Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!

[Necroticism]

 

[RedwolfWV]

6 Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be six minutes late.

On Saturday morning, George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round. The following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be six minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left-handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be six minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing either left- or right-handed. The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

George replied, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed."

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"

George replies, "Then I am six minutes late."

 

[pmiller383]

How do you get a kleenex to dance?

… Put a little boogey in it.

This was my favorite joke from ages 7-12 still makes me laugh though.

 

[strategicmove]

6 Minutes Late...

Nice! :thumbsup:

You have given out too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.

 

[Thudd]

A priest, a rabbi, two nuns, a Scotsman, an Irishman and an Italian, a penguin, a horse, and a man carrying a duck walk into a bar.
The barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[pmiller383]

Messed up my post, my bad

 

[DcinTdot]

ok this is a sick joke, but maybe a winner....

There's this couple doing their thing and when they finish the guy throws the condom out the window. The woman horrified says to the guy " You should go get that just in case some kid finds it." So the guy goes out to get it. When he returns he says " WOW that was close! Some kid had it and I told him it was a Twinkie and I gave him a Quarter for it." Meanwhile the kid runs home yelling " MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!! I just ripped this guy off! He gave me a quarter for a twinkie and I had already sucked all the cream out of it!"
:run:

 

[warren]

do not watch this clip if easily offended,
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdJxDVI7GKg&feature=related"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/nomedia]

a man walks into a bar.....






























....ouch

 

[BoSox36]

Not a joke, but its funny

Im a high school science teacher (no thats not the funny part) and i teach freshmen (no not funny). I teach intro physics. Anyways i was reading a newspaper clipping I found on one of the famous physicists (i think it was Newton, or Galileo) and in the article it said when he died, he died a virgin.

One of the kids in the class raises his hands and says to me "you can die because of that?" I almost fell to the gound laughing.

 

[russianstar]

There is this guy on a train from dublin to cork, and he has to get off on the tway, he tells he driver, hey can you let me off on the next stop. driver says, your outa luck, sorry we dont stop on this train its a non stop, the guy says please its a matter of life or death, the IRA are waiting for me at cork, the driver says, ok talk to the porter, ask him for help.
so he talks to the porter, a huge burley guy of about 6,7 tall, he says the conductor pointed me your way i need to get off at the next stop, the porter says ok, il hang you outa the window, as we get to the train station start running, il talk to the driver to slow down, is that ok , its the best we can do?
the guy says ok, lets do it, let me go when i say ok, the porter says no worries, so as they approach the station, the guy climbs out of the window, and the porter holds him in the air, the guy runs in the air as fast as he can, and as the train slows the porter lets go..... wow, he ran so fast, overtaking the porters carrige running all the way up the station, just as he gets near the end of the station and starts to slow, a huge man yanks him inside, that was close your nearly missed it. good job you ran so fast.

 

[gibbob2]

So a 11 year old boy who is half jewish, and half black goes up to his dad and asks him if he is more jew or more black...

the dad puzzled said "son it doesn't matter, we are all gods creatures, but why are you asking"

the kid replies.." this kid at school wants to sell me his bike for 100$, I want to know if I should offer him 20$ or just steal it!"

 

[gibbob2]

A jewsish boy goes up to his dad and asks him for 20$

the dad replies
"What 10$, what do you 5$ for?"

 

[gibbob2]

Someone else posted a baby joke... cause if not I would not be going this far... but

How do you make a two year old cry twice?


wipe your bloody d!ck off on it's security blanket

 

[russianstar]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely
ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for
the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has
ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.

 

[russianstar]

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 

[russianstar]

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this...... Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo "Defrost the chicken."

 

[pmiller383]

So this isn't a joke, but a story that I had to deal with today because of a background check for a job and I thought you guys would get a laugh:

When I was 17 I was at a hotel party on december 23, and some friends and I were playing beer battleship. We got pretty trashed and decided to go for a walk, when we left the hotel we noticed an open shed behind a hooters resturant. Inside the shed there was a 6 foot stuff animal lobster. One of my friends grabbed the lobster and started walking out of the shed.Next thing you know a big police spotlight was on us, now picture one kid with a 30 pack of Miller High Life, another with a battleship board game and one more with a giant stuffed lobster. While anyways long story short on christmas eve my parents had to bail me out because I was charged with felony burglary for my friend taking a stuffed animal out of an open shed. For christmas the next morning I had one gift under the tree, a lobster ortiment.

