Wife wants a divorce

[EasyEJL]

Its how a man handles himself during difficult times that defines him as a man, not how he handles himself during easy times.

 

[Beau]

Its how a man handles himself during difficult times that defines him as a man, not how he handles himself during easy times.

That is very true; but it can also be hard to force yourself to do the right thing if surrounded by people who want to steer you in the wrong direction. When I found out about my wife's affair(s) - each time - some people told me I should go out and get laid. My good friends knew this would accomplish nothing; worse actually.

Don't go through this without the right support people to talk to/with. A counselor is a good place to start - but that is only an hour per week.

How you handle yourself is partially a function of what coping mechanisms you have. Friends and support networks are a huge part of that mechanism.

I am sorry for what you are going through. Really.

 

[Mrs. Gimpy!]

My thoughts are with you and your family. I am so happy that you and your daughter have a good relationship. I think that you are handling the situation well and keeping your priorities in line. your family is very fortunate to have you.

Only a few years back, I once thought that divorces should never happen unless there was physical abuse or cheating going on because vows are vows. when people make the decision to be joined together in marriage it was for forever (unless any of the above mentioned situations occurs). Now i feel that that should not be the case.

Yes, I have only been married for about 2 weeks, but i've been with my husband for 6.5 years and have a fantastic relationship because we do not take each other for granted. I believed that people should stay with one another as long as both are still working at the relationship. when one stops wanting to make it work, when one is unhappy, more than likely BOTH are currently miserable.

We all only have one life to live. Is it worth living with someone who is unhappy with you (which makes you unhappy) for the rest of your life when there are billions of other people in the world?

we are all lucky, fortunate, or whatever you'd like to call it love and be loved by the amazing people we are with. when that feeling is no longer felt, when a person is able to look at their once "valued" partner and feel that that person is now simply a hassle in their life, they no longer deserve you.


as dr. laura says, "no love is unconditional, except the love a parent has for their child, unless that child becomes a serial killer."

 

[Marcus ATW]

B5150

I'm going to emphasize what Jay has said here and add something too it. Be the best husband you can be, be the best father you can be, accept the thing you cannot change, change the things you can and pray for wisdom to know the difference.

Divorce was the very most painful experience of my life. I am here to say that had I not found the strength to live through and feel every emotion I would not have come out the other side a better person.

Love her if she changes, love her if she doesn't, love her if she leaves, love her and get help for the both of you if she decides on her own to stay.

Love you children and always protect them as much as possible from anyone and everything that may wound their spirit. They will know the kind of man you are by the way you handle your heartbreak. Be a great man regardless.

I am sorry for your pain.

Very well written!! Great advice

 

[rhodesman]

I see you haven't posted in a while. I hope that means you are too busy gettin your life back. Good luck man.

 

[suncloud]

this is gonna sound really messed up. i am in the same situation, but its my g/f of 3 years. she is self medicating too, and suffers from major depression, panic attacks, etc. we have two kids (they call me dad, since their real one died when they were under a year old). unfortunately, the only way she will take her meds (i know this from personal experience) is to convince her that no court will award a woman with depression issues custody of anyone, especially if she refuses a blood sample in court for excessive meds in the system. basically, she will come back, just to be with the kids at first, then after taking the meds every day under your guidance (or tell her to leave if she won't), she'll revert to normal. it sounds kinda messed up, but its hard to convince people that you know whats best for them.

my g/f is on:
175mcg of fentynol (8 g of morphine equivalent)
20 mg of oxycodone for breakthrough pain (.4 g of morphine equivalent)
300mg x 3 of soma per day
200mg prozac / day
weed for breakthrough pain
10mg norco x 3 day for breakthrough pain.
300mg of trazedone per night for sleep

the sad thing is everything except for the weed is prescribed, and its a lot less than what she was on before which included

600mg of oxycodone a day (12g of morphine equivalent)
5mg x 4 of percocets a day for breakthrough
10mg valium a day for depression
200mg of prozac a day for depression
1mg lorazepam a day AS NEEDED for anxiety
300mg x 3 of soma per day
300mg of trazedone for sleep
300mg x 3 of neurontin for bundled nerve pain

trust me, the kids are what will keep her in check. sadly you and i both have become #4 in their lives - 1 is kid 1, 2 is kid 2, 3 is the meds, 4 is you. she will still do the right thing for the kids, and only for the kids. PM me if you need to talk brotha.

