Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!

[PappaD]

Two rednecks were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

At which point, the first redneck looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work.

 

[E J]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."

 

[pavb10]

A kid is walking to school with his pet turtle.
As hes crossing the street a truck runs over his turtle.
He runs to school carrying his turtle and crying. and says to his teacher "my turtle broke his ass!!"
The teacher says "we dont use that word, we say rectum."
The kid says, "wrecked him it fVucking killed him!!"

 

[pavb10]

hey jjohn, do u want information on people? weight, height?? details?

 

[TripDog]

EasyE is really a 12 year old schoolgirl. She skips school everyday to make sure she gets her 50 posts a day. With a slammin collection of lipgloss, colored hair extensions, and Hannah Montana cd's. That is actually a picture of her mailman in her avitar.

 

[MashedPotato]

LOTR ORGY



Guaranteed to make anyone break down into tears. LOTR ending slowed wwaaaayyyyyyyyyy down w/ voice overs.

One of my all time favorites.

 

[Necroticism]

this one is from my 9th grade language arts teacher.

Q:How do you make a woman scream twice?

A: first fvck her in the a5s and then wipe your d1ck on the curtains.

 

[sogone2day]

Well here goes my entry and a damn good one if videos count "show me the xfactor!"

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMdj4DwMcK4

 

[ozarkaBRAND]

Well here goes my entry and a damn good one if videos count "show me the xfactor!"

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMdj4DwMcK4

Here's me... not laughing at all :|

 

[TripDog]

Here's me... not laughing at all :|

hahahaha

 

[ozarkaBRAND]

View attachment 20406

 

[poopypants]

Totally stolen from Digg.com, but if you got a pulse you will LOL.

http://i28.tinypic.com/3445t0p.jpg

LMAO that was pretty damn good..


matter of fact most of these are good... I liked the dead mailman from the pregnancy machine.

 

[OCCFan023]

First time I head this (Oscar part) I was dieing

 

[EasyEJL]

sigh, racist, but too funny to not share

So my friend (who happens to be black) and I were visiting Rome. Now my friend really likes to grill. So do I, but not to the same extent. Anyway, he brought along a Hibachi, and on top of visiting sites as tourists he was looking for a good place where he could start grilling. Well, we wind up touring the Vatican and we come to the Papal Gardens. This time they were closed off to the public today, but my friend was determined and jumps the fence. Reluctantly, I jump the fence and join him. He starts setting up the hibachi. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out. I'm thinking the guards are going to find us and we're gonna get arrested and kicked out of the country. At this time, I see the Popemobile coming around the bend, and I see the Pope motion to the driver in our direction. My friend dives behind some bushes and hides. I stand there, frozen in fear. The Popemobile drive up to me, the window opens and Pope leans out and says something while making the sign of the Cross and then leaves. As soon as the coast was clear, my friend comes out from behind the bushes and says, "Do You realize what has just happened? You got a Papal blessing!" I say, " I didn't get a Papal blessing." "Well, then what happened?" I reply "Well, the Holy Father came up to me and said, 'I want you (points up), the Hibachi (points down), and the nigger in the woods (points right) to get the fvck out of my Gardens! (points left)'"


works a lot better in person when you can make the gestures

 

[pmiller383]

What did one old boob say to the other?

Perk Up or people are going to think were nuts!

 

[DogSlime]

A newlywed couple moves to a small town and decide to join the local church. When they are talking to the priest he tells them that to prove their dedication to the church they have to abstain from having sex for 1 month.

The couple comes back a month later. The priest asks them if they had done as he asked. The man replies "Well it was going pretty good for the first 3 weeks, but last week my wife was grabbing a box of cereal and dropped it on the floor. When she bent over to pick it up I could not contain myself any longer. I ripped her pants off and did her right then and there." The priest says, "I'm sorry my son, but yall can not join the church." The man replies, "That's ok we're just glad they decided not to ban us from the grocery store."

 

[RedwolfWV]

The Elephant Story;

An amazing elephant story...
Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting.


In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across
a young bull elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked
the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr.
were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed
him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[Zombie]

EMERGENCY ROOM....



The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.



Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.



When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.



Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

*

It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat ....

 

[poopypants]

EMERGENCY ROOM....



The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.



Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.



When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.



Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

*

It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat ....

LMFAO!!!

I live in so cal so that hits home..... yell La Migra on the streets and watch the kiddies scatter... lol.

 

[SilentBob187]

Even if I don't make ya'll laugh, I win at awsome. :cheers:

 

[MrSalty]

Q. How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?



A. Three. 1 to screw it in and the other 2 to yell, "YOU'RE PUMPED, YOU'RE HUGE!!!"

 

[JDF]

Q. Whats the object in Jewish Football?



A. To get the quarterback

 

[rustlerracer]

its on

 

[jjohn]

LMAO rustle is cranking up the intensity!

 

[E J]

To Mr. Zombie

Dear, Mr Zombie being Mexican I do not find your joke funny



A guy from Honduras, a Colmbian and a Mexican are in a truck, who's driving?

.....

US Border Patrol

Now that's funny :drunk:


PS Please discontinue the use of Mexican-racist jokes, don't make me swim all the way up there and kick yo a$$ :rofl:

 

[Dadof2]

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down.

"Hey GL, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in Comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed __expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my a$$ is killing me

 

[Zombie]

Dear, Mr Zombie being Mexican I do not find your joke funny



A guy from Honduras, a Colmbian and a Mexican are in a truck, who's driving?

