Unanswered Splitting from your partner?

[Scott-b1985]

Hi guys.

Random question but just snooping for advice.

I have been partnered for 10+ year. Just like every relationship you get the up's and the down's. The last year i have just felt so distant and don't have that same connection We still kept going but i keep getting this urge to be on my own. I am 34 btw so not just over that hill yet got a good 50% still in me! Lol

My partner is a decent person. I would never take that away from her. I am currently having family issues and my mum is battling cancer. I have been stressed with keeping her in health just now but i am doing my best.

What has really pushed my decision is my partner has zero concerns for my mum? Hasn't asked if she's ok or on the mend? I broke down completely a few days ago as my mum is my rock and has done her best to bring us up and see us well. My mum dropped past a couple days ago and my partner just says hello and then went away. This has seriously cut into me and this is what has sprung my mindset elsewhere.

Is it harsh to end a relationship after 10 year? My mind is all over the place as you will read from this. My mind is saying. Am i just imagining or over exaggerating things due to this stress or have things just went south?

Just wondered if anyone has took the leap and looked back and says.. That was worth it. ? Or did it backfire?

Sorry for the rant/story i just needed to vent a little but also just have someone to get advice from. I haven't slept a wink all night as my mind is doing 100mph. Joyf of life at times eh

Thanks guys. Appreciate any feedback

 

[Beau]

Do you have children with this person?

If so, it changes things. If you have kids, stay and be their Dad.

If you do not have kids, it is far better to leave, and think you are being harsh in doing so, than to stay with the wrong person.

I stayed with an adulterous liar, intentionally - because we had children. The kids already had a piece of crap for a Mom, and they needed the best Dad they could get, so that is what I became. Once the children were grown, and the piece of crap had her 2nd affair, I kicked her out, filed for divorce and then -- I paid through the nose financially (spousal support and a couple of years of child support for my last child). Whatever it cost me, it was money well spent.

Just be aware, since you have been together for 10 years, in some states you may have financial liability, as you may be deemed common law spouses.

 

[Scott-b1985]

Do you have children with this person?

If so, it changes things. If you have kids, stay and be their Dad.

If you do not have kids, it is far better to leave, and think you are being harsh in doing so, than to stay with the wrong person.

I stayed with an adulterous liar, intentionally - because we had children. The kids already had a piece of crap for a Mom, and they needed the best Dad they could get, so that is what I became. Once the children were grown, and she had her 2nd affair, I kicked her out, filed for divorce and then -- I paid through the nose financially (spousal support and a couple of years of child support for my last child). Whatever it cost me, it was money well spent.

Just be aware, since you have been together for 10 years, in some states you may have financial liability, as you may be deemed common law spouses.

I am UK based so don't have any state enforcements/laws

No we have no kids. I would have held on if that was the case. So if we parted we would just both be single with no attachments.

A big issue is getting myself back into a property or a living situation. I know my family would help 100% until i found somewhere though.

I am gonna speak to her today. I am terrible for just sitting back and agreeing to everything so basically a sheep. I think that suits her tbh. That's another reason is to be my own man again. My decisions in this house are always snapped at if it doesn't match her ideas so what's the point in me even offering ideas at times?

Did you feel a lot better after parting ways?

 

[Beau]

Without being too dramatic, I think I would have died or a heart attack, stroke or had an aneurysm if I stayed with my first wife. If I hadn't, I would have lost all respect for myself anyway.

I remarried a few years later. I am happy, and so is my wife. It "wasn't me", and when my ex left, she took all her problems with her. She was the definition of selfishness and narcissism.

Several years later my oldest son married, and he reluctantly invited his "mother". But it was me and my wife who were honored and who were included in the ceremony. Butt-head was there, but played no role and was not mentioned in any way.

And, her butt has really grown - a lot, but her boobs hadn't. She looked like she hasn't aged well and has had a tough menopause (poor baby). Oh, she was also told by my son that her husband (the latest affair partner) was not welcome and should not attend.

But it was funny -- every time me or my wife looked up, fat-butt was staring at us.

So, I feel great about dumping her - and I am still alive.

 

[Scott-b1985]

Without being too dramatic, I think I would have died or a heart attack, stroke or had an aneurysm if I stayed with my first wife. If I hadn't, I would have lost all respect for myself anyway.

I remarried a few years later. I am happy, and so is my wife. It "wasn't me", and when my ex left, she took all her problems with her. She was the definition of selfishness and narcissism.

Several years later my oldest son married, and he reluctantly invited his "mother". But it was me and my wife who were honored and who were included in the ceremony. Butt-head was there, but played no role and was not mentioned in any way.

And, her butt has really grown - a lot, but her boobs hadn't. She looked like she hasn't aged well and has had a tough menopause (poor baby). Oh, she was also told by my son that her husband (the latest affair partner) was not welcome and should not attend.

But it was funny -- every time me or my wife looked up, fat-butt was staring at us.

So, I feel great about dumping her - and I am still alive.

