A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke..."
Two rednecks were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
At which point, the first redneck looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work.
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
A kid is walking to school with his pet turtle.
As hes crossing the street a truck runs over his turtle.
He runs to school carrying his turtle and crying. and says to his teacher "my turtle broke his ass!!"
The teacher says "we dont use that word, we say rectum."
The kid says, "wrecked him it fVucking killed him!!"
EasyE is really a 12 year old schoolgirl. She skips school everyday to make sure she gets her 50 posts a day. With a slammin collection of lipgloss, colored hair extensions, and Hannah Montana cd's. That is actually a picture of her mailman in her avitar.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2