How Would You React to This?

Beau

Beau

Well-known member
OK guys – I would like your opinion on this situation:

After having the loving crap kicked out of me emotionally by a woman I was married to for a very long time, my (now almost) ex-wife had another affair and I filed for divorce last year. Although it was very hard at first - things have been progressing and, except for my ex-wife’s manipulation of my daughter, I am much better off emotionally (although much worse off financially).

Fast forward - I’ve now been seeing someone exclusively for 5 months. She is a very nice person and claims she really cares for me, loves me, etc. She seems heartfelt. She is very pretty.

So where is the issue?

I recently negotiated a car deal for her (just the deal, it is her money). She bought the car, but needed to take it back to the dealership to have it detailed. When she went to pick up the detailed car at the dealership, it had been delayed - so the salesman who sold the car to her “offered” to take this lady to get something to eat. Say what??

So Lance Romance takes this lady to a hamburger place, where she buys her own food. While they are driving to/from the dealership to the hamburger place, “Lance” comments on how beautiful this ladies’ eyes are. Then he tells her about the wonderful vacations he has taken, and she responds by telling him about a recent trip to Europe. It sounds like a nice bonding experience.

When she tells me all about this, I replied “so how did you like being in the tennis match?”. She looked puzzled and so I explained to her that “Lance” had served the ball over the net to her court (“do you want to get something to eat?”) and she returned his serve by hitting the ball back into his court (by agreeing to go). She looked at me very strangely and said “I feel so naïve”. I told her that many guys do this stuff all the time, and I would have appreciated it if she would have declined his offer. I am certain she would have been hurt if the tides were turned and I had gone out with a 20 or 30 something hottie, and then told her that the hottie commented on how handsome I was.

So, what do you think about this? After being cheated on (during at least two separate affairs) by my ex-wife, I can't help but to cautiously look for red flags, but also I realize that I cannot ascribe my ex-wife’s motives to the new girlfriend.

Would you have been irritated with her if you had been in my shoes?
 
I wouldn't like it.I feel your pain!My first GF cheated on me at 16.I seriously have been ruined ever since.I stay single and wonder if this is partly why.I'm almost positive it's a big influence now that I think about it.Every girl is a heartless whore in my eyes,and all guys are heartless d!cks.(i'm straight,not bi.just saying everyone cheats!)
 
Nothing personal Beau but are you for real? 1st off if you dont like what she did tell her. If you think she is the type to do it again move on. Why in the **** would you think she did not know what she was doing? Because you found out about it. She knew what she was doing was not cool, especially after what you went through. What did she think you would say? Sounds like you had a fun lunch with some guy that wanted to **** you. Bro I am sure you are a soild dude who has his heart in the right place but remember love is blind, you learned that the last time around. What you need to is find out if you a both on the same page with your relationship. If you are more serious than she is it wont work. Remember right now things are better than what you just went through with your x wife BUT dont think this is the best you have ever felt and move in with the new girl.....always a bad move. If the guy at the dealership met you when you took your girl to buy the car and knew you 2 were together well pay him a man to man visit.Good luck bro sounds like you need it.





:saw::saw:
 
I can understand you're hesitation, but the fact that she said she "felt ignorant" could mean it was an honest mistake. I have a severe mistrust for girls, but if you truly care about someone, and believe she cares about you, give her the benefit of a doubt for the first time. If it happens again, then your feeling may be justified, but you can't compare every girl you're with to your ex - you'll never get anywhere. My vote is to be cautious, but be fair. She didn't have to tell you any of this, but she did. She said she felt ignorant, so it could have been completely accidental. Don't let a past bad experience ruin what could be the cure for your sadness.
 
Beau - there are some naive females that are intellectually smart. I'm around really smart girls pretty often (I'm a chemical engineer) - I've seen circumstances sort of like the initial interaction the guy and your GF had where the girl had no clue she was being asked out and the guy was interested.

Don't know if that's the case here - but not all girls are astute in my experience. (At my age - that is.)
 
xtreme1 said:
Nothing personal Beau but are you for real? 1st off if you dont like what she did tell her. If you think she is the type to do it again move on. Why in the **** would you think she did not know what she was doing? Because you found out about it. She knew what she was doing was not cool, especially after what you went through. What did she think you would say? Sounds like you had a fun lunch with some guy that wanted to **** you. Bro I am sure you are a soild dude who has his heart in the right place but remember love is blind, you learned that the last time around. What you need to is find out if you a both on the same page with your relationship. If you are more serious than she is it wont work. Remember right now things are better than what you just went through with your x wife BUT dont think this is the best you have ever felt and move in with the new girl.....always a bad move. If the guy at the dealership met you when you took your girl to buy the car and knew you 2 were together well pay him a man to man visit.Good luck bro sounds like you need it.





