CHEW GUM, A conspiracy for obesity~~CONTEST``

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From USP Labs


"In the gym today, I formulated the CHEW GUM conspiracy during a Weight/stretch/meditation session. These sessions are what I call 10pm Thursday night at home bored out of mine so let me experiment with a weight/stretch/meditation session at the gym.

Enough about my boring life, Let the contest begin. You are a News reporter and the challenge is to finish off the Headline "CHEW GUM, A conspiracy for obesity."

LIMIT IS ONE Entry PER PERSON

The best story receives 3 bottles of PowerFULL, 3 Cissus, 2 cAMPHIBOLIC, and 2 c2....$312 dollars worth with shipping!

Please edit the paper. The editor will check spelling and grammar. Trust me, He is Good; He has to correct my error style writing.

Winner will be chosen Next thursday December 15 2005!!!! Bring the A game."
 
Have you guys read the flood of questions at the BB.com thread? That's good for a laugh.
Regarding the contest, I think I may have to give this one a go :type:
 
This is for all to read so post it on this thread.

The criteria is up to you but make it logical, funny and serious and relate it to obesity.

Capture my attention and keep it..
 
USPLabs said:
This is for all to read so post it on this thread.

The criteria is up to you but make it logical, funny and serious and relate it to obesity.

Capture my attention and keep it..
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Well if it has to be logical and serious, then theres no way I can win. Im good at the wacky "what the hell" department. lol, guess ill be staying out of this.
 
I got a story written up, completely pointless, hopefully mildly entertaining, but makes not sense. Maybe ill post it later tonight.
 
snakebyte05 said:
Well if it has to be logical and serious, then theres no way I can win. Im good at the wacky "what the hell" department. lol, guess ill be staying out of this.
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bring wacky bring anything!
 
Alright might no be the most coherent, Im not quite normal as of right now, drank a little to much a little to erly tonight, but anyways, heres the story

Chewing gum....Does it make you obese?

Yes it has come to our knowledge that chewing gum makes you obese. What is in it that makes it so? We are not sure yet, all we know is it is a new unknown hormone that makes one add lards of fat to their body. Many reporters would go on from here blaming our government, but the fact is, I am not a looney conspiricy theorist like them, I know the truth. The truth you may ask? Yes, the truth! The truth is that Aliens from a far sector beyond our galaxy have been adding hormones to our gum in attempts to make us gain weight? The reasons we believe that the aliens are doing this is because they have run out of food sources on their own planets and have found only one other planet with life on it....ours. They originally came to earth expecting to leave us alone and just steal some of our food, but as it turned out, it was not that simple. The first food product they tried was our cows. But our cows did not react with them well and gave them one nasty side effect. The problem with cow was that it made them horny. Horny you say? Yes horny! Normally this would not sound so bad, but on a planet where sexual relations are not aloud except for on the half full blue moon which occurs once a year, this is a huge problem. Punishment for having sexual relations on the wrong day is punished by being sent to earth to live the rest of your life out as a horny male, but with the dreaded affect of having no penis or any other route of relieving your sexual desire. Now you understand why they could not have this side effect. As they tried different animals, all had side effects, none as bad as the dreaded horniness, but bad nonetheless. As they came to the end of their search, there was only one species left they had not sampled yet, humans. They cringed at the thought of eating an intelligent species, but as they studied us further, they came to the conclusion that no species who would blindly follow a government which speaks lies of their dear dietary supplements and then further tries to ban them, could be intelligent. Their minds were made up, they needed to eat us. The new problem that came about was the fact that much of our world was under weight and thus too tough to chew. What could they do to fatten us up? They came to the conclusion to put hormones in our chewing gum which would fatten us up. All parts of the world had chewing gum, whether it was america, china. Even mexico had little kids running around selling gum they called "chicklets" (yea, I know, they're weird). So as the years went on and chewing gum became more popular the population itself became more obese. The years passed and people wondered why they were gaining so much. It couldn't possibly be the fact that they ate McDonald's 4 times a day, or that they hadn't had vegetables in over a year. No, definitely not that. These american's were right all along in believing it was not their fault they were fat, it was indeed someone else's fault. Our world's way of life was being threatened. Something needed to be done, but what could we do? As the world pondered it over for many a year, they came to one conclusion. Unleash Chuck Norris on them! It was a masterful plan. As Chuck got in his space ship and took off the aliens saw that we weren't fucking around anymore. They had heard the rumors of Chuck joining beginners karate just to round kick little kids. They were scared, VERY scared and flew away with their tales between their legs. We had won the war. Years went by and people began to notice that everyone was still obese. After further research we found out that the aliens actually hadn't put anything in our chewing gum and they were in fact peaceful and wanted to help us advance technologically. But being american's always looking for someone to blame, we decided it was there fault we were fat, instead of realizing that it was actually our own fault. The end.

