I Don't Even Want to Ask .....

[Beau]

Guys,

Tread lightly on this one; please - for the sake of all that is good in the world..

Here is what is troubling me: As I've posted before, in the last month I found out that my (now estranged) wife has been having another affair (her 2nd in 8 years). We've been married 27 years. She wants to marry the little elf (and you should see him - die hards can probably find pictures of this little bastard on the net). I give up - she is your's, Keebler-man.

Don't take me wrong - I still love her in a lot of ways; although having to face the fact that she is a premeditating liar is helping overcome that. You love someone you've know that long - I just have had to learn she isn't anything close to really being the person I thought she was. I have to accept that she lacks the integrity/character/morality that made her attractive to me in the first place. But - at one time, she was a really decent person; yet being an only child and adopted - she has always horribly selfish. She is no longer decent; but she has managed to hold on to the horribly selfish part. The most irritating part is that she puts up such a good act; everyone loves her. That is, except me and my sons - my daughter is caught in her web. But most people don't realize it is just an act. We will be divorcing. I'll be paying through the nose. Enough sad stuff.

Here is the real question: Guys - I'm 48 years old, full head of hair (original color - no gray), a Corp. VP, I'm 5'10", 170 lbs (impending divorce, heart break and stress sure killed some weight), blah, blah.

The problem - every time I go out I imagine only being able to date women my own age. Well, most women my age look, ummm, not so good. I've been out of the hunt SO LONG that I can't even imagine a younger woman even looking at a guy my age. I am no where near wanting any type of relationship - I've got a lot of grieving to get over what I am going through now. But still, I'd like to look forward to something ......

Even in So Cal I'm finding that many of the women in my age group just, umm, are not attractive. For example, I went to Costco the other day (I know, not exactly the best place) and looking around made me want to kill myself - I found myself in the midst of really unattractive women. Some were frightening. The ones I noticed would probably be much closer to dating my sons, that they would dating me. I'm not digging the Bea Arthur meet Aunt Bea look. Down periscope.

Ideas?

 

[Dr Packenwood]

When I was surprised with a divorce 1.5 years ago I found myself in a similar boat. 31, kind of out of shape due to the ol lady being a whore about me working out, being she worked out harder and we needed to fund her supplements, lest I digress, I was feeling horrible about my situaiton.

I lost 15 lbs, but got bigger by working out and adjusting my diet in about 4 months.

Then I changed my whole outlook on things. I stopped being "the guy that got dumped" and started thinking of myself and the guy that was going to start dating.

I started out simple. A smile. Any girl I was attracted to. If I looked at them, and they looked down, that was a submissive. When they looked back up, there was a smile waiting for them.

If they looked to the side, there weren't interested and I went on my way.

EVERYWHERE I WENT I made it a goal to find 1 woman to smile at.

3 months later I'm a 31 year old guy not even all the way divorced yet dating a 21 year old. Then it was me dating her and a 24 year old. Pretty soon I'm dating 3 women.

Once I started it was like falling off a log.

Then I found the girl I'm with now, and have been for nearly a year.

Going through those stages of just smiling, to dating around, to actually finding someone worth keeping was the way it worked for me this go around.

Your attitude will mean the world to a woman. Women don't care as much about looks as they do attitude. Be the guy that chooses them. Don't be the guy that begs them to choose you. They'll chase you with the right attitude. Don't be cocky though. Be interesting. Don't be the sad guy that needs a woman to cheer him up. Be the guy that laughs when he's talking in a group with his friends.

When me and my friends would go out we'd just find a place and start bs'ing. 5-10 minutes go by and we're surrounded by people. Alot of them were women. It isn't hard, you just have to find out what works best for you.

You will get rejected. But you got rejected by a woman that wasn't worth your time. If she was, she wouldn't have rejected you.

Good luck and have fun.

P.S. Don't ever try to win a woman over with money and appeasement. Do it with sincerety and by being you.

