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Advice on girlfried who drinks too much?

z28man

Member
Ive been with my lady for about 4 years. Im getting a good amount of pressure for marraige as of late. Ive got some issues though before Im ready to go down that road. One very important thing that bothers the crap out of me is that she drinks, alot. Its always wine, but what started as a couple glasses a couple times a week in college has turned into a 4-5 glasses of wine every night minimum. Ofcourse by now her tolerance is high so drinking 4-5 glasses of wine nightly only gets her into buzzing status and she often will drink more than that. And its not because we go to lots of social functions either, just sitting around the house. I cant stand that she drinks this much for an assortment of reasons (wine breath nightly, trashing her liver, alcoholism runs in her family, its a huge waste of our income, she's trying to lose weight and I know this is slowing her down, etc.). She's always said she would chill on the drinking once she got a less stressful job but I just dont see it happening. Ive asked her to go a week without drinking just to prove she could do it and its always "I could do go without if I wanted to, I just dont WANT to". To me, she just cant! So I guess Im just trying to gather information on what classifies as an alcoholic (obviously functioning) and what the implications of her continuing this long term are. I just dont have much ammo when stating my case as she thinks its ok and that Im just sensitive to her drinking because I dont. Ofcourse I tell her it slows her metabolism and trashes her liver but what else? How can I handle this situation? Im not going to marry a wino, lol!
 
Unless you want to marry an alcoholic, you've gotta lay down the law or let go.

I personally wouldn't want to marry an alcoholic. You've noticed...it always gets worse with time.
 
You're not being ridiculous. It can and most likely WILL ruin your lives at one point. Ther are a few funcitonal alcoholics..but they are few and far between. Don't take chances.
 
Being and alcoholic and being a drunk are two different things. If the drinking bothers you, then you should tell her how much it bothers you.
 
I have, and she thinks Im this way about it because I dont drink and Im a health nut. When I complain about it, her reponse is always "I dont get drunk, so whats the problem?" I think thats where the grey area is in her mind, she thinks that because she is not a drunk, its OK. She has a good job, and it doesnt affect any other part of her daily life, just our relationship. I think if I could get some concrete information that classifies what constitutes an alcoholic, that could be helpful to my case. You guys know of any sites?
 
kwyckemynd00 said:
You're not being ridiculous. It can and most likely WILL ruin your lives at one point. Ther are a few funcitonal alcoholics..but they are few and far between. Don't take chances.
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At college last year I had developed all the typical symptoms of alcoholism (blackouts, cravings). It got to the point where I could down a liter of vodka no problem, but also that I would blackout most nights of drinking. One night, I ended up leaving the bar, wandering around for awhile, going to the IHOP, at which point I 'came to' and realized I was 3 miles from home and had no money on me. In a drunken haze I ran out as fast as possible and blackedout on the way home. I woke up at my Frat house in my bed at about noon, and I thought all was good. A few of the guys told me they were still up at 7am when I stumbled though into my room, and they couldn't figure out where the **** I was. Problem is, Bars close at 2am, and that means I was gone for 5 hours with only a blip of recognition.


That was in April, to this day I only drink socially and at most a few times a month. Just typing this made me want to go out and grab some beers. It is truely something I will have to work with for most of my life.

Z, make her give that week up. Bring her down off the alcohol. It isn't hard, but it takes a person that wants to stop. If she can't or won't, then it is really a decision you need to make. Do you want to deal with this problem for the next 50 years?
 
size said:
Being and alcoholic and being a drunk are two different things. If the drinking bothers you, then you should tell her how much it bothers you.
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In most cases, these are the same thing. All people react differently to chemicals, alcohol is no different in this regard.
 
z28man said:
I have, and she thinks Im this way about it because I dont drink and Im a health nut. When I complain about it, her reponse is always "I dont get drunk, so whats the problem?" I think thats where the grey area is in her mind, she thinks that because she is not a drunk, its OK. She has a good job, and it doesnt affect any other part of her daily life, just our relationship. I think if I could get some concrete information that classifies what constitutes an alcoholic, that could be helpful to my case. You guys know of any sites?
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Blackouts are the first stage of alcoholism.
 
doggzj said:
In most cases, these are the same thing. All people react differently to chemicals, alcohol is no different in this regard.
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I respectfully disagree.
Many people are now lead to believe that a drunk=alcoholic but I do not believe this to be the case.
 
size said:
I respectfully disagree.
Many people are now lead to believe that a drunk=alcoholic but I do not believe this to be the case.
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You're right, but "often" its a habit that progresses (like most habits, good or bad). As z28man said "it started at X, now its at Y". Next it will be at Z.

Either way, it doesn't matter. Its still a problem for a number of reasons. 5 drinks and she's legally drunk, too. Her BAC would be relatively high.
 
No blackouts, nothing that extreme. I think its just a dependance? She really never needs to get drunk, just right on that fine line where buzzing blurs to drunktown.
 
bulkmuscle said:
Get her so drunk she has the worst hangover of her life, that'll turn her away from alcohol for sure.
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There's some bad advice for you. If you were looking for what not to do, there it is.
 
