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My World Is Crashing Around Me

Things I Used To Do For Her:

1. Tell her how much I love her, not just that I love her, but in detail and why.

2. Tell her how beautiful she is. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. Tell her how I love her eyes, the shape of her mouth, her body, her laugh, the way she sleeps, because of how loving and caring she is, how brave and smart she is, etc.

3. Rub her feet and legs with lotion. I used to do this all the time.

4. Give her a warm oil massage.

5. Have a bath ready for her with candles lit around the tub and soothing music on for when she gets home from work.

6. Plan for places to go, or things to do. Instead I've been letting her do this part.

7. Sratch/rub her scalp and lightly tug on her hair, She loves this sensation.

8. Lightly scratch her booty. This is something she will ask me to do, I need to do it without having to be asked.

9. Write her notes and leave them where she can find them after I have left. I used to leave notes in her purse, lunch, on the door, email, text message, etc, of how much I love her, or for her to have a good da, or of how special I thought she was, etc.

10. Sit and just look into her eyes.

11. Make-out with her on the couch without sex being an issue, just because I want to and love her.

12. Dance with her on the livingroom floor.

13. Lay my head on her for no apparent reason.

14. Show affection while in public, ie; kissing, hugging, flirting.

15. Be close to her while we sleep. I always had my hand on her head, feet on her feet, or arm around her, just touching her in general as we slept.

16. Give her a card for no apparent reason, just because I love her.

17. Bring a small gift home for no apparent reason. Be it a flower, or a pen (she likes pens), or a charm for her bracelet, or her favorite shampoo, perfume, etc.

18. Compliment her out of the blue. On her outfit, hair, nails, figure, idea she had, for taking care of the bills, of how proud I am of her, etc.

I used to do these things on a regular basis. I didn't have to be told or asked. I do them now, only every once in a while. This list is a start, and will help me remember how I made her feel and what the times were like when I would do them.
 
Cuffs said:
Things I Used To Do For Her:

1. Tell her how much I love her, not just that I love her, but in detail and why.

2. Tell her how beautiful she is. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. Tell her how I love her eyes, the shape of her mouth, her body, her laugh, the way she sleeps, because of how loving and caring she is, how brave and smart she is, etc.

3. Rub her feet and legs with lotion. I used to do this all the time.

4. Give her a warm oil massage.

5. Have a bath ready for her with candles lit around the tub and soothing music on for when she gets home from work.

6. Plan for places to go, or things to do. Instead I've been letting her do this part.

7. Sratch/rub her scalp and lightly tug on her hair, She loves this sensation.

8. Lightly scratch her booty. This is something she will ask me to do, I need to do it without having to be asked.

9. Write her notes and leave them where she can find them after I have left. I used to leave notes in her purse, lunch, on the door, email, text message, etc, of how much I love her, or for her to have a good da, or of how special I thought she was, etc.

10. Sit and just look into her eyes.

11. Make-out with her on the couch without sex being an issue, just because I want to and love her.

12. Dance with her on the livingroom floor.

13. Lay my head on her for no apparent reason.

14. Show affection while in public, ie; kissing, hugging, flirting.

15. Be close to her while we sleep. I always had my hand on her head, feet on her feet, or arm around her, just touching her in general as we slept.

16. Give her a card for no apparent reason, just because I love her.

17. Bring a small gift home for no apparent reason. Be it a flower, or a pen (she likes pens), or a charm for her bracelet, or her favorite shampoo, perfume, etc.

18. Compliment her out of the blue. On her outfit, hair, nails, figure, idea she had, for taking care of the bills, of how proud I am of her, etc.

I used to do these things on a regular basis. I didn't have to be told or asked. I do them now, only every once in a while. This list is a start, and will help me remember how I made her feel and what the times were like when I would do them.
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Cuffs, I don't know your wife at all and I only know you from this board, so take this as someone who might be talking out his ass.
At first it seemed that (to me) that she was just entering a rut and she was at a loss on what to do about it. But now the more I read the less I am convinced thta it isn't something else. To me it seems that (I am only hearing your-side) that she is a little shallow and immature. She's plastered herself to these material things that mean nothing. For example, her marriage is in it's deaththrows and she is giddy about a purse!!! To me that is someone with their priorities a little out of whack.
 
