Relationship advice

[Beau]

Besides making sure your kids are okay, who Cares what/who/how he is??

He's not the enemy.
Sadly, she is.


Cut her out, like a tumor

This.

 

[cheftepesh1]

it's also usually harder for a man to get full custody. just remember your kids are more important than you, her, or her fukboi

Truth

 

[Beau]

Well, have you "spined up"?

 

[-MVP-]

Well, have you "spined up"?

Working on it. She’s basically wanting me to be a sugar daddy but settle for kisses and leg/butt rubs rather than intercourse. My goal is to fix it so that she comes to me wanting that stuff and I tell her to gfh

 

[Kronic]

but have you started lifting again?

 

[-MVP-]

but have you started lifting again?

I bought a set of battle ropes. Unfortunately my vehicle is broke down and will be for the next couple of weeks. Right now I’m trying to do circuits with body weight exercises, cardio and using the ropes. I’m looking forward to lifting again.

 

[ELROCK]

No one makes another person violate their wedding vows by committing adultery. She did that alone, without you. You did not cause it.

There is a reason behind the phrase "once a liar, always a liar" It is because it is almost always true. To this I will add "once a cheater/adulterer, always a cheater/adulterer".

She has used you enough. That you are allowing this, or condoning it by your actions, seems like something you want to change.

There is a reason behind the phrase "actions have consequences", because they do.

But by continuing to support her financially, you are de-coupling the actions from the consequences.

I have lived this life. My (thankfully) ex-wife had two affairs, 8 years apart. I stayed because I wanted to be a father to my children.

The 2nd affair - she was the director of music ministries at our church, and the affair partner was the choir director.

I filed for divorce, had to find a new church, had to pay a crap-ton of spousal support (in California, they don't care what she did - you still pay). He left his wife and four kids. One of them got hooked on heroin, another committed suicide. Actions have consequences.

Divorcing her was the best thing I could have done. She was and is a evil narcissist. I have stayed away from her, and would not support her unless I was legally obligated to. I respect myself too much to have her in my life, in any way.

Several years later, I married a wonderful lady. She is the complete opposite of the first thing. I believe I was rewarded.

Walk away and stay away. However, I encourage you to support your children, and do not talk badly about their mother. She is bad enough on her own. They will see that, or not - but do not poison the well against her.

Good luck. I am sorry for what you are having to endure.

But - STAY AWAY from her.

This^^^!!!! Great post btw!

 

[Beau]

Working on it. She’s basically wanting me to be a sugar daddy but settle for kisses and leg/butt rubs rather than intercourse. My goal is to fix it so that she comes to me wanting that stuff and I tell her to gfh

All that means is that you are trying to manipulate her. Playing her game seems foolish, at best. Do you really want to join her in these games?

Your goal is, with all due respect, off the mark by a mile. It sounds - well - a bit sophomoric.

You will not get the results you want - just cut to the chase and stop all communication. That will be best for you. Also, as a side benefit - it will irritate her more than anything else you can do - because she can no longer control you. By taking your balls back, the narcissist will be driven insane. Ask me how I know.

A healthier goal would be to get her out of your life as completely as possible, while still being a father to your kids.

Think of it this way - her giving you kisses and leg/butt rubs just means ... she is cheating on the new guy, with you.

Sort of sounds like a pathetic person me, bordering on mild prostitution.

Regardless, I would not want to mow the lawn that someone else is watering.

Here is my well intended New Year's Eve offering: There is only one person you can control, and that person is you. And that takes a lot of work and intentional behavior.

Think of how you would react if your friend described the very same thing to you; that his plan was to manipulate her into wanting him to give her more stuff - only to leave her at the alter. My best guess is that your reaction would be: "what is wrong with that guy".

Sorry for being harsh.

 

[-MVP-]

All that means is that you are trying to manipulate her. Playing her game seems foolish, at best. Do you really want to join her in these games?

Your goal is, with all due respect, off the mark by a mile. It sounds - well - a bit sophomoric.

You will not get the results you want - just cut to the chase and stop all communication. That will be best for you. Also, as a side benefit - it will irritate her more than anything else you can do - because she can no longer control you. By taking your balls back, the narcissist will be driven insane. Ask me how I know.

A healthier goal would be to get her out of your life as completely as possible, while still being a father to your kids.

Think of it this way - her giving you kisses and leg/butt rubs just means ... she is cheating on the new guy, with you.

Sort of sounds like a pathetic person me, bordering on mild prostitution.

Regardless, I would not want to mow the lawn that someone else is watering.

Here is my well intended New Year's Eve offering: There is only one person you can control, and that person is you. And that takes a lot of work and intentional behavior.

Think of how you would react if your friend described the very same thing to you, and his plan was to manipulate her to want him to giove her more stuff. My best guess is that your reaction would be: "what is wrong with that guy".

Sorry for being harsh.

