Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!

1- why did the old woman fall over?...


... someone threw a fridge at her

2- a giraffe, tiger and a zebra all having a drink, and start to get a bit drunk, after a few large ones the giraffe passses out on the floor so the zeba and tiger decide to head home,
''you cant leave that lyin their'' shouted the barman

.... 'its not a lion its a giraffe'' replied the zebra

3-two sausages in a pan, one sausage turns to the other sausage and says'' by god its hot in ere'' the other sausage replies ''AAAAAAGGGGGGGHH A TALKING SAUSAGE''

4- two cows in a feild one cow says''mmooooooo'' te other cow says ' i was just about to say that'
 
warren said:
1- why did the old woman fall over?...


... someone threw a fridge at her

2- a giraffe, tiger and a zebra all having a drink, and start to get a bit drunk, after a few large ones the giraffe passses out on the floor so the zeba and tiger decide to head home,
''you cant leave that lyin their'' shouted the barman

.... 'its not a lion its a giraffe'' replied the zebra

3-two sausages in a pan, one sausage turns to the other sausage and says'' by god its hot in ere'' the other sausage replies ''AAAAAAGGGGGGGHH A TALKING SAUSAGE''

4- two cows in a feild one cow says''mmooooooo'' te other cow says ' i was just about to say that'
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:think:

I dont get any or them
 
AlexParty said:
That got me crackin up good job :djparty:
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Thanks ! lol Hey, does it cut off halfway through the vid for everyone ? If so, jut go youtube, then copy and paste in "Brian Regan_on working out"
 
JDF said:
:think:

I dont get any or them
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lol its our brity humour lol i dont think you guys over the pond get it, i think our umore is very dry compared to yours.

and the other ones i know are rasist lol so didnt want to post them. (im not rasist btw my sis bf and a good friend of mine is black and i tell him the same jokes ) but i understand some people are more sensitive to it.
 
warren said:
lol its our brity humour lol i dont think you guys over the pond get it, i think our humor is very dry compared to yours.

and the other ones i know are rasist lol so didnt want to post them. (im not rasist btw my sis bf and a good friend of mine is black and i tell him the same jokes ) but i understand some people are more sensitive to it.
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It is dry compared to ours, but I got it.
Gotta imagine the jokes being told with a British accent. I prefer to imagine the bad, Eliza Doolittle imitation from my fair lady.
The before version :)
 
Two blonde hunters were dragging a deer back to their truck when another hunter happened by. "I don't want to tell you what to do," he said, "but it’s easier if you drag the deer the other way so the antlers don't dig into the ground."

After the hunter left, the two decided to try it his way. After a while, one said to the other, "Man that guy was right. This is easier.”

"Yeah," the other replied, "but we keep getting further and further away from the truck."
 
Bassgod272 you win!!

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but seran wrap. The psychiatrist calls him into the office and when he sees him he says "I obviously don't even need to speak with you, as I can clearly see your nuts."
 
Remember when Kramer got racist in the comedy club? Well here's a Seinfeld spoof of that incident:

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojRRqrXXFyU"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/nomedia]
 
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/nomedia] .... check out theese two they are hilarious
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYp2Aloz-uE"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/nomedia]
 
What did one old woman's boob say to the other?

"Perk Up or people are going to think were nuts."
 
AK32408 said:
You already used this joke on page 3 ;)
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Son of a B****, All the jokes I know would probably get me banned, its hard to use my clean ones lol.

Anyways a sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some Nachos, bartender says
"sorry we don't serve food here."
 
pmiller383 said:
Son of a B****, All the jokes I know would probably get me banned, its hard to use my clean ones lol.

Anyways a sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some Nachos, bartender says
"sorry we don't serve food here."
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lol It's ok, I almost posted a vid I already posted earlier. I'm starting to run out of funny stuff and like u said, most of the jokes I know is stuff that can get you banned lol so it's tough finding new material. That's why I'm mostly posting funny pics and vids instead.
 
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
 
what did the egg say when it was put into boiling water?
Sorry, it might take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid.
 