PS: After not being able fight the aliens, Chuck was angry and needed to vent, he worked his way back to the beginner karate place and round kicked a few kids to make himself feel better.
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Galactic Envoy BigVrunga Reporting

An insipid tear welled in my red and bleary eyes as I pondered the fate of man. This menagerie of biological machines, this magnificent creature that we so thoughtfully designed that haphazardly and blindly lurches down the path of its own evolution - I pity it for what it has become. An engine of its own destruction, seeking not knowledge but lassitude to relieve itself from the pressures and strains of its own existence.

This emissary has seen it all, my brethren, for in my stay on this lowly planet called Earth I sought to find resolution for these finite creatures. Millennia spent, and mostly wasted, sowing the seeds of intelligence, trying to nurture these beings of free will to choose the path of anabolic greatness.

And true a select few have, to my surprise, chosen to walk this rail of muscular abundance. Coalescing in groups knitted together by an interwoven net of electronic communication. These Anabolicly Minded, as I shall refer to them, are the only facet of this race that I would choose to save, given the opportunity. They have impressed me with their impetus to constantly enhance both the physical and mental aspects of their being, achieving great feats of corporeal strength as well as forging new neural pathways through endless research and study.

It is almost as if these Anabolicly Minded were a completely separate subset of this being called man, and hardly bear any resemblance, either physical or mental, to their detestable counterparts. The lax, the corpulent, porcine masses that consume without affliction the precious resources of the planet of which they were given.

Able to weave my way throughout their existence unabated, I have noticed with great trepidation that the people these beings choose for their leaders are not the members of these Anabolicly Minded but, alarmingly, quite the opposite. They are very often the epitome of putrescence, the unabashed hallmark of graft and malfeasance. Through keen observation I have uncovered a grave treachery by this collective governing body to impale the very fabric of its own populace on a lance forged from sheer overindulgence. It is with this information I have conceived this article outlining this great conspiracy of man's own subconscious, and implore you to consider the imminent destruction of this race of harlots, gluttons, and fools.

First in this web of lies and calumniation is the demonization of the macronutrient, the Carbohydrate. Through mass media proliferation and unintelligible psycho-babble, they have assured their underlings that consuming this bountiful nutrient as their primary source of energy is a sin of unparalleled grievance and calamity. So much, in fact, that an entire industry has spawned from this deception. An entire generation has been convinced that they should be eating pounds of pork fat for breakfast, and that consuming anything resembling a whole grain will bring upon their bodies incomprehensible sheaths of lard. And this they believe, while the truth stares straight into their round and plumpish faces! You think they would learn from their counterparts, the Anabolicly Minded, as an example as they grow every stronger and leaner consuming mass quantities of their precious oatmeal and brown rice! But nay, they forge onward through the endless fields of inflated beguilement, stuffing their mouths full of the filth that will bring about their own demise.

Second in this plot of treachery is the infestation into the diet of millions that vile processed sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup. Nearly everywhere you go on this planet, every food you attempt to eat, you will be faced with consuming this rancid synthetic creation. Their favorite beverage is filled with it, foods claiming to be healthy for their bodies are laced with it - it is nearly unavoidable to all but the most weary. Not only are their frail human bodies incapable of processing this manufactured food additive, it wrecks havoc on the glucose regulatory system designed by our masters eons ago during the seeding of life on this world. An innocent mistake? Hardly! The chain of profit from this contaminant runs far deeper than even I could imagine! Lifelong consumption of this vile saccharide by the entranced masses results in mysterious diseases, which creates a need for a burgeoning and corrupt industry of pharmaceutical chemicals designed to treat these very afflictions! The masses consume, the masses fall ill, and their corporate masters profit from the defilement of their own brethren! And yet even with this knowledge they happily and shamelessly consume their sodas and their sweets, content in their oblivion while industry thrives. Even worse, the source of this High Fructose Corn syrup is the food-crop corn, which has been proven to be an effective fuel source for the endless amounts of energy these humans require for subsistence. Do they employ this knowledge to alleviate the diminishing resources of their tiny world? No! They continue to rape and destroy themselves and their planet, while happily adding tons of collective fat to their backsides.