I don’t mind harsh. I want honesty more than anything and sometimes that requires harsh. I do feel like everything she has put me through leaves me a little revenge driven. I feel like I have a shot of making her want me again but it would require me to cut her off and work on myself and show her I’m not always going to be the vulnerable puppy that she kicks when she’s down.

On another note, what’s hard to let her go is on a scale from 1-10 she’s a 20. I’m not kidding. She turns heads everywhere she goes. Her appearance is absolutely flawless and that’s what she uses to get what she wants.

 

[Beau]

I don’t mind harsh. I want honesty more than anything and sometimes that requires harsh. I do feel like everything she has put me through leaves me a little revenge driven. I feel like I have a shot of making her want me again but it would require me to cut her off and work on myself and show her I’m not always going to be the vulnerable puppy that she kicks when she’s down.

On another note, what’s hard to let her go is on a scale from 1-10 she’s a 20. I’m not kidding. She turns heads everywhere she goes. Her appearance is absolutely flawless and that’s what she uses to get what she wants.

All the great looks and sexual prowess in the world is not worth you losing your self-worth and integrity over.

Strip clubs are full or women willing to do what your "wife" is doing, except at least they are honest in their immorality and they are up front about having a cover change. And, their cover charge is less emotionally damaging to you (BTW - the one and only time I went to a strip club was about 30 years ago).

She "left" you, but you haven't left her. The new guy is now on the mound throwing strikes, she just wants you in the bullpen in case he gets knocked out of the game and needs to be replaced. Are you REALLY willing to be second-best in a relationship - just because she is good looking?

Hint: Trying to bring about revenge is a game for suckers.

Another hint: You thinking about her and planning revenge is like you drinking poison, but expecting her to die. It is you, not her, who will suffer. I assure you, she IS NOT thinking about you. She is thinking only about herself. Why do you choose to give her the keys to you emotional well-being? You probably would not allow her access to your finances, at this point (at least, I hope not - but, if so, your new bank balance is zero). If that is correct, why would you allow her access to your emotional well-being?

As to "and show her I’m not always going to be the vulnerable puppy that she kicks when she’s down", don't show her anything but the door. Your objectives seriously need to be redirected. You are still trying to teach and show her - instead show her the results of your newly re-gained pride. That will show her that she can kiss your ass. Block her from your phone.

 

[-MVP-]

All the great looks and sexual prowess in the world is not worth you losing your self-worth and integrity over.

Strip clubs are full or women willing to do what your "wife" is doing, except at least they are honest in their immorality and they are up front about having a cover change. And, their cover charge is less emotionally damaging to you (BTW - the one and only time I went to a strip club was about 30 years ago).

She "left" you, but you haven't left her. The new guy is now on the mound throwing strikes, she just wants you in the bullpen in case he gets knocked out of the game and needs to be replaced. Are you REALLY willing to be second-best in a relationship - just because she is good looking?

Hint: Trying to bring about revenge is a game for suckers.

Another hint: Your thinking about her and planning revenge is like you drinking poison, but expecting her to die. It is you, not her, that will suffer. I assure you, she IS NOT thinking about you. She is thinking only about herself. Why do you choose to give her the keys to you emotional well-being? You probably would not allow her access to your finances, at this point (at least, I hope not - but, if so, your new bank balance is zero). If that is correct, why would you allow her access to your emotional well-being?

As to "and show her I’m not always going to be the vulnerable puppy that she kicks when she’s down", don't show her anything but the door. Your objectives seriously need to be redirected. You are still trying to teach and show her - instead show her the results of your newly re-gained pride. That will show her that she can kiss your ass. Block her from your phone.

I like this. I can’t block her from my phone because we have three kids and have to communicate about them, but I will ask this. She brought up on snap this morning having me be her sugar daddy on the side. She called it baby daddy with benefits. She is not talking about sex but basically allowing me to touch and feel and in exchange I would keep her up. What do I say to that? She says “let’s take that day by day”.

 

[Beau]

I like this. I can’t block her from my phone because we have three kids and have to communicate about them, but I will ask this. She brought up on snap this morning having me be her sugar daddy on the side. She called it baby daddy with benefits. She is not talking about sex but basically allowing me to touch and feel and in exchange I would keep her up. What do I say to that? She says “let’s take that day by day”.

My suggestion - Tell her that if you are in a relationship, you have enough value that you insist that it be monogamous, and you are not interested in having a mistress. Ask her if she has a new job, because the job of a prostitute is to have sex with people for money. BTW - I am not kidding.

One of the most important roles of a father is to lead by example. Would you suggest to your children that they should grow up and be in a relationship with a person who has so little regard for themselves (and for them) that they are relegated to having sex on the side, provided that your children pay money to the other person? And, how about your Mom? If she suggested to you and the kids that she decided that the way to be valued in a relationship was have sex with another person in exchange for money - do you expect that you Mom would be held in high regard?

