Relationship advice

[-MVP-]

I know this really isn’t the place to go to about this sort of thing, but I guess I’m kind of desperate to vent here and I’m not sure what to do at this point. Sorry if this is long.

The summary is I got married young. Her and I started dating in 2008 and got married in 2010. I was 20 and she was 18. We kind of rushed into marriage but I always felt we did love each other. Fast forward and we have three kids today. Last year in 2021, she started seeing someone behind my back and told me she wanted a divorce. She did her best to hide him from me but eventually the truth came out. Before I filed for the divorce, she had moved him into my house while we were just not living together. He didn’t even have a damn job during this time. She wasn’t working a lot either so she told me if I helped her with bills until she got on her feet that we may be able to work it out later.

Now her and I did fight a lot, but mostly over silly things. I put on a lot of weight during the end of our marriage and it developed things like sleep apnea and hypertension. I think this is when she lost interest because when we got married I was very lean and muscular but the stress of a long hours and parenting caused me to lose myself. I put her through college and she graduated in 2021 and it was only a few months later she started cheating. She even told me one time she needed to graduate so she could be financially able to leave me.

I’ve been a complete idiot since all of this and I’ve given her tons of money, been there for her, gave her anything she asked for, etc. and no sooner than our divorce was final she posts in a relationship on Facebook with the guy she cheated on me with. The kids do not like him and feel she pushed him in on them while the scent of my cologne was still in the hallways of our house. They want their dad back and she gets extremely angry when that is mentioned. “I’m not going back to being miserable. I don’t think we could ever work but I don’t know how I’ll feel later on” she says.

She tells me sometimes she doesn’t see their relationship being long term but “things can change” and I feel like it’s mostly over money since he doesn’t make much at all and it seems to her top complaint. He doesn’t need to make much though I guess considering I give her money all the time and she makes good money herself.

My son complains constantly when he’s with me about “mom screaming” when they go into the bedroom together. This is a huge sting because I was never allowed to sleep next to her and she says it’s because of the sleep apnea. During the early part of our marriage, she and I had sex a lot but the last few years it slowed down a lot even though some of it was my porn addiction. It sounds from what the kids say and what she says like they have sex constantly. Their relationship is barely a month old “officially” even though they were sneaking around since April.

She tells me she wants to be with him right now and not me but “doesn’t know how she’s going to feel in the future”. She gives me hope one minute of getting back together someday and the next tells me she only says that so I won’t try to take the kids from her… then a few days will go by and she will say “I only say hurtful things to you because you get pushy when I say things that make you think there’s a chance”.

She tells me she’s not looking for long-term and doesn’t love him. She tells me she doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the future with her and I or him either. We have three kids and he has two. She tells me she would never marry him or anyone else again.

She was literally the perfect woman minus the attitude. She loved working out, tanning, great body, hot blonde, good career, wonderful cook. I don’t see any single guy in the world not drooling over her. She tells me she likes that her new man is laid back and won’t argue back with her. She said he gives her control over everything where when her and I were married she basically depended on me for everything. I think he’s being fake so he can sleep with her and show her off.

Sorry this was so long but now that she’s with him the kids say when he’s there she’s really nice and happy, keeps the house spotless, is a better mom, etc but when he’s gone she’s the same hateful bitter person she was when I was married to her. When her and I are around each other she’s still that person too.

I guess what I’m afraid of is that she actually loves him and wants to be a better person for him OR maybe shes just disguising herself for the time being because she’s more concerned with impressing him than being her true self.

For some reason though, if I go a few days without talking to her she gets upset and says she starts missing me. She found out I had a girl at the house the other night and got really mad and told me “we could never work things out now” and “well you’ve moved on so why should we talk?” I could tell it bothered her but if she’s so happy with her new life why would it?

Another thing is… she still comes to me when she needs something. She comes to me when she needs comfort with something. It’s like she’s more comfortable around me. But even though the kids have expressed their discomfort with the guy she says she’s not ending anything “right now” unless it’s on “her terms or his”.

The whole thing is confusing to me. Right now I just want to work on myself and get back in shape and get financially right again since I let her drain me. But she didn’t even let the seat get cold before she let him sit down.

One thing I do that I know I shouldn’t and she says pushes her away is I question her constantly. I question where their relationship is going, basically beg her back constantly, question their sex life, question how she feels him versus me, and she gets really irritated and always changes her answer which makes me even more uncertain and makes me question her even more.

What do you guys think?

 

[The Solution]

I would 100% swallow the hard pill and move on.
You caught all your own red flags in your own writing.

