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Know Any Good Jokes?

CrAzyOttER

Banned
i was drinking the other night and started telling jokes. i then thought to myself " oh god. i`m telling the same jokes i told in high school. how sad." so if you all would like to share some with me so i can look cool agian at parties id be greatful. oh and i have a feeling this thread will prob get bumped to adult but lets see how it go`s........
 
Beelze has posted up some good ones in this section before. I'm sure you could find a couple of them if you search. Or, maybe he'll post up and share a few with us.
 
here ya go:

One Saturday afternoon, a guy was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at him, "You should be hung!"

The guy took a drink of his beer, lifted his sunglasses, and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and calmly replied: "I am. That’s why she cuts the grass."
 
Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!�

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,� Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!� Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well� says Satan, “Monica, you may go.�
 
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds??















Because there is 20 of them.
 
Guy goes to the doctors complaining of a headache

Doc: Do you masturbate?
Guy: Yes, why?
Doc: Magic isn't it!
 
ok this one is in pretty bad taste... apologies in advance...

Guy goes to a doctors:

Guy: Do you have any condoms for my 12yr old daughter?
Doc: Is she sexual active?
Guy: No she just lies there like her mum!
 
A guy and his wife are driving along side the road. Pretty soon the they both see a skunk laying on the side of the road. "We should help it," says the wife. So she puts the skunk in the backseat of the car, and they began driving off the the vetinary clinic. Soon, the skunk begins to shiver. "Awww, the skunk must be cold because he's shivering,"says the wife.
"Put him between your legs," says the husband.
"Well what do I do about the smell? asks the wife.
" Oh, cover his nose!"
 
my fav of all time:

whats black white and red and cant get through a revolving door?




















a nun with a spear through her head.
 
O.K. SJA opened the door. I'm sure everyone's heard all of the Michael Jackson jokes, but here are 2 short ones that seem to have gotten passed over.
What's brown and found in a baby"s diaper?

Michael Jackson's hand!

How do you know when it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand!
 
festus said:
O.K. SJA opened the door. I'm sure everyone's heard all of the Michael Jackson jokes, but here are 2 short ones that seem to have gotten passed over.
What's brown and found in a baby"s diaper?

Michael Jackson's hand!

How do you know when it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand!
Click to expand...


:toofunny: :toofunny:
 
Cursed said:
my fav of all time:

whats black white and red and cant get through a revolving door?


a nun with a spear through her head.
Click to expand...

LOL, I haven't heard that one. The one I always heard was: What's black and white and red all over? A nun falling down a staircase.
 
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
 
:lol: :lol: Even a Bush fan has to laugh at that.


Beelzebub said:
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
Click to expand...
 
OK there's this very hot lady entering this dingy bar. She's wearing heels and a low-cut top, you can see her pierced bellybutton, a HOT girl she is. The place is nearly empty : There's the usual drunk asleep at his table in the corner, old Jack the barman with his long beard, and me at the bar. Anyways, as she enters, we all turn our heads around and have a good look.

She smiles. Oh good, I think to myself, a friendly one, just what I needed. Plus, I'm the only decent guy in the place so hey, this looks good. She turns to Jack and asks where the ladies' room is. Jack, I'm sure has his stomach in butterflies and throat all jammed up, nods his head in the direction of the ladies' room. Funny how that makes his beard swing. As she hurries to the ladies' room, we share a male smirk among us.

She comes out of the ladies' room, heads for the bar. She says, "Hi, I'm Cindy. What's your name?" After he replies, she is at the bar and I can't help but admire how large and firm her breasts are. She tells him, "Jack, would you please lean closer, I would like to tell you something." Jack leans over the bar. "Closer? It's really a secret..." As Jack comes closer, she says "Golly, that is a nice long beard" she reaches for Jack's beard and starts caressing it. I just can't believe my eyes how lucky that bastard is. "Hmm, it is soft!" She is now caressing his beard with both hands. She puts her mouth to his ear and softly whispers "There is no toilet paper in the ladies' room, Jack".
 
ss01 said:
OK there's this very hot lady entering this dingy bar. She's wearing heels and a low-cut top, you can see her pierced bellybutton, a HOT girl she is. The place is nearly empty : There's the usual drunk asleep at his table in the corner, old Jack the barman with his long beard, and me at the bar. Anyways, as she enters, we all turn our heads around and have a good look.

