I’ve shared my story several times before, but for anyone who hasn’t heard it, here it is:
Ever since I was little, I always played sports. I did soccer, basketball, tennis, one year of football (8th grade), and baseball, but it was evident right from the start that I was way better at baseball than any of the others (and I also enjoyed it, which is important). So, I played on traveling teams as soon as I was old enough (60+ game seasons) and once I hit high school, I played for the high school team in the Spring, a local American Legion team in the Summer, and in a wooden bat Fall league that had its inaugural year my freshman year (which was very convenient). I did that for all four years (with only Winters being “off” from baseball and focused solely on training) and decided to hang it up when I went to college, because I majored in radio/TV broadcasting and my goal was to do radio play-by-play coverage of the baseball team (and I got to!). I had one year left of eligibility for my Legion team the Summer after freshman year because of my late birthday, so that was the last time I played competitive baseball.
From about the time I hit age 11 or so until high school started, I was kind of chubby. Looking back on it, I don’t know that I really was, but kids said I was and being an insecure kid myself, I obviously listened to it. Luckily, I didn’t care TOO much about it until high school hit and I was able to enjoy junior high pretty well (more than I imagine I could have if I had to go back and re-do it now with what I know/how I view things). Other than messing around at the YMCA in between games of basketball when the adults weren’t running us out, the first time I truly lifted was in 8th grade for football. Coach made us bench press (on that awkward plate bench press machine with the stack behind your head) the weight of the lightest kid on our team (I honestly want to say it was like 80-some pounds lol – his name as Boogie). The guy who repped it the most eventually went on to play football at a D1 FCS school (only because he got into some trouble and had the offers pulled from Michigan State and Iowa). I don’t remember the total number of reps I got, but it was just shy of 20, I believe. I do remember, however, that I was in the top 5 for our team and that was pretty cool.
As I’m sure you can imagine, a weight-training program for 8th graders wasn’t all that structured and we didn’t use the weight room very many times that year. So, my real introduction to the weight room was the following year with offseason training for the baseball team at our high school. The coach opened it up for anyone to workout through the entire season on an optional basis and I started right out of the gate trying to make a good name for myself in addition to making myself better. For anyone who played baseball, you know how un-sexy the lifting is that you get to do – a lot of shoulder and forearm work, core work, etc. – not exactly what a 14 year-old boy wants to do (“when do we do curls?!” lol). But from that time on, I never “skipped” the gym. I would take the Summers off from lifting aside from a session here or there because I could never do it without messing up my swing. Beyond those sessions, I would lift a little on my own at the YMCA, too. Once I was a junior and able to drive, the focus on girls was even stronger.
So, that led to more lifting and working out on my own outside of baseball. The Summer before my senior year is when it really kicked in. I was doing 1,000 crunches a night in addition to using one of my dad’s old dumbbells with the plastic plates to use as an ab wheel. By my senior year, I was running either 7 or 9 miles a night (in addition to the other training). Unfortunately, nobody taught us about eating proper and nutrition science, so in my head I needed to lose fat and that just meant eating less. So, I would barely eat and I wasted perfectly good opportunities to build more muscle and let my hormones do their thing. Instead, I surely screwed those hormones and my metabolism up, even though I never had any lab work to prove it.
Once I got to college, I didn’t have baseball anymore. I had always had organized sports and that outlet for exercise and competitiveness. I made friends easily enough once I got there, but I turned to the weightroom and that’s when it truly started. I tried working out with people a few times, but they were unreliable. And I refused to just skip out and not go because we didn’t feel like it. Sure, I would push a workout here or there, but people always wanted to do something else and find an excuse to not go – so from that point forward, I never worked out with a partner again. I started off with 3 days a week – Monday, Wednesday, Friday – doing compound lifts, upper and lower body splits, etc. And I was able to grow some nice muscle over that time, but I still could never shake the ghosts of my past in terms of feeling fat. Again, in hindsight it’s absolutely ridiculous, but that’s what I saw in the mirror. So I was always focusing on trying to lose that extra fat that was hardly there. By the end of my junior year, I started playing basketball when I saw one of my friends playing at the rec center – asked if I could play and I quietly observed while on the court and over time got good enough to be part of teams that would win all night long and we would play for 2-3 hours 3-4 nights a week in addition to my lifting, which had then beefed up to 4-5 days per week.