Wow, man, your post sounds VERY familiar! My wife is the same way, maybe a glass or two shy - she'll have 2-4 glasses of wine almost every night.

At any rate, I know how you feel. I've asked her a couple of times to make it a week w/out alcohol. She'll go two or three days tops. She denies that she's an alcoholic, but her dad is a recovered alcoholic, and a bad one at that. She's also completely functional, doesn't have more than one or two around the kids, gets up on time, exercises regularly, eats well, etc.

It's really not a big deal, I guess, but it just bothers me because I know she HAS to have it. And the same reasons you gave - wine breath, expense. I actually had her working with me on two nights a week that were designated as non-drinking nights. Lasted a couple of months, then she was back to ED. Obviously, if I push too hard, I'm a controlling jerk in her mind (or her friend's minds). The only solution I've come up with is lacing her wine with radiator fluid. It's hard finish your third glass when you're dry heaving. Seriously though, my goal is to get her down to 3-4 nights/week. I could live with that. Honestly, things are so good between - us she's happy, I'm happy, kids are happy - that I have a hard time rocking the boat. I mostly just tease her about it, and let that work subtly, making her self-conscious enough to rethink that next glass.

My advice to you is to get her to cut down on the number of glasses, and the nights per week. Get her down to 2-3 glasses, 3-4 nights a week. Make sure you don't come off as preaching, or uptight. Just let her know it's more that you're concerned for her long term health as well as your future together. I'd try to make sure it happens before you get married though.
 
I think the fact that she gets so defensive about it is a big red flag. It doesn't matter if a person gets drunk when they drink or not, someone who drinks everyday is an alcoholic. Look up some websites for support groups for yourself, alanon a popular one. Even if you choose not to attend meetings you can probably get some good info.
 
Your not married to her, you have tried to talk to her, she won't hear it........seems to me you have one option or her problem will def become your problem......

good luck:)
 
A drunk doesn`t have to be an alcoholic but can become one in time... it all comes down to loss of control with your drinking habits

No matter what you say or do it will have to be her choice to stop drinking... I was the last one to know I was an alcoholic...
 
If it bothers you that much and she doesn't seem to care and continues then you need to lay it on the line and tell her that it seriously bothers you since apparently you've already tried and failed at a compromise of her drinking less. If she's not willing to compromise and drink less ..perhaps 2 glasses at most then it's time for you to cut her loose even after 4 years. You're still young..24 years old according to your avator..and you have a long life ahead of you and her not willing to change or compromise a little..especially a trait/habit that is unhealthy and usually negative in a relationship is a sure sign of her selfishness and lack of real care for your needs and happiness and her commitment to your relationship with her. You don't want to spend a lifetime struggling with a selfish person who doesn't care much about her health and even less about her relationship with you and does whatever she pleases without a concern for you.
 
In my opinion, at your age its really hard to become a true addict to anything. However, that doesnt mean it cant or wont happen. It could be just a phase, if you complain about it and focus on it, things could get worse. The criteria that defines a "problem" is when it interferes with normal functioning. She might not be an alkie. The fact that she drinks at home in your presence is a good sign, if she starts going out drinking without you, then its time to cut your losses and exit for good. There is nothing you can do to stop an addict from hurting themselves. I wouldnt overeact, ride it out . I hope that helps.
 
4 years is a long time bro. i was really bad into drinking about two and a half years ago. at the time i was dating a girl that i had been with for over 6 years. i was drinking to fill a void/ help with the pain of depression. it never made me love her any less, it was just a bad time in my life that i was trying to wash down with vodka. my girlfriend HATED that i was drunk most of the time but she cared enough to stay with me and help me stop. if she had said to me that i HAD to stop or loss her, im sorry to say that i thought i needed to be drunk more than i needed anyone or anything.i would have let her go and prob would have ended up dead or in jail, cause oh boy did i love drunk driving. i had to wake up on my own and see all the harm i was doing to her and to myself. Bottom line.. if you really love her dont push her away. you could make it worse. i know you want her to cut back/ stop but only she can say when she is ready for that.
good luck buddy. try writing her a letter. my girl did that for me and the night she gave it to me i sat there alone rereading that note all night. i ended up throwing the bottle of vodka out, calling her and telling her all the reasons why i thouhgt i needed to drink. it helped a lot.
 
If it's a problem for you, and she won't hear what you are saying, forget it. The relationship won't work long-term. Esp. if alcholism runs in her family (does on my dad's side.....)
 
i personally wouldnt put up with it. just tell her straight up. you are not married, so you can still break away if its that much of an issue.

4-5 glasses per night (at the minimum) is considered a BOOZER in my eyes.
 
DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL THIS IS RESOLVED, some people will think if we get married the problem will go away, set her down and tell her your concerns, until SHE can realize that she has a problem, what u say or do will not have any real effect, u got a long road ahead of u, see her for what she is, good luck.............
 