 

[CDB]

If you've still got your looks, you just have to get into practice again. All men lose their game to a degree when they're out of the game for so long. As for the younger chicks, if your looks are good you could use the mature/richer angle to get yourself some tail. For me it's easy. I'm 30 but I look younger. One trip to an 18 and over club and eye contact buys you a blow job. That's another option, mix with a crowd whose game is even worse than yours. It's trashy and probably unforgivable on some level, but they also screw like jack rabbits and, when you are essentially not going into a relationship and not looking for one, who cares? Mutual using of one another for a good night's fling.Try for women in their 30s. Plenty of single ones in that age bracket who still have their looks for the most part. Perfect if you're looking for something but not a relationship or anything too serious at least.

 

[Beau]

Wow- thanks. Really - thanks.

I've been the sad person long enough. Recovering from the first affair killed a part of me deep inside - it never recovered. I've had to learn to grieve this stuff - and it sure doesn't come naturally to me. Its much easier just to stay pissed - but that accomplishes nothing; worse than nothing- really. I feel as if I'm getting my passion for life back, or I will be soon. Before - I couldn't even imagine that. I think the grieving second affair will help me work through some of the incomplete garbage hanging on from the first one.

I realize 48 isn't 31, but being yourself is being yourself regardless of age. I need to get some of "myself" back, my self esteem has been clobbered - actually I'm a pretty decent dude.

I've realized both affairs were her moral failures, not mine. I've assigned a good deal of meaning to them; but it has all been at my expense. Not any more. I am working on changing my thought process. All of this sounds so "venus/mars". Yikes.

The bottom line is I couldn't control what she chose to do, only she could do that. And so to, only I can control what I do - and what I think. Although I wish she would have made better choices and had more self-respect - those are her issues.

I'm trying to get back in touch with the parts of me "I like"; they've been lost a while.

Thanks again.

 

[Dr Packenwood]

Wow- thanks. Really - thanks.

I've been the sad person long enough. Recovering from the first affair killed a part of me deep inside - it never recovered. I've had to learn to grieve this stuff - and it sure doesn't come naturally to me. Its much easier just to stay pissed - but that accomplishes nothing; worse than nothing- really. I feel as if I'm getting my passion for life back, or I will be soon. Before - I couldn't even imagine that. I think the grieving second affair will help me work through some of the incomplete garbage hanging on from the first one.

I realize 48 isn't 31, but being yourself is being yourself regardless of age. I need to get some of "myself" back, my self esteem has been clobbered - actually I'm a pretty decent dude.

I've realized both affairs were her moral failures, not mine. I've assigned a good deal of meaning to them; but it has all been at my expense. Not any more. I am working on changing my thought process. All of this sounds so "venus/mars". Yikes.

The bottom line is I couldn't control what she chose to do, only she could do that. And so to, only I can control what I do - and what I think. Although I wish she would have made better choices and had more self-respect - those are her issues.

I'm trying to get back in touch with the parts of me "I like"; they've been lost a while.

Thanks again.

Seriously, take some time to get out and be alone somewhere, where you can think things out. I spent a great deal of time hiking up in the mountains, at the gym etc, with head phones on to keep people from talking to me, just thinking about how much better off I was. How I was now in control of where I was going in life, and now I didn't have to worry that in nearly 8 years of marriage I was pennyless, and for the most part homeless.

8 months after we split, I had more money in cash, plus paid my truck off plus bought a new one....can't tell you what a relief it really was.

I don't know you, but I'm familiar with the situation. In a years time, you'll be in a better place. In 2 years time you'll be glad things went like they did.

I won't get too estrogenic here, but right now as I sit, I would publicly say I'd go through all of those years of **** to be with the woman I'm with now. I wouldn't have met her had I not gone through it all. It was totally worth it in my opinion. I paid my dues in full for sure, and was rewarded justly.

 

[neoborn]

The term "who's yo daddy" should come to mind because I am sure you will have no problem finding some fun wrapped up in a nice lil 25 - 30yr old.

I am sure you will find love and it will be awesome! Don't give up and remember you will attract what you spend your time thinking about / focusing on and giving all your energy too.....roll on the lil hotties!

Much Love,

Neoborn

 

[bioman]

Excellent observations DP. I hate the way a lot of guys pursue women...with arrogance and aggression or some goofy coy mind games. Wooing a woman is a fine art full of nuance and a man should be responsive to that nuance yet still have unwavering confidence.

