Sexless marriage!!!

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CopyCat said:
I don't come to that same conclusion from listening to him. I see a person who is concerned about his family and his relationship with his wife. It seems that you fixate on his comments about sex, and don't look at the rest. It should be pretty much a given that the sex part is an easy object for a person to grab onto, hold out, use to demonstrate the situation they are in. After all, it is a basic primal need. I have no doubt, that sex is not the real object of his concern. It is just part of an example of it.
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Thank you! We have been talking allot and I think she understands I love her and I want her to feel good about herself! This in return I believe would get the relationship back on track and sex would come with that! Trust me I have been very quite about her weight for a long time, I tried to make her feel attractive and give her attention and she would push me away in more ways then one. I simply feel like I do not deserve to be in a marriage that I am not happy in, I will do what I can to make this work and if it continues down this path I will make the correct changes, even if it hurts me to death to do so! Like I stated before, doing laundry and dishes gets me nowhere in this situation, it's been tested many times!
 
Well there's only so much you can do :]
 
SlyCamaro said:
I will do what I can to make this work and if ...
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You do what you need to make it work. Big difference.

My marriage was on the outs about 10 years ago. I moved out and got my own place. On the phone with a brother of mine and as I was telling him my situation I went into the same lines as you you did; "I have done all I can..." As the words rolled off my lips my heart was convicted deeply of how selfish I was. I recognized there was a big difference between not being selfish and actually being selfless. I moved home within two days and have been in a continuously deeper and more intimate relationship with my wife ever since. Pray for and with your wife.
 
David Dunn said:
You do what you need to make it work. Big difference.

My marriage was on the outs about 10 years ago. I moved out and got my own place. On the phone with a brother of mine and as I was telling him my situation I went into the same lines as you you did; "I have done all I can..." As the words rolled off my lips my heart was convicted deeply of how selfish I was. I recognized there was a big difference between not being selfish and actually being selfless. I moved home within two days and have been in a continuously deeper and more intimate relationship with my wife ever since. Pray for and with your wife.
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Much respect...
 
rsnake21 said:
This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.
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Amen brother. Truth spoken
 
rsnake21 said:
This is some nonsense if I've ever heard some. Ive been with my wife for 9 years now, we have 3 kids together. What keeps our marriage successful I believe is that we put each others needs ahead of our own. If you put here needs first like you should and she's not doing the same the resentment will no doubt kill your relationship. Don't listen to these doctor Phil type clowns that want blame stuff on the man always. Telling you that you're treating her like an ATM. What foolishness.
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You could be right. I didn't get the impression that he was putting her needs first, or that he even understood what her needs are. Based on his description of her reactions about the housework, she seemed to place low value on the things he was doing. Based on the attitude he reports her giving, it seems plausible that she feels that some deep needs of hers are being unmet.

Granted, she might not be communicating her needs, so he could be frustrated that his guesses are wrong. Welcome to the female mind. I recommend "five love languages", like others have.
 
could be depression or horomone imbalance. is zhe willing to be checked for these issues? i had a friend deal with the exact same thing and turns out it was an imbalance issue and a touch of depression. they sat down talked about it and found alot of things wrong that she never really told him about and she was put on some horomonal meds and depression meds for awhile while she worked through. some things.they are still together .
 
A little update, she has gone to the doctor for some blood work and check her thyroid. She started working out and eating better the last 2 weeks and her attitude seems a bit better. We will see were this goes, as far as the house work and it's my flat crap! Sorry I don't buy it... I don't care if your a woman or a man, self confidence and being happy within your self is on YOU! When someone is not happy with them selves it's impossible to make some one else happy!!!! The house work thing did not work because it does not fix her self esteem problems, it won't help her loose weight or gain her confidence back... I realized she attacks me when I bring this up because it's a way of getting away from the real issue! I told her I am her for her but I can't hold her hand and push her, she needs to WANT changes or there will be no change!
 
mls51112 said:
Okay, so I went back and skimmed over the other posts.

I have been in her situation.

Try: "Hunny, you're beautiful. I love you. You don't have to work out to be attractive to me. I probably expect too much from you, and I'm sorry for pressuring you. I've scheduled a date night for us. And no, it's not because I want sex. I just want you to be happy."

You made vows to love her through sickness and health.. so, follow through with it! Don't expect her to put out right away.. it's going to take some effort on your part.

Don't make her think she has to look perfect and work out - that will only make her resent you more.

Focus on her emotional needs.. and once those are met, I can guarantee you'll get some action.