The next node of pathos I'd like to discuss is that of Excess. Everywhere on this commiserable planet, especially in the country called America, consumption in excess runs rampant. They pile in unnecessary calories day after day and wonder why, after not exercising for years, they gain implausible amounts of fat around their bellies. They use their power of free will not to conserve and protect the planet that they live on, but to absorb and devour every natural resource they can get this opposable thumbs on. It is truly heinous the way these beings treat themselves and their world. You would think they would take notice of the Anabolicly Minded among them, who calculate with great effort their exact caloric requirements and strive to conform their bodies to the most efficient and powerful state possible. Of course, they do not. It as if they can not. It forces me to hypothesize that they are genetically predisposed to be the shiftless duds of evolutionary failure that I have observed them to be. From the time I’ve spent on this world, I am inclined to believe that this hypothesis is indeed fact.


Their elected counselors are possibly the most abhorrent of the lot. They abuse their power and prey on the naivety of the ignorant masses, searching out that which could make them stronger and spreading fear and falsifications through their media networks. This Wanton Criminalization of Beneficial Supplements is perhaps the greatest atrocity these imbeciles have committed against those who seek to better themselves. Among the Anabolicly Minded there exist great scientists. These brilliant men and women have forged remarkable molecules that, when used within the human body correctly, can cause remarkable gains in strength and muscle tissue for these beings. You'd think people would see this as a positive venture. That the countless hours these heroic individuals spend studying their biology and seeking to augment their genetic limitations would be viewed in a beneficial light. Quite the contrary! Any molecule that is found to be an anabolic aid is quickly criminalized. Why even the sacred herb that we have given them, Cissus Quadragularis, has been viewed by their 'FDA' with skepticism! The very individuals who seek to enhance their being are seen as maniacs and criminals. This is preposterous! It is perhaps for this offence alone that I would seek the complete extinction of this entire species. They allow fools to lead while the strong among them are chastised out of fear and their own subconscious self-loathing.

Yet another offence that I have discovered through careful investigation is that of a disturbing and increasing Gravitational field around the home world of these verminous humans. I can sense you are perplexed, oh great Vrungonian masters! It is not through an increased speed of rotation of their world, or through some mysterious mechanism of internal planetary workings. No! It is the increasing fat mass of their overbearing population of nearly SEVEN BILLION people. (If you recall, we only designed this planet to support half that many human life forms!). Consider that nearly half their population is overweight by at least 30 kilograms. That is nearly 105 BILLION extra kilograms of weight, or nearly 10,714,285,714 kilograms of pure mass contributing to the gravitational field of the planet Earth. As their rodent-like spawning can only continue, and their every increasing waistlines seem to have no limit - it is my fear the gravitational pull of the earth will supersede that of our wormhole in quadrant X57, making hyperspace travel in this sector of the galaxy impossible. It is also my fear that the increasing ass size of the obese human will one day, after several millennia, implode upon itself and form a black hole that could devour this entire galaxy! Clearly, this can not be allowed to happen! Swift and immediate action *must* be taken.

Another alarming fact that contributes to this ever-increasing state of lardesqe flux is the seemingly Unlimited Ignorance of these creatures! It constantly both astounds and disappoints me that these beings of our design simply will not learn from their past mistakes. Through their Excess and ignorance of their own biology they become fat and rotund. Rather than correcting their behavior through determination and will (an asset which only the Anabolicly Minded seem to posess) - they strive to find the easy path, the path that will lead them again and again to their own state of putrescence. Which brings me to my final grievance against these creatures:

The Magic Pill. That coveted object of the moronic masses, that which they search for to deliver them from their own dispassion. The magic pill is their 5 simple steps to success, the get rich quick infomercials that plaster their televisions and magazines, that one magic pill that will make them slim, muscular, intelligent, and simply better people that that which they have become. My Vrungonian Lords, you know as well as I do that in life in this harsh universe, there is no Magic Pill. There is only hard work, perseverence, and determination. It is through these 3 principles that all things are won. Be it love or respect, strength or knowledge - nothing in this dimensional plane is free. You must give of yourself to receive back from the force of creation, and through this exchange and this exchange only shall you become that which you strive be.

