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    Share Your Favourite Jokes...


    A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep, he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés, the young man realized he could not hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, that was lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
    "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he sh1ts on you!"
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    What do you call a Melmacian that fell in a pond?
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    this is wrong but i laughed my ass off when i heard it..



    Q- What's better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics??









































    A- Not being retarded.....
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
    •   
       

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    Here's another...


    A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman in the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
    Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No 5, $150 an ounce!"
    About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound".
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    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bone;
    What do you call a Melmacian that fell in a pond?
    Would you like to reveal the answer?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gixxer82;
    nycste?
    The ball is now fully in your court, ncyste...
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    Talking Are my testicles black?


    A man is in the hospital recoving from an operation and has been moved from ICU to a standard room. Although he still has the IV and Oxygen, his recovery is progressing fine and he is looking forward to going home in a few days if all looks good to the doctors.

    The attending nurse comes into his room and is checking the equipment and his vitals and through his oxygen mask he asks, "are my testicles black?"

    The nurse is a bit flabergasted by the question and says, "Sir, I am only here to check on your IV and bloodpressure, you will have to ask your doctor that question"

    He repeats himself, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

    Forcefully she retorts, "Sir that is not part of my duties"

    When he asks her again, "are my tesiticles black?" , she senses his urgency and being empathetic to his situation, she lifts his gown grabs him by the sack, looks, and replies, "no, they look fine to me".

    He removes his mask and spouts, "Honey, I appreciate the extra attention, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
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    Quote Originally Posted by lategainer View Post
    A man is in the hospital recoving from an operation and has been moved from ICU to a standard room. Although he still has the IV and Oxygen, his recovery is progressing fine and he is looking forward to going home in a few days if all looks good to the doctors.

    The attending nurse comes into his room and is checking the equipment and his vitals and through his oxygen mask he asks, "are my testicles black?"

    The nurse is a bit flabergasted by the question and says, "Sir, I am only here to check on your IV and bloodpressure, you will have to ask your doctor that question"

    He repeats himself, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

    Forcefully she retorts, "Sir that is not part of my duties"

    When he asks her again, "are my tesiticles black?" , she senses his urgency and being empathetic to his situation, she lifts his gown grabs him by the sack, looks, and replies, "no, they look fine to me".

    He removes his mask and spouts, "Honey, I appreciate the extra attention, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
    lmao, i like tripdogs joke better.

    jokes that make fun of people always get me laughing. carlos mencia was hilarious. same **** for russell peters
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    Three nuns die and they're at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter. St. Peter says " Not so fast, you must prove that you know the word of the lord so I'm gonna give you each 1 question and you can some in if you answer it "

    The nuns are scared and mumbling amongst each other because they didn't expect this. One nun finally gets the nerve and she goes up for the first question.

    St. Peter asks the 1st nun " Who is the first man God put on earth ? " The nun feels relieved and says " Adam ".

    The second nun is now at ease and awaits for her question. St. Peters asks her " Who is the first woman God put on earth ? " The nun gets excited and says " Eve ! ".

    The third nun is all confident until St. Peter asks her " What's the first thing Eve said to Adam ? " The nun is scared and doesn't know what to say so she looks at St. Peter and says " Oh my God, that's a hard one " St. Peter opens the gate and lets her in because that's the first thing Eve said to Adam.
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    Q: What's worse than a male-chauvinist pig?

    A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gixxer82 View Post
    nycste?
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
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    A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here's a great sale on tires!"
    His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." To that, the man said, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?"
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    A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"

    "NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

    She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

    "Yeah?" says the hippie.

    "Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

    The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

    "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

    "Have sex with me."

    The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

    'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

    "Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

    "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
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    This is an old one worthy of being recycled...

    Hillary Clinton is visiting a hospital as she learns more about the state of healthcare and pushes her idea for universal coverage. While walking with some of the Drs and hospital admin she looks into one of the rooms and sees a nurse going down on a male patient.

    Surprised, she asks the Drs what's going on.

    "Oh, that patient has a rare condition called "Spermusbacktemuptus" where if he does not ejaculate frequently, his sperm will get so backed up he'll die." said the Dr.

    Satisfied with this explanation, Mrs Clinton and the staff continue walking.

    After walking a few yards more down the hallway, Hillary then peers into a room and sees a man masturbating and in disgust asks "What kind of hospital are you running here?!!"

    "That patient also has spermusbacktemuptus, however he has no health insurance." the Dr replied.
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    Alright....So there are 4 people on an airplane. There is the pilot, a boyscout, Martin Luther King Jr., and the Pope. Suddenly the plane starts to drastically loose altitude and they all realize that there is only 3 parachutes on board.

    The pilot says "I have a wife and kids, so I'm taking one" and jumps out.

    Martin Luther King says "I am the smartest and most well-known negro on this planet, so I'm taking one" and jumps out.

    So now there is one left, and the Pope tells the Boyscout "Son you take the last one I have had a long life, and yours is still ahead of you."

