Wife wants a divorce

nightshift

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Some of you may recall a few months ago I posted about my wife and I having some problems. She has many health issues and recently had hip replacement surgery. She told me she was going to move out to "clear her head". Things calmed down for awhile and seemed to be stabilizing. Apparently I was mistaken. Today she told me she wants a divorce. Said she was tired of sacrificing things she wants and accused me of purposely spending extra money on the kids(braces) to keep her from getting stuff (botox, boob job, cruises, etc...) I make a pretty decent living and we live a comfortable life.
There is a long history of depression in her family, although no one will admit it. She has been on and off anti-depressants since I met her. Her doctor recently prescribed Cymbalta, but she refuses to take it or any other meds for her depression.
We have been married for 18 years and the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach. But the words that were directed at me were so hurtful and angry, I can't get them out of my head. She left earlier to today and I have no idea if she is coming back. Where do I go from here?
 
ozarkaBRAND

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Do her a favor and get her back; make her see the light. She's obviously not thinking clearly, esp with the depression thing.
 
DmitryWI

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I'm sorry to hear that. Do you still want to be with her?
 
Cellardude

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Some of you may recall a few months ago I posted about my wife and I having some problems. She has many health issues and recently had hip replacement surgery. She told me she was going to move out to "clear her head". Things calmed down for awhile and seemed to be stabilizing. Apparently I was mistaken. Today she told me she wants a divorce. Said she was tired of sacrificing things she wants and accused me of purposely spending extra money on the kids(braces) to keep her from getting stuff (botox, boob job, cruises, etc...) I make a pretty decent living and we live a comfortable life.
There is a long history of depression in her family, although no one will admit it. She has been on and off anti-depressants since I met her. Her doctor recently prescribed Cymbalta, but she refuses to take it or any other meds for her depression.
We have been married for 18 years and the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach. But the words that were directed at me were so hurtful and angry, I can't get them out of my head. She left earlier to today and I have no idea if she is coming back. Where do I go from here?
whats wrong with getting the kids braces? Im 19 and I got braces on and off just recently. My parents spent some good money on them (the clear ones to keep myself from looking like an embarrassment) but I appreciate it as hell as it makes me look more confident. Its kinda wrong in my opinion to think of yourself over your kids. If it were me I think I would have done the same thing in your situation. Most caring and right minded parents usually would place a very high priority on their children over themselves.

I just find it a bit selfish though as to think of ones own priority and wants over those of your kids. I think If I got into an IVY league, my parents would have probably sold the house and car just so I could attend school. I would do the same.

(good call on the braces though! Im sure your kid appreciates it when they get them off. I speak from personal experience :) )
 
slow-mun

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Some of you may recall a few months ago I posted about my wife and I having some problems. She has many health issues and recently had hip replacement surgery. She told me she was going to move out to "clear her head". Things calmed down for awhile and seemed to be stabilizing. Apparently I was mistaken. Today she told me she wants a divorce. Said she was tired of sacrificing things she wants and accused me of purposely spending extra money on the kids(braces) to keep her from getting stuff (botox, boob job, cruises, etc...) I make a pretty decent living and we live a comfortable life.
There is a long history of depression in her family, although no one will admit it. She has been on and off anti-depressants since I met her. Her doctor recently prescribed Cymbalta, but she refuses to take it or any other meds for her depression.
We have been married for 18 years and the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach. But the words that were directed at me were so hurtful and angry, I can't get them out of my head. She left earlier to today and I have no idea if she is coming back. Where do I go from here?
Document everything(and record if possible after reading the next line), check with state laws for tape recording and its admission as evidence, and make sure you are letting your kids know what is going on at all times. I don't care if you absolutely want to work things out, b/c it may very well be too late at this point. Protect your children and your livelihood before going any further.
 
Cellardude

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Document everything(and record if possible after reading the next line), check with state laws for tape recording and its admission as evidence, and make sure you are letting your kids know what is going on at all times. I don't care if you absolutely want to work things out, b/c it may very well be too late at this point. Protect your children and your livelihood before going any further.

what happens if no evidence is presented? just curious as to why this would be a issue/big deal?

(not a smart ass question, I really dont know!)
 
slow-mun

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what happens if no evidence is presented? just curious as to why this would be a issue/big deal?