I was terribly, horribly shy before I met my wife. When I did meet her, I made up my mind and resolved to go after her 100%, be patient with her hesitations and just stay the course. It panned out well, this being our 10th anniversary year.

 

[xjsynx]

Seriously, take some time to get out and be alone somewhere, where you can think things out. I spent a great deal of time hiking up in the mountains, at the gym etc, with head phones on to keep people from talking to me, just thinking about how much better off I was. How I was now in control of where I was going in life, and now I didn't have to worry that in nearly 8 years of marriage I was pennyless, and for the most part homeless.

I couldn't agree more.

You just had your heart ripped out, don't be so quick to date again. I think you have so serious soul searching before you do so, or else you could have a jaded outlook and distrust with the next relationship you have.

And I am sorry, but beauty is only skin deep. If you find yourself with an attractive younger women, you could possibly set yourself up for another heart break. Sure looks matter, but I think you should worry about morals and character first.

 

[Dr Packenwood]

I couldn't agree more.

Sure looks matter, but I think you should worry about morals and character first.

I pursued morals and character, because thats what I have. I happened upon a woman that was very attractive as well. I tend to believe you attract what you are, and I couldn't be happier at this point. I found someone that was just like me, not that opposites attract bs. We joke that the only difference between us is I'm 2x her size (I'm about 210, she's around 125), and I pee standing up.

 

[Sunder]

I started out simple. A smile. Any girl I was attracted to. If I looked at them, and they looked down, that was a submissive. When they looked back up, there was a smile waiting for them.

If they looked to the side, there weren't interested and I went on my way.

Excellent advice and observation. I never really thought of it before that looking down meant a possible submissive yes, while looking sideways meant no interest. I'm going to remember that.

I know how you feel about the state of women your age. I'm 33 and ended an 8yr relationship in spring. Most girls close to my age that I've met...time has just not been nice to them (or their bad habits caught up to them). It was pretty depressing. Especially since I'm kinda a "smart" guy and am attracted to smart girls "good" girls for some reason...
I also noticed that it was usually the older crowd that made any first contacts (like on Facebook, etc).

Now I'm flirty and a fun sarcastic around girls, and feel more like myself in doing so. I'm also hanging around girls in their early 20's at the moment too, lol. Not necessarily on purpose - but I'm filming a feature movie, and they're on set. They just assumed I was about 26ish, which I found funny. I didn't realize just how young they were until I figured out that when they said "I haven't done that since high school" meant something entirely different than when I said it, lol.

Of course, all the cute ones there are already in a relationship - but that just means I can flirt away without fear of "rejection" now, lol. It was just a nice feeling knowing that I actually can find some mature early 20 girls. One of these days, I'll come across a single one, lol.

It was an interesting observation to me at how "myself" I acted with a girl that was already taken/safe vs a girl I was interested in and available.

Stay confident, stay fun and smile. That's about the only advice I can give...especially since I don't exactly have too many ladies beating down my door, lol.

 

[Beau]

Thanks guys.

Make no mistake - I'll be taking as much time as it takes to heal. I don't care how long it takes. No one can be happy in a relationship unless/until they are happy with themselves. I have a great deal of devastation to get over, and need to rebuild the capacity to trust.

My comments were really just based on casual "window shopping" (and I'm sure that sounds terrible). In any case, it hasn't been very encouraging.

For the record, of course looks are nice; but they are meaningless in a relationship unless the person having them has character loyalty and integrity - and a genuine interest in being in that relationship.

 

[Sunder]

So last weekend I had to shoot a sex scene in a tent out in the cold, and then run out of the tent and get choked out by barbwire.

While they're adjusting the lights, the actress had to leave for a minute, and they needed a stand in. So one of the other girls straddled me while I was safely under the covers (trying to stay warm - it was very cold). I then joked that I was still cold and needed more girls. Next thing you know, I had 3 girls on top of me at one point, which was sadly the highlight of my night, lol.

But the point is, joke, have fun, be confident, and give girls a "safe opening". They usually want to do stuff, they just don't want to look like they want to do stuff, and need a socially acceptable excuse. You see - they're weren't "on top of me", they were helping with the lighting and keeping an actor warm - which makes it ok even to their boyfriends.