:saw::saw:
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A few responses:

I did tell her point blank I wouldn't put up with it; period. I won't - I am never going to be treated like $#it again.

OTOH - She volunteered the information. Unless she told me - I would have never known. That is the only reason there could have been any innocence about it; but even that is a stretch.

I am not going to move in or conclude she is the best thing ever - I still have a long way to go in my own recovery. I am fairly PO'd and may just cut bait.

I wrote my original post the way I did to try to avoid directing anyone in a particular direction; not because I am OK with what she did or that I accept her explanation.
 
jmh80 said:
Beau - there are some naive females that are intellectually smart. I'm around really smart girls pretty often (I'm a chemical engineer) - I've seen circumstances sort of like the initial interaction the guy and your GF had where the girl had no clue she was being asked out and the guy was interested.

Don't know if that's the case here - but not all girls are astute in my experience. (At my age - that is.)
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I have to say that the woman I am referring to seems very naive - and I continue to feel that way after seeing her for 5 months (so it seems any veneer of fake naivete' would have worn through, but maybe not). Brothers, I am keeping an eye peeled for red flags - especially after what f@t @$$ did last year.
 
Beau said:
A few responses:

I did tell her point blank I wouldn't put up with it; period. I won't - I am never going to be treated like $#it again.

OTOH - She volunteered the information. Unless she told me - I would have never known. That is the only reason there could have been any innocence about it; but even that is a stretch.

I am not going to move in or conclude she is the best thing ever - I still have a long way to go in my own recovery. I am fairly PO'd and may just cut bait.

I wrote my original post the way I did to try to avoid directing anyone in a particular direction; not because I am OK with what she did or that I accept her explanation.
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Bro, you said or did nothing wrong. The beauty of life is you have the right to say what you are feeling and feel the way you feel. Its great to forgive just always be aware.
 
xtreme1 said:
Bro, you said or did nothing wrong. The beauty of life is you have the right to say what you are feeling and feel the way you feel. Its great to forgive just always be aware.
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Thanks.

I'll be candid - how could I not have had my foundation of trust in women completely destroyed by my ex? She screwed me over big time; and more than once.

When I get good and pissed, before I do anything I might regret - I try to seek input from others to make sure I am not "killing a mosquito with a sledgehammer". I appreciate your input, as well as the others.

I am very suspicious; not just because I have trouble believing anyone could be so naive - but because I've been burned believing with my heart in the past. Honestly, I am taking all of this very slowly - and will err on the side of not being taken advantage of.
 
Beau said:
Thanks.

I'll be candid - how could I not have had my foundation of trust in women completely destroyed by my ex? She screwed me over big time; and more than once.

When I get good and pissed, before I do anything I might regret - I try to seek input from others to make sure I am not "killing a mosquito with a sledgehammer". I appreciate your input, as well as the others.

I am very suspicious; not just because I have trouble believing anyone could be so naive - but because I've been burned believing with my heart in the past. Honestly, I am taking all of this very slowly - and will err on the side of not being taken advantage of.
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Good luck bro. hey if she does do it again the sledghammer might be a good idea LOL.
 
There are really only three possible scenarios here at work that I can see:

1. She ate with him and all of that in order to come back and tell you about it and see what your reaction was. Perhaps you have pissed her off and didn't realize it, and she is getting back at you. Or she wanted to see if she could make you jealous

3. She knew what she was doing, thought the guy was cute, and wanted to go on a date with him. Then while at lunch maybe she saw someone that you guys know. So she was forced to tell you about it in order to cover her ass.

2. She really is this naive and it was all good on her part. Is she a naive person about people in general?



Worst case scenario she cheated on you. Next worst scenario is that she used this car salesman to emotionally manipulate you/ get back at you. Best case scenario is that she is naive.


Only her and the car salesman knew exactly what was going on. I would go have a talk with him, especially if he knew about you.
 
