Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!
- 03-04-2008, 09:38 PM
Two rednecks were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
At which point, the first redneck looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work.
- 03-04-2008, 10:58 PM
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
03-04-2008, 11:17 PM
A kid is walking to school with his pet turtle.
As hes crossing the street a truck runs over his turtle.
He runs to school carrying his turtle and crying. and says to his teacher "my turtle broke his ass!!"
The teacher says "we dont use that word, we say rectum."
The kid says, "wrecked him it fVucking killed him!!"
03-04-2008, 11:20 PM
03-04-2008, 11:33 PM
EasyE is really a 12 year old schoolgirl. She skips school everyday to make sure she gets her 50 posts a day. With a slammin collection of lipgloss, colored hair extensions, and Hannah Montana cd's. That is actually a picture of her mailman in her avitar.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
03-04-2008, 11:35 PM
Guaranteed to make anyone break down into tears. LOTR ending slowed wwaaaayyyyyyyyyy down w/ voice overs.
One of my all time favorites.
03-04-2008, 11:45 PM
this one is from my 9th grade language arts teacher.
Q:How do you make a woman scream twice?
A: first **** her in the a5s and then wipe your d1ck on the curtains.
03-04-2008, 11:50 PM
03-05-2008, 12:11 AM
03-05-2008, 12:12 AM
03-05-2008, 12:12 AM
03-05-2008, 12:41 AM
03-05-2008, 08:49 AM
03-05-2008, 08:56 AM
sigh, racist, but too funny to not share
So my friend (who happens to be black) and I were visiting Rome. Now my friend really likes to grill. So do I, but not to the same extent. Anyway, he brought along a Hibachi, and on top of visiting sites as tourists he was looking for a good place where he could start grilling. Well, we wind up touring the Vatican and we come to the Papal Gardens. This time they were closed off to the public today, but my friend was determined and jumps the fence. Reluctantly, I jump the fence and join him. He starts setting up the hibachi. Meanwhile, I'm freaking out. I'm thinking the guards are going to find us and we're gonna get arrested and kicked out of the country. At this time, I see the Popemobile coming around the bend, and I see the Pope motion to the driver in our direction. My friend dives behind some bushes and hides. I stand there, frozen in fear. The Popemobile drive up to me, the window opens and Pope leans out and says something while making the sign of the Cross and then leaves. As soon as the coast was clear, my friend comes out from behind the bushes and says, "Do You realize what has just happened? You got a Papal blessing!" I say, " I didn't get a Papal blessing." "Well, then what happened?" I reply "Well, the Holy Father came up to me and said, 'I want you (points up), the Hibachi (points down), and the nigger in the woods (points right) to get the **** out of my Gardens! (points left)'"
works a lot better in person when you can make the gestures
03-05-2008, 11:35 AM
What did one old boob say to the other?
Perk Up or people are going to think were nuts!
Muscle Pharm Rep
03-05-2008, 01:25 PM
A newlywed couple moves to a small town and decide to join the local church. When they are talking to the priest he tells them that to prove their dedication to the church they have to abstain from having sex for 1 month.
The couple comes back a month later. The priest asks them if they had done as he asked. The man replies "Well it was going pretty good for the first 3 weeks, but last week my wife was grabbing a box of cereal and dropped it on the floor. When she bent over to pick it up I could not contain myself any longer. I ripped her pants off and did her right then and there." The priest says, "I'm sorry my son, but yall can not join the church." The man replies, "That's ok we're just glad they decided not to ban us from the grocery store."
03-05-2008, 01:37 PM
The Elephant Story;
An amazing elephant story...
Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting.
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across
a young bull elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked
the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed
him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
03-05-2008, 01:46 PM
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat ....
03-05-2008, 02:27 PM
03-05-2008, 02:28 PM
Even if I don't make ya'll laugh, I win at awsome.
"I am legally blind and if I can Squat,deadlift and over all get myself to the gym then anyone can get their a$$ in gear and get strong!!" - malleus25
03-05-2008, 02:49 PM
Q. How many bodybuilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. 1 to screw it in and the other 2 to yell, "YOU'RE PUMPED, YOU'RE HUGE!!!"
03-05-2008, 03:09 PM
03-05-2008, 03:45 PM
03-05-2008, 04:04 PM
03-05-2008, 04:27 PM
To Mr. Zombie
Dear, Mr Zombie being Mexican I do not find your joke funny
A guy from Honduras, a Colmbian and a Mexican are in a truck, who's driving?
US Border Patrol
Now that's funny
PS Please discontinue the use of Mexican-racist jokes, don't make me swim all the way up there and kick yo a$$
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