LCSULLA said:
Cuffs, I don't know your wife at all and I only know you from this board, so take this as someone who might be talking out his ass.
At first it seemed that (to me) that she was just entering a rut and she was at a loss on what to do about it. But now the more I read the less I am convinced thta it isn't something else. To me it seems that (I am only hearing your-side) that she is a little shallow and immature. She's plastered herself to these material things that mean nothing. For example, her marriage is in it's deaththrows and she is giddy about a purse!!! To me that is someone with their priorities a little out of whack.
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You are somewhat right. She was spoiled duirng her upbringing. She'll tell you straight out. She works hard for what she has, but material things are impotant to her. She will tell you this as well. She's 28, 10 years younger than I am. She see's the media world, chick flick world, and in a way wants her life to be like that. She is a very loving and caring person at the same time. She has strong family values, and she has always told me of her strong values of marrige. That is one reason why I'm so floored with the news I received on Monday.

She does need some sort of counselling as well. At first she was telling me it was not on option. Now she's saying she would be willing to consider it.

I have not called her at all. Except for her wakeup call, which she asked for. Each converation gets better-and-better. I don't beg or sound needy. And, I think this has helped. I told her she does need to leave for a while, until I get into my therapy sessions and show I'm in this for the long haul. I could pressure her when she gets home by having flowers waiting, a bath, talk to her, basically work her, and possibly get her to stay. But, how long will that last for? I'm just going to take it day-by-day and do what's best or me at this time.
 
I'm such a dick. I just remembered this. Last week my wife complimented me and I just shrugged it off.

Those of you who know me, know I've got some twigs that hold me up. Well, not quite twigs, but you get the idea. I've been working extremely hard on this area in my training. Well, last week I got out of the shower, put on my boxer briefs and waked through the bedroom. My wife was laying in bed, looking at me. She said, "hey, your legs are getting bigger." I shrugged it off and just said "oh, really" and kept on with what I was doing. What a dick!
 
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Im sorry about the news. Really I AM. And im sorry to say this but the only real plausable explanation that I feel is that she has cheated on you. Dont get close to her until you find out the truth. And dont fall for some bullshit story! Until then, let yourself heal... try some meditation. You prob. think its stupid, but it works if you let it.

I FEEL FOR YOU BRO. Let it heal.
 
Hey Cuffs I haven't read your whole post but I shot a prayer up for you.
I do think that she needs to come clean with you about what really was going on. Like some others have said maybe she didn't do anything but IMHO it sounds like she has put some serious thought into it.
This all scares the hell out of me. I have been married 27 days and in 29 days I leave for OCS for 12 weeks and I will not see my wife not to mention when I get assigned to a sub and will be gone for 6 months out of the year only allowed to cominicate through 200 character emails every 2 weeks. I pray for you and your wife as well as me and mine to be strong through such things.
Peace and good luck
 
This totally makes sense. My wife is a gossip magazine fanatic, and I was thinking about all of this yesterday. Marriage in the celebrity life is made out to look perfect. And my wife see's this with each one of the 10 magazines she receives every month.
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How long do celebrity marriages last?
 
eemain had some damn good points. It's one thing to have personal problems and take care of them but that's no reason to leave a marriage. What seems to me is going on is she wants to take baby steps to ending the marriage. In my experience the people who have a trial separation end up staying separated and the people who decide to work out their problems stay together. I know a guy who thought he and his wife would separate for a while and get back together. He moved out but thought that it would be temporary but it turned out permanent. Now he is miserable and always says he wished he never moved out. However, there is not much you can do if she wants to leave. Again I would talk about this when she gets home as opposed to talking about it on the phone.
 
Cuffs,

I wish only the best for you in this situation, because it has to overwhelmingly suck. Although Ive never been married and my relationships have never been as complex as yours (ie: Kids involved), I can tell you this:

Ive been cheated on before while in a serious relationship. An I know others who have confided in me when their relationships were going downhill. From your description of the way your wife is acting, I would be very careful. I dont think a woman would act this way if there wasnt someone else involved. Even if she's not actually 'seeing' anyone...sometimes women (or people in general) want to have their cake and eat it too, you know? They have a prospective lover on the side, and swear up and down to their boyfriend/girlfriend that nothing is going on. Meanwhile, they string you along because they dont want to loose the security of the relationship, while at the sametime fulfilling what's 'missing' in that relationship by messing around with someone else. And the only reason why they wont let you go is because, generally, they're too scared to make a decision that would end up with them ruining this convenient little situation where they are in control. In the end, everyone gets hurt.

Please forgive me if Im out of line here - you seem like a good guy and all I'm saying is be weary of it. The stuff you said she's done - the way she's acting, putting a lock on her phone, etc. - those would all be red flags to me bro.