 

[OCCFan023]

So this isn't a joke, but a story that I had to deal with today because of a background check for a job and I thought you guys would get a laugh:

When I was 17 I was at a hotel party on december 23, and some friends and I were playing beer battleship. We got pretty trashed and decided to go for a walk, when we left the hotel we noticed an open shed behind a hooters resturant. Inside the shed there was a 6 foot stuff animal lobster. One of my friends grabbed the lobster and started walking out of the shed.Next thing you know a big police spotlight was on us, now picture one kid with a 30 pack of Miller High Life, another with a battleship board game and one more with a giant stuffed lobster. While anyways long story short on christmas eve my parents had to bail me out because I was charged with felony burglary for my friend taking a stuffed animal out of an open shed. For christmas the next morning I had one gift under the tree, a lobster ortiment.

Thats hilarious, any story that starts off with "I had to deal with this at a background check today" is going to be good. I love drunk stories as well. No guy in his right mind could see a 6 foot stuff lobster while piss drunk and not swipe it. Hell if I saw a 6 foot lobster sober I'm swiping it. Good Stuff P.

 

[RedwolfWV]

Someone else posted a baby joke... cause if not I would not be going this far... but

How do you make a two year old cry twice?


wipe your bloody d!ck off on it's security blanket

My god.. that is the most disgusting thing I've read in here. How old are you anyway?

 

[PayThePrice]

A Mexican, A Black guy and a white dude are walking along a beach and they find a magic lamp. They rub it, then a genie flies out and proclaims " I AM A POWERFUL GENIE AND I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH!"

So the Mexican guy says, " I wish all my spic brothers in sisters were back in mexico and happy." The genie waves his hands and POOF all the spics were back in Mexico.

Next the black man asks for his wish. " I wish all my nigga brothers were back in Africa and happy." The genie waves his hands again and POOF! All the nigga brothers were back in Africa.

Then, the genie turns to the white man and says, "What is YOUR wish?" The white man, scratching his head in confusion says, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America? Well....I guess I'll have a coke then."

 

[AlexParty]

My god.. that is the most disgusting thing I've read in here. How old are you anyway?

I know dude, I think he's injecting Ted Bundy testosterone.

 

[EasyEJL]

its only funny because its true.

 

[jjohn]

I will announce a last winner today!

 

[ongoingsaga]

SCAM WARNING !!!

Gentlemen BEWARE !!!

There is a scam going on in the parking lots of Home Depots in the area. Two very attractive young women in bikinis will offer to wash your car for $5.
After you accept, they will tell you that their cleaning supplies are at a different store where their other friends are, but they need you to give them a ride down the street.
Once they get in the car, one of them will press herself against you and put her hands all over you while the other one picks your pocket.
Beware ! This happened to me last Thursday evening about 7PM, then again Friday evening about 8 PM, then twice on Saturday, and it will probably happen again this afternoon !

 

[strategicmove]

A Mexican, A Black guy and a white dude are walking along a beach and they find a magic lamp. They rub it, then a genie flies out and proclaims " I AM A POWERFUL GENIE AND I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH!"

So the Mexican guy says, " I wish all my spic brothers in sisters were back in mexico and happy." The genie waves his hands and POOF all the spics were back in Mexico.

Next the black man asks for his wish. " I wish all my nigga brothers were back in Africa and happy." The genie waves his hands again and POOF! All the nigga brothers were back in Africa.

Then, the genie turns to the white man and says, "What is YOUR wish?" The white man, scratching his head in confusion says, "You mean to tell me all the niggers and spics are out of America? Well....I guess I'll have a coke then."

I despise so-called "jokes" built on racial differences. They are just another way for people to indirectly propagate their prejudices...

 

[EasyEJL]

I despise so-called "jokes" built on racial differences. They are just another way for people to indirectly propagate their prejudices...

So a white guy, a black guy and a mexican are all high skyscraper construction workers, and they take their break for lunch at the same time everyday together, at the top of the building they are working on. Every day the black man has fried chicken, the mexican has a burrito, and the white man has peanut butter and jelly. One friday the black man says "If I get fried chicken for lunch one more time, i'm jumping off the building." The mexican agrees "If i get a burrito one more time i'm jumping off the building". The white man says "Me too, if I get peanut butter and jelly one more time i'm jumping off the building". The following monday comes, and they sit down to lunch. The black man opens his lunchbox and its a ham and cheese sandwich, and he starts to eat. The mexican opens his and its a plate of roast pork and rice, so he sits down to eat his. The white man opens his, its peanut butter and jelly, so he stands up and jumps off the building to his death.

