[B5150]

Originally Posted by Beau

Here is my point: I believe many view divorce as a simple operation one which excises something from an otherwise healthy body. In my case, I believe it was like a cancer was being excised from me. But, that isn't all that happens. Many others are hurt as well; and recent studies say this damage (to children specifically) is more devastating than living in all but the most abusive marriages.

Divorce, while sometimes the only option, is still a painful and devastating process.

To further the cancer metaphor; there are cases when the only thing that can cease the progression of the cancer is the deceasing of the host.

[B5150]

Originally Posted by b unit

no 2 marriages are the same nor for that case is divorce, each is as unique as the people involved, one solution will not suit all!

as long as both parties have an attitude that the kid's welfare is numero uno then possibly damage can be limited the a degree, children from broken marriages who still have parents who both believe in their children's welfare coming first above all else will benefit far more than kid's who have parent/s who are too selfish to only care about themselves.

a child really doesn't need a selfish parent in their lives IMHO.

As well I agree with this too. It is purely by my practice of what I have preached above that my relationship with my ex and my children is still fruitful. Don't get me wrong, there are challenges, and for me the most specific is the distance. Yet I know and have witnessed my ex and I growing closer as parents and becoming the friends we never had the capacity to be when we were in a dysfunctional marriage.

I truly believe that for us, under our circumstances, had there not been a divorce, things would have likely progressed to the point where there would indeed have been more damage than the divorce itself. Granted, divorce is still not what my first choice would have been and there certainly is and was collateral damage, even to myself.

[b unit]

Originally Posted by B5150

As well I agree with this too. It is purely by my practice of what I have preached above that my relationship with my ex and my children is still fruitful. Don't get me wrong, there are challenges, and for me the most specific is the distance. Yet I know and have witnessed my ex and I growing closer as parents and becoming the friends we never had the capacity to be when we were in a dysfunctional marriage.

cheers B

why am i not surprised that you have been able to achieve this?

if only this was common practice for all parents who no longer lived together, kids would all be a lot better off and cycles could be broken.

[B5150]

Well there was a prerequisite of civility required from both parties. Without it we likely would have been the norm but we have come to pride ourselves in being trend setters. Seriously, we have divorced friends and family who can't handle us. We flaunt it

[crader]

I agree with B here. i have three kids and was married to their father. Seperate we are much better parents than we were together.

My parents stayed together for my sister and I and I don't appreciate it still now. I used to hide in my room and pray the fighting would stop. I promised not to do that to my own kids. So as much as I feel guilty we get along much better apart. And this is after he took my kids from a babysitter and ran with them for several months. He refused me contact and had them in tears if I tried to contact them. I missed my sons b=day because of it.

But after the divorce was final and I stood strong for my kids and let it all go, we get along now. I took forgiveness on my part, but for the kids its worth it. They deserve to see me stand strong, after all kids mimic the parents responses. Your marriage may reflect the relationships they choose!

[EasyEJL]

Originally Posted by nightshift

With all of her health issues, she does have very low self esteem. Thinks she is not worth much and believes I feel that way about her too.

that raises the odds of her having an affair, because any reasonably good looking/successful/younger/etc man who pays attention to her could just flip that switch to her feeling good about herself by enough flattery and BS

[toughchick401]

I am sorry for your pain, I hope all works out for you in the end....

((HUGZ)))

TC

[Beau]

I admire those that have been able to execute the type of forgiveness God asks us to extend. I am not there yet. I hope to be, but my so-called-ex-wife continues to cause damage to our children. I am not OK with that.

Case in point, I have seen my daughter one time for about an hour since the She-Devil left in Sept 07, and a second time (Father's Day) for about 90 seconds. Why? My ex continually poisons my daughter against me, and has created a fairy tail about her affair - even to the extent that I somehow caused it. Now, we both contributed to the marital discord that much is certain. But only one person allows an affair - the person having the affair. I will take no credit or blame for that. I CHOSE NOT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR - despite my most basic needs not ever having been met. Why? I gave my word that I would forsake all others. There was nothing conditional about that. There was no escape clause.

