If you have kids/been divorced/in court/on probation, PLEASE READ!
- 02-04-2008, 06:23 PM
If you have kids/been divorced/in court/on probation, PLEASE READ!
I'm gonna try my hardest to get this to make as much sense as possible. I'm trying to make a very long story, very short. I guess what I can do is just give you the main points, or highlights. A lot of the people here are very generous, courtious, and knowledgable. I sometimes feel like some of you are friends, or maybe even family, because of talking together so much, giving each other advice, etc.
So, anyways, to the point of this thread;
- Summer 2006, my ex and I begin dating. I'm 19 going on 20. I'm told by my ex's best friend that she's 16 going on 17, but come to find out, she was only 15. Our parents were both very concerned about the age difference, but they eventually ended up accepting the situation. Things started with us as friends, but then progressed.
- April 2007, my ex and I find out that she's pregnant with my child. I told her that I would support her either way, no matter what she chose to do. She chose to continue with the pregnancy.
- June 2007, I begin seeing and hearing interesting messages via IM and text, and on her voicemail. I confront her since it was a male individual. She tells me that he's just a friend. I don't say "I love you" to girls that I'm friends with and I don't bash my friend's boyfriends/girlfriends, but whatever. Moving on...
- July 2007, my ex's new friend somehow finds out my information (cell phone number and screen name - I eventually find out that my ex supplied him with my information.) He insists on harrassing me, talking shiit, and making threats (Let me mention here that, he's 5'4'' and 110 lbs, and I'm 5'8'' and 205 lbs.) My ex eventually joins in by listening in on the calls and trying to say whatever she can to make me jealous, aka piss me off. I begin working 12-hour shifts at a local manufacturing plant, with full benefits and making $13/hr to start.
- August 2007, I find out that my ex and this guy (Come to find out, she met him on Myspace [go figure] and he's 16, but going on 17 at some point.) My ex calls me up late one night, crying, telling me that she had something to confess to me. She tells me that she ended up cheating on me with this kid. Her excuse was, "You weren't there. You were at work. I couldn't wait until you got home." God forbid, I'm working long hours to save up money for her, our son, and myself.
- August 2007 (Mid-August), my ex insists on making plans with me to 'work shiit out.' We agree to meet at her mother's place (her parents are seperated.) I go there and, to my surprise, she arrives with this guy. I begin to confront them. She tells me to go home and we'll talk it over later. The guy, well... he Forrest Gump's his ass like there's no tomorrow. I chased after him, beat him to the ground, but only until my ex's mother came out, screaming, biting me, pulling my hair, scratching me, etc. She threatens to call the police. Three people pry me off the guy. I leave and surrender to the police. I could've gotten charged with Trespass 1st, Stalking 4th, and Assault 3rd. For some reason, the Stalking 4th charge stuck, but everything else was dropped. I spent a night in city jail and go to court the following morning. An OFP (Order For Protection) is issued in my ex's favor, but it's only temporary (2 weeks.) I was living with my father and this whole situation was stressful on him, as he's an older guy. I get kicked out and a close friend's family takes me in for 2-3 weeks. My ex and I are officially broken up.
- September 2007, 13 nights into the 14, my ex tracks me down at a friend's house. She comes crying to me, wanting to talk things over, once again. I knew that I was gonna get caught if I went and had court the following morning. I did the stupidest thing ever and went with her. An off-duty cop must've seen us together and reported it. I surrendered to the police and got charged with Criminal Contempt 2nd. I almost got charged with Endangering The Welfare Of A Child, but that charge was dismissed a couple of months later, which I'm getting to. The following morning I go to court. I'm taken into custody and face up to 3 months in jail. The OFP is extended for 2-3 months, even though my ex and the DA had spoken on several occasions about getting it dropped. I was in custody for about an hour, then bailed out $500 cash/$1000 bond.
- November 2007, the Stalking 4th charge is dropped. The Endangering charge is dismissed. I plead guilty to Criminal Contempt 2nd and am sentenced to 3 years of probation. The 2-3 month OFP is extended until November 08, 2012! I enter probation and VIP (Violence Intervention Program), which lasts for 32 weeks.
- December 2007, I'm borderline depressed. I struggle with everything. I get shot down my several jobs due to my new criminal record and probation.
- January 2008, my son is born. I'm unable to see his birth, or even in general, due to the OFP that my ex still has against me. More employers continue to shoot me down because of my record and probation. Now that my son's here, I begin to struggle even more. All I want is to be with him.
