Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!
- 03-04-2008, 09:49 AM
- 03-04-2008, 09:50 AM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and says" Hey Rabbit, Does Sheat stick to your fur?". The rabbit says "No". So the Bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his Azz.
03-04-2008, 09:52 AM
03-04-2008, 11:05 AM
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Last edited by OCCFan023; 03-04-2008 at 11:24 AM.
03-04-2008, 11:19 AM
03-04-2008, 11:54 AM
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but seran wrap. The psychiatrist calls him into the office and when he sees him he says "I obviously don't even need to speak with you, as I can clearly see your nuts."
03-04-2008, 12:33 PM
An oldie but goodie!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
03-04-2008, 01:29 PM
03-04-2008, 01:43 PM
03-04-2008, 02:01 PM
i went to a mexican cantina with a donkey, and i only had a few bucks not enouf to get wasted so i told the bartender. i bet you a bottle of tequila that i can make the donkey laugh , he said ok, so i got next to the donkey and wisper at his ear, and he started to laugh really hard after a few hrs the bottle of tequila was almost empty so i aproched the bartender again and i told him that i bet him another bottle of tequila but now i was going to make the donkey cry, he said youre shetting me, i said are you on?? he said ok the i got next to the donkey again then whisper something to him and then got in front of the donkey then i went and sit and the donkey started crying. the bartender did his part of the deal and gave me the bottle of tequila, i continue to drink and drink, the barteder was staring at me and all of the sudden he got next to me and told me if you tell me how you made the donkey laugh and cry ill give you 100dlls. i told him to give me the money first, he did. then i went and told him my secret.
the first time i whispered at the donkeys and made him laugh i told him my c0ck was bigger than his, the second one i showed him that my c0ck is bigger than his and started crying
Moral of the story, Zombie has a bigger c0ck than a donkey
03-04-2008, 02:17 PM
03-04-2008, 02:20 PM
03-04-2008, 02:23 PM
03-04-2008, 02:25 PM
03-04-2008, 02:49 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
03-04-2008, 04:44 PM
Bring it on Willie!!
Last edited by SilentBob187; 03-04-2008 at 05:54 PM. Reason: Stoopid intertube hosting
"I am legally blind and if I can Squat,deadlift and over all get myself to the gym then anyone can get their a$$ in gear and get strong!!" - malleus25
03-04-2008, 04:46 PM
03-04-2008, 05:13 PM
Q: why did the pirate not go into the movie?
A: because it was rated rrrrrrrrr!
il take my x factor now
03-04-2008, 08:43 PM
03-04-2008, 09:29 PM
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke..."
03-04-2008, 09:38 PM
Two rednecks were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
At which point, the first redneck looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work.
03-04-2008, 10:58 PM
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said:
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
03-04-2008, 11:17 PM
A kid is walking to school with his pet turtle.
As hes crossing the street a truck runs over his turtle.
He runs to school carrying his turtle and crying. and says to his teacher "my turtle broke his ass!!"
The teacher says "we dont use that word, we say rectum."
The kid says, "wrecked him it fVucking killed him!!"
03-04-2008, 11:20 PM
03-04-2008, 11:33 PM
EasyE is really a 12 year old schoolgirl. She skips school everyday to make sure she gets her 50 posts a day. With a slammin collection of lipgloss, colored hair extensions, and Hannah Montana cd's. That is actually a picture of her mailman in her avitar.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
03-04-2008, 11:35 PM
Guaranteed to make anyone break down into tears. LOTR ending slowed wwaaaayyyyyyyyyy down w/ voice overs.
One of my all time favorites.
03-04-2008, 11:45 PM
this one is from my 9th grade language arts teacher.
Q:How do you make a woman scream twice?
A: first **** her in the a5s and then wipe your d1ck on the curtains.
03-04-2008, 11:50 PM
03-05-2008, 12:11 AM
03-05-2008, 12:12 AM
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