The way i see it she is not even close to being ready for her to marry you, but its good she at least told you so i wouldn't worry more about the lieing situation. Even then she probably told you because all girls/women love it when guys tell them how beautiful or good they look, they just like to know people are still lookin and there not old and wrinky yet lol =). I'm not saying what she did was right because if you don't like her getting something to eat she needs to know because i wouldn't like that at all, and i think your past probably effected the insecurity with the trust issues, but its all good because im like that to because of girls =(
 
Dadof2 said:
There are really only three possible scenarios here at work that I can see:

1. She ate with him and all of that in order to come back and tell you about it and see what your reaction was. Perhaps you have pissed her off and didn't realize it, and she is getting back at you. Or she wanted to see if she could make you jealous

3. She knew what she was doing, thought the guy was cute, and wanted to go on a date with him. Then while at lunch maybe she saw someone that you guys know. So she was forced to tell you about it in order to cover her ass.

2. She really is this naive and it was all good on her part. Is she a naive person about people in general?



Worst case scenario she cheated on you. Next worst scenario is that she used this car salesman to emotionally manipulate you/ get back at you. Best case scenario is that she is naive.


Only her and the car salesman knew exactly what was going on. I would go have a talk with him, especially if he knew about you.
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Hey maybe shes trying to get a free car :icon_lol:
 
I believe you have over-reacted perhaps quite grossly.

She offered this tidbit of knowledge for what reason? To show you she is desired by others and you should do your best to retain her? You take this as some great offense stemming from your insecurities due to past infidelities which is understandable. But the reality is that she had no interest in this car salesman and planned no future interaction thus she didn't bother to analyze his motives. I suggest you apologize profusely for projecting your insecurities onto her and in doing so insulting her character.

You can certainly explain to her you past and it readily apparent effect on you. But if you continue to search for these improprieties your relationships are doomed to failure.
 
ersatz said:
I believe you have over-reacted perhaps quite grossly.

She offered this tidbit of knowledge for what reason? To show you she is desired by others and you should do your best to retain her? You take this as some great offense stemming from your insecurities due to past infidelities which is understandable. But the reality is that she had no interest in this car salesman and planned no future interaction thus she didn't bother to analyze his motives. I suggest you apologize profusely for projecting your insecurities onto her and in doing so insulting her character.

You can certainly explain to her you past and it readily apparent effect on you. But if you continue to search for these improprieties your relationships are doomed to failure.
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OK, Dude.

Thank you. That is the type of counterpoint I was looking for. I am not perfect; far from it. I most certainly do have insecurities, and realize she isn't the cause of them. Still, at five months (or five years) I have to be careful, because so much of what I believed in the past (people gave and meant their word) has been proven wrong, and caused me and my 22 year old and 20 year old sons such massive hurt, that I (we) are concerned that maybe all women do this; despite knowing they don't. OTOH - she knew how I felt about this type of incidental friendship crap since we met, so to see it now sends up a flag.
 
jmh80 said:
Beau - there are some naive females that are intellectually smart. I'm around really smart girls pretty often (I'm a chemical engineer) - I've seen circumstances sort of like the initial interaction the guy and your GF had where the girl had no clue she was being asked out and the guy was interested.

Don't know if that's the case here - but not all girls are astute in my experience. (At my age - that is.)
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^^^

MY gf gets hit on all the time and doesnt even realize it... shes 'nice to everyone' which makes me laugh bc she'll tell me about something and my reply will be "um yea you know that guys was trying to get in your pants...right?" she's usually dumbfounded bc she thought she was just being nice, she doesnt realize its some hornball dude...

the difference is that we have been together for a while... i know 100% she'd never cheat on me
and if she did.... her loss
yea it hurts, i been there... but thats what an ego is for :lol:
 
Palo Alto Labs said:
^^^

MY gf gets hit on all the time and doesnt even realize it... shes 'nice to everyone' which makes me laugh bc she'll tell me about something and my reply will be "um yea you know that guys was trying to get in your pants...right?" she's usually dumbfounded bc she thought she was just being nice, she doesnt realize its some hornball dude...

the difference is that we have been together for a while... i know 100% she'd never cheat on me
and if she did.... her loss
yea it hurts, i been there... but thats what an ego is for :lol:
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99% of the hot women in the US live in Arizona or Flordia.
 
The onyl wrongdoing I see was done by the car salesman. Perhaps they were just making small talk, but come on the's a sleazy car salesman. I would go punch that guy in the face, ok I wouldn't but I would want to. Perhaps you could have you gf call the dealer and tell them how offended she was at his advacnes and expects more professionalism. They could fire him for his indiscretions. Of course I would probably jsut leave it alone and move on. She knows how you feel so if she continues to do such then she's gotta go.

