It should've been me

[toughchick401]

I had a very good friend who recently passed away from breast cancer that was stage four and had gone off her body, we met years ago when I was teaching preschool special, Ed and she was teaching regular classes.....

Her myself and another woman became instant friends, and every month we meet at the local coffee place and just catch up on stories. None of us were together anymore, but it didn't matter because whenever we sat down and talk to each other, it was like it had no time in past . When she told us that she had cancer she didn't go into how bad that it really was it's only in the past few months I found out how bad it was but yeah, every time I saw her she still had a huge smile on her face always laughing, always, smiling, I don't think I ever remember seeing her cry.

In the week of all that I find myself asking why her or not man she has kids she has a mom she has people that need her and yet here I said, with my chronic illness some days acting like a baby I admit it, but it hurts and it sucks and she never once complained. She never once said whiny she always just said I'm gonna fight till the very end , I think that's what I miss most about her is her positivity and her ability to always make me laugh no matter what it could be about past horrible dating stories, which I told her 1 million of Cuz that's all I've dated is horrible people, or recent work stories, because I work with still with mental health is people at the time and they're crazy. Some of them not all of them, but some of the stories I would tell her if she was like you really should write a book because no one will believe you, so I have to started to pan out a book of all my years at the mental health hospital, which was about 12 years total sum of kid, some of adults but like she said, and I agree, no one will believe half the stories....

But again, I find myself asking why her not me I was ready to go on my mom died. I was if I could've given her anything I would've and I told her that many times I'm like whatever you need if they say you need a kidney a liver, a long a heart I don't care whatever you need you got, and she just will smile at me and say everyone battles to fight But I appreciate it and I truly did mean it I just don't understand why I'm here I don't like I should be here but that's just my own personal thought I don't feel like I should be here and she shouldn't and I think that's the issue I'm having plus they're fighting over where to spread her ashes, but she doesn't help. She told myself and my other friend many times where she wanted it to be and her family is totally disregarding what we said and she didn't write it down. She didn't have a well, so it's gonna be a crap show for the next couple of months because now you have to get into know will who gets what who can't take this who wants to take that it's just a mess...... and in the end, I still don't think I should be here

 

[Darkhorse192]

I dont have much sage advice to offer you. I am sorry you are struggling with this. I empathize with you. I am career military and often get survivor's guilt for many combat engagements where I made it out okay, or mildly injured, and others did not at all. There is no rhyme or reason. Everyone had their own path and journey, and life simply seems cruel and unfair at times.

Do what you can to enjoy your time here, and to make whatever impact you feel you put on this earth to do. Your friend would not want you agonizing over her passing nor wishing it was you. Make her proud, but be the best version of yourself you can be in her absence.

 

[Mikereyn513]

I had a very good friend who recently passed away from breast cancer that was stage four and had gone off her body, we met years ago when I was teaching preschool special, Ed and she was teaching regular classes.....

Her myself and another woman became instant friends, and every month we meet at the local coffee place and just catch up on stories. None of us were together anymore, but it didn't matter because whenever we sat down and talk to each other, it was like it had no time in past . When she told us that she had cancer she didn't go into how bad that it really was it's only in the past few months I found out how bad it was but yeah, every time I saw her she still had a huge smile on her face always laughing, always, smiling, I don't think I ever remember seeing her cry.

In the week of all that I find myself asking why her or not man she has kids she has a mom she has people that need her and yet here I said, with my chronic illness some days acting like a baby I admit it, but it hurts and it sucks and she never once complained. She never once said whiny she always just said I'm gonna fight till the very end , I think that's what I miss most about her is her positivity and her ability to always make me laugh no matter what it could be about past horrible dating stories, which I told her 1 million of Cuz that's all I've dated is horrible people, or recent work stories, because I work with still with mental health is people at the time and they're crazy. Some of them not all of them, but some of the stories I would tell her if she was like you really should write a book because no one will believe you, so I have to started to pan out a book of all my years at the mental health hospital, which was about 12 years total sum of kid, some of adults but like she said, and I agree, no one will believe half the stories....

But again, I find myself asking why her not me I was ready to go on my mom died. I was if I could've given her anything I would've and I told her that many times I'm like whatever you need if they say you need a kidney a liver, a long a heart I don't care whatever you need you got, and she just will smile at me and say everyone battles to fight But I appreciate it and I truly did mean it I just don't understand why I'm here I don't like I should be here but that's just my own personal thought I don't feel like I should be here and she shouldn't and I think that's the issue I'm having plus they're fighting over where to spread her ashes, but she doesn't help. She told myself and my other friend many times where she wanted it to be and her family is totally disregarding what we said and she didn't write it down. She didn't have a well, so it's gonna be a crap show for the next couple of months because now you have to get into know will who gets what who can't take this who wants to take that it's just a mess...... and in the end, I still don't think I should be here

I lost my wife 2 years ago to the same disease. She was only 36...never thought I'd be a widowed husband at 39 years old. You only think of widows as old ladies but I'm a 41 year old bodybuilder who's a widow. There's not a day that goes by thar I don't think i could've done more. I should've spent more time with her, we should've taken that trip or done that activity. I would trade places with her right now if I could. Believe me the world needs more people like her than it does me. I'm not going to tell you this is going to be easy because it's not. I hate when people tell me it'll get better or the classic time heals all wounds. Bullshit. But you will learn to live with it. You have to in order to honor her memory. I remember me and Emily got into a pretty good argument about 6 months before she died when she told me she would want me to move on after she's gone. I was still in denial she was as sick as she was do i was like stop babies you're not going anywhere but she knew she was. So maybe one day I will but who knows. These next few months are going to suck I'm guessing you train that's why you're on this board. All I can say is get into the gym even just to go through the motions. It will help I promise. Feel free to dm me on here if you need any advice because trust me when I tell you I know exactly what you're going through

 

[Nac]

I think one of the biggest, sh1ttiest, worst regrets anyone can have is not living the way they wished theyd had. Or, trying to. It reminds me of Nietzsche's idea of the "eternal recurrence". Anyway...you could live to be 95 and have profound regret; you could live to 25-years-old and be content.

I lost my mother to cancer when I was a kid. That sh1t can fuk you up. But me and my sister adapted, and dont harbour any feelings of unfairness.

Point is, you dont know whats in store for your future. I dont mean something bad could happen, but rather you can manipulate and have a key role in what does happen. At the moment youre looking at your life as it has been, or as you judge it to have been. Dont forget theres also your life that has yet to occur. Do everything you can to make it how youd like it to be.