Wow that's awesome buddy

I went to leave last year. Had bags packed and walked out. (Just had enough at that point) I got chased after and the water works turned on and gullible me fell for it

My partner is OCD and controlling. Everything needs to go with her way of thought but she words it so it sounds like your involved (If that makes sense). Last week i disagree'd with an idea she was looking to purchase. It wasn't a money aspect it was just a ridiculous purchase and un-needed ie we had one already. I wasn't snappy about me disagree'n but just was honest that we don't need it. I never got spoke to for the next hour. Honestly if people knew how f*cked up that makes you feel!

I am gonna speak to her today. I am just depressed these days. Another thing to note is. Whenever i speak to my partner i get terrible anxiety? That is not normal! I can openly speak but it just doesn't feel comfortable.

Your wife will probably still think that you have lost something special btw They always have this persona that they were never in the wrong

Sounds like life has worked out for you... Big time. Awesome.

Did you get any water works when you left? Any tips to actually switch off from this? I am too soft and she knows this so can easily turn those tears on. I need to bite down and try block that out

 

[Beau]

No water works for me, by that point -- we were past that. She tried that in the past, at first it worked. And then I realized I was being worked.

But, she used tears with everyone else. What an attention whore.

But, she was absolutely stunned at how quickly I got over her after I told her to leave. Sad, but also hysterical at the same time. It really bothered her. Others who saw her looking at us at the wedding believe she was envious. I really couldn't care less. I am just so very thankful that she is someone else's issue.

But not for my children, I would consider the marriage a bad decision. But, because of them, it was a good one.

Even having to endure 27 years of unbridled selfishness and crap.

My life is now a reward.

Ask and answer the following questions: Do you have unbridled trust in this person, and hold them in the highest regard?

If no, you know what you need to do. You mentioned talking to her - but I'd like to ask - with what as the objective? What will it accomplish? If you are trying to make yourself feel better - you won't. If you think she will suddenly (after 10 long years) change - she won't.

If that conjecture is true - for what essential purpose would you speak to her about it? Is it simply to communicate your decision?

Because -- you are not obligated to negotiate your feelings or conclusion, or convince her.

 

[thebigt]

it's not uncommon for a partner/spouse not to have a close relationship with the others mother, but her total disregard for what you are feeling in regards to your mother's health is unacceptable, imo.

 

[Beau]

Any update?

 

[TheVenom]

No water works for me, by that point -- we were past that. She tried that in the past, at first it worked. And then I realized I was being worked.

But, she used tears with everyone else. What an attention whore.

But, she was absolutely stunned at how quickly I got over her after I told her to leave. Sad, but also hysterical at the same time. It really bothered her. Others who saw her looking at us at the wedding believe she was envious. I really couldn't care less. I am just so very thankful that she is someone else's issue.

But not for my children, I would consider the marriage a bad decision. But, because of them, it was a good one.

Even having to endure 27 years of unbridled selfishness and crap.

My life is now a reward.

Ask and answer the following questions: Do you have unbridled trust in this person, and hold them in the highest regard?

If no, you know what you need to do. You mentioned talking to her - but I'd like to ask - with what as the objective? What will it accomplish? If you are trying to make yourself feel better - you won't. If you think she will suddenly (after 10 long years) change - she won't.

If that conjecture is true - for what essential purpose would you speak to her about it? Is it simply to communicate your decision?

Because -- you are not obligated to negotiate your feelings or conclusion, or convince her.

Sticking a pin in this for when I need solid logic to hold me down. Thanks man.

 

[Beau]

Sticking a pin in this for when I need solid logic to hold me down. Thanks man.

You are more than welcome.

Normally I just post stupid and immature things, but there is a serious and contemplative side, too.

I will be happy to help anyone, especially if I have some past experience on the subject that has taught me valuable life lessons.

 

[chem.jr.]

No water works for me, by that point -- we were past that. She tried that in the past, at first it worked. And then I realized I was being worked.

But, she used tears with everyone else. What an attention whore.

But, she was absolutely stunned at how quickly I got over her after I told her to leave. Sad, but also hysterical at the same time. It really bothered her. Others who saw her looking at us at the wedding believe she was envious. I really couldn't care less. I am just so very thankful that she is someone else's issue.

But not for my children, I would consider the marriage a bad decision. But, because of them, it was a good one.

Even having to endure 27 years of unbridled selfishness and crap.

My life is now a reward.

Ask and answer the following questions: Do you have unbridled trust in this person, and hold them in the highest regard?

If no, you know what you need to do. You mentioned talking to her - but I'd like to ask - with what as the objective? What will it accomplish? If you are trying to make yourself feel better - you won't. If you think she will suddenly (after 10 long years) change - she won't.

If that conjecture is true - for what essential purpose would you speak to her about it? Is it simply to communicate your decision?

Because -- you are not obligated to negotiate your feelings or conclusion, or convince her.