If you read what you wrote you would see how many times she has screwed you over. As much as it hurts to think this or move on this is very common in today's society. True love is literally a lost art.

Just look at these and re-read them 100 times. I am sure it's hard to truly get out of the mindset you are in, but anyone looking at it from a 3rd person point of view will see how it's counterproductive to your mental health, stress levels, and overall well-being of life.:

She did her best to hide him from me but eventually, the truth came out.
Now her and I did fight a lot, but mostly over silly things. I put on a lot of weight during the end of our marriage and it developed things like sleep apnea and hypertension.
I put her through college and she graduated in 2021 and it was only a few months later she started cheating. --- This is when you should of cut the string

I’ve been a complete idiot since all of this and I’ve given her tons of money, been there for her, gave her anything she asked for, etc. and no sooner than our divorce was final she posts in a relationship on Facebook with the guy she cheated on me with.

This is a huge sting because I was never allowed to sleep next to her and she says it’s because of the sleep apnea.
What other half would never let you sleep next to her?

She tells me she wants to be with him right now and not me
she still comes to me when she needs something.

She is giving you mixed signals and continues to cause you to fall into a big hole of stress.
Is it really worth all the ups and downs?
It is worth your mental mindset to constantly get turned upside down all the time?
Do you always want to have a long-term relationship that doesn't have a happy medium?
Do you want to wake up every day and flip a coin knowing if you will see her good side or bad side?
I know it is tough to give up something you may have invested so much time and effort into, but this one sounds like she is a roll of the dice.

My 2 cents is to move on, and again its not an easy thing to get over with all the years you have put into your relationship, but it just sounds way too shaky for it to truly work out with everything you said.

 

[-MVP-]

I would 100% swallow the hard pill and move on.
You caught all your own red flags in your own writing.

If you read what you wrote you would see how many times she has screwed you over. As much as it hurts to think this or move on this is very common in today's society. True love is literally a lost art.

Just look at these and re-read them 100 times. I am sure it's hard to truly get out of the mindset you are in, but anyone looking at it from a 3rd person point of view will see how it's counterproductive to your mental health, stress levels, and overall well-being of life.:

She did her best to hide him from me but eventually, the truth came out.
Now her and I did fight a lot, but mostly over silly things. I put on a lot of weight during the end of our marriage and it developed things like sleep apnea and hypertension.
I put her through college and she graduated in 2021 and it was only a few months later she started cheating. --- This is when you should of cut the string

I’ve been a complete idiot since all of this and I’ve given her tons of money, been there for her, gave her anything she asked for, etc. and no sooner than our divorce was final she posts in a relationship on Facebook with the guy she cheated on me with.

This is a huge sting because I was never allowed to sleep next to her and she says it’s because of the sleep apnea.
What other half would never let you sleep next to her?

She tells me she wants to be with him right now and not me
she still comes to me when she needs something.

She is giving you mixed signals and continues to cause you to fall into a big hole of stress.
Is it really worth all the ups and downs?
It is worth your mental mindset to constantly get turned upside down all the time?
Do you always want to have a long-term relationship that doesn't have a happy medium?
Do you want to wake up every day and flip a coin knowing if you will see her good side or bad side?
I know it is tough to give up something you may have invested so much time and effort into, but this one sounds like she is a roll of the dice.

My 2 cents is to move on, and again its not an easy thing to get over with all the years you have put into your relationship, but it just sounds way too shaky for it to truly work out with everything you said.

I guess my downfall is I’ve let her convince me it’s all my fault somehow. Here she is snapping me again today and asking why I’m ignoring her telling me it’s “weird” that I won’t answer her. She’s asking me if I’m gonna try to take the kids from her. I have no idea why she thinks this.

Do you think her new relationship is all she’s cracking it out to be? Ours was good I guess for the first 4 years. I just kind of feel like both of them have to be terrible people to find each other that way and it’s a receipe for long term disaster but what scares me is she never truly loved me and actually does love him… or maybe she just loves herself and what fits for her at the moment and can’t think of the future because nothing is ever important enough to last for her since that requires effort? Maybe she’s all about the shine of a new toy and not willing to maintain it.

 

[The Solution]

I guess my downfall is I’ve let her convince me it’s all my fault somehow. Here she is snapping me again today and asking why I’m ignoring her telling me it’s “weird” that I won’t answer her. She’s asking me if I’m gonna try to take the kids from her. I have no idea why she thinks this.