(not a smart ass question, I really dont know!)
Some states require consent to be tape recorded or videotaped. If there is no consent then the evidence is inadmissible. This does not apply to security cameras or law enforcement.
 
nightshift

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I do not want to go through a divorce, but I realize that we may have reached a breaking point. Personally, I have always tried to find a solution to life's problems rather than run away from them. Unfortunately my wife is a runner who chooses to treat her depression by self medicating.
My kids are aware of what is going on, especially my 14 year old daughter. The 10 year old has many questions, but I think is afraid to ask.
My belief is that it is in my family's best interest to work this out . Convincing my wife of that is the wild card right now. We have been through a lot in 18 years. I hope there will be at least 18 more.
 
slow-mun

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I do not want to go through a divorce, but I realize that we may have reached a breaking point. Personally, I have always tried to find a solution to life's problems rather than run away from them. Unfortunately my wife is a runner who chooses to treat her depression by self medicating.
My kids are aware of what is going on, especially my 14 year old daughter. The 10 year old has many questions, but I think is afraid to ask.
My belief is that it is in my family's best interest to work this out . Convincing my wife of that is the wild card right now. We have been through a lot in 18 years. I hope there will be at least 18 more.
You seem to be very unhappy and I truly wish you the best. If you have a family friend or relative that you normally confide in, then I would seek them out for advice. I still stand by my initial recommendation to have things in order if things go bust. The best thing for your family is for you to remain strong during this time. Good luck to you.
 
Cellardude

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Some states require consent to be tape recorded or videotaped. If there is no consent then the evidence is inadmissible. This does not apply to security cameras or law enforcement.

what is the evidence for? I know certian states (cali) I belive as long as you feel you two arent "right" for each other you can get a divorce, but certian states require proof.

Also if a divorce is to occur, would evidence help show the other party to be an unfit parent of some kind? I would assume evidence is used in this case to find unfit parenting perhaps and determine ultimately how the money should be split?
 
Cellardude

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I do not want to go through a divorce, but I realize that we may have reached a breaking point. Personally, I have always tried to find a solution to life's problems rather than run away from them. Unfortunately my wife is a runner who chooses to treat her depression by self medicating.
My kids are aware of what is going on, especially my 14 year old daughter. The 10 year old has many questions, but I think is afraid to ask.
My belief is that it is in my family's best interest to work this out . Convincing my wife of that is the wild card right now. We have been through a lot in 18 years. I hope there will be at least 18 more.
good luck nightshift! hope all goes well.
 
nightshift

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Thanks for the advise and recommendation. You are right. I am very unhappy and feel as though there is a huge weight upon me. Honestly, this board is my only outlet. I am a very private person when it comes to my personal life. I appreciate you all listening.
 
Jayhawkk

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I would say make your kids your number one priority in your decisions. Convincing your wife to come home when she truely doesn't want to will make for an unhappy household. Sometimes people grow apart... The sad thing is that it is usually just one of the two that want to end things. Let her come to her own senses.
 
T-Bone

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Fight for her. 18 years of life together is too much to lose. If she has depression/mental disorders she may not know what she is doing when she tells you she wants a divorce. I'm guessing its something in her head that is blown out of proportion. In other words it makes sense to her because of the mental problems. Maybe if you can convince her to take her medication or at least go seek some professional help.

Good luck.
 

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I would say make your kids your number one priority in your decisions. Convincing your wife to come home when she truely doesn't want to will make for an unhappy household. Sometimes people grow apart... The sad thing is that it is usually just one of the two that want to end things. Let her come to her own senses.
:goodpost:

couldnt agree more. if you push it she will rsent you for trying to control her, even though you are not.

at the end of the day the kids are the most important and they need to be at the forefront of your thoughts and decision making.

good luck
 
crader

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There is not much I can say to help or make you feel better. But I wanted you to know I'm sorry you are hurting! Marriage is hard. I hope she comes back missing you and maybe you two can go on a mini vacation and try to reconnect without the stress of everyday life.
 
Fastone

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I think the best you can do is give her some space for awhile then look into counseling. However, if she really wants to be done with the marriage, there's not much you can do. As others have said, the kids become extremely important at this time. Try to make sure that the differences between you and your wife don't damage them. In the 30 years i've been married, there have been a couple of close calls but fortunately, my wife and I were somehow able to find the things that brought us together in the first place. I hope the same for you.