But honestly, don't be so distrustful as that will only make things worse. If you accuse her of infidelity then it will ultimately only drive her towards it. Sure your ex screwed you over but that's not really your fault. You may think she played you for a fool and in essence you lost the game. But she's the ***** in the wrong and you shouldn't feel so much shame. I know it's easy to say and another matter to do.
 
ReaperX said:
99% of the hot women in the US live in Arizona or Flordia.
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thats true... its so damn easy to score a hot one down here.
any time i visit other parts of the country.. im disappointed by what i see

reaper..can you do a supply/demand chart!
high supply of attractive women in florida = lower cost for men :lol:
 
I appreciate the responses I've read; so thanks to all of you. This situation obviously hit a nerve with me, and brought up a past I never imagined I would have. I realize the new woman isn't the same person (thank God) as my soon-to-be ex-wife.

I've not done anything more than I originally had (expressed displeasure, asked her about the tennis match). For now, I'm accepting this as a innocent thing - we are all afforded one - but if I sense it happening again, I'll just walk away.

I appreciate any additional comments you may have. Keep the therapy session going - it really does help.
 
first Beau, good to see you again. It has been a while, and I am glad to hear that life has progressed nicely thus far since our last conversations

the only advice I would give at this point is to be aware. Your gut will tell you if she is being naive or is playing you. Keep your eyes open
 
Beau said:
I appreciate the responses I've read; so thanks to all of you. This situation obviously hit a nerve with me, and brought up a past I never imagined I would have. I realize the new woman isn't the same person (thank God) as my soon-to-be ex-wife.

I've not done anything more than I originally had (expressed displeasure, asked her about the tennis match). For now, I'm accepting this as a innocent thing - we are all afforded one - but if I sense it happening again, I'll just walk away.

I appreciate any additional comments you may have. Keep the therapy session going - it really does help.
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hehehe,
if I may add one thing, it helps to keep in mind that you've been dating her for less than six months and your divorce isn't even final yet, so even though this is a big deal to you now, a year or two from now it will probably seem very trivial, given the perspective of time.
 
I highly doubt she had any motives, bruv. However, if you keep acting like an insecure hurt puppy, she'll resent it and move on. Think of it like this: if she comes home and tells you this, and you have NO reaction, it gives the impression that you are king ****, because you are. When you tell her "I won't stand for this", it shows your weakness, insecurities, and makes her wonder why you're so protective. If you're good in bed, trustworthy, secure, dominant, it shouldn't matter what other guy she speaks to because when push comes to shove, you are the cat's ass. Now, even if you're not, fake it until you make it.

Women perceive weakness very readily and easily resent it; they want to be with somebody who is secure within their set. When she speaks to another guy your mindset should be "Who cares, she won't find anybody else like me, and if she does, she can kick rocks", and that makes you seem appealing and valuable. If she talks to another guy and your mindset is "What? What is she doing? I'm so pissed!" she's going to wonder if this is your first rodeo.

Once you're in the endzone bruv, act like you've been there before; your girl wants a seasoned vet, not a green rookie.
 
Mulletsoldier said:
I highly doubt she had any motives, bruv. However, if you keep acting like an insecure hurt puppy, she'll resent it and move on. Think of it like this: if she comes home and tells you this, and you have NO reaction, it gives the impression that you are king ****, because you are. When you tell her "I won't stand for this", it shows your weakness, insecurities, and makes her wonder why you're so protective. If you're good in bed, trustworthy, secure, dominant, it shouldn't matter what other guy she speaks to because when push comes to shove, you are the cat's ass. Now, even if you're not, fake it until you make it.

Women perceive weakness very readily and easily resent it; they want to be with somebody who is secure within their set. When she speaks to another guy your mindset should be "Who cares, she won't find anybody else like me, and if she does, she can kick rocks", and that makes you seem appealing and valuable. If she talks to another guy and your mindset is "What? What is she doing? I'm so pissed!" she's going to wonder if this is your first rodeo.

Once you're in the endzone bruv, act like you've been there before; your girl wants a seasoned vet, not a green rookie.
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To add some perspective, I most definitely 'practice what I preach'. You're explaining how much it bothered you that one guy attempted to pick up your attractive partner; well, I'm in a long distance relationship with an incredibly attractive girl who lives 1800 miles away from me, and happens to be a waitress at a popular restaurant inhabited by nothing but filthy oilfield workers - needless to say, she is 'hit on' multiple times daily.