- February 2008, so far, I've already been shot down by one or two employers. They won't say why, but I'm used to this by now. I know exactly why: criminal record and probation.
I'm trying my hardest to get back in with the US Postal Service, as I've done temporary work for them before, but I'm going for a permanent position this time. The pay and benefits are outstanding. Everyone there enjoyed working with me, so hopefully my story gives them a little more of incentive. I must have a job, so that I can have money, because I need a family lawyer and may need a criminal lawyer. I'm petitioning to have a Court Order put out against my ex, ordering her to show up to Family Court for a paternity test. My son is, without a doubt, mine. He looks exactly like me, but I can fight her for custody if he's not proven to be mine. I'm petitioning myself, so that I pay child support. It's the only right thing to do. I wanna be in my son's life, more than anything. I'm also petitioning to have a Court Order, ordering her to show up for court, so that I can get joint legal custody. But here's the thing; I tried filing these petitions a few weeks back, but the court clerk noticed my ex's birthdate and suggested that I get a lawyer before filing the petitions. She mentioned that the Family Court judge, though he's more concerned about our son being raised right, might bring up the age difference between my ex and I, and may question whether or not it's been dealt with in a criminal court. This scared the shiit out of me, of course. I've been through enough already. I'm the real victim here! So, would it be a good idea to hire a family lawyer and a criminal lawyer? I have lawyers lined up, but I just need to pay them. They're some of the best in my area. I'd just rather spend the money for a criminal attorney and have him there, just to be safe. Or, would this not be necessary? I've heard that the Family Court couldn't do anything to me because 1) he cares about the child and the child only 2) a charge was already pursued against me, but dropped and 3) I'm already serving a sentence and the judge can't infringe upon it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry if this seemed like so much to read. I'm grateful for you taking your time to read this. This wasn't easy. I constantly have to discuss this, write about it, think about it, etc. It seems to help at times.
- 02-04-2008, 06:46 PM
i feel for you bro, girls that age are not mature enough to handle a man =(, im on probation but its for fighting wish i could help you out =\
02-04-2008, 07:09 PM
All of a sudden my issues seem so unimportant. Goodluck man and hang in there. A lot of guys would have done a runner. Your a young buck, dont let it ruin your life!
02-04-2008, 08:09 PM
Me and a few other guys on here have shared stories about criminal mistakes and the hard times as a result. You are not alone and even if it takes years, time heals things. I am in the process of having the final year of a 4 year deferred sentence cut short. I just got a letter from the judge saying that the motion will be upheld as long as the DA does not object. Similar to your situation, meaningful jobs are hard to come by and that's why I need this thing to be dropped. I have two kids and there's no telling what things would be like if I never got into trouble, but you've gotta drive on. The court needs to see you do this. You need to stay employed in anything and/or be in school. You have to show progress as much for yourself as anything else.
It took guts to share your story and I thank you for doing so as a member here did me when I shared mine. I lived with guilt for what I did for a long time and I am just now coming around to forgiving myself. Get help if you need it. I found pro-bono counseling through Catholic Social Services and I realized that tything and prayer do work. God is always there for sincere people.
02-04-2008, 08:17 PM
Was she 17 when she got pregnant? its hard to say from your timeline. From what I can tell, 17 is the legal age of consent in NY. You were over 18 at that point (possibly 21?). So if she was under 17, for her to become pregnant would require you having had sex with a minor. From what I can tell, there is a 5 year statute of limitation on statutory rape in NY. So basically from my perspective for you to avoid being able to be prosecuted and permanently for life labeled as a pedophile and sexual predator, you can't afford to bring her into a courtroom until she is 22. I'm not a lawyer mind you so I could be wrong on this. However, I'd DEFINITELY say its worth spending $150-whatever to sit down with a criminal attorney to verify what I just mentioned there in terms of the ages + timelines. the piece I am wishy washy about is that it may only count if you were over 21 and she was under 17. Given your timeline though, it appears possible that you could have been in that situation.
Definitely talk to a criminal lawyer. have the birthdates and the date of the last time you had sex with her (as close as you can tell it) handy. Then after you can be sure whether it was potentially a chargeable act at the time, you can decide when to take some action about child support/custody.
lemee know if there is anything else I can do to help
02-04-2008, 08:31 PM
No she was 15 when they first had sex from what I can tell.
Honestly I REALLY feel for the OP.