If you took your ex-wife up on her pathetic and immoral offer, would you be happy to tell your children about the basis of your relationship? How about "Hey kids, Mom wants a few more bucks, so in case you see me rubbing her boobs and butt and then handing her a twenty, I don't want you to be confused - we are still divorced." What would that teach them?

Regardless of her physical attributes, the person you have described has a very low standard for herself and is a promiscuous mess.

How is it that you would you even consider that type of relationship?

 

[Kronic]

 allowing me to touch and feel and in exchange

lol this can't be real. so you're paying for blue balls?

 

[-MVP-]

 allowing me to touch and feel and in exchange

lol this can't be real. so you're paying for blue balls?

LMAO I guess that’s kind of true

 

[-MVP-]

My suggestion - Tell her that if you are in a relationship, you have enough value that you insist that it be monogamous, and you are not interested in having a mistress. Ask her if she has a new job, because the job of a prostitute is to have sex with people for money. BTW - I am not kidding.

One of the most important roles of a father is to lead by example. Would you suggest to your children that they should grow up and be in a readership with a person who has so little regard for themselves (and for them) that they are relegated to having sex on the side, provided that your children pay money to the other person? And, how about your Mom? If she suggested to you and the kids that she decided that the way to be valued in a relationship was have sex with another person in exchange for money - do you expect that you Mom would be held in high regard?

If you took your ex-wise up on her pathetic and immoral offer, would you be happy to tell your children about the basis of your relationship? How about "Hey kids, Mom wants a few more bucks, so in case you see me rubbing her boobs and butt and then handing her a twenty, I don't want you to be confused - we are still divorced." What would that teach them?

Regardless of her physical attributes, the person you have described has a very low standard for herself and is a promiscuous mess.

How is it that you would you even consider that type of relationship?

I guess if I’m being honest… I settled because I stopped respecting myself. She was like a shiny sports car that I had that everyone envied. In the beginning, we looked good together. However, my long hours and stressful job to “give her the life she deserved” broke me down and built her up so that she felt like she deserved better later. This ultimately demonstrates her personality and qualities right here.

 

[Kronic]

get your damn car fixed and go to the gym lol

 

[-MVP-]

get your damn car fixed and go to the gym lol

Lol I’m tryin bud. Trying to see if I can get someone else to let me ride with them also

 

[Beau]

I guess if I’m being honest… I settled because I stopped respecting myself. She was like a shiny sports car that I had that everyone envied. In the beginning, we looked good together. However, my long hours and stressful job to “give her the life she deserved” broke me down and built her up so that she felt like she deserved better later. This ultimately demonstrates her personality and qualities right here.

I want to make sure that I say this as kindly as possible:

What you have described about yourself, including the need to give your wife the life she deserved, very likely suggests that you have very low self esteem. I've known a bunch of guys who wanted to be the hero of the woman in their life, when in actuality they thought they had to be the hero - otherwise the other person conclude that the guy was not good enough - the thought being that they were trying to "earn her love".

The role of the other person in a relationship should not be so that people think more highly of, or envy, you. Why would you want or need that?

I've written too much already, but I think you might want to determine if you have the lack of self-esteem that seems evident, and why you selected a narcissist as a partner in the first place. If you do have a lack of (or low) self-esteem (meaning that you do not see yourself as inherently valuable), it is likely that all of your future relationships will follow the same pattern.

I am too old to really care what other people think, as long as I am well intended and trying to help - and as long as I am not being a jerk. This - I promise you - is the same advice I would give my adult sons.

Counseling (and not for your relationship with your wife) with someone you trust and who is hopefully trained in this - might not be a bad idea.

Good luck..

 

[-MVP-]

I want to make sure that I say this as kindly as possible:

What you have described about yourself, including the need to give your wife the life she deserved, very likely suggests that you have very low self esteem. I've known a bunch of guys who wanted to be the hero of the woman in their life, when in actuality they thought they had to be the hero - otherwise the other person conclude that the guy was not good enough - the thought being that they were trying to "earn her love".

I've written too much already, but I think you might want to determine if you have the lack of self-esteem that seems evident, and why you selected a narcissist as a partner in the first place. If you do have a lack of (or low) self-esteem (meaning that you do not see yourself as inherently valuable), it is likely that all of your future relationships will follow the same pattern.

I am too old to really care what other people think, as long as I am well intended and trying to help - and as long as I am not being a jerk. This I promise you - this is the same advice I would give my adult sons.

Counseling (and not for your relationship with your wife) with someone you trust and who is hopefully trained in this - might not be a bad idea.

Good luck..

The truth is she didn’t start out as a narcissist. She started out as a submissive person that always apologized and took responsibility and that’s what I loved about her. Her problem is she let toxic people in her family convince her that I was the issue.

Her dad made a lot of money and her family always told her she could do better than me because I didn’t make much at all the first several years of our marriage. They would try to hook her up with guys her dad worked with and tell her I wasn’t worthy. As soon as I started making good money though they started accusing that of being the only reason she wanted me around.