Still, however, I don't question her actions; in fact, I tell her to hustle these poor saps for the money, as they think a big tip equates to a number or some intimate contact. I ask her how many guys hit on her that night, or what was the funniest line she heard at work. I do this, because I know there is no chance in hell that my woman is going to leave me for some grimy little boy who rolls in that restaurant.

I love her, and am simply on the proper end of cat-and-mouse. From the onset, she knew I was as big of a prize as she is; if she cheats, she loses me. By acting in the manner you did, you let your girlfriend feel that you'd lose her. Make sure you're on the right end of that equation, and your girlfriend will laugh at most guys whom hit on her.

In fact, Jess was kicked out of a pub several weeks ago as she was visiting some friends; some dude walked by the bar and put his hands on her, and she landed a nice right cross to his jaw. Like I said, your girlfriend won't want to leave a man for a little boy.
 
Palo Alto Labs said:
thats true... its so damn easy to score a hot one down here.
any time i visit other parts of the country.. im disappointed by what i see

reaper..can you do a supply/demand chart!
high supply of attractive women in florida = lower cost for men :lol:
Click to expand...


Lol. I live in the midwest, and just about every girl I see here is ugly and/or fat. It is a very special occasion to see a decent looking girl. It actually makes my day to see a semi-decent lookin girl (keyword: semi-decent, dosen't even have to be 'decent'.)

When I went to both AZ/FL, the quality of women is much, much better.


I dunno if a high supply of attractive women=lower cost. I might have to disagree with you on that one, cuz it seems like the women in Flordia are gold diggers. (most of them anyway).



I went to Miami back in '06, and there are some very skinny hot looking gold diggers all over these ugly fat guys that were dropping tons of cash at the night clubs @ South Beach.

I think the pricing was:

$280/bottle of Absolute

$300/bottle of Belevadre (sp)

$400/bottle of Gray Goose


.....what a bargain.


I just did a cost benefit analysis for our new flex fuel cars in our agency. Lol, it is actually cheaper to buy unleaded.
 
Nightwanderer said:
hehehe,
if I may add one thing, it helps to keep in mind that you've been dating her for less than six months and your divorce isn't even final yet, so even though this is a big deal to you now, a year or two from now it will probably seem very trivial, given the perspective of time.
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Without question. Good post.
 
Mulletsoldier said:
However, if you keep acting like an insecure hurt puppy, she'll resent it and move on. .... If you're good in bed, trustworthy, secure, dominant, it shouldn't matter what other guy she speaks to because when push comes to shove, you are the cat's ass. Now, even if you're not, fake it until you make it. .... they want to be with somebody who is secure within their set. ....Once you're in the endzone bruv, act like you've been there before; your girl wants a seasoned vet, not a green rookie.
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Some very good points.

I'm really glad I've not gone the insecure puppy route, at least with her (I've been far more open on this forum). I won't reduce myself to being a lap dog; my soon-to-be ex jammed too much of that **** down my throat; no more, no way.

I am very trustworthy, dominant, and in the past I was very secure. We all think we are good in bed; but based on what I've witnessed, I don't think there is an issue there.

The issue was addressed briefly with her on the same day it happened. I've not and won't be bringing this up again to her; that is one of the reasons I turned to this forum, to get the opinions of others without involving her.

It all really boils down to security; I realize that after being betrayed so throughly in the past, I've lost almost all sense of trust and security and, to be honest, a good part of my sense of self worth has taken a right cross squarely on the chin.

But again, you bring up good points.
 
Beau said:
Some very good points.

I'm really glad I've not gone the insecure puppy route, at least with her (I've been far more open on this forum). I won't reduce myself to being a lap dog; my soon-to-be ex jammed too much of that **** down my throat; no more, no way.

I am very trustworthy, dominant, and in the past I was very secure. We all think we are good in bed; but based on what I've witnessed, I don't think there is an issue there.

The issue was addressed briefly with her on the same day it happened. I've not and won't be bringing this up again to her; that is one of the reasons I turned to this forum, to get the opinions of others without involving her.

It all really boils down to security; I realize that after being betrayed so throughly in the past, I've lost almost all sense of trust and security and, to be honest, a good part of my sense of self worth has taken a right cross squarely on the chin.

But again, you bring up good points.
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No, I meant that by confronting her and seeming angry, you were being an insecure puppy. Point in both posts being: if you have everything going for, it doesn't matter whom she talks to.
 