Let me through this question out and see how you would all feel about it.

What if you really loved your wife, and you knew something was not right and needed fixed. The two of you separate for some time to reflect on yourselves. During the separation, your wife begins dating different people, basically playing the field, trying to find if the marriage made her happy, or the seeing new people did. After seeing either a few people, or seeing one particular one, she then realizes she wants to remain married and wants to come back.

Here's a couple of senarios to add on:

A) She was never intimate with the others she dated. It was only cordial, maybe some kissing.

B) She was intimate with one person for a few weeks, then decided she was making a mistake.

C) It is never discussed how far the relationships went.

I know C would be the best, but would always be in the back of my mind. If/when an argument would come out, that topic may as well. As would 'B'.

Let me know how you all feel about this. I'm trying to see if I've got my head thinking in the right direction.
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I would want to know everything right down to the very last detail. It would be the only way I could take someone back after being cheated on. I'd want to deal with everything then, and if I couldnt get over it, then I couldnt be with her. Staying with someone after they've detroyed your trust by cheating on you takes a LOT of emotional work on your part. And a lot of work in general by the both of you. After you've forgiven someone for screwing around on you, that's it. You can't bring that **** up again. You have to accept it and move on.

I think there is hope though bro, hang in there. Just dont let yourself get walked on.

BV
 
Just wannna step in here and say it not only the women who expect
"Happily ever after" but we men also... REAL LOVE takes work.. it doesn`t just happen...
after infatuation something else has to be there... I read somewhere that said "In love" was a chemical change that takes place
when we first meet... If this is true then we are high and don`t really know what is going on anyhow:D I remember the overwhelming need to be with my wife all the time and thinking she was perfect and if that ain`t high what is? :think:
 
cuffs i think your problem is that you think by doing things like "buy her flowers... write her poetry" etc whatever, is going to win her love, i disagree. I believe for true love it takes both sides working together for it... and the "work" should be both fun/enjoyable and not take much effort (although I could be wrong since ive never been in love) im not sure, differnt strokes for differernt folks, maybe I am wrong but hopefully it will get you thinking and analyzing your life more

ill send you the info so you know what im talking about

HEAD UP!!
and remember "we fall down so we can get back up"
old chinese proverb - "fall down 7 times stand up 8"
and "character is how far you bounce back up after you hit rock bottom"
 
Well, she called me earlier and said she i feeling much better knowing I am setting up my therapy sessions, and from the talks we have had. She told me she is leaning towards trying to work things out, as long as I stick to trying and things don't go back to the way they were in six months. She told me she is still going to move out for a while for some space. However, she also told me she's going to be at the house during the weekend so we can swim???? Ugh, ths is getting fucking out there.

I honestly believe she was so pissed off at me earlier in the week, she just said "**** it". It's easier to do that when your hours away for 5 days. I think she's starting to see things a little clearer, at least I'm hoping she is.

I don't know, this may be a 1 week thing, a 1 month thing, a 6 month thing, or a "that's all folks" thing. Only time will tell. I am feeling better though.

I received a surprise package today from IBE. I guess they chose me to test their new EctoTropin-6. I had no idea. I won't be using I until my life is in a little better control though.
 
Cuffs my friend, I know exactly how you feel. I will say one thing. If you see no fault in her and only think it is you who needs to change then things are bound to go bad. A failing marriage is the fault of both parties, treat it that way. A year ago i was in your shoes. I got legally seperated on July 4th (independance day :D ) and my divorce will be final on july 6th of this year. For me it was painfull in the beginning but I soon realized that I could be happier on my own. Now I'm dating someone new who is much more like me and things are great. THere is always light at the end of the tunnel, Hang in there.
 
You know ....I cried over these posts!!!! I even thought free protein would help.

I am not a woman who ever gives advice but......One thing that I have learned in 44 years is that the opposite of love is not hate - it is indifference. Her behavior strikes me as indifferent. You sound like a good and decent man. Your description of the Mrs. make her sound young, shallow, selfish and materialistic. REAL grown ups do not behave this selfishly. You need to concentrate on you and your boy!!!! I wish you luck and I got a care package for you if you want, doll face.

Laura
 
im really sorry bro. when things started getting shity with my ex all i could do was sit around and think about all the good times we had and how much i loved her and how i couldnt see my life without her.it was the lowest ive ever been. losing someone you love is to me the hardest thing in the world to deal with. i really hope everything works out for you but if it doesnt be strong man. the pain does go away.little by little but it does.
 
