motiv8er
Well-known member
Guys, this is very funny, but read carefully!!!
>>Chili Cook-off
>
>If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
>to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
>
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
>the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
>of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have
>a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
> portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
>
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
>visiting from Springfield, IL.
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
>as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
>the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
>the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
>that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
>tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>when they saw the look on my face.
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
>beer.
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
>maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
>starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
>an aphrodisiac?
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
>I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
>needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
>directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
>really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>Screw them.
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic. Superb.
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
>snow cone.
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
>which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
>breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chili?
>Judge # 3 - No Report
>
>
>>Chili Cook-off
>
>If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
>to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
>
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
>the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
>of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have
>a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
> portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
>
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
>visiting from Springfield, IL.
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
>as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
>the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
>the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
>that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
>tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>when they saw the look on my face.
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the
>beer.
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
>maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
>starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
>an aphrodisiac?
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
>I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
>needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
>directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
>really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>Screw them.
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic. Superb.
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
>snow cone.
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
>which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
>breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chili?
>Judge # 3 - No Report
>
>