Mulletsoldier said:
No, I meant that by confronting her and seeming angry, you were being an insecure puppy. Point in both posts being: if you have everything going for, it doesn't matter whom she talks to.
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Understood. She brought th information to me, and I responded to her when she asked me what I thought. So, no confrontation by me - just an honest response. And when responding I gave her a poker face, she never knew I was angry. I told her only what I thought, not what I felt. I told her that she played his game, and she could do that whenever she wanted to, but without me. I didn't come across as angry - just that I wasn't willing to go along with it, if that is what she chose to do (that is what I meant when I wrote previously that I told her point blank I wouldn't put up with it).

As with all of us, she can do as she wishes.
 
Mulletsoldier said:
Women perceive weakness very readily and easily resent it; they want to be with somebody who is secure within their set. When she speaks to another guy your mindset should be "Who cares, she won't find anybody else like me, and if she does, she can kick rocks", and that makes you seem appealing and valuable. If she talks to another guy and your mindset is "What? What is she doing? I'm so pissed!" she's going to wonder if this is your first rodeo.
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I always hear this theory and I played it, and it makes sense.
But for me it didn't work out, principle wise I was in the same boat and I played that card, and what ended up happening was the girl tried more and more to get me jealous until I couldn't take it.
Theres only so far you can act like you don't care until you become a masochist in there eyes.



Right now I think if a girl is telling you this stuff she is playing games, she knows it could make you jealous and she is seeing how much she can get away with, the more you give the more she will try to take, until you become a doormat.

I think with some girls you need to let them know what is acceptable and what isn't and if they think your being insecure then get rid of them.
 
Mulletsoldier said:
To add some perspective...
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Just read this post now.

From what you have said, your situation and Beau's situation is a lot different, yours is healthy. But if I didn't know any better I would say Beau's chick is playing jealousy games, and the rule with games is you don't play them at all, you be straight up and let them know its not on, without showing emotion of course.
 
ItsHectic said:
I always hear this theory and I played it, and it makes sense.
But for me it didn't work out, principle wise I was in the same boat and I played that card, and what ended up happening was the girl tried more and more to get me jealous until I couldn't take it.
Theres only so far you can act like you don't care until you become a masochist in there eyes.



Right now I think if a girl is telling you this stuff she is playing games, she knows it could make you jealous and she is seeing how much she can get away with, the more you give the more she will try to take, until you become a doormat.

I think with some girls you need to let them know what is acceptable and what isn't and if they think your being insecure then get rid of them.
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You have to know where and when to apply it, and it's not so much a theory but a mindframe - a state of being. If you play 'mr.nice guy' to attract her, then try and turn on the non-committal act, it won't work.

Your attitude has to be congruent with what you're saying; it cannot be just on and off, or she'll see right through it. This is why this girl in question kept attempting to make you jealous, your actions were more or less transparent. You have to be a confident person, not put on an "I don't care act".

It's not about being rude, or brash, but simply being aware of your worth, and making females aware of that. If you were doing it right, she should have been chasing you, not the other way around.

;)
 
ItsHectic said:
Just read this post now.

From what you have said, your situation and Beau's situation is a lot different, yours is healthy. But if I didn't know any better I would say Beau's chick is playing jealousy games, and the rule with games is you don't play them at all, you be straight up and let them know its not on, without showing emotion of course.
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It's healthy because I confronted the situation in that manner; at first, Jess would just tell me nonchalantly what happened, as Beau's partner did. Instead of acting out, I laughed about it. Which in turn, turned some switches in my girl's head, akin to "if he's not worried, then he obviously is something special", more or less.

As I said, due to the nature of social mating, as the male you'll always, always, always run into compliance tests. This is unavoidable, and it's engrained within the instincts of a female to ensure she has the best partner possible. To do that, you have to roll with the tests.
 
Beau said:
OK guys – I would like your opinion on this situation:

After having the loving crap kicked out of me emotionally by a woman I was married to for a very long time, my (now almost) ex-wife had another affair and I filed for divorce last year. Although it was very hard at first - things have been progressing and, except for my ex-wife’s manipulation of my daughter, I am much better off emotionally (although much worse off financially).

Fast forward - I’ve now been seeing someone exclusively for 5 months. She is a very nice person and claims she really cares for me, loves me, etc. She seems heartfelt. She is very pretty.

So where is the issue?

I recently negotiated a car deal for her (just the deal, it is her money). She bought the car, but needed to take it back to the dealership to have it detailed. When she went to pick up the detailed car at the dealership, it had been delayed - so the salesman who sold the car to her “offered” to take this lady to get something to eat. Say what??