Do you think her new relationship is all she’s cracking it out to be? Ours was good I guess for the first 4 years. I just kind of feel like both of them have to be terrible people to find each other that way and it’s a receipe for long term disaster but what scares me is she never truly loved me and actually does love him… or maybe she just loves herself and what fits for her at the moment and can’t think of the future because nothing is ever important enough to last for her since that requires effort? Maybe she’s all about the shine of a new toy and not willing to maintain it.

Read what I just bolded and underlined. You keep sinking your own ship.
As much as you don't want to let go, sometimes you need to. Everything you keep saying is a downward trend and nothing is positive out of it.
Now you are in denial going back and forth. Do you see how much this is going to toil your long-term mental health?
I would rather see you cut the cord instead of constantly living life in a ball of stress and always waking up and flipping a coin if things will or will not work.

You are literally going to drive yourself up a wall the rest of your life if you keep chasing what you feel is normal

If I were you I would hire professional help for a few sessions or see a psychologist I bet they would tell you to move on. I can't guarantee you that. But it may be a good investment to truly see what you need to do to find happiness.

I don't want to see you live life the rest of your time on earth always wondering why and kept chasing something that was not worth your time. Everything you say just keeps leading you into a dark hole, and it looks like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[-MVP-]

Read what I just bolded and underlined. You keep sinking your own ship.
As much as you don't want to let go, sometimes you need to. Everything you keep saying is a downward trend and nothing is positive out of it.
Now you are in denial going back and forth. Do you see how much this is going to toil your long-term mental health?
I would rather see you cut the cord instead of constantly living life in a ball of stress and always waking up and flipping a coin if things will or will not work.

You are literally going to drive yourself up a wall the rest of your life if you keep chasing what you feel is normal

If I were you I would hire professional help for a few sessions or see a psychologist I bet they would tell you to move on. I can't guarantee you that. But it may be a good investment to truly see what you need to do to find happiness.

I don't want to see you live life the rest of your time on earth always wondering why and kept chasing something that was not worth your time. Everything you say just keeps leading you into a dark hole, and it looks like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I know this is hard to believe but it’s actually gotten better [my mental state] compared to a few months ago. I think at one point she literally drove me crazy. What’s strange is when I cut her off and go a few days without talking to her I start feeling like me again. I think the biggest issue wasn’t how much I loved her but how much I DIDNT love myself. A man who respects himself doesn’t tolerate the things I have allowed myself to tolerate. Makes me wonder if the issue isn’t in how I feel about her but how I’ve allowed myself to feel about me.

I know what you’re saying… it’s almost like I have the answers to my own questions here. Sometimes I feel like if I fixed the problem inside of me and my own brokenness she would probably want to come back but that I’m hesitate in doing that because it would require me to actually let go. Then again would I just be allowing her to break me once again? Probably if nothing changes.

Needless to say at the beginning of the year I felt my life was as close to perfect as it could have been and now it seems like I can’t walk out the door without a bird shitting on me. Feels like God is trying to fix me I guess before I can reach the next chapter of my life. I guess there’s something valuable to be learned from this.

 

[Kronic]

you seem to be entertaining getting back with her. you can't do it because:

1. she cheated and will cheat again
2. you are oozing beta energy by even talking to her about getting back with her. women don't like this. there's no way you could take her back without compromising your integrity and confidence. this would make her more likely to cheat on you again.

I think you should hit the gym, get back in shape, make her beg for you back, **** her if you want (and if she doesn't have STDs now), but don't commit to anything.

 

[-MVP-]

you seem to be entertaining getting back with her. you can't do it because:

1. she cheated and will cheat again
2. you are oozing beta energy by even talking to her about getting back with her. women don't like this. there's no way you could take her back without compromising your integrity and confidence. this would make her more likely to cheat on you again.

I think you should hit the gym, get back in shape, make her beg for you back, **** her if you want (and if she doesn't have STDs now), but don't commit to anything.

This is the ultimate goal, but it’s like I can’t seem to catch a break since I let her kill me financially. I moved back into my old house that is paid off trying to build my money back up. She’s only been with one guy since the split so I doubt she has anything but she keeps telling me the problem wasn’t my appearance as much as my personality. I think my paranoia drove her further away obviously but I think the weight gain played a huge factor in her losing interest in me.

 

[Kronic]

This is the ultimate goal, but it’s like I can’t seem to catch a break since I let her kill me financially. I moved back into my old house that is paid off trying to build my money back up. She’s only been with one guy since the split so I doubt she has anything but she keeps telling me the problem wasn’t my appearance as much as my personality. I think my paranoia drove her further away obviously but I think the weight gain played a huge factor in her losing interest in me.

ya I've gone through periods of time where I consider myself undatable by the quality of woman I want. either because of money or the shape I'm in.