Kinda like how a good girl won't go back to your house to make-out. But she'll go to your house to see your rock collection or to give you ideas on your refinished bathroom. If something happens while she's there - that's just an unplanned thing and wasn't her intention - she's still a good girl. A good female friend clued me into that.

Sorry - I have no still pics of the actual scene, lol - it was a closed set and no cameras were allowed except for the one video camera. I was just looking for an excuse to show a pic with some young hunnies on me while I'm naked underneath the covers, lol. You're never too old for young girls!
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[ReaperX]

I feel like a lot of people lose touch of what being in a relationship means. It does not mean for the time being, or something for fun. I think that is why there are a lot of people who cheat or wind up being in a lot of broken relationships and it is usually because someone in it stops respecting the other individual.

Last time I checked the divorce rate was 50% meaning that half the couples that divorced were not doing something right. That number is incredibly high.

 

[toughchick401]

Good advice, do somethings for you, hit the gym more, hike, run.....I started running even with knee issues, I love running, it's a tunnel vision, thinking thing for me......

Stay strong and when you least expect it, it will happen............

Good luck

TC

 

[Beau]

Good advice, do somethings for you, hit the gym more, hike, run.....I started running even with knee issues, I love running, it's a tunnel vision, thinking thing for me......

Stay strong and when you least expect it, it will happen............

Good luck

TC

TC - If I remember correctly (hey, I'm not THAT old), you had to endure a great deal of unwarranted pain in the past as well, correct? I hope you are doing better.

 

[jmh80]

Sunder,
Looks like you can help me on my quest to be the Jockey model on the front of all the men's underwear boxes.
ose:

 

[Iron Warrior]

The age issue is not going to work against you unless you allow it. I usually only go out with older women and being 5-8 years younger hasn't worked against me.

This is also a great time for you to explore what life has to offer. You can travel, pick up a hobby you always wanted to try. I would look at this as a blessing in a disguise

You also have to know what you're looking for and where you're going to find it. We're the hunters in this game and you gotta think like one. Try Whole Foods instead of Costco every now and then, there's a lot of talent at Whole Foods. College libraries are gold mines, especially around finals schedule. Dancing classes are a solid option. Look for events that might also help you come in contact with the type of women you're looking for. Good luck and keep your head up.

 

[b unit]

hey beau

maybe look at taking up some yoga, you may meet some classy women in your age group that know how to take care of themselves and yoga is great to do anyway so take up yoga without the intent of "looking" for a decent women and i'm sure you're bound to meet one

just my 2 cents dude

all the best though

 

[toughchick401]

TC - If I remember correctly (hey, I'm not THAT old), you had to endure a great deal of unwarranted pain in the past as well, correct? I hope you are doing better.

I am doing ok thanks......I have decided to work, (teach full time something i love, and enjoy) work part time (handicapped adults group home)...and now back in school for nursing, so with all that, leaves no time for dating, and i am ok with that..........(not saying to do that...LOL ) But sometimes you need the break..........and I do

I guess I am saying, focus on you, and your likes and if it's meant to be, it will

Wishing you the best as always...........

TC

 

[Iron Warrior]

hey beau

maybe look at taking up some yoga, you may meet some classy women in your age group that know how to take care of themselves and yoga is great to do anyway so take up yoga without the intent of "looking" for a decent women and i'm sure you're bound to meet one

just my 2 cents dude

all the best though

Of course, he's in yoga to become more flexible and healthier, not necessarily pick up women

 

[Xodus]

Kinda like how a good girl won't go back to your house to make-out. But she'll go to your house to see your rock collection or to give you ideas on your refinished bathroom. If something happens while she's there - that's just an unplanned thing and wasn't her intention - she's still a good girl. A good female friend clued me into that.

God that is so true...

:cheers:


X

 

[CDB]

Yeah, its funny how girls justify some things :think:

My favorite is the 'black out'. A woman who can drink you under the table any other night all of a sudden gets giddy after one beer and 'blacks out' and doesn't remember the night or anything that happened. Women lose their ability to hold their alcohol at very convenient times.