27years!? That is the sigb of a real man who put the children first! God bless you sir. And I hope you know that if your children dont express how lucky they are or know it right now that they surely will at some point even if they dont say anything. I know how lucky i am for what my parents did, and im sure your children do/will at some point. Thanks for posting the realness as it has made me evaluate a newer relationship that is getting into serious territory and made me ask myself a few things. Thank you.

 

[Beau]

27years!? That is the sigb of a real man who put the children first! God bless you sir. And I hope you know that if your children dont express how lucky they are or know it right now that they surely will at some point even if they dont say anything. I know how lucky i am for what my parents did, and im sure your children do/will at some point. Thanks for posting the realness as it has made me evaluate a newer relationship that is getting into serious territory and made me ask myself a few things. Thank you.

Thanks. I have great relationships with my sons, but my daughter was the casualty of the divorce. She had a lot of help coming to her conclusions, and I've not been afforded the opportunity to be part of her life. But if given an opportunity, I will resume our relationship - and without going over or reopening the past (because sometimes being right is overrated and the cost of being right can be too high).

I also opened my house to a young man who was my oldest son's best friend, but who had been in the Foster Care program. When he turned 18 he had no place to go, and I gave him his own room and considered him my son (still do). I charged him nothing and took him on vacation with us every year - and he became part of the family. He was there for the last 5 years of the "old thing" and he saw what we had to deal with. After things played out, he admitted that he despised my first wife. We still see one another regularly, and he calls me Dad.

So, being "good" has to be its own reward; not that there haven't been plenty of times that I truly failed to be as good as I would hope for.

Now I will go back and post more absurd things.

 

[Rubisean]

I will add to this...
I married my best friend when I was 23. We came from a unique and uncommon situation in the fact that her parents and my parents were married 52 years before our fathers passed.
My point is we had great roll models and took our wedding commitment till death do us part to heart.
We just celebrated 26 years of marriage a few weeks ago and I asked her to marry me again.
I see more young people thinking that marriage is a trial run and if it does not work out you can divorce and try again.
I know some people are in bad relationships and divorce is necessary, I do not judge.

Any way my wife blessed me with 4 sons that we have been able to show how we make marriage work.

Best of luck OP

 

[Beau]

I will add to this...
I married my best friend when I was 23. We came from a unique and uncommon situation in the fact that her parents and my parents were married 52 years before our fathers passed.
My point is we had great roll models and took our wedding commitment till death do us part to heart.
We just celebrated 26 years of marriage a few weeks ago and I asked her to marry me again.
I see more young people thinking that marriage is a trial run and if it does not work out you can divorce and try again.
I know some people are in bad relationships and divorce is necessary, I do not judge.

Any way my wife blessed me with 4 sons that we have been able to show how we make marriage work.

Best of luck OP

Congratulations, really and truly.

My posts above may not lead anyone to this conclusion, but I am one of the strongest anti-divorce people you will ever meet. I agree - marriage is anything but a trial run. None of this is a dress rehearsal. Marriage is intended and designed as a lifelong, monogamous relationship - and the foundation of our society.

It was, among other things, the role modeling of my own father that gave me the wisdom not to leave after her first adulterous relationship in 1998 (I stayed until I found out about the 2nd time (at least I think it was the second, and I really don't want to know)).

I stayed because I gave my word, that she didn't keep her's did not negate mine, although adultery is usually the one automatic ejection button the faithful person is entitled to press. But I had three children - and my commitment was not only about me or my happiness - it was about doing the right thing by everyone - most importantly - my kids.

Congratulations. It encourages me to read your story. Your sons are lucky indeed.

 

[chem.jr.]

Thanks. I have great relationships with my sons, but my daughter was the casualty of the divorce. She had a lot of help coming to her conclusions, and I've not been afforded the opportunity to be part of her life. But if given an opportunity, I will resume our relationship - and without going over or reopening the past (because sometimes being right is overrated and the cost of being right can be too high).

I also opened my house to a young man who was my oldest son's best friend, but who had been in the Foster Care program. When he turned 18 he had no place to go, and I gave him his own room and considered him my son (still do). I charged him nothing and took him on vacation with us every year - and he became part of the family. He was there for the last 5 years of the "old thing" and he saw what we had to deal with. After things played out, he admitted that he despised my first wife. We still see one another regularly, and he calls me Dad.

So, being "good" has to be its own reward; not that there haven't been plenty of times that I truly failed to be as good as I would hope for.

Now I will go back and post more absurd things.

Again, two more very big signs of being a real man- letting it "go" w your daughter and taking care of that one boy that wasn't technically your son. As someone who also lived something very similar I'm sure that's young man will never forgets what you have done for him and I hope just watching him blossom into a decent human being is enough of a reward. Although I'm sure he will try to repay it the best he can.

 

[chem.jr.]

@Rubisean and @Beau - both you guys have made me very happy bc it means there must be women on the same page out there, even my age, and thats all I need to carry on. Tyvm both of you.