    The boyscout replies "Pope I wouldn't worry too much about it, we both have one. The smartest Negro on the planet just jumped out with my Back Pack..LOL"
    Armed to the teeth.
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    Gixxer's momma's like a gun, two cocks and she's loaded!
    Armed to the teeth.
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    Gixxer's mom is so hairy that he was born with rug burn.
    Armed to the teeth.
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    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bone;
    What do you call a Melmacian that fell in a pond?
    What's the answer?
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    What has 10 teeth, a few hundred feet, and a combined IQ of 12?...





    The front row at the republican national convention.
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    Quote Originally Posted by manifesto View Post
    Alright....So there are 4 people on an airplane. There is the pilot, a boyscout, Martin Luther King Jr., and the Pope. Suddenly the plane starts to drastically loose altitude and they all realize that there is only 3 parachutes on board.

    The pilot says "I have a wife and kids, so I'm taking one" and jumps out.

    Martin Luther King says "I am the smartest and most well-known negro on this planet, so I'm taking one" and jumps out.

    So now there is one left, and the Pope tells the Boyscout "Son you take the last one I have had a long life, and yours is still ahead of you."

    The boyscout replies "Pope I wouldn't worry too much about it, we both have one. The smartest Negro on the planet just jumped out with my Back Pack..LOL"
    i remember that one
    The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.-Psalm 18:2
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    Quote Originally Posted by freqfly;
    A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"

    "NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

    She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

    "Yeah?" says the hippie.

    "Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

    The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

    "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

    "Have sex with me."

    The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

    'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

    "Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

    "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"
    Creative!
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    Quote Originally Posted by spatch View Post
    What has 10 teeth, a few hundred feet, and a combined IQ of 12?...





    The front row at the republican national convention.
    That's because they are the journalists!
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    Quote Originally Posted by bpmartyr View Post
    That's because they are the journalists!
    Yes, and breaking news in "The Daily Red Neck" - The civil war is over!
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    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bone;
    What do you call a Melmacian that fell in a pond?
    Final call, T-Bone! What's the answer?
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    A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor.He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis . . . . which is why I came here In the first place
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    A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.


    Cop says, "License and registration, please."

    Guy says, "What for?"


    Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


    Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
    License and registration, please."

    Guy says, "What's the difference?"


    Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop.
    License and registration, PLEASE!"

    Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop,
    I'll give you my license and registration."



    Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

    At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
    ever-loving **** out of the guy and says,



    "Do you want me to stop OR JUST SLOW DOWN
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    Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
    options.
    One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.
    The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge
    in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the
    doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge
    himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return
    trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud
    music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies
    accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner
    had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone
    cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how
    seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they
    came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The
    Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend
    over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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    Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
    A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    Q. Why do women call it PMS?
    A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

    Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
    car.

    Q. What's the height of conceit?
    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    Q. What's the definition of macho?
    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

    Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

    Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
    A. Because it's worth it.

    Q. What is a Yankee?
    A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

    Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    A. Their balls are just for decoration.

    Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
    A. About three inches.

    Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
    A. Well-Hung.

    Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
    A. For traction in the mud.

    Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
    A. The grip.

    Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard.

    Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

    Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 pounds.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
    love?
    A. The swallow.

    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

    Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
    A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A. They don't have balls to scratch
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    There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.
    "First off," the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your
    jaw."

    But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

    The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

    However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

    So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."
    After a while, he came back with a couple of pills.

    The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said,
    "Viagra."

    The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't help
    the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull
    your tooth."
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jayhawkk;
    A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor.He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis . . . . which is why I came here In the first place
    This is really best-in-class!
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    Oh sorry, the answer is "A wet Melmacian!". Hahahaha!..


    Got that joke from Alf. He is from Planet Melmac.


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    Quote Originally Posted by T-Bone;
    Oh sorry, the answer is "A wet Melmacian!". Hahahaha!..

    Got that joke from Alf. He is from Planet Melmac...
    Cool! Thanks!
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    My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'




    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST Y EAR'


    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



    My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
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    Quote Originally Posted by MattMiller View Post
    My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'




    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST Y EAR'


    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



    My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
    Excellent! You should add this to JJohn's X-Factor promotion thread (Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!). I saw you had a nice collection there, too
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    Quote Originally Posted by strategicmove View Post
    Excellent! You should add this to JJohn's X-Factor promotion thread (Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!). I saw you had a nice collection there, too
    thanks for letting me know about the x factor promotion thread man, it would be nice to get some of that in the mail
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    Quote Originally Posted by MattMiller View Post
    thanks for letting me know about the x factor promotion thread man, it would be nice to get some of that in the mail
    You deserve it!
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    Quote Originally Posted by strategicmove View Post
    You deserve it!
    i have plenty of good ones...i have some funny coworkers
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    Quote Originally Posted by MattMiller View Post
    i have plenty of good ones...i have some funny coworkers
    We would appreciate your sharing some of those "good ones"
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    A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fungii"
  

  
 

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