 

[CDB]

:toofunny:
Yeah I love how women use the "I was drunk" to justify their hornyness. Its worked to my advantage :twisted:

It's more of a turn off for me these days. Mostly because the majority of women I see using it are in 'committed' relationships or even married. And the guys, well at least they're not making excuses or BSing around the point. They're just cheaters. But, all told, I'm getting kind of tired seeing adults play kid's games. I'm wondering if anyone ever actually grows up. My last relationship ended badly, I took some serious time to get my **** together and I'm kind of edging my way back into things and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. Adults acting like high school kids for the most part.

 

[Dr Packenwood]

It's more of a turn off for me these days. Mostly because the majority of women I see using it are in 'committed' relationships or even married. And the guys, well at least they're not making excuses or BSing around the point. They're just cheaters. But, all told, I'm getting kind of tired seeing adults play kid's games. I'm wondering if anyone ever actually grows up. My last relationship ended badly, I took some serious time to get my **** together and I'm kind of edging my way back into things and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. Adults acting like high school kids for the most part.

Not once, but twice I got the same girl away from her 'boyfriend' at 2 different parties. The last one, the guy left the room for 5 minutes to get change for the pool table at the front desk of a hotel lobby this party was being held at, and we left for a different club about 20 miles away then she spent the night at my house.
Not once...twice.
lmfao and yes, she was 'intoxicated' or something. Glad she's not my problem.
And yes, she and he are 'still together'.

 

[Irish Cannon]

I've finally made my list for the perfect woman in my eye:

Taking applications, btw.

Tobacco free
Healthy lifestyle
Reads regularly
learns about current events
Values the experiences and opinions of others
Good sense of humor
Good taste in music
Graceful
Caring
Friendly
Mature
Strong, brave, and confident
Aspiration
Supportive
Enjoys silence
Balanced
Values the environment
Independent
Giving
Honest
Musical
Attractive
Articulate
Sympathetic to others
Logical
Quirky
Fun
Optimistic
Happy
Spiritually inclined
Lover of conversation
Believer of greatness
Seeker of purpose
Intellectual
Expressive of thoughts and feelings with words, actions, and other means
Invested in personal growth

 

[Dr Packenwood]

I've finally made my list for the perfect woman in my eye:

Taking applications, btw.

Tobacco free
Healthy lifestyle
Reads regularly
learns about current events
Values the experiences and opinions of others
Good sense of humor
Good taste in music
Graceful
Caring
Friendly
Mature
Strong, brave, and confident
Aspiration
Supportive
Enjoys silence
Balanced
Values the environment
Independent
Giving
Honest
Musical
Attractive
Articulate
Sympathetic to others
Logical
Quirky
Fun
Optimistic
Happy
Spiritually inclined
Lover of conversation
Believer of greatness
Seeker of purpose
Intellectual
Expressive of thoughts and feelings with words, actions, and other means
Invested in personal growth

You know, I was gonna make some smart ass retort about your list, but then I remembered....

When I got around to getting over my divorce I put together a 'list' similar to that one. Each item had some what of a ranking. I don't know if you put yours in order, but I like where you put attractive.

Looks get our attention, but they don't keep us together.

Good list. I kept mine in my head. Probably not the safest thing to do.:toilet:

 

[Irish Cannon]

You know, I was gonna make some smart ass retort about your list, but then I remembered....

When I got around to getting over my divorce I put together a 'list' similar to that one. Each item had some what of a ranking. I don't know if you put yours in order, but I like where you put attractive.

Looks get our attention, but they don't keep us together.

Good list. I kept mine in my head. Probably not the safest thing to do.:toilet:

I used to think that I was way too picky, but then I realized that most people just aren't picky enough. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, you need to choose wisely. I won't settle for any woman that doesn't fit every one of those qualities that I listed.

 

[Xodus]

I've finally made my list for the perfect woman in my eye:

Taking applications, btw.

Tobacco free
Healthy lifestyle
Reads regularly
learns about current events
Values the experiences and opinions of others
Good sense of humor
Good taste in music
Graceful
Caring
Friendly
Mature
Strong, brave, and confident
Aspiration
Supportive
Enjoys silence
Balanced
Values the environment
Independent
Giving
Honest
Musical
Attractive
Articulate
Sympathetic to others
Logical
Quirky
Fun
Optimistic
Happy
Spiritually inclined
Lover of conversation
Believer of greatness
Seeker of purpose
Intellectual
Expressive of thoughts and feelings with words, actions, and other means
Invested in personal growth

This is great and very apropos!