:bruce3:
 
Beau

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I went through 27 years of a marriage in which I tried to make my wife be a better person that she really was. In other words, I tried to hold her accountable to the things she committed to doing, but lied about. I was miserable, but I wanted to hold my family (three kids) together. I tried to recover from her first affair, went through counseling, struggled with her lack of remorse and attempt to make any form of restitution, etc. My efforts were rewarded by her having another affair - 9 years later. She left. I have never been happier. Although much poorer financially, I am much happier nonetheless.

You CANNOT make her want to do anything. Either she wants you, or she doesn't. Mine didn't - and she didn't deserve me either. I ate nothing but the **** sandwiches she ordered for me, and I did it like a man. Or so I thought. I should have walked.

Well, I should have divorced her 9 years ago. The family I fought to save is in shambles (my two adult children will have nothing to do with their tramp-mother).

This sounds harsh and I would have never before given this advice, but now I do. My wife choosing to be a whore was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was the only thing she could have possibly done to drive me away.

Thank you - you filthy B-I-T-C-H.
 
EasyEJL

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i'd say there comes a time when it is "time to say goodbye". You'll never be able to fix her genetic predisposition to depression, and never be able to "make" her take the medication she doesn't want. She's already broken her half of the marriage vows by leaving and moving out, so may as well finish it.
 

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why dont u let her be. like she said let her clear her head and she will realize what she is doing. dont bug her dont beg for her. u see u give her attention she will take advantage and feel wanted if u dont. she is gonna wonder.

i went thru the same thing. just stoped bugging that one person altho its hard to do. but **** flipped when i stopped bugging.
 
b unit

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sorry to hear bro, there's a saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, it's gotta want to drink.

when someone would rather prefer silicon titties and botox over braces for their kid then things aren't cool, maybe it's time to let her go and move on with your life, i realsie it's easier said than done however.

i hope things work out whatever way they go, the kids are numero uno in this situation, maybe having a mother around who doesn't want to be there would do them more harm than her not being there.

just my humble 2 cents worth
 
B5150

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I would say make your kids your number one priority in your decisions. Convincing your wife to come home when she truely doesn't want to will make for an unhappy household. Sometimes people grow apart... The sad thing is that it is usually just one of the two that want to end things. Let her come to her own senses.
I'm going to emphasize what Jay has said here and add something too it. Be the best husband you can be, be the best father you can be, accept the thing you cannot change, change the things you can and pray for wisdom to know the difference.

Divorce was the very most painful experience of my life. I am here to say that had I not found the strength to live through and feel every emotion I would not have come out the other side a better person.

Love her if she changes, love her if she doesn't, love her if she leaves, love her and get help for the both of you if she decides on her own to stay.

Love you children and always protect them as much as possible from anyone and everything that may wound their spirit. They will know the kind of man you are by the way you handle your heartbreak. Be a great man regardless.

I am sorry for your pain.
 
Beau

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I'm going to emphasize what Jay has said here and add something too it. Be the best husband you can be, be the best father you can be, accept the thing you cannot change, change the things you can and pray for wisdom to know the difference.

Divorce was the very most painful experience of my life. I am here to say that had I not found the strength to live through and feel every emotion I would not have come out the other side a better person.

Love her if she changes, love her if she doesn't, love her if she leaves, love her and get help for the both of you if she decides on her own to stay.

Love you children and always protect them as much as possible from anyone and everything that may wound their spirit. They will know the kind of man you are by the way you handle your heartbreak. Be a great man regardless.

I am sorry for your pain.
This was a great response. I wish it was one that I was capable of writing today; although I am certain the day will come in the future.

Divorce is really a horrible experience. It tears muscle from bone. It splits children and fractures their sense of self and order in the world. Divorce has no honor. Everyone is a casualty. There is a reason God hates divorce (read Malachi). The Bible provides but two conditions under which divorce may occur; adultery and abandonment of a believer by a non-believer. Both apply in my case; yet - divorce is terrible.

I wish reconciliation had been an option; God knows I tried.