BUT I think it is VERY telling when he says HE is the victim. Not sure you would see it that way if it was your 15 year old daughter having sex with a 19 year old.
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02-04-2008, 08:33 PM
Muscle Guy in NY I would STRONGLY suggest you delete this entire thread. You just admitted on an open board, which most likely your ex knows you go on, you committed MULTIPLE felonies
Sleep Supplement 3Z BCAA: Red Raspberry and Lemon flavors
HGH/sleep enhancer: HGHpro
Test Booster: TestoPRO and STOKED!
Preworkout: MANIAC Fruit Punch and Pink Lemonade
02-04-2008, 08:38 PM
If it was my daughter, well all I can say is i have one of these, with a better scope than in the picture.
but seriously well crap, I was that age too once. So I know how it feels. I honestly don't have that long, the older daughter is 11. You can't blame the boy entirely either, after all hopefullly you know where your 15 year old child is.... And hopefully your relationship with them is such that they can talk to you. damn, I don't want to think about it.
02-04-2008, 08:47 PM
Wow dude, I'm freaking out about the wrong things in life ! That sucks to hear because our legal system tends to favor women in these cases.
I hope you know you shouldn't be messing with 15 y/o girls. You seem like a good guy but I'd go apesh!t on a man if he was 19-20 and having sex with my 15 y/o daughter. Stay away from any chick under the age of 21 for the time being.
Get the best legal representation you can afford, it'll be worth it in the long run. Good luck with the employment aspect. I'm currently on the verge of being hired by the County and they pretty frown upon criminal records. I hope you get a good job, you deserve it and it's almost essential now that you have a son.
I'm proud to see that you're going to be involved in your sons life. I know too many young people who make babies but don't raise them.
02-04-2008, 10:44 PM
I learned my lesson. I knew that I was biting off more than I could chew. I would say that, if I could go back, then I never would've done what I did. But now that I have a beautiful baby boy, my own flesh and blood, I can no longer say that. He wouldn't have been possible without my ex.
I'm on probation for the Criminal Contempt 2nd, for violating the OFP. But what happened was, I pound the shiit out of guy while my pregnant ex was standing about 5 feet away. That's why they put me into a VIP class, which is pretty much 'emotional management,' not anger management.
02-04-2008, 10:53 PM
I was the one who decided to get both, a family attorney and a criminal attorney. The money is gonna be very well spent. I have all the information available for an attorney. Just waiting to start a halfway decent job, so that I can begin saving up and get the ball rolling. I must do this myself, or else my ex's family will try keeping my son away from me. She can drop me the OFP, which her friends have told me that she's intending on doing so, but I'm not telling her family or friends that I'm taking her to court. It'll come as a surprise, but I must do this for myself, but especially for my son. The reason I'm only going for joint custody, is because I feel our son needs both of us in his life. I never intend on taking my son away from my ex.
We did have sex while she was 15 1/2 and I was 18, going on 19, and while she was 16 and I was 19 going on 20. Couples like this are very common around here. Some people get caught, some don't.
The family attorney is charging $75 for a consultation and $700+ for court work and so on. The criminal attorney I'm choosing charges $150 for a consultation and then $800+ for court work and such. The money will be worth it. I need to be here for my son and I'm only 20, so I have plenty of time to turn my life around. I've really been trying my hardest.
02-04-2008, 10:58 PM
02-04-2008, 11:00 PM
My ex and I haven't talked in months. We're not allowed to. My current partner knows about me being a part of this website, but my ex doesn't. But, like I said, the police and courts know all of this anyway, so I don't really have much to be concerned about. My main concern now is my son and being here for him.
02-04-2008, 11:07 PM
My ex seemed to always wanna date guys a few years older than her. We only intended on being friends, but ended up enjoying each other's company and decided to try going out. We ended up going through a lot. Her father and I got along for the most part, but we never really got to know each other all that much. Her mother and I hardly ever got along. Her mother is very physically abusive towards her. She abused my ex when she was growing up and still abuses her. Her mother is the one who was the brains behind convincing her to cheat, file for an OFP, call the police, etc. Her mother will threaten, blackmail, and bribe her. Even my ex's father approached me in a local store and told me that his ex-wife went beyond the line, and that he was gonna try helping my ex to drop the OFP. He, and the police, even told me that he wrote a statement, in which he said that he didn't want charges pressed against me. He didn't want me going to jail. He knows that I treated his daughter very well. Of course we had our problems, but all couples do.