So Lance Romance takes this lady to a hamburger place, where she buys her own food. While they are driving to/from the dealership to the hamburger place, “Lance” comments on how beautiful this ladies’ eyes are. Then he tells her about the wonderful vacations he has taken, and she responds by telling him about a recent trip to Europe. It sounds like a nice bonding experience.

When she tells me all about this, I replied “so how did you like being in the tennis match?”. She looked puzzled and so I explained to her that “Lance” had served the ball over the net to her court (“do you want to get something to eat?”) and she returned his serve by hitting the ball back into his court (by agreeing to go). She looked at me very strangely and said “I feel so naïve”. I told her that many guys do this stuff all the time, and I would have appreciated it if she would have declined his offer. I am certain she would have been hurt if the tides were turned and I had gone out with a 20 or 30 something hottie, and then told her that the hottie commented on how handsome I was.

So, what do you think about this? After being cheated on (during at least two separate affairs) by my ex-wife, I can't help but to cautiously look for red flags, but also I realize that I cannot ascribe my ex-wife’s motives to the new girlfriend.

Would you have been irritated with her if you had been in my shoes?
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You may have very well been a victim of a cheating spouse and that is surely not a nice thing. But I would challenge you to consider how much you think you are progressing and how much you really are.

There is something you are still carrying with you, though a response to a previous pain, that, as long as you don't deal with at the root, will haunt you and all future relationships.

I cannot fathom the depth of captivity one must be in emotionally that they are unable to be free to enjoy themselves and their realtionship without the unhealthy baggage of inherent insecurity and distrust of the other person they are in the relationship with.

Recognize that you may not be progressing the way you NEED to in order to find the healthy relationship you desire.

Good luck.
 
ReaperX said:
Lol. I live in the midwest, and just about every girl I see here is ugly and/or fat. It is a very special occasion to see a decent looking girl. It actually makes my day to see a semi-decent lookin girl (keyword: semi-decent, dosen't even have to be 'decent'.)

When I went to both AZ/FL, the quality of women is much, much better.

I dunno if a high supply of attractive women=lower cost. I might have to disagree with you on that one, cuz it seems like the women in Flordia are gold diggers. (most of them anyway).

I went to Miami back in '06, and there are some very skinny hot looking gold diggers all over these ugly fat guys that were dropping tons of cash at the night clubs @ South Beach.

I think the pricing was:

$280/bottle of Absolute

$300/bottle of Belevadre (sp)

$400/bottle of Gray Goose
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thats sad man.. my idea of a 7/10 is a 11/10 most other places in the country... at the gym at 8pm on a weekday.. theres usually 3-5 gorgeous girls working out... no complaints!

ha and i didnt mean that women are cheaper here, but a 8/10 is dirt here, when she'd be a goddess elsewhere..so her value is less

as long as you avoid south beach and the strips, you can get by pretty cheap.. ive never really bought a girl a drink in my life.. and ive never had issues.
 
B5150 said:
You may have very well been a victim of a cheating spouse and that is surely not a nice thing. But I would challenge you to consider how much you think you are progressing and how much you really are.

There is something you are still carrying with you, though a response to a previous pain, that, as long as you don't deal with at the root, will haunt you and all future relationships.

I cannot fathom the depth of captivity one must be in emotionally that they are unable to be free to enjoy themselves and their realtionship without the unhealthy baggage of inherent insecurity and distrust of the other person they are in the relationship with.

Recognize that you may not be progressing the way you NEED to in order to find the healthy relationship you desire.

Good luck.
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Your response has made me step back an think about things differently. I am holding onto a lot, but I have surrendered a lot already - but there is much more work to do.

Thanks.
 
Beau said:
Your response has made me step back an think about things differently. I am holding onto a lot, but I have surrendered a lot already - but there is much more work to do.

Thanks.
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its good advice...

the best thing i ever did was forgive the lying-cheating-crap of a gf that I had when I was 20. i had all this pent up anger and resentment towards women for a while, because this girl was truly scum.... one night i just let it go and forgave her for it...
funny how much better i felt right after

i lived the mindset that I would always be single... which allowed me to sit back and wait for someone really good to change my mind.. worked nicely, my gf is amazing
dont settle if it isnt 100%
 
Palo Alto Labs said:
its good advice...

the best thing i ever did was forgive the lying-cheating-crap of a gf that I had when I was 20. i had all this pent up anger and resentment towards women for a while, because this girl was truly scum.... one night i just let it go and forgave her for it...
funny how much better i felt right after

i lived the mindset that I would always be single... which allowed me to sit back and wait for someone really good to change my mind.. worked nicely, my gf is amazing
dont settle if it isnt 100%
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Seriously though. I used to trade Bobby these half-assed handjobs for AP and P-Slin, and finally I just said forget it. He knows now that HJs are on the comp and only the Hoover gets him product.
 