My ex-so-called-wife has made it awful for the children. She is a narcissist. She has borderline personality disorder. And she has attachment disorder. But most importantly, she has full responsibility for her actions; just as I do for mine. BTW - she made her announcement that she loved the other man and wanted to marry him on my oldest son's birthday. Happy birthday to him.

Whatever you do, do it with integrity. Your children will watch (and hopefully follow) your lead. But if you do wind up in divorce, if you've done everything you can to avoid it - then you will be able to walk away with honor.

And regardless of what others may contend - your children will WILL suffer from divorce. Many say that a divorce impacts three generations. It will scar all involved.
 
b unit

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And regardless of what others may contend - your children will WILL suffer from divorce. Many say that a divorce impacts three generations. It will scar all involved.
an unhappy marriage or relationship with children involved also has this potential to scar just as much my friend IMHO
 
Beau

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an unhappy marriage or relationship with children involved also has this potential to scar just as much my friend IMHO
I thought so as well, and still believe there is merit to your contention. I've read several reports that dispute this; meaning the damage from divorce frequently exceeds the damage from keeping the family in-tact; although there are cases such as alcohol abuse, domestic violence, etc., under which divorce must be a less destructive resolution.

Here is my point: I believe many view divorce as a simple operation one which excises something from an otherwise healthy body. In my case, I believe it was like a cancer was being excised from me. But, that isn't all that happens. Many others are hurt as well; and recent studies say this damage (to children specifically) is more devastating than living in all but the most abusive marriages.

Divorce, while sometimes the only option, is still a painful and devastating process.
 
b unit

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no 2 marriages are the same nor for that case is divorce, each is as unique as the people involved, one solution will not suit all!

as long as both parties have an attitude that the kid's welfare is numero uno then possibly damage can be limited the a degree, children from broken marriages who still have parents who both believe in their children's welfare coming first above all else will benefit far more than kid's who have parent/s who are too selfish to only care about themselves.

a child really doesn't need a selfish parent in their lives IMHO.
 
MK9

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WOW! I just went through a divorce where my spouse was unfaithful, and it was painful. I live in Canada where her family is at and I am gaining momentum socially.
Nightshift, this is going to make you a much stronger and better person than you could have ever imagined. You are the rock of your family, and you need to keep your head up through out this.
Your wifes priorities are clearly not in order, let alone her responsibilities. If she walked out on you meaning she packed her bags and left to stay somewhere else, then you need to secure your finances ASAP! Meaning cancel your credit cards, and move whatever you have under YOUR name.
Seek legal counsel, and since there is a medical history of her depression, this needs to be brought up to your lawyer.
I am soooo sorry to have to hear about what you are going through, but you do have options and it is salvageable. However it takes 2 people, but you may be the voice of reason at this point.
If her decision seems hasty, or out of the ordinary find out if there is a 3rd party influence i.e. is an affair going on??
I found out my ex-wife was having an affair, and confronted her about it, so you may want to do he same.
The signs will be there like she wants to look good all of a sudden, she is acting suspiciously, coming home later than she should be, and making plans to go out quite often without you.. Something to look into, not saying she is, but look at everything.
Do you think she may be frustrated with her situation and feels that she may be unworthy? Talk with her, and do something fun\nice, for example go out for dinner, a nice romantic dinner just the 2 of you, and have a nice talk, talk about the good times, make her laugh, and love her as I know you do. Its gonna be the fight of your life, and regardless of the outcome things will get better.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
MK9
 
Zero V

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Spending money on your kids for braces will give them great rewards. I lived in a poor family and never had dental... I hate my teeth, it greatly attacks my self esteem and drive. It took me years to master myself and get control of my self esteem. You took care of your kids, the sole reason a parent has a child is to do everything in their power to show them love and give them the best life they cant offer.

You did what was honest, rightious, and showed true love to your children. She should have been happy to have someone like you for their father.

I hope you get the happy ending you deserve.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
nightshift

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There has been some suspicious behavior since her health has been improving. I have confronted her about seeing someone else. She flat out denies it. I have discovered nothing to refute that. With all of her health issues, she does have very low self esteem. Thinks she is not worth much and believes I feel that way about her too. She has not worked in a long time and feels like I am punishing her for that. This is all unbelievably frustrating for me. There has been a lot of emotional and financial sacrifices made over the years caring for her. Almost cost me my job on a couple of occasions. And now that she is feeling better, probably the best she has felt physically in years, to be told that I am selfish and uncaring is really crushing.
Regardless of the outcome, I am confident that my conscience and dignity will be clean and in tact.
 
