I hate my life. anyone ever just fall backwards fighting to move on?

[KilaCali]

Sounds (to me) like you are not living true to yourself. Thats what happened (happens) to me when I don't stay true to my own Way. But its a mission just to reach the point of finding your own Way. So I don't know how far along you are but either way you sound like you are not living true to yourself.

I'm about to get some sleep but I'll read through this thread sometime tomorrow.

thanks man, that's exactly what most of it is, its the fact I can be this responsible person, a solid rock with strong morals and integrity and I feel like the last 6 months AT the least I have been fallin off, makin stupid decisions and somehow ive gained this mentality of not really giving a **** about myself and what happens to me as long as im able to be there for others and push those that need it in the right direction, but I feel hypocritical for ****ing up and not following my own advice, its like after my 24 yr old cousin lost her life in a tragic accident not to long ago and right before that my best friend, the ONLY real friend I had who was pushing me to be a better me passed away and I went through these phases where I was so manic and screwed up in the head I literally jst sat at home in this chair doing nothing for hours, like trying to research and take my mind off it but stairing aimlessly feeling like I wanted to explode and crash at the same time and it seems like since then ive lost all optimism for myself and being able to look past the here and now and yesterdays ive been in a state of mind where I was asking god to take me already and thinking about all the ways I could possibly go and not doing it myself but just asking for something to happen, ive grown tired and weary of this world and my life and lost pretty much all purpose though I know people might need me and ive helped many above and beyond my abilities but I feel like theres plenty of others that can easily take my place.. I say this now even though im in an alright mood but I still feel like thatthrough out the days and my sleep like I mentioned is so ****ed up, I hate sleeping cause literally every night I do dream its of horrible things and I wake up within two hours with the most depressin and hopeless feelings I cant shake almost the entire day.. I really do need to see a damn shrink cause I know a lot of things aren't quite right with me after all this negative **** that's happened..

once again I appreciate everything from everyone. god bless you all

 

[Otheridstaken]

Sounds (to me) like you are not living true to yourself. Thats what happened (happens) to me when I don't stay true to my own Way. But its a mission just to reach the point of finding your own Way. So I don't know how far along you are but either way you sound like you are not living true to yourself.

I'm about to get some sleep but I'll read through this thread sometime tomorrow.

Good point. I was living my life how my narcissistic uncle wanted me to for years. When I realized what he was and what he was doing, things changed. Sold everything I had, gave notice to the job, and prepared for the Appalachian trail. Told him about my plans. He hated the idea, but he had to suck it because my plans were made. Living my own life feels much more rewarding.

 

[Shasow]

thanks man, that's exactly what most of it is, its the fact I can be this responsible person, a solid rock with strong morals and integrity and I feel like the last 6 months AT the least I have been fallin off, makin stupid decisions and somehow ive gained this mentality of not really giving a **** about myself and what happens to me as long as im able to be there for others and push those that need it in the right direction, but I feel hypocritical for ****ing up and not following my own advice, its like after my 24 yr old cousin lost her life in a tragic accident not to long ago and right before that my best friend, the ONLY real friend I had who was pushing me to be a better me passed away and I went through these phases where I was so manic and screwed up in the head I literally jst sat at home in this chair doing nothing for hours, like trying to research and take my mind off it but stairing aimlessly feeling like I wanted to explode and crash at the same time and it seems like since then ive lost all optimism for myself and being able to look past the here and now and yesterdays ive been in a state of mind where I was asking god to take me already and thinking about all the ways I could possibly go and not doing it myself but just asking for something to happen, ive grown tired and weary of this world and my life and lost pretty much all purpose though I know people might need me and ive helped many above and beyond my abilities but I feel like theres plenty of others that can easily take my place.. I say this now even though im in an alright mood but I still feel like thatthrough out the days and my sleep like I mentioned is so ****ed up, I hate sleeping cause literally every night I do dream its of horrible things and I wake up within two hours with the most depressin and hopeless feelings I cant shake almost the entire day.. I really do need to see a damn shrink cause I know a lot of things aren't quite right with me after all this negative **** that's happened..