.....

US Border Patrol

Now that's funny :drunk:


PS Please discontinue the use of Mexican-racist jokes, don't make me swim all the way up there and kick yo a$$ :rofl:

entonces deveria poner chistes de pepito o de polo polo ?

 

[E J]

entonces deveria poner chistes de pepito o de polo polo ?

Solo que traducelos porque si no, nadie les va a entender lol

 

[Necroticism]

whats more fun that tying a baby up to a clothes line and spinning it in circles?

stopping it with a shovel.

 

[AK32408]

[youtube]vuZ47hsn6Z0[/youtube]

pelvic powerlifting lol

 

[Stay Puft]

Another classic video. Might be my personal all-time favorite clip under 20 seconds.

http://www.doubleviking.com/videos/tag/ouch/page0.html/8123.html

 

[RedwolfWV]

Another classic video. Might be my personal all-time favorite clip under 20 seconds.

http://www.doubleviking.com/videos/tag/ouch/page0.html/8123.html

Hehe... that was a good one. Sad part is, I remember the episode!

 

[OCCFan023]

Kneel in the presence of Paint Shop!

 

[ReaperX]

Thought this was pretty good cuz i went to highschool w/ a girl I saw on the Internet, ha

Please, tell us more about this girl you went to highschool with.

 

[JDF]

Couple of my buddies used to date her ( for obvious reasons ) so I used to go over to her house in highschool and drink with her and her friends. I was at college like 2 years ago one of my buddies from home sends me and instant message on AIM telling me that he just saw this same girl on this porn website.

I didnt believe him until I actually went to this website and looked through it until I found this girl! She had dyed her hair and I heard she was living somewhere in florida at the time but sure as sh!t that was her riding some dudes wanger on this website...I almost fell over laughing when I saw it.

Im at work so I KNOW I wont be able to get or find the website here but i'll try tonight, not sure if she'd be on it anymore though.

 

[ReaperX]

Couple of my buddies used to date her ( for obvious reasons ) so I used to go over to her house in highschool and drink with her and her friends. I was at college like 2 years ago one of my buddies from home sends me and instant message on AIM telling me that he just saw this same girl on this porn website.

I didnt believe him until I actually went to this website and looked through it until I found this girl! She had dyed her hair and I heard she was living somewhere in florida at the time but sure as sh!t that was her riding some dudes wanger on this website...I almost fell over laughing when I saw it.

Im at work so I KNOW I wont be able to get or find the website here but i'll try tonight, not sure if she'd be on it anymore though.

:head: This is very awesome.

 

[ReaperX]

Actually, I heard that some of these amateur girls make $15K-$17K each month. Not too bad, plus it is all on the internet so its not like they are physically in danger dancing at clubs.

 

[RedwolfWV]

Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!!!

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he
finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much? He replied, I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill
Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night! she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.

 

[JDF]

Actually, I heard that some of these amateur girls make $15K-$17K each month. Not too bad, plus it is all on the internet so its not like they are physically in danger dancing at clubs.

Im sure her dad who drove the doritos truck to work everyday would be proud..hahaha

 

[pmiller383]

If this offends anyone let me know and I will delete it right away, but otherwise if this doesn't make you laugh you got to be dead.
[youtube]6O0-CdTSUcA[/youtube]

 

[EasyEJL]

A gent decides he wants to have a costume party and tells all of his friends to come dressed as a human emotion.

The night arrives and his first guest rings the bell. He opens the door to greet an gent dressed entirely in green.

"What emotion are you?" our host asks

"I'm green with envy," replies the guest. Our hosts smiles and ushers him in.

A few moments later, the dorrbell rings again. Our host answers to find a beautiful woman wearing only a feathery pink boa wrapped around all the luscious parts.

Slyly, and not just a little aroused, our host asks, "And which emotion are you?"

She replied, "I'm tickled pink!"

Our host nods and grins, quite wilfully letting her in.

More guests arrive and cover the gamut of emotions.

Finally, the doorbell rings again. Our host answers, only to find to find two naked men, one with his penis poking into a bowl of custard, the other with his penis poked into a pear.

Flustered, he asks, "What the hell are you?"

The one gent replies, in a thick Slavic accent, "Vell, I am ****ing dis custad, and dis guy has come in dis pear."

 

[jjohn]

These ones are really good.

I'll throw one just for fun:

What does it mean when a nurse walks in the hospital with a thermometer on her ear?
















Means some patient has a pencil stuck up his a$$

 

[ReaperX]

 

[jjohn]

Can you spell injury? LOL

 

[Mulletsoldier]

What the ****.

 

[ozarkaBRAND]

:rofl:

 

[jjohn]

What the ****.

These ball fanatics are invading the gyms it seems. They do dumbell prresses on balls, everything. Doesn't seem to do much after all the reading I've done on these balls.

 

[Mulletsoldier]

These ball fanatics are invading the gyms it seems. They do dumbell prresses on balls, everything. Doesn't seem to do much after all the reading I've done on these balls.

John, I'm really not too sure where to go with this. I mean, there is so much there to work with I'm just overloaded.

 

[Zombie]

that ball thing could be a really good toy during foreplay :ntome:

 

[JDF]

I guess you could sort of use it like the liberator ( the sex wedge thingy ) hahaha