MK9

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Nightshift,
Gather as much evidence as you can regarding her suspicious behavior..If you have to snoop then by all means do so, of course she will deny she is seeing anyone else, and they wont admit it until you have concrete evidence. In my case I had enough log files and photos that made my stomach turn and I could not sleep, and lost 15lbs in 2 weeks. If she is chatting lots on MSN or other instant messaging client then it makes it all the easier, also her cell phone sms messaging, outgoing\incoming calls and time of calls...
She is lashing out at you, sometimes as a result of guilt, but make her feel special, and treat her to something nice.
In fact, if you can remember the cool stuff you 2 did together when you were first dating, then try and do those activities again. Just don't give in, and stand your ground, you are doing very good considering your circumstances. Chin up, chest out. It will all work out how it's suppose to. Your children are needing you, and I am sure you are doing exceedingly well!
MK9
 
B5150

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Here is my point: I believe many view divorce as a simple operation one which excises something from an otherwise healthy body. In my case, I believe it was like a cancer was being excised from me. But, that isn't all that happens. Many others are hurt as well; and recent studies say this damage (to children specifically) is more devastating than living in all but the most abusive marriages.

Divorce, while sometimes the only option, is still a painful and devastating process.
To further the cancer metaphor; there are cases when the only thing that can cease the progression of the cancer is the deceasing of the host.
 
B5150

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no 2 marriages are the same nor for that case is divorce, each is as unique as the people involved, one solution will not suit all!

as long as both parties have an attitude that the kid's welfare is numero uno then possibly damage can be limited the a degree, children from broken marriages who still have parents who both believe in their children's welfare coming first above all else will benefit far more than kid's who have parent/s who are too selfish to only care about themselves.

a child really doesn't need a selfish parent in their lives IMHO.
As well I agree with this too. It is purely by my practice of what I have preached above that my relationship with my ex and my children is still fruitful. Don't get me wrong, there are challenges, and for me the most specific is the distance. Yet I know and have witnessed my ex and I growing closer as parents and becoming the friends we never had the capacity to be when we were in a dysfunctional marriage.

I truly believe that for us, under our circumstances, had there not been a divorce, things would have likely progressed to the point where there would indeed have been more damage than the divorce itself. Granted, divorce is still not what my first choice would have been and there certainly is and was collateral damage, even to myself.
 
b unit

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As well I agree with this too. It is purely by my practice of what I have preached above that my relationship with my ex and my children is still fruitful. Don't get me wrong, there are challenges, and for me the most specific is the distance. Yet I know and have witnessed my ex and I growing closer as parents and becoming the friends we never had the capacity to be when we were in a dysfunctional marriage.
cheers B

why am i not surprised that you have been able to achieve this?

if only this was common practice for all parents who no longer lived together, kids would all be a lot better off and cycles could be broken.

:thumbsup:
 
B5150

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Well there was a prerequisite of civility required from both parties. Without it we likely would have been the norm but we have come to pride ourselves in being trend setters. Seriously, we have divorced friends and family who can't handle us. We flaunt it ;)
 
crader

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I agree with B here. i have three kids and was married to their father. Seperate we are much better parents than we were together.

My parents stayed together for my sister and I and I don't appreciate it still now. I used to hide in my room and pray the fighting would stop. I promised not to do that to my own kids. So as much as I feel guilty we get along much better apart. And this is after he took my kids from a babysitter and ran with them for several months. He refused me contact and had them in tears if I tried to contact them. I missed my sons b=day because of it.

But after the divorce was final and I stood strong for my kids and let it all go, we get along now. I took forgiveness on my part, but for the kids its worth it. They deserve to see me stand strong, after all kids mimic the parents responses. Your marriage may reflect the relationships they choose!
 