Well I have been reading this thread for the past two days. All I can say is I feel your pay (not exactly to your extent, never being married) but to the point where i have been dating someone for a few years and things started to get worse. In my case it was someone else. She came upfront and told me what was going on, that she was not cheating on me, but was having feelings like she may be missing something, that maybe someone else was better for, that she was interested in someone else. It crushed me to an extent I can't fully explain. Others know the feeling like this, as do you. I cant imagine how you feel, I probably only had a small part of what you feel. For the next few days I never knew I could feel so low, cry like I had, or just not know what to do. Everything I enjoyed in my life no longer was enjoyable. It came down to me sitting in a chair all day contemplating what I should do, wondering if she was out with this guy. Basically being paranoid and depressed.

The week went on and we got together a few times and talked over the phone, everytime we were together it seemed I would just no know what to say or how to act and kept thinking i was making everything worse. I went through the calling all the time, negging her, and so on. I finally came to my senses that I needed to let it go, that I wasn't going to make anything better by constantly bugging her. This point was the point I had finally told myself it was over and I needed to begin to move on and let her go. I basically had givin up at this point.

my friend knowing what was going on decided I needed to get out a bit, cheer me up a bit. So he took me out to a movie. The movie was pretty good and cheered me up a bit. It was walking out of the parking lot that I realized that her car was right by my friends. Knowing she was at the theater too, most likely in the same movie (she had wanted to see it for a while) and knowing most likely she was with the guy. I am just glad I did not see them there, it would have crushed me more. Well I went home and did what I probably shouldn't have, started to drink. About an hour after I had started drinking my phone rang. Much to my suprise it was her, but she was crying. I asked what was going on, basically she sat there crying that she had made a huge mistake, that it was when I really was not there that she realized she really did love me and that she was being a complete a-hole. She sat there and said everything that she had done wrong and how sorry she was for everything. Than at the end asked if i would take her back. We got together the next day and talked over everything that had happened, since I wanted to know all the details before hand, leave no suprises. We got back together and a little over 6 months later we are better than we have ever been. It seems since that day that "sparK" you get with someone has not left. We both enjoy our time together and keep things exciting.

It was when I finally let her be that she realized what she didn't have anymore. When you nag, you are still there for her and she knows she can have you at anytime. Im not saying you need to try and be in control, but leaving her be might be exactly what she needs. Once she realizes you are giving her what she asked for, her space, that you are not there for her beck and call, she may realize what she had. Sometimes people don't realize what they have till they lost it, grass is greener on the other side, but sometimes when you go to check it out you find a dessert instead, and just want back. (stupid analogy, but works good enough)

Basically, i think by leaving her alone you are doing the right thing. Its the hardest thing to do, but in reality it is what gives you the best chances of things working in your favor. I wish you the best of luck in this and hope everything works well. Best wishes.
 
So far it's all you that is changing and taking responsibility. She needs to take responsibility for her actions as well. Otherwise she's going to think all she needs to do is threaten to leave you and you'll roll over like a puppy for a milk bone. You guys need to talk about the way she acted and has been acting as well. It's a two way street. I am sure you did somethings wrong and I sure she did somethings wrong. It's almost like you are saying it's all me let's get back together. If you do that you are setting yourself up for problems in the future.
 
Cuffs,

Just feel the love bro, this sure is one awesome group.

You mentioned your wifey had a fairly serious MVA recently. I may be talking out of my ass, but have you considered the possibility of a residual medical or psychological problem? Post traumatic stress, depression, pain, medication issues to name a few.

Wimpie
 
Here's an update:

My wife arrived home on Friday night. The house was freakin' immaculate, as I had been on a cleaning binge to occupy my mind. I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect or how to act. I helped her unload the car, and in passing, I couldn't look at. As we passed by eachother, she took hold of my arm and began to hug me. I tried to hold back from crying. She took my arms and placed them around her, and I cried like a fucking baby that had it's bottle ripped from him.

We talked for a while, and I spoke straight from my heart. I also told her that if she needed to go, then I understood, I didn't like i, but I understood. She then asked if we could take a night swim. We swam forabout an hour, and talked some more. It was getting pretty late and the plan was for her to go to her mother's. She asked if I minded if she stayed for the night. I told her it was her house as well, and I was not keeping anything from her. I told her I would sleep on the couch, and she could have the room. As I layed on the couch, she came out and asked me to come to bed with her. Basically, we slept holding eachother all night.

