Share Your Favourite Jokes...

[nemo]

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."

 

[nemo]

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

 

[nemo]

Rabbit resuscitation... A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."

​

 

[nemo]

I like your approach… let’s see your departure.

​

 

[nemo]

Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

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[nemo]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

[nemo]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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[nemo]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

​

 

[_Romeo_]

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?" The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!" The cop says, “Really! Why is that? The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."

that's a good one... hahahaha

 

[tattoopierced1]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
The mother told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad.
His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”

 

[AaronJP1]

When i was 14 my dad caught me smoking. he made me smoke the whole pack...wish he'd caught me ****ing a girl guide

lmao....
I remember those type of punishments lol...
Good stuff.
-this thread is going to make a good read when I have time.

 

[jherman08]

Best joke I heard just recently..

Dating a girl for 4 years, having a future planned based on her pushing for it, hearing "I love you" countless times each day, then her telling me she don't love me anymore, she was never happy, and can't believe she allowed me to take 4 years of her life she'll never get back.

:thumbsup:

 

[strategicmove]

Great contributions!

 

[Eberly]

A man is in the hospital recoving from an operation and has been moved from ICU to a standard room. Although he still has the IV and Oxygen, his recovery is progressing fine and he is looking forward to going home in a few days if all looks good to the doctors.

The attending nurse comes into his room and is checking the equipment and his vitals and through his oxygen mask he asks, "are my testicles black?"

The nurse is a bit flabergasted by the question and says, "Sir, I am only here to check on your IV and bloodpressure, you will have to ask your doctor that question"

He repeats himself, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Forcefully she retorts, "Sir that is not part of my duties"

When he asks her again, "are my tesiticles black?" , she senses his urgency and being empathetic to his situation, she lifts his gown grabs him by the sack, looks, and replies, "no, they look fine to me".

He removes his mask and spouts, "Honey, I appreciate the extra attention, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

Nice jokes!

 

[Eberly]

Three nuns die and they're at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter. St. Peter says " Not so fast, you must prove that you know the word of the lord so I'm gonna give you each 1 question and you can some in if you answer it "

The nuns are scared and mumbling amongst each other because they didn't expect this. One nun finally gets the nerve and she goes up for the first question.

St. Peter asks the 1st nun " Who is the first man God put on earth ? " The nun feels relieved and says " Adam ".

The second nun is now at ease and awaits for her question. St. Peters asks her " Who is the first woman God put on earth ? " The nun gets excited and says " Eve ! ".

The third nun is all confident until St. Peter asks her " What's the first thing Eve said to Adam ? " The nun is scared and doesn't know what to say so she looks at St. Peter and says " Oh my God, that's a hard one " St. Peter opens the gate and lets her in because that's the first thing Eve said to Adam.

GREAT JOKES.

 

[mikeg313]

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

 

[mikeg313]

What does a woman and KFC have in common?

Once your done with the breasts, thighs and legs all you got is a greasy box to stick your bone in.

 

[Eberly]

Heartwarming story about the elderly




When we get older we think differently don't we.
This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwards the following letter:

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Awesome.God forgive us.

 

[Eberly]

A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor.He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis . . . . which is why I came here In the first place

LOL

 

[southpaw23]

Why was the broom late to work?

re: Because he was very, very sweeeeeppppyy!!!

 

[Eberly]

The Texas Gentleman

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of
Merlot to an attractive woman.The waiter took the
Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the
sender.She regarded the wine coolly for a second,
not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply
note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.The note read:"For me to accept this
bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants."After reading the note, the Texan decided to
compose one of his own in return. He folded the
note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.It read:"For your
information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and
Matrix, in my garage. Beautiful homes in Aspen ,
Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas
. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank
account. But, NOT even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back!!!

LOL

 

[nemo]

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

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[nemo]

Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?
A: Don't look I'm changing!

​

 

[nemo]

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

​

 

[nemo]

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

​

 

[nemo]

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

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[Anabolic850]

What's something 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

 

[mikeg313]

What's something 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

You are a sick mother fuker...... Outstanding !

 

[Anabolic850]

lol,I need to get more of those,a buddy of mine said he knew some really morbid jokes,but thats the only one I remember.

 

[l2o07]

this thread is great. haha. read almost all 54 pages

 

[AaronJP1]

Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be.

Husband: a joke.

 

[strategicmove]

Wife: I'm pregnant, what do you want it to be.

Husband: a joke.

Classic!