EasyEJL

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With all of her health issues, she does have very low self esteem. Thinks she is not worth much and believes I feel that way about her too.
that raises the odds of her having an affair, because any reasonably good looking/successful/younger/etc man who pays attention to her could just flip that switch to her feeling good about herself by enough flattery and BS
 
toughchick401

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I am sorry for your pain, I hope all works out for you in the end....

((HUGZ)))

TC
 
Beau

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I admire those that have been able to execute the type of forgiveness God asks us to extend. I am not there yet. I hope to be, but my so-called-ex-wife continues to cause damage to our children. I am not OK with that.

Case in point, I have seen my daughter one time for about an hour since the She-Devil left in Sept 07, and a second time (Father's Day) for about 90 seconds. Why? My ex continually poisons my daughter against me, and has created a fairy tail about her affair - even to the extent that I somehow caused it. Now, we both contributed to the marital discord that much is certain. But only one person allows an affair - the person having the affair. I will take no credit or blame for that. I CHOSE NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR - despite my most basic needs not ever having been met. Why? I gave my word that I would forsake all others. There was nothing conditional about that. There was no escape clause.

My ex has established a relationship with my daughter which is commonly referred to as "emotional incest". There is a very good book on that topic. At its essence, this involves creating a covert relationship in which the parent uses the child for the parent's emotional needs. My daughter's counselor sees this exactly for what it is. So do two other counselors. My middle son said she tried to do the same with him. He told her no way.

So, I have had my ex secretly campaign against me for three years - although I had no idea. Basically, my daughter has been taught to see that men are weak and can be made powerless, that secrets and lies are OK for so long as you don't get caught, and that affairs are understandable under some conditions. My daughter's counselor says this has arrested my daughter's emotional growth at a time she needs it most.

It is impossible, for the time being, to treat my ex as if this is OK. My ex has bold faced lied to anyone and everyone one who will hear; something both of my sons are disgusted by.

I am hurt that my opportunity to co-parent my daughter had been burglarized and that I have been defamed to my daughter.

Really, my daughter is the biggest casualty; not me. I am angry that she has been so intricately involved in such an adult matter.

My ex wife is a terrorist to me and my sons, and - at some point and without anything nasty having been done on my part - I am told my daughter will see it. Her counselor says that she will have to face a very difficult situation; one in which she was told certain things about me that are false for the purposes of making a special alliance between her mother and her, and when my daughter realizes this - her sense of well being will be devastated.

But (he said with rolling eyes), at least all of this was done for a good cause; so that the She-Devil could seek her own narcissistic pleasure.

I am going to have to find a way to try to co-parent with someone who has done everything imaginable to be an enemy.

I write this so that you may see to true pitfalls of a failed relationship. Men - keep your vows. Real men do everything they can to try to love their wives. I did.
 
nightshift

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After thinking on this for a couple of days and more discussion, my sense is that this is going to end badly. She does not love me as a husband anymore, only as the father of our kids. I am having a difficult time digesting the words I am typing. Betrayed doesn't even scratch the surface as to how I feel right now. I can't sleep or eat. Thought I was going to pass out at work last night. My strength has always been my mental and physical resilience when confronted with adversity. Please don't fail me now. I apologize for rambling on. There's just a lot I need to get off my mind. Thnks
 
b unit

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keep rambling

just keep sharing your feelings with us all bro,

the good and not so good, get it all out.

there's people here who have been through what you're going through and made it to the other side so they know how you feel my friend

we're here to share the pain, that's what friends are for
 
Beau

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After thinking on this for a couple of days and more discussion, my sense is that this is going to end badly. She does not love me as a husband anymore, only as the father of our kids. I am having a difficult time digesting the words I am typing. Betrayed doesn't even scratch the surface as to how I feel right now. I can't sleep or eat. Thought I was going to pass out at work last night. My strength has always been my mental and physical resilience when confronted with adversity. Please don't fail me now. I apologize for rambling on. There's just a lot I need to get off my mind. Thnks
If anything, I believe what I have gone through/am going through has helped prepard me to help others facing a same or similar fate. PM me if you would like. I'll give you my phone number. Remember that we are intended to be in community, not struggle through problems alone.

God Bless You.