I guess I do have low self esteem. I let her turn me into a man I don’t want to be that’s for sure. My biggest downfall was ever putting her first. All I did was dig myself deeper in quicksand that I didn’t believe would ever sink me.

 

[Beau]

I wish you the very best. I mean you no ill will, far from it.

Life has a way of teaching you lessons. Older guys should be willing to share the lessons they've learned with younger men, provided there is no hidden agenda. I certainly have no hidden agenda.

 

[-MVP-]

I wish you the very best. I mean you no ill will, far from it.

Life has a way of teaching you lessons. Older guys should be willing to share the lessons they've learned with younger men, provided there is no hidden agenda. I certainly have no hidden agenda.

I can assure you I have taken no offense to anything you’ve said. The harsh reality is sometimes we need people to be blunt and honest in order to get the message.

I can tell you hate I’m in this situation, but feel I have more power over it than the victim I’m portraying. Everything I have stated I am going through here has all been ultimately by choice - this is the message you wanted to send to me and it’s true.

 

[johnny412]

That’s true. I dug my own grave listening to her. She keeps telling me he isn’t long term but then told me recently “if money wasn’t an issue I think he could be”. Right now she’s killing it with bonuses and stuff plus that advance income tax thing. I figure she will do really well with it until around august or September of next year.

how old are you? both of you are immature AF!!! i mean SUPER immature!!!

 

[Kronic]

how old are you? both of you are immature AF!!! i mean SUPER immature!!!

you're just jealous because they're an anime couple

 

[-MVP-]

how old are you? both of you are immature AF!!! i mean SUPER immature!!!

You’re right. I’m immature for falling for a girl and somewhere during the marriage she suddenly flips into a completely different person - cheats on me, lied to me about it, has me thinking we are spending time apart just so I’ll go along with what she’s doing, takes me for everything I have and then after the divorce is final… her real person comes out. Until you’ve walked in my shoes and been through that and lost everything seemingly overnight, keep your petty ass comments to yourself.

 

[Beau]

There is only one person who can learn first hand what happened. For you, obviously - that's you.

The natural tendency is to focus on what the other person did, at least initially. We may see ourselves as victims. We may (rightfully) have righteous indignation. We "deserved" better, we may think. And that accomplishes ... nothing. It changes nothing and we have no more insight into anything. Its natural, just not productive.

Real benefit occurs when we look at the respective contributions to the death of the relationship. Those of the other person, and our own.

So, in my case, the choices made by my ex-wife were all hers; not mine. She decided to have affairs. She didn't ask, and I didn't provide consent.

OK, that's good - others are responsible for their acts, and we are responsible for our acts.

The real value (to me) was to look at my contribution; not to her adulterous relationships (which I have no responsibility for), but why I allowed myself to be treated the way she treated me. That was not easy to do, because it took some soul searching and that is not easy nor fun. But is it beneficial? You bet it is, in fact - it is invaluable.

In my case, at some point, I realized that I tolerated her not because my ex-wise was good or ideal, it was because I wanted to be a father to my children, and did not want the moniker of being a "divorced man". So, after the first affair, I stayed and did not divorce her because I wanted to be a Dad to my kids, and did not want to have some other SOB raise my kids. That was MY DECISION. What I failed to do was insist that she be accountable for her actions moving forward. That was MY FAILURE.

Her moral failure was that she had another affair. She has sole responsibility for that 100%, regardless of how she wants to re-frame it (she actually told people it was "God's plan for then to be together").

I should have put my foot down much earlier. I should have been "more intentional" in the way I allowed myself to be treated. Guess what lesson I learned?

The truth be told, she was a very good and compelling liar - I just chose not to see it. It reminds me of an old saying "Don't get mad at a giraffe for having a long neck, because its a giraffe". In this case, my equivalent was don't get mad at her for being liar, because she is a liar. I learned to see her as a problem avoidant liar, with no conscious or remorse. Hey - she is responsible for being a problem avoidant liar, with no conscious or remorse. That I didn't call her on it, - I own that.

So, figure out why you did, or didn't do, that allowed things to degrade to the place where she could act out. She owns "acting out", you own not putting your foot down and living your life intentionally. That takes maturity and introspection to figure out.

 

[-MVP-]

There is only one person who can learn first hand what happened. For you, obviously - that's you.

The natural tendency is to focus on what the other person did, at least initially. We may see ourselves as victims. We may (rightfully) have righteous indignation. We "deserved" better, we may think. And that accomplishes ... nothing. It changes nothing and we have no more insight into anything. Its natural, just not productive.

Real benefit occurs when we look at the respective contributions to the death of the relationship. Those of the other person, and our own.

So, in my case, the choices made by my ex-wife were all hers; not mine. She decided to have affairs. She didn't ask, and I didn't provide consent.