My ex has established a relationship with my daughter which is commonly referred to as "emotional incest". There is a very good book on that topic. At its essence, this involves creating a covert relationship in which the parent uses the child for the parent's emotional needs. My daughter's counselor sees this exactly for what it is. So do two other counselors. My middle son said she tried to do the same with him. He told her no way.

So, I have had my ex secretly campaign against me for three years - although I had no idea. Basically, my daughter has been taught to see that men are weak and can be made powerless, that secrets and lies are OK for so long as you don't get caught, and that affairs are understandable under some conditions. My daughter's counselor says this has arrested my daughter's emotional growth at a time she needs it most.

It is impossible, for the time being, to treat my ex as if this is OK. My ex has bold faced lied to anyone and everyone one who will hear; something both of my sons are disgusted by.

I am hurt that my opportunity to co-parent my daughter had been burglarized and that I have been defamed to my daughter.

Really, my daughter is the biggest casualty; not me. I am angry that she has been so intricately involved in such an adult matter.

My ex wife is a terrorist to me and my sons, and - at some point and without anything nasty having been done on my part - I am told my daughter will see it. Her counselor says that she will have to face a very difficult situation; one in which she was told certain things about me that are false for the purposes of making a special alliance between her mother and her, and when my daughter realizes this - her sense of well being will be devastated.

But (he said with rolling eyes), at least all of this was done for a good cause; so that the She-Devil could seek her own narcissistic pleasure.

I am going to have to find a way to try to co-parent with someone who has done everything imaginable to be an enemy.

I write this so that you may see to true pitfalls of a failed relationship. Men - keep your vows. Real men do everything they can to try to love their wives. I did.

[b unit]

i've started a new thread on women and husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London

[nightshift]

After thinking on this for a couple of days and more discussion, my sense is that this is going to end badly. She does not love me as a husband anymore, only as the father of our kids. I am having a difficult time digesting the words I am typing. Betrayed doesn't even scratch the surface as to how I feel right now. I can't sleep or eat. Thought I was going to pass out at work last night. My strength has always been my mental and physical resilience when confronted with adversity. Please don't fail me now. I apologize for rambling on. There's just a lot I need to get off my mind. Thnks

[b unit]

keep rambling

just keep sharing your feelings with us all bro,

the good and not so good, get it all out.

there's people here who have been through what you're going through and made it to the other side so they know how you feel my friend

we're here to share the pain, that's what friends are for

[Beau]

Originally Posted by nightshift

After thinking on this for a couple of days and more discussion, my sense is that this is going to end badly. She does not love me as a husband anymore, only as the father of our kids. I am having a difficult time digesting the words I am typing. Betrayed doesn't even scratch the surface as to how I feel right now. I can't sleep or eat. Thought I was going to pass out at work last night. My strength has always been my mental and physical resilience when confronted with adversity. Please don't fail me now. I apologize for rambling on. There's just a lot I need to get off my mind. Thnks

If anything, I believe what I have gone through/am going through has helped prepard me to help others facing a same or similar fate. PM me if you would like. I'll give you my phone number. Remember that we are intended to be in community, not struggle through problems alone.

God Bless You.

Beau

[EasyEJL]

Originally Posted by b unit

keep rambling

just keep sharing your feelings with us all bro,

the good and not so good, get it all out.

there's people here who have been through what you're going through and made it to the other side so they know how you feel my friend

we're here to share the pain, that's what friends are for

its a lot worse if you have no where to let it pour out

[nightshift]

I had a very insightful discussion with my 14 year old daughter today. She too has suspected my wife may be seeing someone. She also clued me in as to the chat rooms my wife frequents. No concrete evidence, but it added another piece to the puzzle. Apparently she plans on moving out while the kids and I are away on vacation. She was included in the original vacation plans but has informed me she will not be joining us.
I have a theory regarding her behavior. Please fell free to weigh in. As a teenager and into her early 20's she was a mess. She basically wasted and lost 10 years to drugs, alcohol, and other addictive behavior. I believe most of her health issues as an adult are related to this time in her life. Now that she is regaining her health, she wants that lost time back. To be 20 and have almost no responsibilities.
I have been talking with my kids a great deal about our current situation. Assuring them that I will always be there for them.
Also, do I say anything to the extended family at this point? So far I have been putting on the happy face and saying all is good. I cannot do that forever. Thanks for listening