 

[nightshift]

The kids and I returned from vacation last night. We had visited my family in WI. It was good to relax for a week. We stayed at my sisters place, and I had a long discussion with her about the messy situation I'm in. She is a good but quiet observer. Toward the end of the discussion she said something that really hit a nerve. She commented that most guys would have left my wife a long time ago rather than try to make things right. And I do want to make it right. Having a stable family life is important to me. I don't know if that is possible anymore given all that has occurred.

What really struck me when we returned was watching my kids. They had a fantastic time visiting all the relatives. It warmed my heart to see them so happy. But when we got home it was like the door to all those good times was slammed shut, especially for my daughter. We have a long road ahead of us. Hopefully we are headed in the right direction.

 

[EasyEJL]

Having a stable family life is important to me. I don't know if that is possible anymore given all that has occurred.

I guess the question you need to answer - is trying to force an unstable person to stay in the family conducive to a stable family life?

 

[crader]

. And I do want to make it right. Having a stable family life is important to me. I don't know if that is possible anymore given all that has occurred.

What really struck me when we returned was watching my kids. They had a fantastic time visiting all the relatives. It warmed my heart to see them so happy. But when we got home it was like the door to all those good times was slammed shut, especially for my daughter. We have a long road ahead of us. Hopefully we are headed in the right direction.

Remember this, a stable family is comprised in a group of people who love each other. It does not necessarily mean mom and dad live together. I think your last paragraph speaks volumes on what this is doing to your kids.

It took me a long time to get things in financial order to be able to live with my 3 kids alone. But life has been so much better for them. Their dad had nothing to do with them when we were married, he at least sees them now. So they get two happy places to be verses the misery of a single fighting group.

I know its hard when your heart wants to stay. But you have to ask yourself this, if it was one of your kids in the same situation from watching your marriage, would you want them to live that way? I left because I didn't want my kids thinking that they way he treated me was alright. I wanted to show them a better life, with a strong parent who put them first.

I hope things get better for you! It sucks and hurts to be where you are. But if you do go, it gets easier over time.

 

[AE14]

hey,

I am going through this same thing right now. My wife of 8 years is very unstable. We have a 5 year old together, and my wife's greatest concern is reconnecting with friends from high school when she was popular. She has left on long weekends 9 times in 14 months. Last year we were close to divorce, but I decided to stary as I felt I owed an attempt at reconcilliation to my daughter. However, after the wife vanished yesterday again, and then threatend to take my daughter away, I knew enough was enough. I will be filing for custody on monday and the divorce papers will soon follow.

Easy said something eariler that is true. A stable family life needs stable people. I have realized that my wife and I grew apart. There is nothing wrong with now both wanting different things. At the end of the day I want the family, I really didnt have it my whole life (not entirely), and I wanted that for my daughter. However, the wife wants to go out, get drunk (at 32) and party. Sooner or later, you need to look at the welfare of your children and yourself. That will have to come first no matter what.

If you need to talk to someone doing the same thing right now, feel free to pm

 

[Nemesis RR]

Protect your children as much as you can and WASH YOUR HANDS OF HER. The more you fight her on the divorce the more determined she will be about it. Also she will have more control of the situation. Do you want someone in her state with any more power especially if your children are involved.

 

[AE14]

any update here?