I just put my head down and focus on lifting and making money.

gosh I was single for like 2 years while I recovered from being broke.

I put a squat rack in my apartment, 300lb barbell set, got 3 promotions, did OMAD carnivore to lean out

I've heard bumble is nice for guys online dating because the women message you first.

 

[-MVP-]

ya I've gone through periods of time where I consider myself undatable by the quality of woman I want. either because of money or the shape I'm in.

I just put my head down and focus on lifting and making money.

gosh I was single for like 2 years while I recovered from being broke.

I put a squat rack in my apartment, 300lb barbell set, got 3 promotions, did OMAD carnivore to lean out

I've heard bumble is nice for guys online dating because the women message you first.

haha yeah but the quality of women go down when you’re 250 at 5’8”… and that’s after losing 50 lbs. I have a lot of work to do to be at my full potential. My downfall is I get distracted and feel like I need to move on super fast because it makes me appear weaker than her where she did.

 

[Kronic]

haha yeah but the quality of women go down when you’re 250 at 5’8”… and that’s after losing 50 lbs. I have a lot of work to do to be at my full potential. My downfall is I get distracted and feel like I need to move on super fast because it makes me appear weaker than her where she did.

ya it can be easy to lose your self worth. you just have to remember your potential. imo fat loss is pretty easy if you do fasting. much easier than building muscle. I would avoid fixating on winning her back because you'll probably end up depressed over stuff that happens. also, women tend to really like guys that don't want them for some reason

 

[-MVP-]

ya it can be easy to lose your self worth. you just have to remember your potential. imo fat loss is pretty easy if you do fasting. much easier than building muscle. I would avoid fixating on winning her back because you'll probably end up depressed over stuff that happens. also, women tend to really like guys that don't want them for some reason

I’ve been doing low carb and fasting. Admittedly I haven’t started actually training yet but I’m still losing weight slowly just through diet. I actually weighed 249.6 lbs two days ago for the first time since 2014. I’m trying to hit 200 lbs by summer. I probably would do better with this if I actually got with someone else but the situation I’m in right now makes that difficult.

 

[Kronic]

I’ve been doing low carb and fasting. Admittedly I haven’t started actually training yet but I’m still losing weight slowly just through diet. I actually weighed 249.6 lbs two days ago for the first time since 2014. I’m trying to hit 200 lbs by summer. I probably would do better with this if I actually got with someone else but the situation I’m in right now makes that difficult.

having kids with her definitely complicates things. and I don't have kids so I really don't know what to say about that. I'm just fairly certain she would cheat on you again.

my friend is divorced with kids. he's a bit crazy and on a decent amount of steroids, but he fucks his ex wife regularly and other girls too now

 

[The Solution]

you seem to be entertaining getting back with her. you can't do it because:

1. she cheated and will cheat again
2. you are oozing beta energy by even talking to her about getting back with her. women don't like this. there's no way you could take her back without compromising your integrity and confidence. this would make her more likely to cheat on you again.

nailed it
100% agree
lost cause at this point
Once a cheater always a cheater
Don’t fall for the trap

 

[Mathb33]

you seem to be entertaining getting back with her. you can't do it because:

1. she cheated and will cheat again
2. you are oozing beta energy by even talking to her about getting back with her. women don't like this. there's no way you could take her back without compromising your integrity and confidence. this would make her more likely to cheat on you again.

I think you should hit the gym, get back in shape, make her beg for you back, **** her if you want (and if she doesn't have STDs now), but don't commit to anything.

I have to say I 100% agree with this. Why would you even want to go back with her? You’re giving beta vibes. Get back in shape get your life/**** together and move on. You should never simp and beg for a girl. Never.

 

[-MVP-]

nailed it
100% agree
lost cause at this point
Once a cheater always a cheater
Don’t fall for the trap

she won’t cheat on him though

 

[Kronic]

she won’t cheat on him though

that's not true. why do you think that? just because she doesn't want you back right now? it might take a bit, but if he doesn't have money then she's gonna get rid of him eventually

 

[-MVP-]

that's not true. why do you think that? just because she doesn't want you back right now? it might take a bit, but if he doesn't have money then she's gonna get rid of him eventually

he doesn’t and has no desire to obtain work ethic or her doending habits either

 

[Kronic]

he doesn’t and has no desire to obtain work ethic or her doending habits either

sounds kinda like you being on the back burner might be making her comfortable with it. moms are usually pretty worried about money for their kids.

 

[-MVP-]

sounds kinda like you being on the back burner might be making her comfortable with it. moms are usually pretty worried about money for their kids.