These humans can not grasp this principle. 5 billion years of evolution and they STILL can not come to terms with the reality of the universe. It is perhaps this sad fact that seals their fate for all eternity. Do we really want these creatures as part of our Galactic Federation? I think not!

While I wholeheartedly agree that the race as a whole is assuredly doomed, I implore you my Lords, to spare the Anabolicly Minded among them. These men and women of Earth have chosen a different path. A path of continual self improvement and despite the mediocrity that surrounds them they always do their best to overcome. It is my opinion that they would make a worthy addition to our Imperial Forces. I’m sure they will be quite pleased at the chemical wonders we have achieved in our millennia of study, and will be more than willing to become more massive and powerful then they could ever imagine. These select few aside, the rest must perish for the good of us all.

It is with these 7 principles of this grand connivance of human decay: Demonization of the Carbohydrate, High Fructose Corn Syrup, Excess, Wanton Criminalization of Beneficial Supplements, an alarming increase in Gravitational force, Unlimited Ignorance, and their empty quest for this nonexistent Magic Pill, that I move for the commencement of their immediate destruction.

C.H.E.W. G.U.M, a conspiracy for obesity in all things. The wayward path of their own design, and the one path that will lead them straight to their own annihilation. Our battle destroyers are at the ready, I only await your command to commence their extinction. Our lives, the universe, the very fabric of this reality, hinges on their fat and blubberous asses melting back into the nuclear fires from which they came.
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LowKey's Story

CHEW GUM, A Conspiracy For Obesity?


It's called gum, a delicious elastic substance that we chew on for pleasure. But, what happens when we accidentally swallow our chewy treat? Does it just reside in our bowels for 7 years before we launch it out our rectums, like the old wise tail? Well, scientists have an interesting new theory about this matter that the gum moguls don't want you to hear about. Dr. Ken McDouche, a Nobel prize winning scientist for his work on the Richard Gere gerbil theory, decided to change his career's focus when he suddenly became obese in a month's time after swallowing a piece of gum.


McDouche, an avid gum chewer, recalls vividly, “I had my hand in one of the gerbil cages refilling their food, when I was bit by one.” McDouche said that the initial shock of the bite caused him to swallow his gum. McDouche gained an average of 10 pounds a day for the next week after the incident, leaving him at an bulbous 300 pounds. “This is unacceptable for a man of my stature,” proclaimed McDouche. “Those gerbils respected me and now I can see the disgust in their eyes when they look at me,” McDouche went on. McDouche didn't just sit around and have a pity party for himself; he took action. He hit the lab hard, leaving no beaker unfilled as he examined the chemical structure of gum. What McDouche eventually discovered hit the scientific community like a hurricane.


McDouche discovered that when humans chew gum, tiny particles of the gum are sub-lingually absorbed by the body. These particles, over a period of time, saturate all the muscle tissues in the body. However, these particles lie dormant in the human body until an event triggers them to produce adipose, otherwise known as fat. The event that triggers these particles to produce fat is usually a traumatic one, like a gerbil bite. 1 out of every 20 Americans will experience the roller coaster ride of pain and fear that is known as a gerbil bite. Swallowing your gum is also a very traumatic event according to McDouche. “I was completely horrified because I thought that one of my precious gerbils would encounter that piece of gum in the depths of my bowels one day,” McDouche cried. We all know from our childhood that gerbils and chewing gum just don't mix and a combination of the two has been scientifically linked to asphyxiation.