West Virginia Friends

WEST VIRGINIA FRIENDS, THIS IS THE WAY IT GOES ON 25TH STREET.... FRIENDS: Will wait patiently with you in the long line to the bathroom and hold the stall door shut. WV FRIENDS: Will shine a spotlight on you while your drunk a$$ is taking a piss in the bushes. --------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs WV---- FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fugly chick you tried to pick up ---------FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home. WV FRIENDS: Know some wild **** will happen, and set up rally points. -------------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. WV FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that **** was fun " ------------------------------------------------------ FRIENDS: Cry with you. WV FRIENDS: laugh at you --------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. WV FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place. -------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone. WV FRIENDS: Will crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team. -------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. WV FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. ------------------------------------------------------ FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. WV FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you. -------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. WV FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" ---------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar. WV FRIENDS: Will buck up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out. ------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come. WV FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night. ----------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough. WV FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that ****, you know we don't waste. That's alcohol abuse!!!" ------------------------------------------ FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week. WV Friends: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long. (*No ****!*) --------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore". WV FRIENDS: Will say "okay, just one more..." and then 2 minutes later "okay, just one more!". ------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Will talk **** to the person who talks **** about you. WV FRIENDS: Will knock them the **** out!! ---------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Will ignore this WV FRIENDS: Will re-post this to ALL of their KICKASS friends!! Hero
 
THE POLICE ARE LOOKING FOR A SUSPECT DESCRIBED AS: FUNNY---SEXY---& GREAT IN BED!!!!! YOUR ASS IS SAFE,BUT WERE THE F*%K SHOULD I HIDE:run:
 
This is pretty old but it's funny as hell:

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILxUpK5YY_8"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/nomedia]
 
AlexParty; said:
...but it's funny as hell:...
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Sure is! Hopefully, jjohn sees it as such, too! :thumbsup:
 
Looks at someone who is about 6'7-6'8

Me: "You know the whole if a tree falls and no ones around, does it make a sound thing?"

Friend: yeah...

Me: So if he falls... does it still make a sound of no one is around?

:d
 
i think dead baby jokes are hilarious so ill post a new one everyday.....but to start

Whats better than ten dead babies in a trashcan?

One dead baby ripped apart into ten different trashcans

BUT WHAT IS WORSE!?!?!?!

Nine dead babies while one live one attempts to eat its way out
 
getupforletdo; said:
i think dead baby jokes are hilarious so ill post a new one everyday.....but to start

Whats better than ten dead babies in a trashcan?

One dead baby ripped apart into ten different trashcans

BUT WHAT IS WORSE!?!?!?!

Nine dead babies while one live one attempts to eat its way out
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Hilarious? I personally find this repulsive and distasteful.
 
Jim Breuer's SNL Auction, The obnoxious guy, I thought this was funny, we've all seen this guy before:

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMXpDnmdfz4&feature=related"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/nomedia]
 
getupforletdo said:
i think dead baby jokes are hilarious so ill post a new one everyday.....but to start

Whats better than ten dead babies in a trashcan?

One dead baby ripped apart into ten different trashcans

BUT WHAT IS WORSE!?!?!?!

Nine dead babies while one live one attempts to eat its way out
Click to expand...

My shake doesn't really pass right once I read that...
 
getupforletdo said:
i think dead baby jokes are hilarious so ill post a new one everyday.....but to start

Whats better than ten dead babies in a trashcan?

One dead baby ripped apart into ten different trashcans

BUT WHAT IS WORSE!?!?!?!

Nine dead babies while one live one attempts to eat its way out
Click to expand...

WOW I missed that. How old are you? Not insulting but that's immature and disturbing.
 
jjohn; said:
My shake doesn't really pass right once I read that...
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I get you, jjohn. I had a nauseating feeling myself on reading that contribution. See post #282.


You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.
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getupforletdo said:
i think dead baby jokes are hilarious so ill post a new one everyday.....but to start

Whats better than ten dead babies in a trashcan?

One dead baby ripped apart into ten different trashcans

BUT WHAT IS WORSE!?!?!?!

Nine dead babies while one live one attempts to eat its way out
Click to expand...


These won't win my vote
 
Jesse and the Devil


One day in the near future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it, was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water, with bottles of scotch chained to the bottom. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . .


are you ready?????








(This is priceless!)









"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 
Here is a list of 60 things that you never want to hear a woman tell you once she sees you naked

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
 
some pretty funny ish in here. i wish i could participate bc i would love to win some x-factor but i am terrible with jokes even though i am a funny person :confused: keep up the good ones guys i like a lot of em lol
 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So t he little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****!
 
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