Beau
 
EasyEJL

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keep rambling

just keep sharing your feelings with us all bro,

the good and not so good, get it all out.

there's people here who have been through what you're going through and made it to the other side so they know how you feel my friend

we're here to share the pain, that's what friends are for
its a lot worse if you have no where to let it pour out
 
nightshift

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I had a very insightful discussion with my 14 year old daughter today. She too has suspected my wife may be seeing someone. She also clued me in as to the chat rooms my wife frequents. No concrete evidence, but it added another piece to the puzzle. Apparently she plans on moving out while the kids and I are away on vacation. She was included in the original vacation plans but has informed me she will not be joining us.
I have a theory regarding her behavior. Please fell free to weigh in. As a teenager and into her early 20's she was a mess. She basically wasted and lost 10 years to drugs, alcohol, and other addictive behavior. I believe most of her health issues as an adult are related to this time in her life. Now that she is regaining her health, she wants that lost time back. To be 20 and have almost no responsibilities.
I have been talking with my kids a great deal about our current situation. Assuring them that I will always be there for them.
Also, do I say anything to the extended family at this point? So far I have been putting on the happy face and saying all is good. I cannot do that forever. Thanks for listening
 
EasyEJL

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I had a very insightful discussion with my 14 year old daughter today. She too has suspected my wife may be seeing someone. She also clued me in as to the chat rooms my wife frequents. No concrete evidence, but it added another piece to the puzzle. Apparently she plans on moving out while the kids and I are away on vacation. She was included in the original vacation plans but has informed me she will not be joining us.
I have a theory regarding her behavior. Please fell free to weigh in. As a teenager and into her early 20's she was a mess. She basically wasted and lost 10 years to drugs, alcohol, and other addictive behavior. I believe most of her health issues as an adult are related to this time in her life. Now that she is regaining her health, she wants that lost time back. To be 20 and have almost no responsibilities.
I have been talking with my kids a great deal about our current situation. Assuring them that I will always be there for them.
Also, do I say anything to the extended family at this point? So far I have been putting on the happy face and saying all is good. I cannot do that forever. Thanks for listening
starting at the end, i wouldn't go out of my way to tell the extended family, but if they asked i'd be honest (and no attempts at sugar coating, if they ask how she is an answer of I dunno, she doesn't live here anymore is ok)

I think you have a small piece of it there with trying to reclaim those years, but I think its more about the long term self esteem issues. I'm kinda betting that the background feeling is that she was such a looser for so long that by association you must be a looser too (in her head) to have wanted her. So now that she's trying to fix herself up, she's looking for something better. Likely someone 5-10 years younger than herself, probably vaguely good looking with a vague resemblance to some lame tv or movie personality.

not saying at all that any of this is true, but its part of self defeating attitude that goes along with long term self esteem issues, and drugs and the rest
 
b unit

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Now that she is regaining her health, she wants that lost time back. To be 20 and have almost no responsibilities.
i was going to ask about that.

there's a good chance that once she finds out that the grass isn't greener on that side of the fence as a lot of people do who try to recapture "lost youth", she may come back pleading to be forgiven, just be prepared for that possiblity.

stay strong

p.s - awesome to see you having open dialogue with your 14 year old daughter btw
 
nightshift

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I found out through some digging that my wife has been attending AA meetings. She also started taking the meds for her depression. My daughter has confided in my that the wife has been lashing out at her. Needless to say, my daughter is very confused. I guess at this point it is probably best if she leaves. Hopefully everything will calm down and we can reach some type of resolution. My gut tells me that reconciliation is a long shot at best.
 
nightshift

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I discovered today that my wife has 2 other cell phones going. Apparently she has been spending the time I'm at work engaging in phone sex and internet chat lines. Needless to say, we have not had relations in months. When I confronted her about it she said it was not as bad as it seemed and that she was just taking care of her needs. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Emotionally, I am all over the map. Still not eating or sleeping well.
 
rhodesman

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I discovered today that my wife has 2 other cell phones going. Apparently she has been spending the time I'm at work engaging in phone sex and internet chat lines. Needless to say, we have not had relations in months. When I confronted her about it she said it was not as bad as it seemed and that she was just taking care of her needs. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Emotionally, I am all over the map. Still not eating or sleeping well.
That "punch in the gut" you are talking about is the worst feeling. I just read your entire thread. I cant imagine the pain you feel. If what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger you are going to be REALLY strong. You are in my prayers.
 

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