We got up the next morning and was in the pool at 8:00am., and talked a lot more. We then made a nice lunch, and talked more. She told me her mother was beginning to act kind of weird towards her, like she didn't want her to leave me out there hanging, string me along. She told me I was looking good, especially with the tan I've been working on. (I'm getting freakin' dark). She asked if I would go to her families 4th of July get-together. One on the 3rd, the other on the 4th. I was hesitant at first. I told her I wouldn't know how to act, and didn't want to be getting mixed signals. I thought to myself, would going make it worse, or would not going make it worse? Since she asked, I told her I would go, but wasn't expecting anything.

We went back swimming, then she called her sister. A short time later my sister-in-law (who has been a big help for me), brother-in-law, niece, and nephew all came over to swim. We had a nice time. Although, I wasn't acting like nothing happened.

Later, she told me her feelings were changing. I think she was so angry before, and she sadi things out of that anger. She told me it was a good sign for her wanting to stay home, spend time and go places with me. She then asked if she could stay the weekend. I told her that would be fine. She told me she would go to her mothers on Monday night. However, I would catch her saying "if I decide", or "if I go", or "I'm not sure if I'm going".

Last night, I was laying on the couch, and she came to me and laid beside me. We then went to bed and held eachother all night again. She told me this feels right to her, and she loves me.

I'm taking this day-by-day. I'm not forcing myself on her, and told her I would give her freedom, up to a certain point. As much as it may sound to an outsider hearing this situation, I know she was not cheating on me. I don't know where this relationship will take us. I'm prepared for the worst. It seems as if things will work out, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. I will still be going to counseling and working on myself.

I'll give an update later on. Thanks again for everyones support here.

And Laura...care packages are always welcome! ;)
 
Cuffs I'm glad the things are heading in the right direction for ya. I would say continue to give her that space and for you continue working on yourself. That shows her that you know there's problems and despite her being back into the relationship your going to continue to grow and improve as an individual. Keep us updated cuffs we all got your back bro.
 
Cuffs, that's great to hear!!

We're stoked for you buddy!! Very excited to see everything seems to be working out alright! :thumbsup:
 
I hope it keeps getting better for you. If everything turns out alright, you guys will probably be better off than before, keeping in mind you both work on what you need to instead of blowing it all off. Just remember this in the future if all goes well, how much you wish you would have kept righting notes, sending her messeges, and buying her flowers. Best of luck to you.
 
Hey bro, I haven't been around in a while. I'm really sorry for you man, I'm all teary eyed and ****. I'm having huge problems with my GF (I know it's a big difference 3 months vs. 7 years+) and a lot of what you are saying about how you used to do a lot and now take things for granted apply to me too. Like for instance I'm 99% sure that my girlfriend loves me, and 100% sure that I love her. But I'm scared to death to say it to her. And I know that's a problem to her, but it's like I just CAN'T bring myself to say it no matter how hard I try. And now she wants to leave, I feel like I have to say it, but I never wanted it to come out of desperation. I wanted to say it when everything was great, but couldn't. I've been thinking about my situation all day, and reading this thread has been a huge help and even inspired me. Good luck with everything bro! :cheers:


Cuffs said:
I'm suck a dick.
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Oh I think you misspelled something in your earlier post. You might wanna edit. :rofl: :hammer:
 
thats probably the best news possible (realistically). I AM HAPPY FOR YOU!!

this could end up being one of the best things to happen to you (think positive). THink about it. YOu took her for granted, as did she, and now you both realise what you have. It's almost like starting over and dating her for the first time. I imagine going to a restaurant, going to a meusem, or whatever will give you that same romantic/loving feeling you once had

just take it day by day, dont expect to much, and think of what you have and how lucky you are

CONGRATS AND KEEP US UPDATED!
 
dude im very happy to hear that things are better. thats the best news ive heard all week bro. you two sound like you love each other a lot and in this world that is a really wonderful thing. good luck and keep us posted.
 
supersoldier said:
dude im very happy to hear that things are better. thats the best news ive heard all week bro. you two sound like you love each other a lot and in this world that is a really wonderful thing. good luck and keep us posted.
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this was me writing. i forgot that i was on super`s screen name.
 
Thanks for bringing that typo to my attention SS. I'm still laughing. I must have had something on my mind, with me being on the receiving end of course...LOL.

