Originally Posted by Jayhawkk;

A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor.He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting syphilis . . . . which is why I came here In the first place

This is really best-in-class!

Oh sorry, the answer is "A wet Melmacian!". Hahahaha!..


Got that joke from Alf. He is from Planet Melmac.


YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

Originally Posted by T-Bone;

Oh sorry, the answer is "A wet Melmacian!". Hahahaha!..

Got that joke from Alf. He is from Planet Melmac...

Cool! Thanks!

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'




My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST Y EAR'


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Originally Posted by MattMiller

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'




My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST Y EAR'


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Excellent! You should add this to JJohn's X-Factor promotion thread (Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!). I saw you had a nice collection there, too

Originally Posted by strategicmove

Excellent! You should add this to JJohn's X-Factor promotion thread (Make Us Laugh: Win X-factor!!!!!). I saw you had a nice collection there, too

thanks for letting me know about the x factor promotion thread man, it would be nice to get some of that in the mail

Originally Posted by MattMiller

thanks for letting me know about the x factor promotion thread man, it would be nice to get some of that in the mail

You deserve it!

Originally Posted by strategicmove

You deserve it!

i have plenty of good ones...i have some funny coworkers

Originally Posted by MattMiller

i have plenty of good ones...i have some funny coworkers

We would appreciate your sharing some of those "good ones"

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'm Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fungii"

The Texas Gentleman

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of
Merlot to an attractive woman.The waiter took the
Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the
sender.She regarded the wine coolly for a second,
not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply
note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.The note read:"For me to accept this
bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants."After reading the note, the Texan decided to
compose one of his own in return. He folded the
note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.It read:"For your
information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and
Matrix, in my garage. Beautiful homes in Aspen ,
Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas
. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank
account. But, NOT even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back!!!

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.....but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie
got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100
if you let me have sex with you....
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend....
so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says,
"Ask him for $200' pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able
to get his pants down."
she agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....?

Still breathing hard' she managed to reply,
"The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...I think I have the wrong number!!

Originally Posted by MattMiller;

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office.....but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie
got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100
if you let me have sex with you....
The girl looked at him, then said, "NO"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend....
so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says,
"Ask him for $200' pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able
to get his pants down."
she agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....?

Still breathing hard' she managed to reply,
"The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Thanks for this! I exploded in such laughter that I basically rattled everyone within a mile radius!

Originally Posted by strategicmove

Thanks for this! I exploded in such laughter that I basically rattled everyone within a mile radius!

haha not a problem man

Boudreaux and Teboy were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Boudreaux Said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Teboy says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Boudreaux wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Teboy. Teboy says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Boudreaux says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Teboy says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Boudreaux says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing...'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?' 'No.'

'Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!'

Originally Posted by Jayhawkk

Boudreaux and Teboy were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Boudreaux Said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Teboy says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Boudreaux wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Teboy. Teboy says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Boudreaux says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Teboy says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Boudreaux says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing...'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?' 'No.'

'Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!'

Jet propulsion!

jayhawkk - any more?

all jokes suck but mine------so here's one.

Just saw two antennas get married. The wedding sucked, but the reception was awesome.

Originally Posted by AnonyMoose;

jayhawkk - any more?

Calling Jayhawkk!

a boy was walking down the street with 2 rolls of duck tape in his hand. an old neighbor gentlemen asked, "where ya goin with that duck tape?"..the boy replied, " i'm goin to getsome ducks"..the old man told the boy it is impossible to catch ducks with duck tape. 10 minutes later the boy came back with 2 ducks. the next day the same boy had a roll of chicken wire under his arms. The same old man said.."let me guess, you're gonna catch chickens today"?. the boy said "yes" and came back 10 minutes later with 2 chickens. the old man was baffled. the next day the boy was carrying 2 big *****willows over his shoulders..the old man said.."hold on junior i get my hat".

a guy walks into his house with a duck in his hand.and his wife comes out to greet him.then the man says (do you see the pig im with)the wife looks at him and says honey thats not a pig,thats a duck.then the man says to his wife.i wasnt talking to you!

A grandpa took his grandson fishing.
Out on the lake the grandpa pulled out a flask of whiskey and started sipping on it. The grandson asked "Can I have a shot?" The grandpa ask "is your penis long enough to touch your butt?" The grandson replied no, and was told he wasnt a man and couldnt drink. Then the grandpa started smoking and the boy asked for a drag. He was again turned down for the same reason. Frustrated the boy pulled out a bag of cookies his grandmother had packed him. The grandpa asked "can I have one?". The boy replied "is your penis long enough to touch your butt?" The Grandpa replied yes, and the grandson yelled back, "Good, Go Fuk Yourself! Grandma Made These For ME!

Originally Posted by whiskers;

A grandpa took his grandson fishing.
Out on the lake the grandpa pulled out a flask of whiskey and started sipping on it. The grandson asked "Can I have a shot?" The grandpa ask "is your penis long enough to touch your butt?" The grandson replied no, and was told he wasnt a man and couldnt drink. Then the grandpa started smoking and the boy asked for a drag. He was again turned down for the same reason. Frustrated the boy pulled out a bag of cookies his grandmother had packed him. The grandpa asked "can I have one?". The boy replied "is your penis long enough to touch your butt?" The Grandpa replied yes, and the grandson yelled back, "Good, Go Fuk Yourself! Grandma Made These For ME!

.....

Timmy and Sarah live next to each other. They're both in first grade. Their parents love to buy their kids something, but they've become locked into doing one-upmanship. For example, Timmy gets a swing set, so Sarah's parents buy her a jungle gym. Finally, there parents have had enough. Timmy's father pulls him aside, and tells him what to say to Sarah. Timmy walks over to Sarah's house, and drops his pants, and says "I got one of these, and you don't!" Sarah bursts into tears and runs inside. Her mom asks her what happens, then offers her some advice. The next day Sarah walks over to Timmy's house, and pulls up her skirt and says "My mom says with one of these, I can get as many of those as i want..."

This Guy Met This Girl At Collage.he Was Really Close To His Mom.by Coincidence The Girl That He Met Reminded Him Of His Mom.she Could Cook,she Was Comforting,she Really Took Care Of Him.so Immediatly He Thought That His Mom Would Approve Of Her.so He Brought Her Home To Meet His Parents.his Father Didnt Like Her!!!!!

Two brothers decide they're going to start swearing. The older boy says "ok, i'll say the word hell, and you'll say the word ass". The younger brother agrees.

The next day, they head down for breakfast. Mom says "what would you like?" the older boy says "oh hell ma, give me some cheerios." The mom backhands the kid off his stool, and he runs back to his room crying. The mom then says to the other kid "what do you want?" The kid replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't cheerios."

this gay man walks into a salami shop and he ask the butcher,can i have the biggest salami to go.so the butcher walks to the freezer,and comes back with a foot long salami,and he says would that be all for you,and the gay man says,yes thats it ,then the butcher says,do you want me to slice it up for you,and the gay man replies,hell no!what the hell do you think my ass is,a piggy bank!!

what do you call a gay milkman? dairyqueen!