 

[badbart]

I was married to a woman who had mental problems, depression nervousness and anxiety. She was on and off all kinds of meds and never happy with herself. We have one child together and our life was a rollercoaster because of her moods and low self-esteem. After 4 frustrating years, all of the sudden out of the blue she said she wanted a divorce. It was then I realized this was the best thing that had happened in our relationship. We had an easy amicable divorce and my life changed for the better right away. I did not realize how much she dragged me down. Now I'm successful, happy and she is a train wreck. My child stays with me most of the time and things are good.
One thing I realized is now matter how much medicine or how many shrinks these people use they are never really happy. The most important thing is don't let them drag you down with them. I have a new wife now and I am now realizing how bad my x-wife treated me.

 

[Beau]

I have a new wife now and I am now realizing how bad my x-wife treated me.

I cannot overstate how much I share this same realization.

 

[AE14]

I cannot overstate how much I share this same realization.

it is a tough realization to make, as I am making it now

 

[nightshift]

My wife is about to start some legitimate psychiatric care. It may end up including some time at a rehab center. In my heart, I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet. We have had some long intense conversations over the last few days and I believe she is finally seeing the results of her bipolarism and addictive lifestyle. My fortitude and patience seem to be tested at every turn, but I continue to press on. I am spending as much time as I can with my kids and find peace and solitude at the gym.

 

[toughchick401]

I wish you the best ((HUGZ)))

 

[nightshift]

How do you know when enough is enough? My wife called me at work last night and said some things that were troubling, to say the least. I am of the belief now that she is waiting for me to pull the trigger here on the legal separation/divorce to give her an out. My feeling is that she says things to try and provoke me. I can honestly say I am getting to that point. How can someone who claims to be your best friend say such vile and reprehensible things? I guess 18 years of caring for and supporting her wasn't ever enough. I feel like the guy from the circus who spun plates on long poles except all my plates are falling.

 

[slow-mun]

How do you know when enough is enough? My wife called me at work last night and said some things that were troubling, to say the least. I am of the belief now that she is waiting for me to pull the trigger here on the legal separation/divorce to give her an out. My feeling is that she says things to try and provoke me. I can honestly say I am getting to that point. How can someone who claims to be your best friend say such vile and reprehensible things? I guess 18 years of caring for and supporting her wasn't ever enough. I feel like the guy from the circus who spun plates on long poles except all my plates are falling.

Enough probably came and went a long time ago. You have an unwillingness to end your relationship and it is costing you your sanity. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but I would ultimately say that you cannot salvage something that's not able to be fixed.

 

[crader]

I would wait until she is under the psych care and thinking straight if you can. Then you can get a better idea of whether this is meant to work out or what she really wants.

 

[AE14]

How do you know when enough is enough? My wife called me at work last night and said some things that were troubling, to say the least. I am of the belief now that she is waiting for me to pull the trigger here on the legal separation/divorce to give her an out. My feeling is that she says things to try and provoke me. I can honestly say I am getting to that point. How can someone who claims to be your best friend say such vile and reprehensible things? I guess 18 years of caring for and supporting her wasn't ever enough. I feel like the guy from the circus who spun plates on long poles except all my plates are falling.

let me say this, my soon to be ex is doing the same thing, she would never start the preceedings as life as is was too easy and comfortable. You need to look out for you and your children, and if she is not a part of the stable environment, then get the ball rolling.

 

[EasyEJL]

I would wait until she is under the psych care and thinking straight if you can. Then you can get a better idea of whether this is meant to work out or what she really wants.

he can start the proceedings now, its not final till the signatures are wet on the paper.... so it can be a slow process, but beginning gives a little concreteness to it for both him + her

 

[crader]

he can start the proceedings now, its not final till the signatures are wet on the paper.... so it can be a slow process, but beginning gives a little concreteness to it for both him + her

True, but I was thinking about the lawyer costs to get things going. It really sounds as if he does not want to end it. So even tp out on the show for her it would be costly. My atty was $200 an hour. And god forbid you call him on the phone. They round that 5 min up!!