I can understand where a lot of you are coming from. One day, someday, I may have a daughter of my own. I refuse to be a hypocrite, but I could definitely teach a lot of older guys a lot of things, from first-hand experience. This has been a very bumpy ride. Very unpleasant. My life's been hell.
02-04-2008, 11:14 PM
I'm trying my hardest to get a job. I won't get shiit for custody if I don't have a job. That's why I'm trying to bust my ass searching for a job, so that I can go to court and prove that I'm employed. I'll have money, benefits, paystubs, etc. I'm also gonna write on the petition that I wanna pay child support, so I wanna be court ordered. I'm coming forward. It's the right, responsible, and manly thing to do in this situation. Most men try to avoid this. All I ask for in return, is joint legal custody, which her family doesn't want me having, only out of spite. Several employers have turned me down due to the record and probation, but mostly because of the probation. I have about 29 weeks left of this VIP class and then I'm gonna attempt to get my case with probation expunged. But the two main requirements are 1) maintaining suitable employment and 2) completeing all courses that the court and probation assign you to.
I have a very experienced family attorney (a woman, but she's a hardass) and criminal attorney lined up (he got a man off manslaughter, but ask for the story if you're interested.)
02-04-2008, 11:31 PM
Well, this is just me and I'll put it out there, just like I do to alot of other people. I worked at McDonald's from 16-19 yrs old. Yep, 3 years I worked at McDonalds earning my money. This was the only job I could get as no other places would hire me. It was a 'racial thing' because of the former place I used to live at, but I won't go into that. I've came across a lot of people who are in the position that need money, and Mcdonald's is always hiring. They also offer full-time benefits to full-time employees. Hell, they would always ask everyone to work extra overtime due to shortage in staffing. So that meant extra money.
Most people think that job is beneith their dignity, but there is nothing shameful about earning money. A lot of people there were in a similar rut in their lives earning money and having benefits.
02-05-2008, 12:06 AM
02-05-2008, 12:47 AM
02-05-2008, 12:56 AM
I really would like to take college courses, which I'm sure I'll eventually get around to. I just need to get a job. I'd like a job, which would help me pay for tuition. A lot of state and federal jobs do that. I actually just got back from speaking with my former supervisor at the postal warehouse. He'll be speaking with the postmaster in the morning, about my honest and sincerity. The postmaster has been wanting me to go back. I don't know what the hell happened with that. I did temporary work for them from Nov '06 to February '07. It was great pay. The benefits will be amazing once I make it through the probationary period. I'll be working either 6a-2p or 10p-6a. The bouncer gig would be on Fri, Sat, and Sun nights, though, so I don't think I could get the USPS to work around that. I'd most likely have to work an odd job in certain days. I'll figure something out. I need to make what money I can and a lot of it. I'm working on getting my own condo and a new car, but I also wanna save up for my son. I'm really wanting to get my life back in order.
I'm sure it'll look interesting for me to be walking into the courtroom with 2 different attorneys, but I'm not taking any chances. I need a family lawyer to deal with the custody and a criminal attorney to help me make sure that my ass stays out of jail. If I'm working a full-time, especially a federal one, then that'll be great. That'll seriously be considered. Working an extra job would be a plus. It'd show that I'm a hard working and trying my hardest to do what I can. It'll also look good if I'm taking college courses at some point. I'll do whatever it takes. I need to be with my son. I need him in my life. I'm willing to make amends with my ex and maintain a friendship, but nothing more. Hopefully she can understand and accept that. I've moved on and I'm happier than ever. I don't care who she ends up with, so long as they don't abuse her, they respect her, and they respect and accept my son. I'll never accept another man who tries being involved in my son's life, though. I guess that's just a father thing.
02-05-2008, 02:27 AM
hey man, that really blows, and it is so unfair the way guys get treated in the court of law. no matter what happens, its always the guys fault, even if the biitch slaps you over the head with a frying pan and shoots you, you go to jail for domestic abuse. Stupid court system. You should just hire someone to kick the **** out of the guy that she cheated with, kick his ass fight club style 'till he is unrecognizable, then sue him for harrasment. Now what to do with the BIITCH, hmmmm. Well, since the kid needs a mom, its hard to say, I would really want to get her back some how. Maybe have "break up sex" and RAM her so hard that it destroys her Vag and she is unable to have another baby and then everytime she goes to take a wiz it will hurt, making her think of you. Or maybe take some high dose Clomid and pull a Blow Job Betty on her.