Make her feel beautiful.. even if she's "over weight" - motivation does not come from criticism.
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I agree. And If she does want to loose weight, which it sounds like it would be great for her confidence (thats why I workout too funnily enough), let it be for her health-dont make the weight an issue. If she wants to join a gym, let her choose the gym. You could join/swap with her and just take her through a light program that is easy. After about two weeks start to give her compliments. If its hard she wont stick too it. When she gets used to it she may want somthing more challenging.



Is it possible you could offer to work out with her?
 
She will not work out with me or around me, for some reason it makes her uncomfortable! We have been together for 10 years and have only been to the gym together 3 times! I did not put any pressure on her at the gym, I left her to do her own thing and told her if she needs help just let me know... So were that comes from is again, self esteem issue and its nothing I caused! Regardless of what this thread my sound like, the things you guys are saying about making for health and telling her she looks good... I do!!!! This is why I have been so frustrated, at this point its not me or what I need to do... This is about her, I cant make her happy! She needs to want to be happy and get in control of what she wants in life! I will be there to support her and help her, but if things dont change this will only go so far. I am hoping for the best, but I also realize that I do not deserve to be a pay check and a punching bag... Thats not a marriage should feel like!!!!
 
SlyCamaro said:
She will not work out with me or around me, for some reason it makes her uncomfortable! We have been together for 10 years and have only been to the gym together 3 times! I did not put any pressure on her at the gym, I left her to do her own thing and told her if she needs help just let me know... So were that comes from is again, self esteem issue and its nothing I caused! Regardless of what this thread my sound like, the things you guys are saying about making for health and telling her she looks good... I do!!!! This is why I have been so frustrated, at this point its not me or what I need to do... This is about her, I cant make her happy! She needs to want to be happy and get in control of what she wants in life! I will be there to support her and help her, but if things dont change this will only go so far. I am hoping for the best, but I also realize that I do not deserve to be a pay check and a punching bag... Thats not a marriage should feel like!!!!
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You know the situation better than anyone. But I Agree. It needs to be two way.
 
Communication and understanding. If you cheat and get caught, just remember your daughter will eventually find out and that may ruin certain aspects of trust with her future relationships (and her view of you). For better of worse... you made that commitment. Sex is important, UBER important, but so is emotional intimacy. It could be as simple as her hormones running crazy after having a child. That happens.
 
Maybe shes cheating?
Do what u have to do. If she doesnt want to have sex and u do. Dont fight and argue about it. U have sex, she doesnt.
 
Iron Fire said:
Communication and understanding. If you cheat and get caught, just remember your daughter will eventually find out and that may ruin certain aspects of trust with her future relationships (and her view of you). For better of worse... you made that commitment. Sex is important, UBER important, but so is emotional intimacy. It could be as simple as her hormones running crazy after having a child. That happens.
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Based on my two son's reaction to their mother's repeated infidelity, I've revised your quote a bit:

"If you cheat you will get caught and your children will find out, that will ruin their relationship with you, that will make them want to create as much distance from you as possible, they will lose all respect for you, and your actions will destroy their ability to fully trust future relationships."

Do not cheat; period.
 
Iron Fire said:
Sex is important, UBER important, but so is emotional intimacy.
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Actually once you recognized that there is much much more to life and marriage than the physical act of sexual gratification you will come to find that emotional intimacy is the most important part of maintaining and sustaining a long and healthy emotionally and sexually fulfilling marriage for both partners.

I used to struggle with thinking that greater sex will produce greater intimacy. So I strove to turn sex into a more grand physical performance. The opposite happened. She was less interested, not uninterested, in sex because it was clear to her that I was not making love to her from my heart but rather using her as a partner in a performance based activity to show her my love. Fail!

Now that I have focused on developing and nurturing a greater intimacy with my wife her desire for me is much greater. The mediocre sex became great sex and the great sex became even more so. There is NO greater trasncending fulfilment within your marriage relationship than true and deep intimacy. My sex life is greater and more fulfilling now than it has ever been. My wife desires me more now than ever because she knows she is not just on the receiving end of my penis but my heart.
 
David Dunn said:
Actually once you recognized that there is much much more to life and marriage than the physical act of sexual gratification you will come to find that emotional intimacy is the most important part of maintaining and sustaining a long and healthy emotionally and sexually fulfilling marriage for both partners.

I used to struggle with thinking that greater sex will produce greater intimacy. So I strove to turn sex into a more grand physical performance. The opposite happened. She was less interested, not uninterested, in sex because it was clear to her that I was not making love to her from my heart but rather using her as a partner in a performance based activity to show her my love. Fail!