4 out of the 5 major gum companies I contacted refused to comment on this issue. However, an anonymous representative of Wrigley Gum spoke out on Dr. McDouche's research, “The man is a connoisseur of colon, what does he know about chewing gum for Christ's sake!” Wrigley Gum along with other companies, have filed a defamation lawsuit against McDouche and his associates. Regardless, this isn't the first brush with lawsuits for McDouche. PETA, the animals rights activist movement, has numerous suits pending against McDouche for his work with gerbils. Dr. McDouche defends his work though:
I just don't see what PETA is all worked up for. There is nothing wrong lubing up gerbils with a coat of Vaseline, freezing them, stuffing them in a paper towel tube, and then setting fire to the opposite end of the tube to launch them into a subject's rectum. It's an everyday adventure for them and more importantly, it's time spent outside of the cage. It's simply science at it's finest level.
​
Despite the methods employed by McDouche and his scientific team, one cannot ignore the compelling research that has been unearthed. McDouche has possibly discovered a conspiracy between chewing gum and fat accumulation that warrants the attention of us all. McDouche is like a modern day Galileo with his controversial theories that challenge the preexisting notions of man. However, McDouche must now employ an exercise routine to keep his weight problem under control. He has installed a man-sized gerbil wheel in his lab, where he can exercise side by side with his furry counterparts. However, McDouche realizes that he cannot chew gum ever again. “I've had an oral fixation ever since I could remember and I've always used gum; now I must find another object to replace it,” McDouche Stated. Many people have notions of what that object might in fact be, but that is another story entirely. As for now America, be weary of chewing gum and be extra careful to avoid gerbil bites, the possible catalyst for fat gain in the chewing gum enthusiast.
 
VitaminT's Reality

CHEW GUM, A Conspiracy For Obesity?


This just in! Mere hours after a new study made news around the world by highlighting the under-appreciated health benefits of chewing gum, the FDA has announced an emergency session to determine the fate of gum. At the center of controversy is what action should be taken now that chewing gum instead of overeating has been proven to cause dramatic weight loss. The double-blind study entitled, “Gum, a secret weapon for fat bastards?” has lit a fire under the food industry causing massive panic. One industry executive on the condition of anonymity exclaimed, “for years I haven’t been purchasing the crap I help peddle, but now I might have the strength to speak up!” However, his opinion is moot. From peddlers of $153 snake oil, to rich pharmaceutical companies seeking to protect their interests, an alliance has been formed with the food industry to together lobby the FDA. But is it an alliance, or really just a well-paid cabal? People are making up their own minds about this headlining story.

“Chew gum? Eat less? That will never work!!”

“Man, you know, the Federal Governments… they don’t care about you! It’s all the same conspiracy, man.”

“Why is it that the FDA always wants to screw healthy people who use products properly?”

“I'm Rick James, Bitch!”

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Obviously the government is full of smart people who know better than I do what is good for me.”

These were some of the independent voices we heard on the street, though none of these people are likely to be sufficiently wealthy to parlay their opinions into anything meaningful. Subsequently, we are tentatively speculating that there is a 99% likelihood that gum will be rescheduled prior to, or on, January 7th. We recommend that all sane people should stock up now before prices hit record highs on eBay after the 7th or before supplies run out. There are widespread rumors at this late hour that gum manufacturers are looking into gum alternatives and could be halting production of new gum as early as next week in anticipation of what is expecting to be an unprecedented ruling next month.

One thing is for certain folks, if chewing gum is outlawed, it will be the greatest conspiracy for obesity ever!
 
[SIZE=-1][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif]The Oompa Loompa song
about Violet Beauregarde[/SIZE][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=-1][/SIZE][/FONT][/FONT]​
[SIZE=-1][/SIZE]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=-1]Invalid Link Removed[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif][SIZE=-1]Oompa loompa loompety doo
I've got another puzzle for you:
Oompa loompa loompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me
Gum chewing's fine every once in a while,
It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile,
But it's repulsive, revolting, and wrong
Chewing and chewing all day long
the way that a cow does
Oompa loompa loompety da
Given good manners you will go far,
You will live in happiness like the Oompa Loompa's do[/SIZE][/FONT]
 
dangetinthere said:
the guys at bb.com dont think like you damn it im not gonna win anything
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:head:
 
I thought they were different competitions. A winner was announced on bb.com days before he posted "a winner will be announced tomorrow" on here.
 
There were actually some really good stories over there, but a bunch of people made a big stink about entries that took a creative slant and went with more of a story rather than an article.
USP ended up choosing a very well written, strict news-type article as the winner.

He hooks us AM.com bros up so much I dont feel so bad:D

BV
 
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