OK, that's good - others are responsible for their acts, and we are responsible for our acts.

The real value (to me) was to look at my contribution; not to her adulterous relationships (which I have no responsibility for), but why I allowed myself to be treated the way she treated me. That was not easy to do, because it took some soul searching and that is not easy nor fun. But is it beneficial? You bet it is, in fact - it is invaluable.

In my case, at some point, I realized that it was not because my ex-wise was good or ideal, it was because I wanted to be a father to my children, and did not want the moniker of being a "divorced man". So, after the first affair, I stayed and did not divorce her because I wanted to be a Dad to my kids, and did not want to have some other SOB raise my kids. That was MY DECISION. What I failed to do was insist that she be accountable for her actions moving forward. That was MY FAILURE.

Her moral failure was that she had another affair. She has sole responsibility for that 100%, regardless of how she wants to re-frame it (she actually told people it was "God's plan for then to be together").

I should have put my foot down much earlier. I should have been "more intentional" in the way I allowed myself to be treated. Guess what lesson I learned?

The truth be told, she was a very good and compelling liar - I just chose not to see it. It reminds me of an old saying "Don't get mad at a giraffe for having a long neck". She was a problem avoidant liar. That I didn't call her on it, - I own that. That she is a liar - that's all her.

So, figure out why you did, or didn't do, that allowed things to degrade to the place where she could acts out. She owns "acting out", you own not putting your foot down and living your life intentionally. That takes maturity and introspection.

I think you’re spot on about a lot of things. I think my biggest fear was that she looked like the “winner” in all of this. She manipulated me for everything that I had, let me take on all the stress that broke me down, then made her move for what she felt was a better man. It hurt my ego and she took the one thing I had most pride in - my family.

Now my replacement is supposedly something short term for her that she refuses to end. She wants me “as a side piece” and is now claiming it’s because she still cares for me but she doesn’t want to “make out with me or sleep with me” she just basically is allowing certain things. As bad as it hurts, I’m going to have to turn her down on all of that. My heart is telling me to do is because it’s the only grasp I have left of my old life.

It would be a lot easier to move on if she didn’t cost me my house, my car didn’t suddenly fall apart after the divorce, and I was in good shape. Truth be told I’m still way overweight to attract a woman and the dates I’ve been on I have spent appearing over anxious and venting about what my wife did to me. Needless to say I was ghosted after that in all occasions.

Because she has moved someone in, appears to be in the start of her new forever online and according to my son tells this man she loves him (in which she denies to me but tells me it’s none of my business). I feel like she’s coming out as the one who was being held back. After all, no one knows what she did to me or how she’s used to be to get so far.

I know the healthiest thing I can do is put my attention on the gym and focus on getting healthy and getting my finances right again. Worry about finding a girl when I’m capable of being what they’re looking for as well and not just a presence to disract me which is what I feel she is doing.

It’s sad because it’s like in my hesrrr I know what the right thing to do is but I’m afraid if I do it, things will get worse.

 

[Beau]

1. She wants me “as a side piece” and is now claiming it’s because she still cares for me ...

2. It would be a lot easier to move on if she didn’t cost me my house ...

3. I’m still way overweight to attract a woman and the dates I’ve been on I have spent appearing over anxious and venting about what my wife did to me.

4. I know the healthiest thing I can do is put my attention on the gym and focus on getting healthy and getting my finances right again.

5. I’m afraid if I do it, things will get worse.

1. If you have no self-respect and want to chance getting whatever STDs he and she may have, go for it (BTW - you have no assuarnce that she hasn't screwed other guys, in addition to Lance Romance). If you have an ounce of self-respect, tell her to kiss your butt. I would be OFFENDED, not honored by her suggestion. I do not want sex bad enough to compromise my self-worth in exchange for feeling up some broad who was still dripping a big load of some other guy's splooge.

2. Sell your house. Problem solved. Please do not tell me that you are paying for a house she lives in ....

3. The last thing you need now is another relationship. You have to first be the right partner to find the right partner. Part of that is determining "must haves" and "won't tolerates". And I assure you, until you deal with the self-respect issue, every future relationship will look like this one. Women lose respect for a man they do not hold in regard.

4. Wrong. The healthiest thing you should do is go to a counselor and fix what is broken.

5. Oh, it will get worse one way or another. If you accommodate her, your problem will last forever and you have verified that you will tolerate her treating you like crap. If you follow the advice that many have provided here, it will get worse for a while, while she fights you to return to being a pushover but, if you intentionally live your life, it will then get better. It is your choice. But - if your Dad told you that he was afraid to do the right thing, and because of that he continued to allow himself to be treated like a fool in the single most important relationship in his life -- would you respect him?

Stop fearing the boogie man. Do what is right, not what is easy.

 

[-MVP-]

Here’s a sterling example…

She is now texting/snapping me demanding answers over something my mom SUPPOSEDLY said about the kids school.