Hey bro, I am learning that life is just too short to keep things bottled up inside. Why should we feel that we need to keep things to ourselves, not show others that we as men have emotions as well, and express ourselves without fear. I'm not saying we need to be crying, flaming, over-emotional little bitches. But, telling someone your true feelings should not make you feel like you're a weak person.

This thread has been a great outlet for me to express myself and to take a good look at who I am. I have pretty much put it all out there. If my wife has lost that "feeling" for me, then I will just have to accept it. If she is with me for the wrong reasons, that will do no good for either of us, and I would rather see her happy with someone else.

If this thread helps anyone out there who is going through what I am, then I'm happy. Maybe others will also learn to keep doing those little things that keeps their relationship strong, and to not take their significant other for granted.

We are people. People who learn from the mistakes we make. What we do with what we learn, and how we handle what affects us, be it a positive experience or a negative one, shapes us into who we are, and/or who we can become.

As you can tell, I'm feeling much better about things. Much more optimistic. Plus, I'm cutting, can see some abs and definition, getting tan, and looking like a sexy bitch right now...LOL. :cool:

This is going to be a long week for me. Not as long as last week. That was pure Hell. I don't wish what I went through on anybody.

Anyways, I'll keep you all posted when I can.
 
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This thread has been a great outlet for me to express myself and to take a good look at who I am. I have pretty much put it all out there. If my wife has lost that "feeling" for me, then I will just have to accept it. If she is with me for the wrong reasons, that will do no good for either of us, and I would rather see her happy with someone else.
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That's the way to be bro - glad you're feeling better about things...I really hope things work out for the best and the both of you are happy as you can be. Life is too short to be otherwise.

BV
 
I'm glad things may be working out for you, Cuffs.

Without reading this whole thread, I can say that some of the responses and advice were a bit immature. Advice I would give to you would be different from advice given to a high-schooler just learning about women and their ways. The main reason being- you have a kid! You should do everything in your power to try to keep the relationship together. You have come to the right conclusion (in my experience) that when relationships stumble and even when things are running smoothly everything should be put out on the table. I wouldn't bring up the (possible) cheating, this will come out in one way or another if it is true. Either she will leave you and be with her new guy, or she will admit to you her fault after things are better.
 
Hope it all works out.....But.....


This isn't good. Take care of yourself, don't let your guard down. Stay vigilant(I sound like G. W. Bush) In my experience, it ended long before this, you just need to soften the blow and grow from this, whatever the hell that means.
 
Sir Foxx said:
Hope it all works out.....But.....


This isn't good. Take care of yourself, don't let your guard down. Stay vigilant(I sound like G. W. Bush) In my experience, it ended long before this, you just need to soften the blow and grow from this, whatever the hell that means.
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I think you need to read the past few posts ;) Things are looking up for him right now....
 
I've read it all. I'm sorry to say, in my experience this is not positive. Just a small delay of the negative, hence the warning for self-preservation.
 
Cuffs bro, you really are a man of respect. Sounds like you are on a good path. I am really, truly happy for you man!!

As for "day by day" -- that is the secret to marriage, hey it is the secret to everything. There is nothing else. Life is only "day by day", everything else is just a hope and if you look too far ahead, we're all dead.

Life is now!

And keep growing -- the big trap of marriage is that people stop growing. They stop being able to do the dance that's done when they date -- to go, to grow and to bring back that growth into the relationship so that you can have something new to share with each other.

Sounds like all of these things are happening.
 
Well, my wife is still at the house. We had a nice 4th at our house with her side of the family over. I broke down and had a few beers for the first time in over two years. I got my buzz on, but didn't get drunk. I tried to not over-do it. I'm keeping my guard up a bit, and giving her space. It's she who comes to me and lays with me on the couch, or pats me on the ass, etc. As we laid in bed the other night, she told me this felt right to her.

We talked for about 2 hours last night while in bed. I told her this whole thing is so confusing for me. First she said she was leaving on Friday, then Saturday, then Monday. Yet, she is still here. I told her I don't know how to respond to her, if what I'm doing is too much, or not enough. Is trying to kiss her passionately going to drive her away, or the lack there of? She told me she wants to work things out, but she is still scared. She said she her feelings are at 90%, but wants to be 100%. She said she feels there is just something missing. She said she may still go to her mothers just to get her space, and her head straight.

She told me that she was surprised of the 180 degree turn I did on her. She said I really caught her off-guard. She expected for all her clothes and such to be packed up, or on the front lawn when she arrived home on Friday. She didn't expect for me to seek counselling, and confide my feelings for her to everyone I have spoke to, including her.