02-05-2008, 02:32 AM
Im truly sorry to hear this man, thats a very unfortunate and complicated situation you've ended up in.. Young girls like that are just so immature (emotionally/mentally) and Im sure that played a part in igniting this situation.. But it is very apparent that you are doing everything you can in, what I view to be, the most appropriate and sincere path of action available..
As a side note, when you said that this other guy was calling and harrassing you for a couple months, you can actually have a restraining order placed on him as long as you can show that he is continually harassing you. I had one placed on one girl's insane ex-boyfriend, he violated it, and he ended up having to go through the legal system with probation, etc. I know it's a little late now but I'm not sure if you knew that was possible..
In any case, I hope your able to gain joint custody and eventually resolve things with your ex -- I'm sure when your son is old enough to understand the situation (if you decide its appropriate to tell him down the road) he'll know how much his dad cared about being there for him.. its great to see such responsibility as its fast becoming a rarity!..
Good Luck NY
02-05-2008, 02:50 AM
02-05-2008, 03:07 AM
I know that I could've gotten the guy for harrassment, but he could've reported me to the cops for violating the OFP. He knew that her and I were constantly talking on the phone and online. Even that could end up putting me into the slammer. He wanted to be with my ex so bad, so he was willing to do whatever it took to keep me as far out of the picture as humanly possible. He knew that I had it out for him and I'm sure that he knows that I still do, but it's not as bad as before. He's not much older than her, so he's technically still a boy. He's not a man at all. He's a homewrecker. Look at what he's done to me! A man doesn't do shiit like that. He's immature. All he wanted was to get into my ex's pants. As naive as she was, not to mention how much of a nymph she was, she ended up giving him exactly what he wanted. I think it's funny how he 'magically' has a condom in his pocket on the second day of them meeting and hanging out. Duh.
I ended up trying to get my ex's mother for assault, but the police turned me away. So, I doubt they would've done anything about this guy. Once this OFP between my ex and I is dropped, I'm gonna go about getting an OFP against my ex's mother and even this guy. I've heard that he's out of the picture and my ex kicked him to the curb. He supposively was purposely trying to get attached to my son and began trying to control my ex, and my ex also told him that she didn't love him and wanted to get back together with me, so he couldn't handle that. I'll be pressing charges and filing OFPs, out the ass. I'm not even kidding. Everyone else was able to play their games, so now it's time to play games my way. I've also spoken with the editor of our local newspaper. It's a widely distributed paper. He couldn't believe how badly the legal system has treated me. So much corruption and bad police work is involved. He's actually gonna help me write an article to be printed in the newspaper, but he, along with several others, has suggested that I wait until I'm off probation before having the article printed. I can't mention any names, of course, but even so, I may end up embarrassing and pissing off the wrong person, be it the city judge or the police officers whom I've encountered. That could end up causing more trouble for myself. Once I'm off probation, I'm officially a free man all over again.
I've mentioned that to my ex before actually, about someday telling my son about what happened. She expects me to lie to our son. No way in hell am I gonna do that. One day, when he's much older of course, I will explain to him why his mother and I are no longer together. He's gonna wanna know. My ex accuses me of wanting to do such a thing, only to make her look bad and to turn our son against her. It's not that at all. She was pregnant, with him (my son), and cheated on me by having sex with someone else. With my son inside the womb. It's about being honest and not hiding anything from our son. It has nothing to do with purposely trying to make her look bad. She should've thought about possible long-term consequences before doing what she did. I'm gonna prove to my son that I'm always gonna be here for him, no matter what happens between his mother and I. I'll always love her and care about her to some degree. She's the mother of my first child. That's something that nobody could ever take away from either one of us. I don't hate her, though I've said I did, and I never will. I've just lost all trust in her. I highly disike her, but will respect her, only because she's my son's mother.
02-05-2008, 03:09 AM
All of this advice and support really does mean a lot to me. I want to thank you guys. A couple of you seem to be offering constructive criticism, but you're not going out on a limb and judging me. You're offering advice. "Tough love," I guess you could call it. I just really do appreciate this. I knew that I could trust all of you. I was kind of concerned about starting such a thread, but I'm now glad that I did. I have a lot of support. So, thank you!
02-05-2008, 04:08 AM
"The best revenge is success"................that was the title of a recentish thread. Its so true. Look it up.
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