 

[Beau]

True, but I was thinking about the lawyer costs to get things going. It really sounds as if he does not want to end it. So even tp out on the show for her it would be costly. My atty was $200 an hour. And god forbid you call him on the phone. They round that 5 min up!!

I would consider $200/Hr a STEAL. Mine is $450/Hr.

Blah.

 

[crader]

Yeah they make the big bucks. That was in addition to a $3000.00 retainer.

 

[Beau]

Yeah they make the big bucks. That was in addition to a $3000.00 retainer.

$7500 retainer for me. I have "been told" that in my state (CA) its an almost certainty that I will have to pay her Atty's fees, too. And I wasn't the one who went outside the marriage.

Still, it will be a bargain just to be rid of her. A blessing in disguise, really.

 

[crader]

Ouch...everything in CA is expensive. Yeah its worth it in the end to be happy. You might not always see it while its going on , but it is for the better. My ex and I get along now. Even after all the bad things he did. But its a much nicer relationship just for the kids.

 

[Beau]

Ouch...everything in CA is expensive. Yeah its worth it in the end to be happy. You might not always see it while its going on , but it is for the better. My ex and I get along now. Even after all the bad things he did. But its a much nicer relationship just for the kids.

I am hopeful, but NOT optimistic, that at some point it will not be impossible for the She-Devil and me to be able to tolerate one another. She has done so much to distort the truth and poison my daughter, while at the same time taking a financial and emotional bowel movement on my two sons in college, that she is likely to reap the "rewards" of her actions for some time.

I've learned to enjoy not having the emotional crap beat out of me (by her) any more. Go figure.

 

[AE14]

its funny how we find solace

 

[Zero V]

The good people always get screwed over. Remember that. I got screwed by my ex, but we are friends now.... but still waiting for my just reward for stepping up and becoming a great guy and helping not only other people, even her on a weekly bases now that she is married to another guy.... Still cant find someone to pull this dagger out of my back.

Live, Learn, and Love(even if you dont want to)

 

[EasyEJL]

I don't think its the good people who get screwed per se, I think its the people who are thinking more "romantically" or emotionally, rather than rationally. When one in a couple has the emotional bindings, and the other doesn't, the one that does always does end up screwed in one way shape or form

 

[Beau]

I don't think its the good people who get screwed per se, I think its the people who are thinking more "romantically" or emotionally, rather than rationally. When one in a couple has the emotional bindings, and the other doesn't, the one that does always does end up screwed in one way shape or form

Financially, at least in a no-fault divorce state, the person who makes the most money is the one who pays the highest price; thus "gets screwed". For me to have to pay my-ex what I have to pay (and probably sell the house that my salary was used to purchase and render monthly payments) - all while she retains 100% of her inheritance - and all because she chose to violate our marriage contract - is an injustice. In almost any other breach of contract situation, damages are to be paid by the injuring party to the injured party. In my situation, the injured party gets to pay the injuring party. Somethings doesn't feel right about that.

Emotional "screwing" differs a lot from financial "screwing". Neither one feel too good.

 

[AE14]

I am with you Beau. I live in a no fault state, but the one benefit I have will be sole custody of my 5 year old. Hopefully my atty (what a friggin expense) will make sure I dont have to bend over and take it b/c I am much more than she does

 

[Zero V]

If, though it never will happen, I was going through divorce you do this. sell your house and your car to someone you trust such as your brother if you can see it coming a year off. Make a deal with your job to be "fired" ahead of time and get a job making nothing before the divorce. :lol:

 

[rhodesman]

How do you know when enough is enough? My wife called me at work last night and said some things that were troubling, to say the least. I am of the belief now that she is waiting for me to pull the trigger here on the legal separation/divorce to give her an out. My feeling is that she says things to try and provoke me. I can honestly say I am getting to that point. How can someone who claims to be your best friend say such vile and reprehensible things? I guess 18 years of caring for and supporting her wasn't ever enough. I feel like the guy from the circus who spun plates on long poles except all my plates are falling.