She makes excuses to talk to me multiple times per day and it’s usually something to do with the kids.

I understand we have to communicate some over the kids but this is literally several times per day or at least once per day at the least.

When I try to stand my ground I’m being “over dramatic” and childish.

 

[-MVP-]

And while I believe communication about the kids is inevitable, I don’t think it merits a conversation every single day of the damn week

 

[Beau]

Here’s a sterling example…

1. She is now texting/snapping me demanding answers over something my mom SUPPOSEDLY said about the kids school.

2. She makes excuses to talk to me multiple times per day and it’s usually something to do with the kids.

3. I understand we have to communicate some over the kids but this is literally several times per day or at least once per day at the least.

4. When I try to stand my ground I’m being “over dramatic” and childish.

1. Tell her - "Ask my mom, not me." Then, ignore her.
2. Insist she text you specific questions. Answer texts no more than once per day. Only answer those that you want to answer. As to the other questions, ignore her. She has you trained. She only needs to say jump, and you jump. Stop it.
3. See above. This is all about control. She will continue to do it as long as you reward her. You are. She serves the ball over the net and you hit it back, and so the game continues. What happens after she hits all the balls in her basket over the net and you don't retun any of them? Game over.
4. Well either learn to not care about what she says (which I fear is impossible for you), or tell her "OK, I must be childish by whore standards".

You will not improve unless you want to.

You don't want to.

You are making this too hard, and with too many excuses. It seems that many of us (me, especially) want this to improve more than you want this to improve. If you won't help yourself (and these are the obvious things), you are in for a self chosen
life of being controlled. If you want to be her lap dog, then just do so. That is what you choosing by your actions and decisions. Its sad.

 

[-MVP-]

1. Tell her - "Ask my mom, not me." Then, ignore her.
2. Insist she text you specific questions. Answer texts no more than once per day. Only answer those that you want to answer. As to the other questions, ignore her. She has you training. She says jump, and you jump.
3. See above. This is all about control. She will continue to do it as long as yuu reward her. You are. She serves the ball over the net and you hit it back. What happens when she hits all the balls in her basket over the net and you don't retun any of them. Game over.
4. Well either learn to not care about what she says (which I fear is impossible for you), or tell her "OK, I must be childish by whore standards".

You will not improve unless you want to.

You don't want to.

I did. She hates my mom and constantly threatens not to let her watch the kids if my mom doesn’t bow down to her. The children are incredibly close to my mom and have been since birth.

Her response is “you’re the other parent”. Yeah, but if you’re asking about something my mom said then go to her. She’s used to me walking on egg shells to keep peace here and I’m tired of it.

Your number four was an epic comeback.

I like the idea of answering texts once per day. I will try it.

 

[Beau]

1. I did. She hates my mom and constantly threatens not to let her watch the kids if my mom doesn’t bow down to her. The children are incredibly close to my mom and have been since birth.

2. Her response is “you’re the other parent”. Yeah, but if you’re asking about something my mom said then go to her. She’s used to me walking on egg shells to keep peace here and I’m tired of it.

1. OK, so what? They figure it out or they don't. Actions have consequences. If she is a PITA to your Mom, then I guess she gets no free babysitting. Actions have consequences.

2. Why do you CARE WHAT SHE SAYS? What if you just didn't respond? Tell her that although you are the other parent, that she needs to deal solely with your mother on things involving your mother. And then step the heck out. And, she has trained you to walk on egg shells only because you allowed yourself to be trained. She has done a nice job training you.

 

[-MVP-]

1. OK, so what? They figure it out or they don't. Actions have consequences. If she is a PITA to your Mom, then I guess she gets no free babysitting. Actions have consequences.

2. Why do you CARE WHAT SHE SAYS? What if you just didn't respond? Tell her that although you are the other parent, that she needs to deal solely with your mother on things involving your mother. And then step the hell out. And, she has trained you to walk on egg shells only because you allowed yourself to be trained. She has done a nice job training you.

I just know when she doesn’t get her way she threatens to not let my mom watch the kids, which makes the kids very upset. My mom in return mentions court to her and tries to get me to fight her for full custody for being manipulative. To me all that does is puts the kids at a tug-o-war so I bite the bullet.

She’s gotten free babysitting from the time we had our first son in 2012. She has most of her life been a bad mother and let my mom do most of the mother duties up until this last year or so.

 

[MikeSumthin]

Alright so... this was alot of reading and skimmed through alot.

-Nothing is wrong w you helping her financially. Especially because in the long run, it'll help support your kids.

-She is no doubt keeping you onthe back burner, especially when she gets mad for lack of contact in a certain amount of time.

-Set rules, have your attorneys draw up a child care agreement to get rid of alot of guess work.

-Stay strong, work on yourself and spend quality time w your kids. Move on.

 

[Beau]

Last post.