A few months back I was going through some **** with an X ( I left her after a few year relationship) and was feeling pretty down about everything. I have been flying solo the last year trying to be 'picky' about my next one, I'm getting older and don't want to waste a few more years in another dead end relationship.

Anyway, I met the most fantastic woman, and I think we're hitting it off great. After getting to know 'her', I tell her that I wish I had made a physical list, not just the one in my head, so I could show her how many I could check off (it was a little smoother delivery than that). When I finished, she reaches into her purse and pulls out her list! She made it 3 days before she met me!

Lots of check marks!

:cheers:

I guess what I am saying is, put together that list, keep it in your wallet and on your mind, you will attract AND find exactly what you are looking for.


X

 

[CDB]

And yes, she and he are 'still together'.

It's nice to have those girls around when you're young and nailing everything that moves. As you get older, it gets old. Not like I'm a relationship king though. The last two women I was with both had to basically hit me over the head with the fact that they were interested before I noticed. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to flirting and socializing in general.

 

[toughchick401]

I've finally made my list for the perfect woman in my eye:

Taking applications, btw.

Tobacco free
Healthy lifestyle
Reads regularly
learns about current events
Values the experiences and opinions of others
Good sense of humor
Good taste in music
Graceful
Caring
Friendly
Mature
Strong, brave, and confident
Aspiration
Supportive
Enjoys silence
Balanced
Values the environment
Independent
Giving
Honest
Musical
Attractive
Articulate
Sympathetic to others
Logical
Quirky
Fun
Optimistic
Happy
Spiritually inclined
Lover of conversation
Believer of greatness
Seeker of purpose
Intellectual
Expressive of thoughts and feelings with words, actions, and other means
Invested in personal growth

I have a very similiar list for "that special guy"...LOL no wonder why I am single.....I will always have the list, where with me, it's not a all or nothing, I think sometimes I am to picky, but than I have a bad date, and think..."nope they have to have everything thing on my list"..... I would add one more, be accepting of the children I work with and care for, that's huge ..................

 

[Beau]

Honestly, about the only thing I expect would be on my list in the future would be the traits/virtues of honesty, integrity, sincerity, and faithfulness. It would have to be someone "sweet" who sees relationships are something to be invested in, making a commitment to, and who is willing to put my needs above hers (just as I would need to put her needs above mine). I'm through with always being an afterthought (if that) .

I was going to make some snide comment/cheap shot about a particular body measurement being above a certain level, but that would have been a lousy thing to do, and I'm trying to be above that.

 

[Iron Warrior]

Irish Canon, when you find that girl just clone her and sell me a replica Those qualities have been hard to find in 1 person.

 

[Dr Packenwood]

I used to think that I was way too picky, but then I realized that most people just aren't picky enough. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, you need to choose wisely. I won't settle for any woman that doesn't fit every one of those qualities that I listed.

Its nice to see more people would have a list than I orignially thought. Hell, there are more people on this thread that have a list, than I know in real life that have a list.

I realized soon after I got divorced that I put more time and effort into picking out a new truck or researching supplements than I really did into choosing someone I'd marry and promise to look after for the rest of my life.

I took it quite lightly.

I know the girl I have now really fits well. Almost a year we've been dating and we think alike about nearly everything. We have little disgreements but its absolutely no where near where I was with my ex wife. After we split I made up my mind right there that if I'm ever so pissed off at someone that we're yelling back and forth, its not right at all.

The nice thing is my girl played the same role in her marriage as I did in mine. Basically a pissing post, so now we both know what we want, know how we refuse to be treated, and know how to treat someone we care about.

She's said it and I've said it....I'd do anything to help. I have, and she has. My needs are more simple that hers, but I don't worry about what I'm getting when I give to her. I give to her because I know how she feels about me.

Hopefully there are some of the younger crowd reading this taking notes.:think:

 

[Xodus]

Hopefully there are some of the younger crowd reading this taking notes.:think:

Unfortunately, I think this is something you have to learn by experience. I just hope that it doesn't come too late in life.


X