Mulletsoldier said:
Seriously though. I used to trade Bobby these half-assed handjobs for AP and P-Slin, and finally I just said forget it. He knows now that HJs are on the comp and only the Hoover gets him product.
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wow...Kenton im not even mad.....your disturbed..lol

how the hell did my good name get dragged in this
 
Mulletsoldier said:
You have to know where and when to apply it, and it's not so much a theory but a mindframe - a state of being. If you play 'mr.nice guy' to attract her, then try and turn on the non-committal act, it won't work.

Your attitude has to be congruent with what you're saying; it cannot be just on and off, or she'll see right through it. This is why this girl in question kept attempting to make you jealous, your actions were more or less transparent. You have to be a confident person, not put on an "I don't care act".

It's not about being rude, or brash, but simply being aware of your worth, and making females aware of that. If you were doing it right, she should have been chasing you, not the other way around.

;)
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Thats true and your right, I was transparent. I was young and stupid and I payed for it.

But I think the way to handle the situation all depends on the context, either show them your worth like you say or communicate that she cant do what she keeps doing.
In a lot of cases chicks do it only to try make the guy jealous and in that case you show your secure by playing it cool, but she pretty much went out on a date with a guy so I would of let her know that wasn't appropriate.

How would you react if one day or night your GF went to a
bar with one of these guys after work and told you this like it was nothing and that they were just friends, or if she just kept bringing up 1 particular guy(without condescending him) in the conversation that frequents the restaurant. Where do you draw the line?
 
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**** TEST FAILED!!

She told you about the salesman to get a reaction out of you (which would stem from jelousy, thus, insecurity... and insecurity isn't very "secure" -lol)

She said "Jump",.. and you asked "How high?"

The correct response would have been "So where's MY lunch??"

Women (esp. attractiove ones) livew in a different world. Their nieve about things like this becasue all their life, they've gotten some sort of special treatment. "It's just how guys are" to them.

Anyways, It's not a fatel move, but unless you change some things, your going to make YO"UR abandonment issues (yes, I said abandonment issues, becasue theats what they kinda are) HERS. ,.. and that will make them YOURS again. Its a self fullfilling prophecy.

Not tring to be an ass here, Im just running late this morning and want to help before I go.

If she KNOWS she has you securlly, she doesnt have to work to keep you. Its less investment on her part. The one with the less investment wins.
I dont want to hear about all the other times you "manned up and told her" stuff, becasue all that lost creadibility when you lost your composuer over,.. wait for it,.. wait for it,. the car salesman. He could have been Brad Pitt for all I care, and if she thought YOU were more valuable, she would have stayed away from him.

You can not make rules flat out about never doing things with women. Many times, they live in the moment off emotion. So that "never do that again" things just makes you look weak.

A man who knows his worth would have laughed at this to her, and gave a more fitting response, naturally.

I'd almost bet my paycheck you WILL see this "test" again in the very near future. I hope you pass next time.

Good luck bro
:duel:
 
ReaperX said:
Lol. I live in the midwest, and just about every girl I see here is ugly and/or fat. It is a very special occasion to see a decent looking girl. It actually makes my day to see a semi-decent lookin girl (keyword: semi-decent, dosen't even have to be 'decent'.)

When I went to both AZ/FL, the quality of women is much, much better.


I dunno if a high supply of attractive women=lower cost. I might have to disagree with you on that one, cuz it seems like the women in Flordia are gold diggers. (most of them anyway).



I went to Miami back in '06, and there are some very skinny hot looking gold diggers all over these ugly fat guys that were dropping tons of cash at the night clubs @ South Beach.

I think the pricing was:

$280/bottle of Absolute

$300/bottle of Belevadre (sp)

$400/bottle of Gray Goose


.....what a bargain.


I just did a cost benefit analysis for our new flex fuel cars in our agency. Lol, it is actually cheaper to buy unleaded.
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$50 for ONE shot of grey goose at the Ritz in Paris. The lesson here is..........dont buy vodkas at the Ritz in Paris.

ps. im thinking of moving to Miami.
 
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