Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!
- 03-03-2008, 04:34 PM
Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!
MAKE US LAUGH!
Allright guys. I know we're out of stock, and the shipment is coming. In the meantime, time to get the spirits up, and get a contest!
I want to know the funniest joke you've heard! It can be a picture, whatever.
Limit of 1 entry per day, or you are disqualified for the whole contest!
3 winners will be chosen to run a cycle of the legendary "X"!
We'll be picking winners at the end of the month!
Last edited by jjohn; 03-03-2008 at 04:55 PM.
- 03-03-2008, 04:46 PM
Q. What do you call a bulimic vegetarian?
A. Salad shooter.MOTIV8 II Challenge
-=The Big Squirrel Nut Swingers=-
- 03-03-2008, 04:46 PM
03-03-2008, 04:49 PM
03-03-2008, 04:54 PM
03-03-2008, 05:09 PM
A guy asked a girl, have you ever had magic sex?... She replied, No, how do u do thit?..... He said,"we **** then u disapear." Tada BI@TCH!
03-03-2008, 05:44 PM
Oldie but Goodie
One of my all time favorites
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father.
Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch.
The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent.
Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
03-03-2008, 05:53 PM
03-03-2008, 06:12 PM
03-03-2008, 06:15 PM
03-03-2008, 06:25 PM
03-03-2008, 06:52 PM
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old guy, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud . I will race you around the farmhouse Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm-house and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dadgumit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
03-03-2008, 06:53 PM
This one is better when I can do all the actions and what not but I'll give it a shot...
Theres this boy you know average build, brown hair.
Hes been looking for a job for quite awhile and can't seem to find anything. The problem is he has no ARMS. It's kinda hard to find a job when you have no arms but he finally finds one.
The ad says:
Church bell ringer needed immediately
He says oh man I can ring a bell, no problem. The next day he goes to the church.
He bangs his heads on the door. BOOM BOOM BOOM.
The priest answers and says "Yes, my son".
"I'm here to apply for the job ringing the bell."
The priest looks at him and says "Well I'm sorry but I don't think your able".
He says "If I show you I can ring the bell can I have the job?"
The priest agrees and takes him inside.
They go up this HUGE flight off stairs. On top of this huge tower stands a bell. The boy gets a good running start and then BOOOOOOOM hits his head on the bell.
The priest is impressed and says perfect you have the job.
Everyday the boy comes on time and everyday gets a running start and rings the bell.
One day the boy goes for a running start and as hes running to ring the bell hits a huge crack in the floor. He trips, stumbles and falls directly down to the bottom and smashes into the concrete pavement below.
Everybody crowds around to take a look at the boy who fell.
"OMG OMG OMG WHO IS IT" a fat lady in the back of the crowd says loudly. A man kneels down, picks him up by the head and says.
"I don't know who it is but his face rings a bell!"
This joke is WAAAAAAAY funnier in person. I do all the actions and all the running starts.
03-03-2008, 07:16 PM
03-03-2008, 09:07 PM
I am Mexican but I love the joke
An American, a Cuban, a Swiss and a Mexican were traveling on a train.
So to break the ice the Cuban takes out a Cohiba Cigar, lights it on, takes 2 puffs and throws it out the window. The otehr thre guys were like
"WTF man that was a $500 dollar cigar man what the fcuk's wrong with you?"
The Cuban says (imagine cuban accent here): "no worries man back home we got sh*t loads of them, sh*t loads..."
So the Swiss guys takes a look at his watch, takes it off and throws it out the window. Everbody is like:
"WTF man that was a $4000 Rolex man what the fcuk's wrong with you?"
The Swiss guy says: "no worries man back home we got sh*t loads of them, sh*t loads..."
The American feeling bad, doesn't know what to do so he grabs the Mexican and throws him out the window!
03-03-2008, 09:42 PM
i like sick jokes..so here goes. i have a plethora of these so ill add more every day.
Q: whats more fun than throwing dead babies off of cliffs?
A: catching them with pitchforks
03-03-2008, 10:33 PM
How do you circumsize JJohn?
Kick his sister in the throat!
oops, probably shouldnt have used the contest selector in the joke......
03-03-2008, 10:51 PM
03-03-2008, 11:04 PM
A masked man runs into a local sperm bank immediately screaming "Robbery, robbery. Open the safe!!". The woman behind the counter explains "Sir, this isn't that type of bank!". He explains he doesn't give a ****, and wants her to open the safe. "But sir" she says "There is only semen in that safe", "I know b!tch, take out the cum".
Scared and quite confused, the woman starts emptying several vials of semen from the bank. "What do you want me to do with these?" she asks "Drink them" he says. "Drink them? What, why?". The masked man points the gun in her chest again and repeats "Drink them".
So, the woman goes about choking down these three vials of semen in a hurry, fearing the masked man's actions. After she finishes, the masked man takes off his mask to reveal he is in fact the woman's husband - he looks at her and says "See, was it really that bad?".
03-04-2008, 04:06 AM
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, you already told the ***** twice!
JK ladies, I love ya'll
03-04-2008, 04:17 AM
Q. What do Mike Tyson and Elton John have in common ?
A. They have both been beatin around the ring alot.
03-04-2008, 06:14 AM
03-04-2008, 07:16 AM
03-04-2008, 08:45 AM
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03-04-2008, 08:55 AM
The Pope and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?'
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'
So the Pope slapped her
03-04-2008, 09:31 AM
03-04-2008, 09:43 AM
03-04-2008, 09:47 AM
03-04-2008, 09:49 AM
03-04-2008, 09:50 AM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and says" Hey Rabbit, Does Sheat stick to your fur?". The rabbit says "No". So the Bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his Azz.
03-04-2008, 09:52 AM
03-04-2008, 11:05 AM
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Last edited by OCCFan023; 03-04-2008 at 11:24 AM.
03-04-2008, 11:19 AM
03-04-2008, 11:54 AM
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but seran wrap. The psychiatrist calls him into the office and when he sees him he says "I obviously don't even need to speak with you, as I can clearly see your nuts."
03-04-2008, 12:33 PM
An oldie but goodie!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
03-04-2008, 01:29 PM
03-04-2008, 01:43 PM
03-04-2008, 02:01 PM
i went to a mexican cantina with a donkey, and i only had a few bucks not enouf to get wasted so i told the bartender. i bet you a bottle of tequila that i can make the donkey laugh , he said ok, so i got next to the donkey and wisper at his ear, and he started to laugh really hard after a few hrs the bottle of tequila was almost empty so i aproched the bartender again and i told him that i bet him another bottle of tequila but now i was going to make the donkey cry, he said youre shetting me, i said are you on?? he said ok the i got next to the donkey again then whisper something to him and then got in front of the donkey then i went and sit and the donkey started crying. the bartender did his part of the deal and gave me the bottle of tequila, i continue to drink and drink, the barteder was staring at me and all of the sudden he got next to me and told me if you tell me how you made the donkey laugh and cry ill give you 100dlls. i told him to give me the money first, he did. then i went and told him my secret.
the first time i whispered at the donkeys and made him laugh i told him my c0ck was bigger than his, the second one i showed him that my c0ck is bigger than his and started crying
Moral of the story, Zombie has a bigger c0ck than a donkey
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