Later that week at the funeral, the men are standing with their wives, trying to console the white mans wife. The black man asks "Was it really so hard to change what he had for lunch?" the white woman responds "I don't know, he always packed his own lunch".....

 

[gibbob2]

22 years old

 

[jjohn]

So this isn't a joke, but a story that I had to deal with today because of a background check for a job and I thought you guys would get a laugh:

When I was 17 I was at a hotel party on december 23, and some friends and I were playing beer battleship. We got pretty trashed and decided to go for a walk, when we left the hotel we noticed an open shed behind a hooters resturant. Inside the shed there was a 6 foot stuff animal lobster. One of my friends grabbed the lobster and started walking out of the shed.Next thing you know a big police spotlight was on us, now picture one kid with a 30 pack of Miller High Life, another with a battleship board game and one more with a giant stuffed lobster. While anyways long story short on christmas eve my parents had to bail me out because I was charged with felony burglary for my friend taking a stuffed animal out of an open shed. For christmas the next morning I had one gift under the tree, a lobster ortiment.

Thanks for all who have participated in the contest!!! I hope you guys enjoy all I am doing to hook you up!

You really need a lot of X Factor huh?

You win. This is too funny. PM me your addy!


End of contest

 

[Kevf]

 

[OCCFan023]

Hey John I had a quick question. I've never got a supp form Canada but know of the problems with customs. Is there any chance it may get snagged/ how log would it take (just so I know if something had happened.)

Thanks man.

 

[jjohn]

Hey John I had a quick question. I've never got a supp form Canada but know of the problems with customs. Is there any chance it may get snagged/ how log would it take (just so I know if something had happened.)

Thanks man.

You're in Canada? It should take about 10 business days...

 

[OCCFan023]

You're in Canada? It should take about 10 business days...

Naw Im in the States. I thought you were in Canada lol... My bad

 

[Big BAMA]

So this guy and this chick are having sex and she says"Aren't I tight?". And he says" Nope Just Full".

 

[gibbob2]

Contest is over, but I have one from the vault.

So this guy picks up a hot blond girl from the bar. Takes her home and they start doing it.. He can't believe how smothe and wet her chacha is. THey finish up and he finally asks her.. "How on earth did you get so soft and wet so quick, it was so hot!" The blonde simply replied "I picked the scabs off when you were in the bathroom".

 

[thatguy226]

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'

 

[thatguy226]

hilarious

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'

 

[DreamOfWeight]

hah

 

[bslick69b]

one day a lion was walking through africa.acting like he was the s**t.so he came up to a girraffe and roard,and said whos the king of the jungle,and the girraffe said you are mr.lion,your the king of the jungle.the lion said thats right,and dont you foreget it.next he came up to a tree with monkeys in it and he let out a loud roar and said monkeys whos the king of the jungle,then the monkeys said you mr.lion your the king of the jungle,then the lion let out a roar and said thats right and dont you little punks foreget it,then he came across and elephant,and before he could say anything the elephant pick him up,threw him in the air stepped on him and beat the living crap out of him,then the lion half dead sttaggerd away mumbbling,geez dont get mad because you dont know the answer!

 

[bslick69b]

What Does Pantyhose,and Osama Bin Laden Have In Common.they Both Irritate Bush!

 

[jjohn]

What Does Pantyhose,and Osama Bin Laden Have In Common.they Both Irritate Bush!

HAHAHA This is funny lol.

 

[bslick69b]

what do you call a women with her tounge hanging out?a lesbien with a hard on!

 

[suncloud]

okay. i know i'm too late, but i'm going to share my favorite joke:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? Stapled to the monkey.

 

[DreamOfWeight]

how do u starve a mexican???













hide the food stamps under the soap!!

its cool!!!! im mexICAN

 

[andrew732]

Tori spelling's face is funny as hell

 

[King Con]

A man walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
$1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
$1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the man, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, I am.

The man replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.'

 

[jjohn]

A man walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
$1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
$1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the man, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, I am.

The man replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.'

LMAO!!!! That was really good!

 

[AK32408]

A man walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER:
$1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB:
$1,000.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the man, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, I am.

The man replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.'

I literally laughed out loud.. that was good !

 

[drummaboyzl]

I know its kinda racist but...

ok. it got deleted.
i tried

=D

 

[drummaboyzl]

okay. i know i'm too late, but i'm going to share my favorite joke:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

Why did the chicken fall out of the tree? Stapled to the monkey.

how did the chicken get up into the tree? chickens don't fly...
:toofunny:

 

[DreamOfWeight]

and who stapled the chicken to the monkey to begin with