once again I appreciate everything from everyone. god bless you all

F#ck it, read the thread. Man, firstly judging by your past and current environment (although you've already made some improvements here) you have a way to go. Secondly I get the impression you're more than capable of getting through it. Letting go of anything that had a strong hold on you will ALWAYS be real tough. Its similar to trying to get over a person you loved. Hurts but gets better with effort and time and thats all you need is time and keep striving to improve your situation. Also sounds like you do well helping others so follow a path that brings you happiness and in the nicest way possible F#ck everyone else

 

[KilaCali]

Good point. I was living my life how my narcissistic uncle wanted me to for years. When I realized what he was and what he was doing, things changed. Sold everything I had, gave notice to the job, and prepared for the Appalachian trail. Told him about my plans. He hated the idea, but he had to suck it because my plans were made. Living my own life feels much more rewarding.

glad to hear you made to right changes and are happy with your life now man, that's good ****!

 

[KilaCali]

F#ck it, read the thread. Man, firstly judging by your past and current environment (although you've already made some improvements here) you have a way to go. Secondly I get the impression you're more than capable of getting through it. Letting go of anything that had a strong hold on you will ALWAYS be real tough. Its similar to trying to get over a person you loved. Hurts but gets better with effort and time and thats all you need is time and keep striving to improve your situation. Also sounds like you do well helping others so follow a path that brings you happiness and in the nicest way possible F#ck everyone else

I appreciate it, I do make some positive improvements and then I keep getting hit with these set backs and I just try to follow by faith and trust that god is doing this all for a reason even though it seems really ****ed up ive been getting to the point where I just feel completely burnt out on everything and that this is what my life is going to consist of is me by myself experiencing these hardships over and over again like a broken record,

its like set in stone every 2-3 years really bad **** always happens to me or someone close to me and I feel like Im bearing the burden so someone else in the world doesn't have to, and in a way it comforts me and I get a feeling of satisfaction if I can go through hell so that someone else doesn't have to live this life that im living then so be it, I never feel whole unless im somehow helping someone in any pay possible from giving them a nickel to taking a bullet for them, its like im constantly empty inside until I am able to do something for someone and then I feel whole again for a day, and

this is like an everyday thing so ive been trying to figure out a career I could actually be apart of and be successful at where im able to do that every day but being I made a huge ****up about 10 yrs ago it excludes me from a lot of things so its extremely frustrating and despairing but yea I guess im strong enough to get through this **** like everything else ive made it through, it just seems like the challenges and setbacks are getting more serious by the day. and I know I don't have unlimited time in this world, I can be gone tomorrow even and then what was the point ya know?

im not trying to have a pity party or make it sound like I have the worst life, I know a lot of people are dealing with much harder things yet I would almost prefer to be in their shoes cause im so burnt out on my life and what ive made of it so far and I know if I get any older doors are really going to shut on me, I feel like im on the cusp of being average or being a complete failure with the latter seeming more and more like a reality.. but enough of my depressing b.s. I feel like I sholdnt have even started this thread for the fact that I don't wanna drag nobody down with my internal problems,

so to you all I apologize for this, I really and truly appreciate all the empathy and advice and positive encouragement you all are some amazing people who I hope are blessed with the best of things and are full of contentment with your lives, you all may have been down or are down right now, but I pray that each and every one of you get through the hard times as fast as possible..

as for me, I will do my best, not for me, but for all of you that put fourth the effort to push someone in the right direction as best you can. once again thank you, and you can check into my logs on here to see how im doing, or else ill still keep an eye on this thread but I don't wanna bring fourth anymore degrading and depressing words. I wish you all the best!

 

[mixedup]

Hey just checking in bro seeing how your doing we all hit rough spots we all take falls no one is invincible it doesnt matter how many times you fall only that you get back up. I can't count how many times I've taken hits fallen into depression etc but one way or another I get back up. Even if I crawl then get to my knees then climb. Stay positive stay strong

 

[KilaCali]

Hey just checking in bro seeing how your doing we all hit rough spots we all take falls no one is invincible it doesnt matter how many times you fall only that you get back up. I can't count how many times I've taken hits fallen into depression etc but one way or another I get back up. Even if I crawl then get to my knees then climb. Stay positive stay strong

thanks brother, if anyone can relate to some of my worst situations I think you have an idea.. appreciate the support hope your doing good

 