1. No child has ever suffered irreparable damage because their grandmother did not watch them every day (or at all). Stop blaming your kids, which is what you are doing. This is your failure to act, and it is fear based. Step up and do something. Children are, however, damaged by crappy parenting, and we know they have one crappy parent already. Why would you add yourself to that list? Actions have consequences. The consequence of her having violated the marriage may mean that she, your ex., and your kids, no longer get the benefit of Mom's babysitting. Stop rescuing her.

2. Tell your mother (1) being manipulative is not a legal reason to change custody, (2) that you are an adult and she needs to mind her own business, (3) that if you want her opinion you will ask her, and (4) opinions are like a$$holes, meaning everyone has them, but they need not share them with others.

You can find solutions.

You don't want to.

You can fight for full custody. You should. But that has to be what you do, not what Mom wants. I would fight with all of my might for full custody. They are YOUR KIDS, and they need mentoring, leadership, loving and strength. The last thing they will benefit from is being subject to unbridled promiscuity and an adulterous lifestyle.

Man up and be an active participant in your life.

 

[Beau]

I didn’t read pages 2 or 3, but Beau is giving you solid wisdom just above this post.

You can springboard from this into being a better person, or you can continue scraping the bottom.
I think you may be focused on the wrong things. Are you really wanting a relationship? Why? The situation is not solely your fault, but it sounds like you haven’t been fulfilling your responsibility to lead your family either. Do you love your God? Do you love your family? The highest calling in love biblically is self-sacrificial love (ie 1 John 3:16, 1 John 4:10). It’s time to look outside of these fleeting and sinful things like sex, your cheating spouse/ex-wife, and money, and start pursuing the hearts of your children. I fully encourage you to seek counseling (please do not take this as condescending - it takes real strength in character to reach out for loving wisdom and guidance instead of continuing down a dysfunctional path). I fully encourage you to seek 100% custody of your children and move them in with you. Fight for them. Fight for your children. If you don’t, don’t expect to look into the mirror the rest of your life and see someone you care for, love, and respect. Your wife left you, but that DOES NOT mean you hand your children over to a woman like our culture tries to push down our throats. You keep your family centralized to the head of the household, and you raise those children to know and seek God. Then you don’t have to pass on your own human failings, but you get to recognize them together and humbly seek righteous living together. This serves them for their lifetime, instead of idolizing a father and then seeking out the world when they realize their father is broken (like we all are).

This is the order of the family, and setting your heart on this will most likely bring your wife incredible jealousy. You do not seek jealousy in a spouse, you seek a loved helper and partner you would willingly lay your life down for if required. This will attract women in general, but be patient and discerning in knowing and trusting another enough to be sure their desire is to grow a right life with you. The sex that outflows from that is deeper and more fulfilling than the fleeting lusts of lesser relationships - not the point, but a wholly good thing in its own.

Your children are watching you right now, and the behavior and patterns they are seeing are going to be etched into their minds forever. Be the head and leader they deserve, do not seek to serve yourself.

I could not agree more. This is a brilliant post. Thank you.

 

[johnny412]

You’re right. I’m immature for falling for a girl and somewhere during the marriage she suddenly flips into a completely different person - cheats on me, lied to me about it, has me thinking we are spending time apart just so I’ll go along with what she’s doing, takes me for everything I have and then after the divorce is final… her real person comes out. Until you’ve walked in my shoes and been through that and lost everything seemingly overnight, keep your petty ass comments to yourself.

i have walked in your shoes thats why im telling you you are an idiot for not having any self respect for yourself and even considering sticking around with her smdh but thats ok buddy you do you its your life. wtf were you expecting by posting this?

 

[-MVP-]

i have walked in your shoes thats why im telling you you are an idiot for not having any self respect for yourself and even considering sticking around with her smdh but thats ok buddy you do you its your life. wtf were you expecting by posting this?

Idk. Maybe a “how would you handle this” type thing. I used to have self respect. I let her convince me I was the reason she cheated, I was the reason for all these things. Sometimes you have to hear yourself tell someone else about your situation to raeally comprehend how it sounds. One day I hope to look back at this and say “wow I was an idiot”.

 

[-MVP-]

Last post.

1. No child has ever suffered irreparable damage because their grandmother did not watch them every day (or at all). Stop blaming your kids, which is what you are doing. This is your failure to act, and it is fear based. Step up and do something. Children are, however, damaged by crappy parenting, and we know they have one crappy parent already. Why would you add yourself to that list? Actions have consequences. The consequence of her having violated the marriage may mean that she, your ex., and your kids, no longer get the benefit of Mom's babysitting. Stop rescuing her.

The problem is she is unfit. I don’t have proof of that and I can’t get proof without violating her privacy.

2. Tell your mother (1) being manipulative is not a legal reason to change custody, (2) that you are an adult and she needs to mind her own business, (3) that if you want her opinion you will ask her, and (4) opinions are like a$$holes, meaning everyone has them, but they need not share them with others.