I agree with Crader. Give it your all until you have nothing left to give. You can always file for divorce later. Good luck either way. I believe you'll be doing whats right no matter what you choose.

 

[OliviaXX]

The good people always get screwed over. Remember that. I got screwed by my ex, but we are friends now.... but still waiting for my just reward for stepping up and becoming a great guy and helping not only other people, even her on a weekly bases now that she is married to another guy.... Still cant find someone to pull this dagger out of my back.

Live, Learn, and Love(even if you dont want to)

I agree... My Bf Just broke up with me... I think you guys know him... KurtisWicked.. He posts on here... But anyways, I gave him everything for 3 years, I truly thought he was the one, we lived together for 2 1/2 years and were even looking at condos and put in an offer on one... I did everything for him. But he broke up with me... And at the worst possible time too... My brother just got into a surfing accident and had to get 2 discs in his neck replaced and the day after, my grandfather passed away, then the day after the funeral he breaks up with me... What a gentleman huh.... Now I have to move in with my mom again 30 min away, but im still going to school, nothing will take me away from my future, even tho I thought he was going to be part of it. I guess I have to find someone who will appreciate all I do for them and Give me what I need. But its his lost, he will come to his senses in a little while once I move out and everything, then it will hit him that he just lost the best thing he ever had... I will just have to be strong. We all have to be strong when we are having problems in relationships.

 

[BodyWizard]

I thought so as well, and still believe there is merit to your contention. I've read several reports that dispute this; meaning the damage from divorce frequently exceeds the damage from keeping the family in-tact; although there are cases such as alcohol abuse, domestic violence, etc., under which divorce must be a less destructive resolution.

Divorce, while sometimes the only option, is still a painful and devastating process.

When one person can't think of anything but escape, when staying together means constant fighting, backbiting & the destruction of the *rest* of your life while you try to put out the fire consuming your primary relationship, the damage is done.

Your children have already suffered at that point; they need the SANE parent to make it stop. Divorce IS ugly, it IS terrible. The only thing worse than divorce is a bad marriage to the wrong person.

nightshift - if that's how she's playing it, get out while you can - document EVERYTHING (record every phone call, send her registered mail *only*, keep copies of every word you write) - and make SURE she pays you EVERY CENT for that hip replacement she got.

Don't get caught up in feeling sorry for her "because she's depressed" - clinical depression is one thing, but "screw you, I'm outta here - oh, and here's the bill from my shopping trip yesterday" is something quite different. Cut her off, keep the kids, if she doesn't want to play like a grown-up, then she's an overgrown dependent who needs a lesson in pulling her own weight.. Don't carry her.

 

[BodyWizard]

I agree with Crader. Give it your all until you have nothing left to give. You can always file for divorce later.

With sincere respect for crader, if you give until you have nothing left to give, then you'll have nothing left.

She'll have destroyed the most productive period in your life, wrecked your children, sucked up all your money, destroyed your self-confidence, been a constant source of stress, threat & continual discouragement, and will *then* walk away with all your remaining cash & your future earnings, too.

Don't do it. I mean, we all have lessons we need to learn, and maybe you DO need to learn what it's like to love too much, to give too much. And maybe - just maybe - you need instead to learn how not to co-operate with your own destruction.

 

[badbart]

With sincere respect for crader, if you give until you have nothing left to give, then you'll have nothing left.

She'll have destroyed the most productive period in your life, wrecked your children, sucked up all your money, destroyed your self-confidence, been a constant source of stress, threat & continual discouragement, and will *then* walk away with all your remaining cash & your future earnings, too.

Don't do it. I mean, we all have lessons we need to learn, and maybe you DO need to learn what it's like to love too much, to give too much. And maybe - just maybe - you need instead to learn how not to co-operate with your own destruction.

Perfect, I second this get out before she ruins you.

 

[Beau]

With sincere respect for crader, if you give until you have nothing left to give, then you'll have nothing left.