I kept that up through the next year as I rounded out senior year and then ended up sticking around to go straight into grad school. It was more of the same, but I had adapted my workouts to 5 days per week and was timing them out to do circuits and making other adjustments to make things more intense. When the Spring of my 2nd/final year of grad school came around, I was reading MD instead of just Men’s Health and Men’s Fitness (it was still before I’d found the forums and the knowledge they had to offer). That’s when I truly started working toward bodybuilding. I created a split that I still use to this day, 7 and a half years later. I’ve made adjustments to it, but the split has remained the same: chest, back, off, arms, legs, delts & traps, off, repeat. Once I found bodybuilding and the focus on truly building musculature for the appearance and not just performance, I felt at home. It was all I’d ever wanted after feeling insecure for a number of reasons (some of them just made up in my own mind). Just prior to starting that, I went on Spring Break to Florida with a group of my friends and I can look back at the photos in awe at how lean I was (I didn’t see it at the time). A few months later, I interviewed for a job in Kentucky and I moved.
When I moved to Kentucky, I was 208 lbs., with a 6 pack and absolutely ripped (by my own standards). I had almost a year here where my progress kept going and I felt great. But slowly, the scale started to climb up. I couldn’t put my finger on it, so I just kept altering things to counteract it – upping cardio, cutting calories. Nothing seemed to matter. Slowly that 208 turned into 230 and my abs were gone. I was pissed, but that’s not the end of the world. Except it didn’t stop there. For the first time, I went to a doctor to get blood work done to see what was going on. My testosterone levels were around 450, which wasn’t low, but obviously wasn’t great, but the biggest thing standing out was the elevated TSH. Hypothyroidism. Okay, that seems like an easy culprit; makes sense. I’ll take some synthroid and be good to go! So they started me on a 50mcg dose and even with placebo effect going in full effect, nothing good came of it. They kept upping the dose and I even convinced them to let me use a low dose of T3 with it, but to no avail. The doctors didn’t seem to care and everyone kept giving me the whole “you just have to eat less than what you burn” speech in addition to a doctor even telling me I would have to stop lifting heavy because that’s how you gain weight.
By the time it was all said and done, I had seen over 10 different doctors, including endocrinolist specialists at both University of Louisville and Vanderbilt. No one cared as much as I did and by my own research and efforts, I had everything that could possibly be an issue tested. Many things looked slightly off or like they could be the culprit, but each time it was like a dead end. This all started at the end of Spring 2010 and once 2012 was here, I was over 260 pounds. I still lifted. I still ran. Heck, I was in a flag football league and playing safety at 280 pounds the next year. But it just didn’t seem to matter. Ultimately, a dynamic brain MRI revealed what is almost certainly a prolactinoma (small tumor on my pituitary gland), which would explain the elevated prolactin levels (another joy I got to deal with in the midst of all this) and the other thyroid levels and hormones being off by secondary or tertiary means. The Rx for Cabergoline brought the PRL levels down, but that didn’t help with the weight.
To be honest, I don’t have a real answer for things other than I can tell you two things: I finally took, at my heaviest and darkest times, and went to the altar at church during worship and fell down on my knees and bawled my eyes out and prayed. I was raised in church and never had a moment where that belief wasn’t with me, but in my entire life, I had never fallen to my knees and surrendered like that. Additionally, I’d researched it previously when all this had started up, but never resorted to it because I felt like I respected the potential danger and I tried everything within my own means to correct/address it first, but I started using DNP.
From 300 pounds, I went down to 240 within 5 months’ time for my wedding day.
Since then, I can’t say I’ve found a better answer or had a doctor tell me what was wrong and how to correct it, but that’s okay. I came to terms with my circumstances and know plenty of people out there who are worse off than I am. It’s just a part of my story now and it fuels me. I wake up every single day and acknowledge the body image and food issues that I have. And I battle them a day at a time, just like I hit the gym. I’m currently around 225 lbs. and in as good of shape as I’ve been in a long time. I still don’t have my core as tight as I did back in 2009/2010, but I also have substantially more muscle than I did. And I’m working on tightening back up every single day. There have been plenty of “poor me” moments over those times, but I come back to reality and tell myself that feeling sorry doesn’t accomplish anything. It doesn’t change things and it doesn’t help. Life isn’t fair and not everything is equal. Sometimes you wind up ahead and others you are behind. But you choose how to act on your circumstances.
I lift because I care about my health. I like the way it makes me look, but I care about what it does to the inside of me, too. I want to be a father and I want to play with my kids one day without worrying about the number that dictates my age in terms of what I can do with them. The endorphin rush I get after working out beats any other high I’ve ever felt and it provides me mental clarity. The gym is my medicine and I know what I’m like without it. I lift because in my eyes, there is no other option.