She smiles. Oh good, I think to myself, a friendly one, just what I needed. Plus, I'm the only decent guy in the place so hey, this looks good. She turns to Jack and asks where the ladies' room is. Jack, I'm sure has his stomach in butterflies and throat all jammed up, nods his head in the direction of the ladies' room. Funny how that makes his beard swing. As she hurries to the ladies' room, we share a male smirk among us.

She comes out of the ladies' room, heads for the bar. She says, "Hi, I'm Cindy. What's your name?" After he replies, she is at the bar and I can't help but admire how large and firm her breasts are. She tells him, "Jack, would you please lean closer, I would like to tell you something." Jack leans over the bar. "Closer? It's really a secret..." As Jack comes closer, she says "Golly, that is a nice long beard" she reaches for Jack's beard and starts caressing it. I just can't believe my eyes how lucky that bastard is. "Hmm, it is soft!" She is now caressing his beard with both hands. She puts her mouth to his ear and softly whispers "There is no toilet paper in the ladies' room, Jack".
Click to expand...
:blink: :blink: :think:
 
Why do drivers' edu classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Monday,Wednesdays and Friday????


Becuase on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex edu class uses it.........
 
Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between

them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the

butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage. Bob said, "Are

you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Larry replied,

"Don't worry - just follow me." They went into the pub where Larry

immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Now

you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't

got any money to pay for this!" Larry replied, with a smile," Don't

worry - I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said

"OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees

and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went

berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar,

getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said,

"Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my

knees are killing me!" Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the

sausage at the third bar!"

 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling
scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to
investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he
yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs
the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up
and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and
says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket."

 
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection???

A quarter pounder with cheese


What do you call a whore with a runny nose????

FULL
 
ButterflyBomb said:
Why is there no Disneyland in China???


No one's tall enough to go on the good rides............
Click to expand...
:rofl:

CAUTION CAUTION adult joke, keep scrolling if u dont want to read.















a little girl takes a shower with her mom, she looks up and asks her mom what her pussy hair was , and the mom replied" A sponge"

acouple days later the girls dad wasgoing to wash the dishes and called out" hey wheres the sponge"

the little girl runs in and says:
i saw the next door neighor using it to wash his face
 
Mrs. Gimpy said:
:rofl:

CAUTION CAUTION adult joke, keep scrolling if u dont want to read.















a little girl takes a shower with her mom, she looks up and asks her mom what her pussy hair was , and the mom replied" A sponge"

acouple days later the girls dad wasgoing to wash the dishes and called out" hey wheres the sponge"

the little girl runs in and says:
i saw the next door neighor using it to wash his face
Click to expand...

hahahahaha:food:
 
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
 
Okay - not a joke....but an observation by Gary Shandling.


"You know, my penis is burning. I wonder if someone is talking about it"
 
What is a blondes mating call? "I'm drunk!"

Why do blondes where green lipstick? Because red means stop.

What do you call two nuns and a blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears? She didn't want to get hearing aides.

(No offense to blondes :) )
 
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.



He immediately turns to her and makes his move.



"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."



The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"



"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"



"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"



The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."



"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
 
The Boss was in quandry. He had to fire somebody.

He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an
impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a
coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.


Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss
approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, butI
have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."
 
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:



"Make 'em all ugly again".

 
Guts or Balls????

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.Invalid Link Removed
 
ericnb_98 said:
Guts or Balls????

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.Invalid Link Removed
Click to expand...

funny ****!!! i let my girl read it and she smacked me for laughing.:rofl:
 
Jim: What would you do if you and a guy went camping and got really really drunk and you woke up the next morning and your ass hurt like hell?

Bob: I dont know, id probably be too embarassed to tell anybody.

Jim: Wanna go camping?
 
This one of ericnb_98's posted in another thread was really funny. Here it is


ericnb_98 said:
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
Click to expand...

:toofunny: :toofunny: :toofunny:
 
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two...one to change the lightbulb and one to suck my dick!
 
A Priest and a Rabbi are hanging out on a corner when a cute little boy walks by. The Priest turns to the Rabbi and says hey lets screw him. The Rabbi looks at him, confused, and says "Out of what?"
 
Cold said:
What is a blondes mating call? "I'm drunk!"

Why do blondes where green lipstick? Because red means stop.

What do you call two nuns and a blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears? She didn't want to get hearing aides.

(No offense to blondes :) )
Click to expand...

:icon_lol: :icon_lol:
 
What I find the most humorous about this thread is that CrAzyOttER (aka: Chad) started it 18 months ago, got banned, and is still posting in it today.

That is the funniest **** I have seen around here in a long time :toofunny:

Invalid Link Removed
 
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