She'll have destroyed the most productive period in your life, wrecked your children, sucked up all your money, destroyed your self-confidence, been a constant source of stress, threat & continual discouragement, and will *then* walk away with all your remaining cash & your future earnings, too.

Don't do it. I mean, we all have lessons we need to learn, and maybe you DO need to learn what it's like to love too much, to give too much. And maybe - just maybe - you need instead to learn how not to co-operate with your own destruction.

OK, here is one from the "old man":

I thought my wife -
Destroyed the most productive period in my life
Wrecked my children
Sucked up all my money
Destroyed my self-confidence
Was a constant source of stress, threat & continual discouragement, and
then she walked away with my remaining cash & future earnings.

I was angry. Now, amazingly to me, I think that moron did me a huge favor - I have been released from solitary confinement. So - what do I think now - today - almost a year after the "stuff" hit the fan?


Destroyed the most productive period in my life - true in that I can never regain the vitality I used to have; vitality that could have been applied elsewhere. But - I made that decision. Best of all - I'm not dead - so I've got more productive periods in my life; this time to be spent in greater awareness and appreciation.
Wrecked my children - Huge toll here; no doubt. But, I will have a relationship with my daughter - it is a matter of time. And my relationships with my sons are stronger than ever. Oh, my sons can't stand the thought of their mother (and I don't think that is a good thing). She, not I, will reap the rewards of what she has done to them.
Sucked up all my money - Yes, and it is too bad.
Destroyed my self-confidence - Yes, I allowed her to take my balls away. It hurt, I was devastated. But - ready? - I am no longer devastated. I've learned a lot about me; and how I will allow and not allow myself to be treated in the future.
Was a constant source of stress, threat & continual discouragement, True, true and true. But - no longer soand
then she walked away with my remaining cash & future earnings. - Yes, and I don't like it one bit. But - I've realized that I will land on my feet financially, I always have. I will probably have to sell my house. The house I paid for. But - I lived someplace before the house I now own, and I'll find a place to buy/rent/live somewhere else if it comes to that. It isn't the road I would have chosen, but all I can do is react in the most positive (FOR ME) way at this point.

We don't get "Mulligans" in life. The past is just that. It is a challenge to move on; but there is no other meaningful alternative (unless you are willing to accept a life of bitterness). She has taken enough from me; I no longer want to play into her game.

 

[Zero V]

I agree... My Bf Just broke up with me... I think you guys know him... KurtisWicked.. He posts on here... But anyways, I gave him everything for 3 years, I truly thought he was the one, we lived together for 2 1/2 years and were even looking at condos and put in an offer on one... I did everything for him. But he broke up with me... And at the worst possible time too... My brother just got into a surfing accident and had to get 2 discs in his neck replaced and the day after, my grandfather passed away, then the day after the funeral he breaks up with me... What a gentleman huh.... Now I have to move in with my mom again 30 min away, but im still going to school, nothing will take me away from my future, even tho I thought he was going to be part of it. I guess I have to find someone who will appreciate all I do for them and Give me what I need. But its his lost, he will come to his senses in a little while once I move out and everything, then it will hit him that he just lost the best thing he ever had... I will just have to be strong. We all have to be strong when we are having problems in relationships.

It hurts like hell, but it only makes us stronger. Took me a good year to have a free mind again that could breath and enjoy life. Sometimes finding the right person just sucks. I hope your brothers surgery went great and he makes a full recovery, and I am sorry for your grandpa. Someone will come along who will treat you the way you want, just takes times and sometimes it doesnt make sense when you find the person.

 

[rhodesman]

With sincere respect for crader, if you give until you have nothing left to give, then you'll have nothing left.

She'll have destroyed the most productive period in your life, wrecked your children, sucked up all your money, destroyed your self-confidence, been a constant source of stress, threat & continual discouragement, and will *then* walk away with all your remaining cash & your future earnings, too.

