Share Your Favourite Jokes...

[whiskers]

hahahaa I wondered where that was going. hilarious

 

[whiskers]

I cant remember what comedian it was, but he said "Instead of getting married again, I'm just gonna find a woman I hate and give her a house."

Polygamy is when you have too many wives....monogamy is the same.

 

[Fastone]

Seen on a tombstone

"I told you I was sick"

 

[soultrain]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business!

 

[plenny]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business!

:thumbsup: lol...ur killin me.

 

[suncloud]

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be; but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

"She'll cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "What can I get for a couple ribs?"

 

[suncloud]

Why does the pope wear pants in the shower?





He doesn't want to look down upon the unemployed...

 

[suncloud]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

 

[pushin40]

Ok a guy walks into a bar with a monkey, sits down and orders adrink. The bar tender asks him whats the deal with the monkey? The guy says watch. He backhands the monkey,the monkey starts giving the guy a hand job. Thats pretty cool says the bartender. Ya watch this says the guy..He hauls off and punches the monkey right in the mouth knocks him clear off the bar stool.Immidiatley the monkey gets up and starts giving the guy a blowjob.. Wow says the bar tender, Do you think I could try that? The guy says I dont well alright.. The bartender says great just dont hit me that hard..

 

[machinehead]

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here's a great sale on tires!"
His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." To that, the man said, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?"

On a related note..

The wife kept whining about the size of her breasts for years. One day her husband, fed up with the small-breast talk, told her: "You want big boobs? Start rubbing your breasts with toilet paper twice a day." She didn't believe him, so she asked: "Are you sure it's gonna work?". Yeah, the husband said, it worked pretty well on your ass.

 

[suncloud]

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

 

[suncloud]

A lady is on her fourth honeymoon, when she turns to her husband and says "Take it easy on me, I'm still a virgin." The husband says "Still a virgin? You were married three other times!"

The wife says "Yes. My first husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband licked postage stamps. God i miss him..."

 

[suncloud]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

[suncloud]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[bslick69b]

why is there a c**k on a weathervane?
because if you put a pussy,the wind would blow right through it!!

 

[bslick69b]

this man walks into a bar, and the first woman he sees he starts to hit on.not noing that she has a big biker dude boyfriend just a couple of seats down from them,so he starts to say.i want to take you home and tie you up,and she says,oh really,and he answers,yeah and not only that, i want to take you over my knee and spank your naughty little ass,and she says,yeah right!,by know shes getting really annoyed,and then he says,then im going to fill your pu$$y up with whisky,and drink it all up,so she gets up and walks straight towards her boyfriend and shes pissed!so her boyfriend asked her,whats up honey,and she says, you see that little bastered across the bar,he told me that he wants to take me home,and tie me up,and her b.f says,why that little prick,and hes starting to get pissed,and not only that,she says,he also said that he wants to take me across his knee and spank my naughty ass,by now hes got his biker jacket off and hes ready to kick some ass!and then she says,he also said that he wants to fill my pu$$y up with whisky,and drink it all up!then the big biker dude puts his jacket back on and starts heading for the door,then his g.f says where the hell are you going,arent you going to kick his ass,then the bikerdude says,hell no anybody who can drink that much whisky,has got my respect!!!!

 

[bslick69b]

how can you tell if a blonde was on your computer?
theres whiteout on the screen!

 

[bslick69b]

how do you drown a blonde?
throw a mirror in a pool!

 

[bslick69b]

whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
you only have to slap a mosquito once!

 

[bslick69b]

how did helen kellers parents punish her?
they rearranged the furniture!

 

[bslick69b]

what does pantyhose and osama bin laden have in common?
they both irritate bush!

 

[bslick69b]

what do you call a woman with her tounge hanging out?
a lesbien with a hard on!

 

[pushin40]

whats the difference between a hooker and a rooster? A rooster says cockadoodldo..Aprostitute says any **** will do

 

[suncloud]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

 

[strategicmove]

On a related note..

The wife kept whining about the size of her breasts for years. One day her husband, fed up with the small-breast talk, told her: "You want big boobs? Start rubbing your breasts with toilet paper twice a day." She didn't believe him, so she asked: "Are you sure it's gonna work?". Yeah, the husband said, it worked pretty well on your ass.

Oh God! :jaw:

 

[bslick69b]

what collage did micheal jackson would have most likely went to?
bringum young university!

 

[nemo]

SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to
work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house.".

 

[plenny]

what do you call a happy Italian guy with hair stuck in his teeth?......Gladiator. (glad-he-ate-her)

 

[bslick69b]

go up to your friend,and ask him how tall are you.and when he answers you tell him,i never knew you could stack s#:frustrateit that high!

 

[Fastone]

Sex Therapy - Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

:bruce3:

 

[bslick69b]

a large percentage of japanese have cataracts.
the rest have rincolns and continentals!

 

[suncloud]

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

 

[Tyler1]

Deer roping...it isn't me who did this.

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed i
up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step
in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated
at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are
there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed
while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be
difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down)

then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them.

I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder,
and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The
deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took
a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you
start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger
than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight
down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only
up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10
minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet
and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize

this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get
that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go

with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and
painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess
that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several
large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my
head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could
still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it
lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set
before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have
thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I
reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost
like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a
deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up
with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will
strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet
and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are
surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a
horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the
best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move
towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a
different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the
back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all,
besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I
turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they

do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying
there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to
crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I
had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt
broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in
a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most
of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got
out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy
who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling
"what happened?"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an
individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have
overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement
personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may
find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal.
I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid
played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer".
I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.
The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket
where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it
had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't
think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game
warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack.
Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was
interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and
accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out
of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was
obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op
has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house
when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they
filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER
anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider
- a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering
behind my back and whispering "there is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer."

 

[WILL DA BEAST]

So this guy was laying in his bed wathing TV one night while his wife was looking at herself in the mirror and said "hunny i'm fat and ugly...give me a compliment please." He looks at her and says *****, you got perfect vision.

 

[nemo]

A man moves into a nudist colony.

He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her
a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that
he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo!

He's really worried but then remembers how bad his Grandmother's
eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
'Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look too short.'

 

[nemo]

Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

 

[whiskers]

Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Ups and Fed Ex =FedUp

there's a bunch of those

 

[bslick69b]

Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

fed-ex and u.p.s will merge under a new name called,fed-ups!

 

[whiskers]

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMM-Good
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

 

[bslick69b]

what did the man with leprosey tell the waittress?
keep the tip!

 

[bslick69b]

what do you call a woman with one leg?
aileen!

 

[whiskers]

what did the man with leprosey tell the waittress?
keep the tip!

prostitute and a lepar

 

[whiskers]

If a girl with big breast works at hooters, where should a girl with one leg work?
...Ihop

If vegatable oil comes from vegetables, where the f*ck does baby oil come from!?

 

[suncloud]

ahhh.. leprosy jokes.

why did the leper go back in the shower? he forgot his head and shoulders.
whats a lepers theme song? i wanna hold your hand
whats a lepers favorite book? a farewell to arms
why couldn't the leper talk? cat got his tongue.

 

[nemo]

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants

 

[bslick69b]

if you squeeze an orange you get orange juice,but if you squeeze an alligator you get gatorade!

 

[nemo]

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

 

[nemo]

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

 

[stxnas]

What's the last thing that goes a flies head when it hits your winshield?
















It's @sshole!

 

[stxnas]

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?














The TASTE!!!