I feel for you big time man. I was an active alcoholic / addict for roughly 10 years. Have been clean for 15 now. About a year into clean I started dating and subsequenyly lived with a girl for 12 years who drank. At first it didnt bother me but as it progressed over those 12 years it became a living hell. Weekends were always the worst as she partied the most then. As the disease progressed for her came depression, suicide attempts, ruined birthdays , family events...........I grew terriefed of weekends too. When others were TGIF I was literally sick to my stomach. I am single now have been for about 3 years but to this day I dont sleep right at nites......to may nightime suicide calls and such from before. Anyway the point of my babble is be careful. Do not get yourself in to deep until this is resolved. You also need to understand that if she indeed is an alcholic its a lifetime disease she will battle not just give up booze for a week and you are cured. It can be managed sucessfully but takes committment and work on her part and support from you as well.
 
z28man said:
but what started as a couple glasses a couple times a week in college has turned into a 4-5 glasses of wine every night minimum. Ofcourse by now her tolerance is high so drinking 4-5 glasses of wine nightly only gets her into buzzing status and she often will drink more than that.

She's always said she would chill on the drinking once she got a less stressful job but I just dont see it happening. Ive asked her to go a week without drinking just to prove she could do it and its always "I could do go without if I wanted to, I just dont WANT to". To me, she just cant!

what the implications of her continuing this long term are.
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z28man said:
I think thats where the grey area is in her mind, she thinks that because she is not a drunk, its OK. She has a good job, and it doesnt affect any other part of her daily life, just our relationship.
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increased tolerance is a sign of the progression of the 'possibility' of developing alcohism. Another 'symptom' or 'implication' is relationship issues and minimization of the 'habit'. An alcoholic will drink under stress and they will drink when things are just fine. An alcoholic (or a habitual drinker) has developed a pattern of behavior that takes on a life of its own.
You could check out AA or AL-ANON.
doggzj said:
Blackouts are the first stage of alcoholism.
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that is very incorrect.
EEmain said:
A drunk doesn`t have to be an alcoholic but can become one in time... it all comes down to loss of control with your drinking habits

No matter what you say or do it will have to be her choice to stop drinking... I was the last one to know I was an alcoholic...
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and the only one who could do anything about it...and has :thumbsup:

z28man,
Many drinkers (alcoholic or not) say that their drinking does not hurt other people. That is a lie that they like to believe. Obviously this causes you some discomfort, financially, emotionally, etc. If you make her aware of the extent of your feelings and that her drinking [alcoholic or not] creates these situations and makes you feel this way, she has a choice. The choice is now to; consider you and your feelings and demonstarte her respect and love for you, and control of her habit, or to; demonstrate her lack of control, and therefore, an inability to put your feelings and love and respect before her alcohol.

If her drinking is a problem for you than it should be a problem for her as well. If she see's no problem with her drinking, but choses to stop because it is a problem for you, she has control. If she see's no problem with her drinking, but continues to drink, knowing it is a problem for you, she either has no respect or concern for your feelings or has a habit that she is either unable or unwilling to give up.

Please know, from my experience as a recovering alcoholic/addict, she will most likely continue to progress in tolerance and frequency until it (your feelings, her drinking consequences, etc) becomes a problem for her...and may continue for years and years past that until...well, lets just say...I have a some recovery under my belt and a lifetime [God willing] of recovery ahead.
 
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Let her know that you mind her drinking BECAUSE you love her so, and that there are way too many people who TRULY BELIEVED they were controlling their drinking at the same stage she is (3-4 ED, more sometimes) and eventually wrecked their lives because of the drink.

Let her know that you mind because you care. And if she can't understand that, then explain that you will not be with her as she drowns into alcoholism, then if she doesn't get that, you will have to leave her, telling her that she can come back to you when she is SOBER.

Whatever you do, don't get into anything binding with her until the issue is fully RESOLVED.
 
ss01 said:
Let her know that you mind her drinking BECAUSE you love her so, and that there are way too many people who TRULY BELIEVED they were controlling their drinking at the same stage she is (3-4 ED, more sometimes) and eventually wrecked their lives because of the drink.

Let her know that you mind because you care.
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:goodpost:
 
z28man said:
I have, and she thinks Im this way about it because I dont drink and Im a health nut. When I complain about it, her reponse is always "I dont get drunk, so whats the problem?" I think thats where the grey area is in her mind, she thinks that because she is not a drunk, its OK. She has a good job, and it doesnt affect any other part of her daily life, just our relationship. I think if I could get some concrete information that classifies what constitutes an alcoholic, that could be helpful to my case. You guys know of any sites?
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Just know there is a difference between an alcoholic and a problem drinker. Blackouts, being drunk, & daily drinking are not mandatory to be an alcoholic. The key is loss of control once started. "One is too many and a thousand is never enough" Alcoholism in the family doesn't help. Someone mentioned Al-Anon, consider it.
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Glad to see so many friends of Bill in the forum.
 
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