Don't do it. I mean, we all have lessons we need to learn, and maybe you DO need to learn what it's like to love too much, to give too much. And maybe - just maybe - you need instead to learn how not to co-operate with your own destruction.

Sir, I respect your opinion very much. At 32 I still have much to learn no doubt. Ive always given until nothing was left in every situation. I felt as if I could never be sure of the outcome unless I was there to see the outcome. Maybe I have co-operated in my own misery, but I will not be destroyed. My life is a constant fight(work,bills,women,kids,health family,etc.). It may be easier to just give in when it gets hard, but I refuse to do so. It could be that I need to learn to say I quit. Maybe Im just very stubborn. In my defense, I did say that he would be doing right no matter which path he chose. In the end its his decision. I wish him and his children the best.

 

[AE14]

well said beau, it is true, and it could always be worse. With the housing market the way it is, my house will not sell. I know this, so the divorce will be final, but we will still be living together. that is the only way it will work until the market changes. If I would have sold last year when this all started I would have made a killing. Now I am stuck and will be living with a woman who I will no longer be married to.

You are right though, if you are an adult, you will find a way to land on your feet. You have to

 

[AE14]

I agree... My Bf Just broke up with me... I think you guys know him... KurtisWicked.. He posts on here... But anyways, I gave him everything for 3 years, I truly thought he was the one, we lived together for 2 1/2 years and were even looking at condos and put in an offer on one... I did everything for him. But he broke up with me... And at the worst possible time too... My brother just got into a surfing accident and had to get 2 discs in his neck replaced and the day after, my grandfather passed away, then the day after the funeral he breaks up with me... What a gentleman huh.... Now I have to move in with my mom again 30 min away, but im still going to school, nothing will take me away from my future, even tho I thought he was going to be part of it. I guess I have to find someone who will appreciate all I do for them and Give me what I need. But its his lost, he will come to his senses in a little while once I move out and everything, then it will hit him that he just lost the best thing he ever had... I will just have to be strong. We all have to be strong when we are having problems in relationships.

just udnerstand that there are many more out there who will treat you well. All of us in these situations need to come to that realization

 

[crader]

just udnerstand that there are many more out there who will treat you well. All of us in these situations need to come to that realization

I think to realise that and get someone to treat you well you have to hold yourself as a strong important person. Its easy to get hung up on the person you are losing and try to make excuses for them rather to realise that you are responsible also. The way they are treating you is likely something thats been going on for awhile. Rather than look at them in the beginning and say I'm a better person than this and I don't deserve this type of behaviour many will ignore it and stay and hope it changes.

You need to realise that you are not a weak person, you deserve someone who will treat you right and love or not you will not accept it. You can determine your own path and who is right to go down that path for life. If they are not putting an equal amount into it then they truly don't repsect you or think of you as a life partner.

 

[OliviaXX]

It hurts like hell, but it only makes us stronger. Took me a good year to have a free mind again that could breath and enjoy life. Sometimes finding the right person just sucks. I hope your brothers surgery went great and he makes a full recovery, and I am sorry for your grandpa. Someone will come along who will treat you the way you want, just takes times and sometimes it doesnt make sense when you find the person.

Thanks, yea my brothers surgery went well.. He just has to rest, but he will need physical therapy. But he should be fine as long as he doesnt mess it up again. I know Ill get through this all, just sucks that everything happens all at once. Plus it sucks when your living together and this happens cuz now i have to move everything of mine. Its gonna suck living at my moms tho. But Ill get through all this. Ill be strong. I know it will take a while to start feeling normal tho... at least I have school to take up some of my time. Ill focus on that.