Now that I have focused on developing and nurturing a greater intimacy with my wife her desire for me is much greater. The mediocre sex became great sex and the great sex became even more so. There is NO greater trasncending fulfilment within your marriage relationship than true and deep intimacy. My sex life is greater and more fulfilling now than it has ever been. My wife desires me more now than ever because she knows she is not just on the receiving end of my penis but my heart.
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I agree with you my friend... and thats why I am going to give this another chance, but will not continue to live this way! We get there or we dont and I will find that with someone who feels that same passion! End of Story!!! I have one life to live...
 
SlyCamaro said:
I agree with you my friend... and thats why I am going to give this another chance, but will not continue to live this way! We get there or we dont and I will find that with someone who feels that same passion! End of Story!!! I have one life to live...
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There is nothing I can say to alter your thoughts on this; however - as one who has been there - I strongly suggest you do everything you can to make it work. And the "it", is the marriage (not just the sex), because the marriage is the basis for your family. Once that basis is gone, the family is fragmented and, ultimately, the child pays the greatest price (emotional well-being), while the husband usually pays through the nose financially, and yet the wife usually lives at a much lower financial level than does the husband.

While we are at it, because the wife will usually have primary custody of the child, you will be paying both child support and spousal support to her - without having any say on how the money is spent. Even though you are paying spousal support, she may start living with another man (and you can do NOTHING to stop that) who will, in essence, take over day-to-day Dad duty. That she may start living with someone does not necessarily get you out of paying spousal support, either.

Her ability to remarry (as well as yours) may be hindered by the fact that a possible suitor may not want to assume instant family status. That means, she may be receiving spousal support for some time. In California, that is usually 1/2 the length of the marriage, or - if a long term (20+ year) marriage - essentially "forever".

As for child support, you can plan on paying that every month until the later of the child’s 18[SUP]th[/SUP] birthday, or high school graduation. That is a long time for someone else to use your money to raise your child. In my case, my ex used child support to finance vacations and cars that, due to child support and spousal support obligations, I could no longer afford.

For me, the thought of having some other guy raise my children was more than enough motivation to make me tolerate a far-less-than-satisfying (read horrible) sexual relationship - for several years.

Please realize you will be tied to your wife/ex-wife until at least the time the child turns 18. You and she will HATE one another, yet you will have to deal with her several times every month. For years. And years.

Passion and sexual gratification are both important, within the right confines and in the right context.

So is being a Dad.

And having a good sex life usually results from having a good marriage, not the other way around. Even though I feel that I did everything to improve the marriage (and sex), it did not improve. You can't clap with only one hand. But I'll be darned if I didn't do my part, and then a whole bunch more.

I restate my one suggestion: Go to counseling. You cannot afford not to.

If nothing else, would you not want to at least honestly tell your child you did everything possible to maintain the family, and say that truthfully? Explaining that you don’t live with your child because Mommy and I didn’t have enough sex but we didn't go to counseling probably won’t help soothe your child’s broken heart.

Once kids are part of the equation; everything changes.

And that is because, it should.

Oh, and you might want to talk to a few friends (with kids) who are divorced and see how they like the financial impact and not seeing their kids. Better yet, find a church with a divorce recovery workshop and attend just one session as a visitor. You would be amazed.
 
Guys I think some of you misunderstand me somewhat. I am not basing everything off of sex alone, it's just part of it! My wife also makes more money then I do, so if worst case I would only be paying child support. I have no intension of leaving right now, I am going to give this everything I have so if the end does come...I could tell my girl I gave it my all! I come from a broken home, my mom left my dad and gave up on things, she became a drug addict, my dad raised me well! And I forgave my mother, she a sick person... As you get older you understand the truth of things also! I am better off because of my parents split! When does staying together actually hurt your child even more!
 
you gotta leave if she is making no attempts to fix the probelms. better for you and the kids as they aren't dumb and will know things are wrong. like u said give it all you got but remember it takes 2 to make it work and if she isn't. willing to make any effort land down the law tell her ifs over and hire a lawyer to get ready for the court battle.
 
There will come a time when you have to do whats best. My son had the same issues , he took his wife out on a dinner date and simply told her he was done, no more laundry, washing clothes etc. he wanted a wife and mother to their children. She told him no that she was leaving him in two weeks anyway. No matter what he tried nothing worked. Today, he is married to a beautiful woman who has been more of a mother to his children than his ex ever was...!

I know he went all out to fix things, church, etc....but it takes two to work things out. Her half wasn't there and it was over. I wish you the best, I watched the pain he went thru...and it took alot out of him.
 
Thanks for all the relpies brothers, belive me this has actually helped! So thank you all... Can I ask that this thread be deleted at this point?
 
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