This is still going to be a very long road. If this relationship survives, I believe it will become very strong. I truley believe God has given me a wake up call here. If things had gone on with my wife feeling the way she did, then this marriage was heading for doom. With everything out, we have a chance to work on it, to strengthen it. Hopefully it is not too late. But, I'm keeping faith here.
 
Keep the faith alive. I had to end a 5 yr relationship after going through what your wife has been telling you. I had to find out the hard way that my woman was cheating on me. Hang in there, hopefully things will get better.
 
Cuffs said:
Things I Used To Do For Her:

1. Tell her how much I love her, not just that I love her, but in detail and why.

2. Tell her how beautiful she is. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. Tell her how I love her eyes, the shape of her mouth, her body, her laugh, the way she sleeps, because of how loving and caring she is, how brave and smart she is, etc.

3. Rub her feet and legs with lotion. I used to do this all the time.

4. Give her a warm oil massage.

5. Have a bath ready for her with candles lit around the tub and soothing music on for when she gets home from work.

6. Plan for places to go, or things to do. Instead I've been letting her do this part.

7. Sratch/rub her scalp and lightly tug on her hair, She loves this sensation.

8. Lightly scratch her booty. This is something she will ask me to do, I need to do it without having to be asked.

9. Write her notes and leave them where she can find them after I have left. I used to leave notes in her purse, lunch, on the door, email, text message, etc, of how much I love her, or for her to have a good da, or of how special I thought she was, etc.

10. Sit and just look into her eyes.

11. Make-out with her on the couch without sex being an issue, just because I want to and love her.

12. Dance with her on the livingroom floor.

13. Lay my head on her for no apparent reason.

14. Show affection while in public, ie; kissing, hugging, flirting.

15. Be close to her while we sleep. I always had my hand on her head, feet on her feet, or arm around her, just touching her in general as we slept.

16. Give her a card for no apparent reason, just because I love her.

17. Bring a small gift home for no apparent reason. Be it a flower, or a pen (she likes pens), or a charm for her bracelet, or her favorite shampoo, perfume, etc.

18. Compliment her out of the blue. On her outfit, hair, nails, figure, idea she had, for taking care of the bills, of how proud I am of her, etc.

I used to do these things on a regular basis. I didn't have to be told or asked. I do them now, only every once in a while. This list is a start, and will help me remember how I made her feel and what the times were like when I would do them.
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I've been trying to stay out of this topic as I've not been where you are and don't really feel the right to make comment. But now I must speak up.

Not trying to be an ass and this list is great and all.

But, what does she do for YOU?

It's a two-way street man. Is she doing all for you that she once used to and with usual frequency as well?

Additionally, I understand you wanting to seek therapy to help with changing and bettering yourself. I twig. What about her? It's a two-way street. Are you going to tell me she doesn't have some issues she needs sorting out as well?

Why do YOU need to put in all the effort to try and save your marriage? It's a two-way street. The line should be 50/50.

No crapping on you bro. It's a slippery slope. Should the two of you get back together, I can see some resentment from your side that "you did all you could to make it work but she didn't do jack **** and make you think it was completely all your fault". I know that's exactly how I'd feel in a role reversal.

Good luck.
 
Thanks Houseman. Dude, you're not being an ass at all. I appreciate each and every post in here, including yours. Even the fucked ones, with the exception of James007. When I posted that list, it was more for me to remember the things I used to do for her, but lost focus of those small, but important things. It was a good oulet, and a list I can refer to whenever I need.

Don't get me wrong, there are issues she has as well. However, this is more for my healing than hers right now. At first, she refused any type of counselling. Then she told me she would think about it. Well, today she asked if I could set her up with some appointments. We are going to go separately to begin with, then combine the sessions. She knows she has issues as well. She has said she is very confused and doesn't know where she is supposed to be in life. I think she is going through some sort of hormonal change or something. Maybe it's time for some Prozac...LOL.

I know if I get the help to understand this situation, and to fix myself, that it does no good if she goes without. As much as I want this relationship to work, I don't want to be in it if one or both of us is miserable.
 
Hey Cuffs, glad to see things are brightening up for you....sorry for the late response but I am sorry for you having marital problems. If you ever need anyone just holla at me bro. I haven't been around much but I'm still lurking. Hope things work out.
 