 

[nightshift]

My wife saw a psychiatrist on Monday. Perhaps this will be good for her long term. She started some new meds, but is still not taking them as prescribed. Also, from what she told me, she didn't mention anything about her bipolar tendencies because she doesn't want to take the meds for that. Hopefully the Dr. will be able to convince her otherwise.
As for myself, I have come to the realization that preserving this marriage is a pipe dream, at best. There is no spousal love or communication for that matter. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I still want to be your friend". In an odd way, I almost feel sorry for her. Its like talking to 12 year old in a 43 year old body.
I really appreciate everyones feedback. Many hours have been spent digesting and analyzing the info you all have provided. What it boils down to for me is that I will exhaust every possible avenue in searching for a solution. As I stated earlier, the end game may be staring me in the face right now, and maybe I am not ready to see it. For right now I will continue to be a stable and consistent father for my kids. That is my primary goal. The rest of it will continue to evolve on its own. In situations like this I am thankful for my stoic Germanic heritage.

 

[AE14]

My wife saw a psychiatrist on Monday. Perhaps this will be good for her long term. She started some new meds, but is still not taking them as prescribed. Also, from what she told me, she didn't mention anything about her bipolar tendencies because she doesn't want to take the meds for that. Hopefully the Dr. will be able to convince her otherwise.
As for myself, I have come to the realization that preserving this marriage is a pipe dream, at best. There is no spousal love or communication for that matter. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I still want to be your friend". In an odd way, I almost feel sorry for her. Its like talking to 12 year old in a 43 year old body.
I really appreciate everyones feedback. Many hours have been spent digesting and analyzing the info you all have provided. What it boils down to for me is that I will exhaust every possible avenue in searching for a solution. As I stated earlier, the end game may be staring me in the face right now, and maybe I am not ready to see it. For right now I will continue to be a stable and consistent father for my kids. That is my primary goal. The rest of it will continue to evolve on its own. In situations like this I am thankful for my stoic Germanic heritage.

in the bolded section, you just described my marriage the last 14 months. after a while you begin to wonder how thye digress to such a level right in front of your eyes. Its weird, when people just tell you "I think there is something wrong with <insert wife's name>

you are 100% correct to focus on the kids, that is what truly matters. You will also get to a point where you need to find someone for yourself who will be the best match for you.

 

[Beau]

...I have come to the realization that preserving this marriage is a pipe dream, at best. There is no spousal love or communication for that matter. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I still want to be your friend". In an odd way, I almost feel sorry for her. Its like talking to 12 year old in a 43 year old body.

...I will exhaust every possible avenue in searching for a solution. As I stated earlier, the end game may be staring me in the face right now, and maybe I am not ready to see it.

In situations like this I am thankful for my stoic Germanic heritage.

I, too, am amazed by the familiarity of the bolded sentiment. If it said "48" instead of "42", I could have written it. Wow.

Coming to realizations are a good thing and a very positive step. Congrats, even though it must hurt - a lot, and very badly.

No spousal love or communication. I feel your pain. You will be better off; but it sure as heck probably feels as if that (too) is a pipe dream. A year into this damned process, I've changed for the better - and am thankful for the change. I am glad for everything except the financial implications - and those will somehow be dealt with.

Good for you to be willing to exhaust every possible avenue in searching for a solution. That was important to me, too. It is nice to be able to know - despite what anyone else may claim to the contrary - that you did your part, and then some.

German stoicism - don't hold too much in. Find a man you can trust (really trust) and open your heart to him about the pain and hurt you feel. Crying about this type of insanity helps pain escape. Consider your relationship with God, if you are a believer.

 

[Usf97j4x4]

Hope everything works out Night, worry about your kids as they are your only real responsibility in this world.

I am going through my own issues right now and I have only been married for a little over a year. My wife has been so criticial of me over the last 2 years that I sort of went into permanent "defense mode." Everything she says I take as a personal attack. I can no longer relax and have really just turned into an uptight ball of pissed off when I am around her. I know what the problem is but I cant seem to remain conscious of it every second of everyday to stop it. Its really making life hell for the both of us. I feel silly considering counseling this early in the game... the worst thing is I really want to start having children but we both agreed if we can't get along we do not need to be having a baby. Sorry for the vent.