That’s true. I dug my own grave listening to her. She keeps telling me he isn’t long term but then told me recently “if money wasn’t an issue I think he could be”. Right now she’s killing it with bonuses and stuff plus that advance income tax thing. I figure she will do really well with it until around august or September of next year.

 

[The Solution]

that's not true. why do you think that? just because she doesn't want you back right now? it might take a bit, but if he doesn't have money then she's gonna get rid of him eventually

Bingo

OP you are in denial over someone who has screwed you over multiple times. You have a better chance at finding a diamond in the rough. You have to let it go and just swallow the hard pill.
She won’t change and the longer you have feelings for her it’s going to cause you to turmoil.

you really need to take a step back and realize what you are reaching for is out of hindsight and that the longer you chase what isn’t yours it’s wasted time and effort.

 

[Beau]

No one makes another person violate their wedding vows by committing adultery. She did that alone, without you. You did not cause it.

There is a reason behind the phrase "once a liar, always a liar" It is because it is almost always true. To this I will add "once a cheater/adulterer, always a cheater/adulterer".

She has used you enough. That you are allowing this, or condoning it by your actions, seems like something you want to change.

There is a reason behind the phrase "actions have consequences", because they do.

But by continuing to support her financially, you are de-coupling the actions from the consequences.

I have lived this life. My (thankfully) ex-wife had two affairs, 8 years apart. I stayed because I wanted to be a father to my children.

The 2nd affair - she was the director of music ministries at our church, and the affair partner was the choir director.

I filed for divorce, had to find a new church, had to pay a crap-ton of spousal support (in California, they don't care what she did - you still pay). He left his wife and four kids. One of them got hooked on heroin, another committed suicide. Actions have consequences.

Divorcing her was the best thing I could have done. She was and is a evil narcissist. I have stayed away from her, and would not support her unless I was legally obligated to. I respect myself too much to have her in my life, in any way.

Several years later, I married a wonderful lady. She is the complete opposite of the first thing. I believe I was rewarded.

Walk away and stay away. However, I encourage you to support your children, and do not talk badly about their mother. She is bad enough on her own. They will see that, or not - but do not poison the well against her.

Good luck. I am sorry for what you are having to endure.

But - STAY AWAY from her.

 

[Kronic]

That’s true. I dug my own grave listening to her. She keeps telling me he isn’t long term but then told me recently “if money wasn’t an issue I think he could be”. Right now she’s killing it with bonuses and stuff plus that advance income tax thing. I figure she will do really well with it until around august or September of next year.

you shouldn't be so negative about it. it's far from a grave. sounds more liberating than anything. what kind of person can sit there and tell their ex about how they might consider getting back with them. it's basically emotional abuse.

she's the one who is gonna have a hard time dating in the future. mom's have trouble finding new long term relationships, but everyone loves a good dad

 

[-MVP-]

you shouldn't be so negative about it. it's far from a grave. sounds more liberating than anything. what kind of person can sit there and tell their ex about how they might consider getting back with them. it's basically emotional abuse.

she's the one who is gonna have a hard time dating in the future. mom's have trouble finding new long term relationships, but everyone loves a good dad

i think their plan is to get married and start a life together. I can sense he will either have to throw his kids down to please her or there will be fighting over kids because she complains about his kids a lot. She even complains about him to me sometimes. This is less than a month into their “official” relationship.

she tells me she can’t understand why I feel the way I do. It’s almost like she’s never known what love can to do someone. Sometimes I wonder if she’s ever loved anyone other than herself.

 

[The Solution]

Sometimes I wonder if she’s ever loved anyone other than herself.

Our job here is done

 

[Beau]

1. she complains about his kids a lot. She even complains about him to me sometimes.

2. she tells me she can’t understand why I feel the way I do.

1. She can't tell you about him if you do not talk to her. Look up the definition of divorce. Actions have consequences. Stop allowing her to use you.

2. Look up narccisism. She can’t understand why you feel the way you do because she is the only important person in her life and she sees herself as being worthy of adoration. Stop adoring her. Problem solved.

 

[-MVP-]

I went on a relationship forum and women are on there telling me I’m the problem and that she’s happy now and I should be happy for her. I hope what happened to me never happens to them for them to see how full of it they are.

anyway I am taking your guys advice. I’m gonna stop looking for a woman to be a bandaid and learn some self respect again. I’m gonna focus on my diet and exercise and learning to be confident in who I am and learn the self discipline to tell her no and not ask her about her new life. Honestly I’ll let the rotten Apple fall on its own.