[mixedup]

thanks brother, if anyone can relate to some of my worst situations I think you have an idea.. appreciate the support hope your doing good

I'm maintain had some difficulties too lately but doing my best to make bad circumstances into good ones

 

[Thefatbloke]

Kila, I feel for you. You sound depressed and it is often the people that suffer the most that also turn out to be the biggest supports of others. As some of the others have suggested, you need to consult with a doctor. In the short term anti-depressants will help you on the road to recovery, in the long term Mindfulness and/or Cognitive Behavioral therapy will help you get back to your positive self. Im sorry to say that depression is a well know side effect of AAS and the problem can get worse as you come off that on cycle feeling. Please get proper medical help my friend.

I don't share your relationship with God. Im glad your faith helps you and you have many friends from your church that can support you. However i strongly believe that your best plan to a fast recovery is through medical support.

Best wishes brother

 

[KilaCali]

Kila, I feel for you. You sound depressed and it is often the people that suffer the most that also turn out to be the biggest supports of others. As some of the others have suggested, you need to consult with a doctor. In the short term anti-depressants will help you on the road to recovery, in the long term Mindfulness and/or Cognitive Behavioral therapy will help you get back to your positive self. Im sorry to say that depression is a well know side effect of AAS and the problem can get worse as you come off that on cycle feeling. Please get proper medical help my friend.

I don't share your relationship with God. Im glad your faith helps you and you have many friends from your church that can support you. However i strongly believe that your best plan to a fast recovery is through medical support.

Best wishes brother

thank you man, I am kind of dreading when I come off my cycle this week but ill get through that part, im able to differentiate between feelings from outter and inner sources.. as far as my faith I have been going it alone for about a year now, no church friends, maybe a couple that share the faith which helps but I stopped going to church which was a good one I found they are hard to find, cause the friends I went with were really close friends and they seemed to have changed over my 5 years being away even though I am a big reason they are together again and now engaged which I wasn't even aware of besides seeing on facebook they kind of put me aside and everytime we would leave church it was "hey lets go hang out with this loser from back in the day" like my time was nothing to them anymore so as hard as it was I cut ties with them, I felt the only reason we went together was an obligation they felt and I don't wanna be an obligation or burden to anyone, if you don't want to willfully give me your time then don't waste mine ya know? I appreciate your support man and you got a lot of good to say, I believe I will be seeking this medical help soon, ive always hated psychotropic meds so ive shied away but lately ive been realizing maybe, just maybe theres something they can do if I find the right doc that doesn't just put me in their box that it has to be this way or no way, there are so many doctors ive met with through the years that seem to put you in this box where only these few options are available and that's it.. anyways I will be diligent in my search for an answer to my problems

 

[Thefatbloke]

You are never a burden to a friend. I know the feelings you have very well. Trust in some close friends, tell them how you are feeling, if they are a real friend as you have been to so many, they will be there and support you. I understand that feeling of low self worth, I understand the feeling of being a burden to others, but it is part of the disease, in truth you are a great person, valued by so many more than you believe.

A good doctor can be hard to find. but don't let that stop you. I have felt exactly as you do, but with help I am slowly getting back. The hardest part by far was being able to ask for help. I was surprised by who gave me the help I needed, a few disappointments, but also some friends who came through as the best supports I could ask for. Your words tell everyone here that you are strong, loving and compassionate man - trust me there are many who value you in their lives and would jump at the chance to be there for someone who has always been there for them.

 

[KilaCali]

You are never a burden to a friend. I know the feelings you have very well. Trust in some close friends, tell them how you are feeling, if they are a real friend as you have been to so many, they will be there and support you. I understand that feeling of low self worth, I understand the feeling of being a burden to others, but it is part of the disease, in truth you are a great person, valued by so many more than you believe.

A good doctor can be hard to find. but don't let that stop you. I have felt exactly as you do, but with help I am slowly getting back. The hardest part by far was being able to ask for help. I was surprised by who gave me the help I needed, a few disappointments, but also some friends who came through as the best supports I could ask for. Your words tell everyone here that you are strong, loving and compassionate man - trust me there are many who value you in their lives and would jump at the chance to be there for someone who has always been there for them.

thank you, your words are gold man! that was the hardest part is realizing it was a real problem and asking for help. slowly working through it now.