I find marriage counseling does not work most of the time. The only way broken marriages work is if both husband and wife admit their part in the issue, and both are willing to let go of all bitterness toward the other, and to both say I'm willing to put 100 percent effort in the other spouse. A marriage has to be 100/100, and it can be an imperfect one because we are people, but if one person has no willingness to admit personal fault, and put themselves into the other, it won't work. And most of the time it literally take an act of God (Jesus) to accomplish this.
I customarily just post stupid things, because, well ... I suppose I am easily amused.
Let me offer an older guy's advice on Elrock's situation:
First, like Elrock, I lived in a simply horrible marriage. My ex-wife was a narcissist. She was adopted and an only child. She had attachment disorder and saw herself as a princess. She could also look me straight in the face and lie like a rug - with no pangs of guilt. So, lets add borderline personality disorder to the mix. I stayed in that disaster for 27 years.
After 19 years, and three kids (13, 10 and 6), I found out about her first affair. I was enraged, especially since she used sex throughout our marriage to control me, and said that was the only thing I wanted. I had three reasons that kept me from filing for divorce - my kids. We went to three different counselors, and spent a crap ton of money. Each one pointed to her behavior and choices, and said she needed to establish healthy boundaries. The last one, a Pastor with a Degree in Clinical Psychology, expressed concern that she seemed more concerned that others might find out about her being an adulterer, than she was knowing that she herself had been in adulterous relationship. BTW - her affair partner was the husband of her best friend, and he was a coach on two sports teams I managed. We moved the kids out of their private Christian School (where she was a teacher), I resigned as manager of two teams (one, a state champion club soccer team), I resigned from a board of directors, etc. Everyone paid a price, except for the adulterer.
We dragged on for 8 years. She was never responsible for a damned thing (except for shopping at Nordstrom) and continued as a princess without any moral compass.
Then, I found out that she, then a Director of Music Ministries at our church, was having an affair with the Choir Directer (a real sleaze, married with 4 kids). They both stood in front of the congregation for about a year, defrauding them, mocking the sanctity of marriage and they did so without even a flickering feeling of hypocrisy (they later told others that this was "part of God's plan for their lives"). As a personal note - I gladly leave blasphemy like this in the hands of others .... But, in addition to having my family split, I had to find another place of worship (and doing so had to give up some degree of support).
This time, I filed for divorce. All of the kids were either in college or High School. A year and a half later, after giving away one half of everything I had amassed over 27 years, I was free from her - except for spousal support on the remaining child support for my youngest. Hysterically, my ex-so-called-wife remarried a few weeks later - thankfully excluding me from spousal support - although her new Choir Director husband's divorce was not final (it was a big show, they didn't tell anyone that he was still married).
In subsequent years both of my sons told me that they "couldn't have done it"; meaning they couldn't have stayed in the relationship. I told them that it was because I valued the opportunity to be their Dad and was not willing to give that up and - as a father - some of the decisions you make are based on a greater good.
Now, would I do it again knowing what I now know? Yes. I fathered three children - and I did not want some other bastard raising them. I kept my end of the vows, that she shattered them did not mean I had to or should. Did I eat a crap sandwich in the process? Yes, I most certainly did - and that was my choice. Do I consider her a piece of trash? Well, sort of - but I am simply glad she is someone else's problem. I neither like or despise her, I just don't want anything to do with her. She could go bankrupt or win the lottery - either way is fine with me.
Counseling - I agree that good (and Godly) counseling can have a huge and positive impact on a relationship. It didn't in my case, but that was due to narcissism and selfishness, not bad counsel. I would urge you and your wife to do whatever you can to make it better, that way - you can honestly look your sons in the face and tell them you did everything in your power to make things work. And that is a gift to you as well.
Will it work? Maybe, maybe not - and that depends on both of you. If you both buy in and see how your individual actions have impacted the relationship - then, yes it can. If either one is so prideful that you want to hang on to "being right" (or worse "pointing to the other as solely responsible for everything bad"), then it probably won't.
In the mean time - I admire you for striving to be the best father you can be. Well done and kudos to you.
BTW - the Choir Director did not make any effort to being a good father to the children he left. One committed suicide and another became addicted to heroin.
All true.