I've lived in OK life you know I've done I've helped people I've always helped people that's been my you know my job since I was 19 I work in mental health I'm a therapist so I'm OK with it and I know that makes me sound weird maybe but I'm OK with it I've come to terms a long time ago with I'm not fat anymore on tooth fan but the one thing I need to sustain myself I can't have and that's food so yeah so to answer your question there is nothing out there that I can eat that will not make me sick I drink a lot I drink a lot of water with Pedialyte which seems to help but I don't eat

 

[toughchick401]

So I can't eat much if I do try to eat I usually end up throwing up which is not fun or it does past her but I'm in such pain that I need to be in our bathroom for the next five hours of my life so that's not really feasible of having a job so what I do is I go to the hospital every Friday the infusion center, I get my iron infusion, my potassium infusion and I get a banana bag and that usually makes me feel pretty good to about Wednesday and I start feeling like **** again and then it happens all over again so this is just a band-Aid that we're putting on until we decide what our next move is I've had in the last year and you with infected I end up a a third to burn's a When you cut a section of G-tube what happens your whole opens up yes it does well stupid decided that she would do that when I told her not to cut the stitch she did and like I said second and third-degree chemical burns all over my stomach I ended up with a colostomy bag over my stomach the whole because she took out the G-tube when I told her not to I told her to replace it with something bigger and she didn't then after that my G.I. doctor refused to put another G2 in but gave me a pick line which goes right into your heart so every night I would hook up an IV bag of nutrients that were made specifically for me by a pharmacist which is Hella expensive and I would run that all night I would disconnect when I got up in the morning and then I will go about my business that word best for me but then I got into an accident and I broke both my wrists my shoulder so I could no longer threat the pump and if you can't thread the pump and you use your line you can't keep your pickle so they pulled the the gl line and here I am eight months nine months later and I'm back down to 120, I can't eat, I just got Covid for the first time last week which has sent me into another tailspin I have a lot of medical issues I guess you could say bottom line lotta medical issues still hit the gym now because I love it not that I do a lot but I do still go to the gym so that is my safe place that is my happy place so for me to answer and won't answer what I eat I don't and I don't say that because I don't want to it's because I can't I've tried every diet, every food, every food combination, every supplement, and I'm tired of spending truckloads of money on **** that doesn't work so I decided just to give it up to what I'm doing my doctors talked about putting palliative care in place for me because nothing seems to work.... but all enough I'm OK with that to be honest and it's not anything more than just simple if I didn't wake up I really wouldn't care like I'd be fine like I've lived in OK life you know I've done I've helped people I've always helped people that's been my you know my job since I was 19 I work in mental health I'm a therapist so I'm OK with it and I know that makes me sound weird maybe but I'm OK with it I've come to terms a long time ago with I'm not fat anymore on tooth fan but the one thing I need to sustain myself I can't have and that's food so yeah so to answer your question there is nothing out there that I can eat that will not make me sick I drink a lot I drink a lot of water with Pedialyte which seems to help but I don't eat

Gosh I hope you can understand that I'm doing talk to text because I recently ( 8 months ago) broke both my wrists and my shoulder so to type it out is a little tough but I think you can get the general idea.... and no I should not have broken both my wrist s and shoulder but because I'm malnourished my bones are pretty brittle