Things went very well last night. My wife went out all day, shopping of all things, and I took the day off from work to do some painting I needed to get caught up with. I had a decent workout and when I returned, my wife was home and we went for a swim. I BBQ'd some dinner and we talked some more. We laid in bed watching some television and I messaged her feet, legs and hands with lotion. After lights were out, my wife thanked me for the terrific weekend and she was the one being touchy with me. Seems like she's trying, or beginning to realize she may have jumped the gun on this. Only time will tell for now. I'm back on my eating program. I had kinda put it to the side due to not eating last week, and trying to get my **** straight. No more drinking either, at least until my cycle is over. Although, those beers did taste pretty damn good after not having one in about two years.
 
Just chiming in with my support. From what I've seen on the board, Cuffs, you're a good guy. Sometimes we take things for granted, and I think that goes both ways in a relationship. I think that if you did even half the stuff on that list of what you did for your woman, she should be thrilled to have you as her husband. You have a house, a pool, cars.. what does she want exactly, Hollywood Hills? Women love romance, but how often do they do romantic things for their man?

I think that whatever happened on her end, you're doing what you can on your side to fix things. Now it's her turn. I'm glad to hear things are going better for you, but whatever you do, don't let her walk all over you. Not only do women not respect that, but they take it for granted. Get counseling and talk these issues out. I'm sure that if she is a reasonable woman she will see the errors she has made in this.

Oh and whatever you do, do NOT seriously consider Prozac, Zoloft, or any of those "antidepressant" medications that doctors prescribe like candy. Aside from the side effects, the effect of Prozac and similar medications (SSRIs) is a feeling of general indifference, and that is the opposite of what your wife could use in this situation. Good luck!
 
Sorry I'm late chiming in...

...I've been moving and working like mad, and have had minimal internet access. I had just done a couple of drive-by reads of this thread.

To reiterate to some degree what others have said: based on your personality here (so helpful:thumbsup: ), all the things you so thoughtfully did for her and the humane sensitivity you've revealed in this thread, you seem to be the type of guy most women would die for. If things do not work out, at least you can rest assured that went beyond what most men will ever dedicate to a relationship, and the defect lies in her failure to appreciate, as opposed to some fault of your own. You mentioned that she was very spoiled. Perhaps her failure to appreciate you is a manifestation of her upbringing, and serves as a lesson to all of us in how to raise our own children. If things do not turn out well, perhaps it is in your best interest, as you deserve someone who will appreciate all that you have to offer.

However, I am glad to hear that things seem to be on the mend. Perhaps your wife needed to push herself to the brink of loss in order to see that reinvigorate her love and appreciation for you. Her cold indifference on the phone was facilitated by distance. It sounds like when she encountered you in the flesh the old feelings came back. I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

I would also like to compliment you on the wisdom you have revealed here. So many guys would respond with pure anger or self-destruction. Maybe you missed a ton of meals ;), but I'm talking about the guys who get wasted and violent and further inflame an already painful situation. Instead, you've analyzed and assessed and sought input from a wide range of sources, and I agree that if this relationship survives it will be stronger than ever.

We're here for you bro. Stay strong!
 
Glad to hear things are much better cuffs. I have been praying for you. Just remember that you guys need to talk about her actions as well.
 
Brooklyn said:
Oh and whatever you do, do NOT seriously consider Prozac, Zoloft, or any of those "antidepressant" medications that doctors prescribe like candy. Aside from the side effects, the effect of Prozac and similar medications (SSRIs) is a feeling of general indifference, and that is the opposite of what your wife could use in this situation. Good luck!
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I was talking about Prozac as a joke only. Thanks for looking out though, and thanks for your support.
 
VanillaGorilla said:
Glad to hear things are much better cuffs. I have been praying for you. Just remember that you guys need to talk about her actions as well.
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Thanks VG. The prayers from all have been felt. Also, I'd just like you to know that I'm not ignoring her actions. I'm taking care of myself first. Although I consider her actions as being a result of flagrant immaturity, I can not ignore her feelings on the matter.

See, I'm a person who does not like conflict in my home life. I deal with conflict routinely at work, and have to make split second decisions that affect people. Some it affects in a positive way, others in a negative. So, when I'm home and there's a problem, I'd just rather shrug it off. If it goes away, then it wasn't 'that big of a deal.' I also somewhat believed showing emotions was a sign of weakness in men.

Now, my wife likes to take conflict/problems head on. She wants to talk about it right then and there. If it gets ignored, or 'sweeped under the carpet', there it sits as more-and-more begin to pile up. Once the pile is full, then she's had enough.

Basically, we need to arrive at a happy median. That's one thing I'm working on, and hopefully she follows.
 
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