I just deleted her on snap. No reason you should have an ex on an app that was pretty much designed to make cheating easier. I’m not going to play the role her boyfriend played when I was with her. I’m going to walk away and fix myself and if she ever does try to come back I’ll remind her that she didn’t want me therefore doesn’t deserve me.

 

[Beau]

It is better to be alone than it is to be with the wrong person.

Trust me.

Do not answer her calls.

Do not answer her texts.

If she needs to communicate, require that she does so via email. It takes a lot more effort and is less spontaneous/emotionally convenient.

Take your power back from her. It was never hers to have, and when she got it - she used it against you.

Users do that.

 

[-MVP-]

It is better to be alone than it is to be with the wrong person.

Trust me.

Do not answer her calls.

Do not answer her texts.

If she needs to communicate, require that she does so via email. It takes a lot more effort and is less spontaneous/emotionally convenient.

Take your power back from her. It was never hers to have, and when she got it - she used it against you.

Users do that.

That’s the part I can’t get past. What kind of person uses someone’s love for them as a way to hurt them and manipulate them? Good things can’t be destined for someone like that.

 

[Renew1]

That’s the part I can’t get past. What kind of person uses someone’s love for them as a way to hurt them and manipulate them? Good things can’t be destined for someone like that.

There's a Lot of Really bad people in this world.
Stay away from them.

 

[-MVP-]

Also, for those suggesting to cut off contact. When I do this or threaten this, she says I’m being “dramatic” and “childish” and says it’s not healthy for the kids.

 

[Renew1]

Also, for those suggesting to cut off contact. When I do this or threaten this, she says I’m being “dramatic” and “childish” and says it’s not healthy for the kids.

LOL.

"Healthy for the kids".
But cheating and Divorce is (apparently) great for kids!!!

Pay no attention to the rot she spews.

 

[-MVP-]

LOL.

"Healthy for the kids".
But cheating and Divorce is (apparently) great for kids!!!

Pay no attention to the rot she spews.

And before we even filed for divorce she made them all lie to me about him staying there. My kids had never lied to me prior to that.

My 9 year old told her he feels she puts him above them because they don’t want him around. He said you forced him on us too soon. She told him she’s going to do what makes her happy and that they have no good reason not to like him.

She’s pathetic.

 

[Beau]

Also, for those suggesting to cut off contact. When I do this or threaten this, she says I’m being “dramatic” and “childish” and says it’s not healthy for the kids.

Having an adulterous relationship wasn't good for the kids (or you) either, but that didn't stop her - SHE did it.

Tearing apart an intact family wasn't good for the kids either, but that didn't stop her - SHE did it.

And yet, you allow this person to judge you? And, worse, you value what she says?

Why do you care if she thinks that you are "dramatic” and “childish”? Why do her opinions or feelings account for anything?

Has she done anything except disregard you and your feelings? The narcissist is never wrong, in the mind of the narcissist. The narcissist is always entitled, in the mind of the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the problem is always someone else.

Do not buy into this crap.

Just do it - cut her off. She is playing you like a fiddle. Do not continue to give her power over you. Just stop, no need to tell her or threaten to do it.

JUST DO IT.

 

[-MVP-]

Having an adulterous relationship wasn't good for the kids (or you) either, but that didn't stop her - SHE did it.

Tearing apart an intact family wasn't good for the kids either, but that didn't stop her - SHE did it.

And yet, you allow this person to judge you? And, worse, you value what she says?

Why do you care if she thinks that you are "dramatic” and “childish”? Why do her opinions or feelings account for anything?

Has she done anything except disregard you and your feelings? The narcissist is never wrong, in the mind of the narcissist. The narcissist is always entitled, in the mind of the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the problem is always someone else.

Do not buy into this crap.

Just do it - cut her off. She is playing you like a fiddle. Do not continue to give her power over you. Just stop, no need to tell her or threaten to do it.

JUST DO IT.

Ya know the sad thing in all of this is when I try to point things like this out to her. She doesn’t listen. She turns her ears off when I explain that what she did and continues to do is wrong. She says “I turn my ears off when you talk like that”. The damn girl won’t even read a long text message. She wants no part in hearing anything she did wrong.

 

[thebigt]

there is a really good saying for this situation---LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE

 

[-MVP-]

there is a really good saying for this situation---LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE

I think that’s part of the reason she doesn’t want me moving. She’s afraid I’ll go to a bigger area where more opportunities are present and more people and that I will actually move on with my life.