My mom just doesn’t want to have her grandkids taken from her when she’s been such huge parts of their lives. My mom and dad absolutely adore our kids and love spending time with them. My mom knows my ex is an overall bad parent, but unfortunately I have to have solid proof of some terrible things to win that in court.

You can find solutions.

You don't want to.

You can fight for full custody. You should. But that has to be what you do, not what Mom wants. I would fight with all of my might for full custody. They are YOUR KIDS, and they need mentoring, leadership, loving and strength. The last thing they will benefit from is being subject to unbridled promiscuity and an adulterous lifestyle.

Man up and be an active participant in your life.

I know I need to. Right now I’m out of work and don’t even have a vehicle. Right now I can’t even get to the gym. The only thing I can do is wait for her to screw up, which she likely will.

 

[Kronic]

maintain and strengthen your kids, hit the gym, dial your diet, the rest doesn't really matter tbh

 

[THOR 70]

Bro....She sounds like a lunatic. You gotta realize there are much more grounded and wholesome women out there. Man up and go hunt one down.

Focus all your attention on loving your kids, then loving yourself.

Best of luck

 

[sammpedd88]

IMO you gotta move on. Easier said then done. Get the custody of the kids figured out and ALWAYS take them during your time. Always do quality things with them. Not just video games and TV. Never talk bad about their Mom. Move on. Get fit and sexy. Work Hard.. Go out and mingle but don't get too drunk where you will do or say something stupid. To help protect yourself, keep data, keep a daily journal of things you do with your kids, things your Ex says, changes or makes you do. But only use if you gotta go to court. Don't throw that info in her face. Be the positive adult in your kids life.

I don't have divorce experience but I do have 3 kids. Kids and Marriage are freaking hard. Another thing I see a lot of is divorce parents (I am a teacher and many of my students parents are divorced and talk to me about it) try to one up each other with presents. Man that turns ugly and turns kids ungrateful or resentful towards the other. Why? I believe it's because not enough quality time is spent with kids. Get off the phones and TV's and go build something, play board games, go fishing. Winter time is hard but as it warms up you will get more opportunities to do things.

Good luck man. Praying for you and your family.

Man your first paragraph sounds like it came straight from a divorce attorney! When I went thigh my divorce, that’s some of the same recommendations he gave me.

This is great info man! It’s hard to move on but you HAVE TO of you want to survive! You’re slowly killing yourself by not moving on.

 

[Smont]

This is my 2 cents and it may be a little harsh but whatever.

If a woman cheats on you and you take her back or try to win her back, then your a damn fool and if/when she cheats on you again in the future it's your own fault. I have not been in a relationship where I was cheated on, or if I was I didn't know. But one thing for certain, there is no scenario where I would stay with someone who cheated. I have a 13 and 15 year old with my girl and if she cheated I'd chuck her out the front door like Uncle Phil throwing jazzy Jeff out the mansion.

 

[kjscatch]

Hey @-MVP- hope you are getting things figured out and are going better.

 

[thebigt]

This is my 2 cents and it may be a little harsh but whatever.

If a woman cheats on you and you take her back or try to win her back, then your a damn fool and if/when she cheats on you again in the future it's your own fault. I have not been in a relationship where I was cheated on, or if I was I didn't know. But one thing for certain, there is no scenario where I would stay with someone who cheated. I have a 13 and 15 year old with my girl and if she cheated I'd chuck her out the front door like Uncle Phil throwing jazzy Jeff out the mansion.

you were doing great until uncle phil and jazzy jeff?

 

[Smont]

you were doing great until uncle phil and jazzy jeff?

TV show from the 90's, the fresh prince of Bel-Air. Uncle Phil hated Wills friend jazzy Jeff. So he regularly grabbed him by the back of his shirt and the seat of his pants and threw him face first out the front door

 

[Smont]

TV show from the 90's, the fresh prince of Bel-Air. Uncle Phil hated Wills friend jazzy Jeff. So he regularly grabbed him by the back of his shirt and the seat of his pants and threw him face first out the front door

Actually quite a few different cast members of the show throughout the front door, but it was a very classic or iconic part of the show I guess you could call it.

 

[thebigt]

TV show from the 90's, the fresh prince of Bel-Air. Uncle Phil hated Wills friend jazzy Jeff. So he regularly grabbed him by the back of his shirt and the seat of his pants and threw him face first out the front door

ok, now i remember, i watched fresh prince several times-didn't put it together, lol...actually a decent show!!!

 

[Smont]

ok, now i remember, i watched fresh prince several times-didn't put it together, lol...actually a decent show!!!

Big part of my childhood. Will smith is a great actor, looking back at that show now it was a little cheesey but will went on to make some amazing movies.

 

[thebigt]

Big part of my childhood. Will smith is a great actor, looking back at that show now it was a little cheesey but will went on to make some amazing movies.

he is doing a new show for natgeo---welcome to earth.