 

[Beau]

Ya know the sad thing in all of this is when I try to point things like this out to her. She doesn’t listen. She turns her ears off when I explain that what she did and continues to do is wrong. She says “I turn my ears off when you talk like that”. The damn girl won’t even read a long text message. She wants no part in hearing anything she did wrong.

You are missing key pieces.

"I try to point things like this out to her" - Why are you bothering to tell her anything. The only thing she seems to want pointed at her is the other guy's erection. Stop teaching her. She will never agree.

"She doesn’t listen." - And yet you keep trying - why? And why doesn't she listen? She does not care about what you are saying.

"She turns her ears off when I explain ..." - Why are you wasting your time trying to explain anything to her?

"She says “I turn my ears off when you talk like that”." She is an emotional terrorist - and you keep coming back? Why?

"The damn girl won’t even read a long text message." - Why are you sending them?

"She wants no part in hearing anything she did wrong." - See above - The narcissist is never wrong, in the mind of the narcissist. The narcissist is always entitled, in the mind of the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the problem is always someone else.

In case you do not realize it - you are giving her complete control over you and your emotional well-being.

You should very seriously ask yourself why. That is very unhealthy.

 

[Beau]

I think that’s part of the reason she doesn’t want me moving. She’s afraid I’ll go to a bigger area where more opportunities are present and more people and that I will actually move on with my life.

Then do it.

 

[Kronic]

I went on a relationship forum and women are on there telling me I’m the problem

gaining weight and being addicted to porn is an understandable reason to break up with someone, but never to cheat on them.

were you on Reddit female dating strategy? that place is insane. a lot of women are sexist right now because it's mostly considered socially acceptable. it's not ok though. there's a reason men suicide rate is higher than women

 

[thebigt]

gaining weight and being addicted to porn is an understandable reason to break up with someone, but never to cheat on them.

were you on Reddit female dating strategy? that place is insane. a lot of women are sexist right now because it's mostly considered socially acceptable. it's not ok though. there's a reason men suicide rate is higher than women

lol---i don't think there has been a worse time in American history to be a white male....just sayin

 

[-MVP-]

I talked to my son earlier. He seems to make me think she’s a bigger liar than I thought.

So a few weeks ago she asked me if she bought the kids a puppy if I would give her her money back. I told her I would since it’s for the kids. I gave her the money back and the kids love the dog.

Now my son told me she instructed them not to tell the boyfriend that I bought the dog because “he would not like the dog then”.

I told her my kids do not need to accommodate for his insecurities and that if he got mad over me buying my children a dog he needs to grow up and hit the road. She said she didnt mean it like that, but it was “embarrassing to her” that I bought the dog. She said it would make her look like she couldn’t afford it… I said no, he knows you make good money, it would make it look like the kids dad wanted to buy them a dog.

My son also said one night I called her and he saw it and called me a name. I asked her about it and she denied it and said he’s never said a bad word about anyone. My son insists that the children are aware “he doesnt like me”.

I’m sensing she wants me to think he’s perfect but he has some jealousy issues. Just last week she said he asked her why she talks to me on snap.

 

[kjscatch]

IMO you gotta move on. Easier said then done. Get the custody of the kids figured out and ALWAYS take them during your time. Always do quality things with them. Not just video games and TV. Never talk bad about their Mom. Move on. Get fit and sexy. Work Hard.. Go out and mingle but don't get too drunk where you will do or say something stupid. To help protect yourself, keep data, keep a daily journal of things you do with your kids, things your Ex says, changes or makes you do. But only use if you gotta go to court. Don't throw that info in her face. Be the positive adult in your kids life.

I don't have divorce experience but I do have 3 kids. Kids and Marriage are freaking hard. Another thing I see a lot of is divorce parents (I am a teacher and many of my students parents are divorced and talk to me about it) try to one up each other with presents. Man that turns ugly and turns kids ungrateful or resentful towards the other. Why? I believe it's because not enough quality time is spent with kids. Get off the phones and TV's and go build something, play board games, go fishing. Winter time is hard but as it warms up you will get more opportunities to do things.

Good luck man. Praying for you and your family.

 

[Kronic]

I talked to my son earlier. He seems to make me think she’s a bigger liar than I thought.

So a few weeks ago she asked me if she bought the kids a puppy if I would give her her money back. I told her I would since it’s for the kids. I gave her the money back and the kids love the dog.

Now my son told me she instructed them not to tell the boyfriend that I bought the dog because “he would not like the dog then”.

I told her my kids do not need to accommodate for his insecurities and that if he got mad over me buying my children a dog he needs to grow up and hit the road. She said she didnt mean it like that, but it was “embarrassing to her” that I bought the dog. She said it would make her look like she couldn’t afford it… I said no, he knows you make good money, it would make it look like the kids dad wanted to buy them a dog.

My son also said one night I called her and he saw it and called me a name. I asked her about it and she denied it and said he’s never said a bad word about anyone. My son insists that the children are aware “he doesnt like me”.

I’m sensing she wants me to think he’s perfect but he has some jealousy issues. Just last week she said he asked her why she talks to me on snap.

do everything you can to keep your kids trust. my mom lied to me a lot during the divorce and now I don't talk to her anymore. she can cause a lot of damage with lies.

about him being jealous.. that's normal but he should be understanding about the kids having a dad. that's what happens when you date a mom. either he's just as terrible as her, or she is lying about him not being understanding.

he might be pulling rank because she's a mom, but I doubt he really has much say since she has all the money. she should be able to alpha female advocate for her children

 

[-MVP-]

do everything you can to keep your kids trust. my mom lied to me a lot during the divorce and now I don't talk to her anymore. she can cause a lot of damage with lies.

about him being jealous.. that's normal but he should be understanding about the kids having a dad. that's what happens when you date a mom. either he's just as terrible as her, or she is lying about him not being understanding.

he might be pulling rank because she's a mom, but I doubt he really has much say since she has all the money. she should be able to alpha female advocate for her children

She said what she likes about him is he’s submissive and allows her to be in full control. She said he has no jealous bone in his body and even if she goes somewhere with me or something he never even asks a question about it.

But she sent me nudes and stuff a few weeks ago and when I told him about it she got really mad and told me never contact him again. She also likes talking to me on snap because she’s afraid I’m going to screenshot something. Makes me think he isn’t as laid back and understanding as she lets on.

 

[Kronic]

She said what she likes about him is he’s submissive and allows her to be in full control. She said he has no jealous bone in his body and even if she goes somewhere with me or something he never even asks a question about it.

But she sent me nudes and stuff a few weeks ago and when I told him about it she got really mad and told me never contact him again. She also likes talking to me on snap because she’s afraid I’m going to screenshot something. Makes me think he isn’t as laid back and understanding as she lets on.

man noone except for a cuck fetish would be ok with that. she's lying to both you and new guy I think

 

[-MVP-]

man noone except for a cuck fetish would be ok with that. she's lying to both you and new guy I think

She said when I sent the pics to him all he said was “I’m pissed off but it was before we were official so let’s just drop it” even though they were very much involved. He saw her lie to me countless times over it. He has to know she’s going to do him the same way right? Even though she probably has convinced him she was miserable with me and that’s the only reason she did that.

 

[Renew1]

She said what she likes about him is he’s submissive and allows her to be in full control. She said he has no jealous bone in his body and even if she goes somewhere with me or something he never even asks a question about it.

But she sent me nudes and stuff a few weeks ago and when I told him about it she got really mad and told me never contact him again. She also likes talking to me on snap because she’s afraid I’m going to screenshot something. Makes me think he isn’t as laid back and understanding as she lets on.

Besides making sure your kids are okay, who Cares what/who/how he is??

He's not the enemy.
Sadly, she is.

Because of the kids, you don't want altercations with her.
.... What you need to do, is stop talking to/thinking about (and Definitely Contacting her, except for the kids) her.

She's taking up as much (or more) of your life as she ever did.
She's not your wife, and not a good person.
Cut her out, like a tumor

 

[Kronic]

She said when I sent the pics to him all he said was “I’m pissed off but it was before we were official so let’s just drop it” even though they were very much involved. He saw her lie to me countless times over it. He has to know she’s going to do him the same way right? Even though she probably has convinced him she was miserable with me and that’s the only reason she did that.

a lot of people think that cheaters won't cheat on them. If you feel bad for him, I could see letting him know things, but she's gonna retaliate. and your kids are caught in the middle. starting to sound like you should be going after full custody so they don't get fucked up by her. check if you live in a "one party consent" state for audio recordings. if you do, start recording your calls

 

[-MVP-]

a lot of people think that cheaters won't cheat on them. If you feel bad for him, I could see letting him know things, but she's gonna retaliate. and your kids are caught in the middle. starting to sound like you should be going after full custody so they don't get fucked up by her. check if you live in a "one party consent" state for audio recordings. if you do, start recording your calls

I don’t know how I could prove her unfit though to get custody. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to do that. I just need something more than her affair.

 

[Kronic]

I don’t know how I could prove her unfit though to get custody. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to do that. I just need something more than her affair.

it's also usually harder for a man to get full custody. just remember your kids are more important than you, her, or her fukboi